38-year-old friend in hospice-- (Updated)

My partner's best friend is dying. His family is currently arranging for hospice care.

He is a 38-year survivor of Cystic Fibrosis, with two lung transplants under his belt. His most recent transplant was only year ago. For the last 3 years he has worked as a police officer, and complications from toxin exposure on a fire call at work is most likely what caused his original lung transplant to fail. Now he has gone into kidney failure.

He is a wonderful, kind, funny man and one of the "goodest" people I've ever met. He saved my partner's life.

He is also the boyfriend of one of my oldest friends. He saved her life as well, and he has been her raise her two young children. He loves children.

I owe this man alot, and was very much looking forward to having him in our lives for many years. He has this new family that needs him. While I'm the first to recongize that CF shortens lives, we were all hoping his transplant would give him ten more years to see "his kids" grow up. They have a 5-year-old and a 7-year-old.

I don't know what to do about this news. I don't know what to do for him, for my partner, or for his partner (my friend).

I just lost my grandmother in December after 4 months in palliative care after an unexpected cancer diagnosis.

12 years ago

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I am so saddened by this news, Elly. I don't have any words of wisdom for you about what you can do for your friends, except to be there for them if they need anything, which I'm sure you are already doing.

Diseases like this make me very sad.

Big hugs.

Jules

He sounds like wonderful person. My heart goes out to you and all his loved ones. All you can do is be there for them and offer practical assistance with the kids or whatever your friend needs help with.

goldenpig

I'm so sorry Elly. So sad for your friend and his family. And condolences for the loss of your grandmother.

Anonymous

Such sad news, my heart goes out to you; I am very sorry for the loss of your grandmother too. ((hugs))

I'm so sorry, Elly.

Janet

I'm so sorry, Elly. It's sad to lose someone in any case, but when someone is so young, it's especially hard. I'm sending lots of good thoughts and prayers your way.

As for what you can do for him and his loved ones, I know that's hard too. Can you visit in hospice? Is he awake and aware? If he is, I would imagine that he would want to see as many people he loves as possible. As hard as it is to watch someone fade away slowly, I think there is a small blessing in that it's not sudden and gives family and friends a chance to say goodbye (and this is now making me tear up as I recall my own experiences with my mother).

Just being there for your partner and friend is the best you can do. They will need time and space to grieve. There will be times they need your support and times they need to be alone to work through the loss. I am wishing you all as much peace and comfort as is possible. Big hugs.

Sveta

I am so sorry, Elle. This is the hardest thing in the world to see someone you care for dying and not being able to help! My thoughts are with him and his family!
Janet expressed it very well, I cannot really add anything new.

Isabel

I am so sorry. These are truly moments of helplessness.

velvetychocolate

Just wanted to say I'm sending along all kinds of prayers and good thoughts for your friend and you too.

Suz

I'm so, so sorry, Elly. This is very sad news, and no wonder you are feeling at loose ends. It is very hard to lose someone we care about, and especially hard when the person is young. As Janet says, just your presence is probably the most important thing you can give. Wishing you strength in this painful time.

bj1111

I'm so glad that he was in your life. People pass thru our lives. Only a few make such a profound impact.

I hope you are able to spend as much time with him as possible during this transition.

Mander

What awful news. I'm so sorry for you, and him, and his family and friends.

Diana

Oh, Elly. (((hugs))). This is such sad news, and I'm so sorry it had to happen to such a wonderful person.

nancylee

Oh, Elly. This hurts my heart. Sending you and your friend lots of love.

Echo

Oh, I am so sorry. What a painful experience for everyone involved, and to happen to someone so young is just devastating. My heart goes out to you and his family (especially the children). I hope everyone has the opportunity to spend time with him and at the very least say what needs to be said. Cold comfort in a situation like this, though. *hugs*

catgirl

Oh, Elly, I'm SO sorry. As you may know, I'm dealing with a very similar situation right now. My BF's husband has maybe a day to live at this point due to liver cancer. He's on home hospice. He's completely delirious and hasn't eaten for two weeks. She told me he was asking for me yesterday, and it broke my heart.

You can do a lot for them, if they ask. Let them direct you. Help with mundane things - shopping for food, providing meals, running errands. Take the kids to play at the park or museum, as they are too young to really get the situation and help in any way. I helped my friends set up a group email and google calendar for visitors, so people could see when private times were blocked out. I also acted as a gatekeeper (at their request) to coordinate visits and communicate information to family and friends outside the state. I took their teenage kids on walks to vent, and helped sort through photo albums for pictures to scan. I picked up medications and sat with the husband so he could have someone with him while my friend took a break to shower or write emails.

I don't know what else to tell you - it is a hard, heartbreaking road and remember she will need support after he is gone, too... just being there will help.

Elly

He passed early this morning, very unexpectedly. Just a few hours before we'd gotten a call that he was home from the hospital and wanted some time to settle in before they got flooded with visitors.

I'm taking care of my partner as much as he will let me.