The uncomfortable truth about why we purge... - YouLookFab Forum

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The uncomfortable truth about why we purge...

celia

Veteran

Hello YLF,
Lately I have been on a closet soul searching mood and this is one more post related to that .
Maybe it is because I am close to the 4-0 and feel the need to be honest with myself and figure out where to go from here.
As I referred on another post in my 20's purging my closet was therapy, I was basically purging my life, using innocent items of clothing to do so. From the same post , with the help of your brilliant answers I realized that although I mainly dressed for acceptance and for others there were always little bits of myself that showed themselves in the form of items that I would buy and re-buy and still feel attracted to.
I stayed/work from home since DD was born and jut recently went back to work outside the house.I was in need of a work wardrobe for spring/summer and need some items for fall/winter.
Although I haven't yet had the YLF stamp of approval for my work capsule I have been feeling really happy with it. It is easy to get dressed in the mornings, I feel comfortable during the day,and think that I have the appropriate balance between dressing for the office and dressing for myself.
I have no special emotional associations with the clothes in my closet at the moment.I have clothes for the life I have. My wardrobe is not small but it is not also very big. So, why do I feel the need to purge?
Am I using this as an excuse to just buy more things?
Do I wanna feel in control of my life?
Do I feel guilty of spending so much money on clothes instead of retirement/vacations/other more uplifting activities?
I guess it is a little bit of all of the above.
I do want to be more conscious about the money I spend (and save), I don't want to buy things just for the sake of buying and I don't want to purge things just for the sake of purging.
I know that you do not have the answers and if you made it this far I truly thank you for it.
Not that i want to pry, but does anyone feel that sometimes your relationship with your closet and purging is not as transparent as it seems?

General

25 replies

Latest reply was from Lisa

Alana in Canada

(website)

Veteran

I don't know about my closet in particular, but I like to purge my house--and I do it all the time, really. I don't buy all that much, anymore, so it is more of a cleansing thing than a thing done from guilt. I like to live intentionally and reevaluating the objects in my life from time to time is a part of that.

Mona

Veteran

I started purging my wardrobe slowly as I was unhappy with a lot of my outfits. I have always been interested in fashion and clothing from early age. But I never had any method to my madness. I used to buy JFE items from sales all the time and before I knew it my closet was way too big and waaay too uncontrollable. Two years ago, when I was frantically searching for some tips about how to be more comfortable with my wardrobe, I landed upon YLF and what a life changer that has been.
Right away, I knew I had to purge the unncessary items in my closet. So for last year or so, I have purged, purged and purged some more. However, my reason for purging is not the guilt. I am generally fairly good with my money and try to balance my expenditures in all areas of my life. I did not feel guilty about having a large dysfunctional wardrobe, I just felt awful that despite having so many clothing items, I was not happy with my outfits.

abc

Veteran

Well, my purging has happened due to changes like a move to a different climate and weight loss. However I know I have strong tendencies to shop (and if we are being totally honest here, eat) when times get stressful.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I think I'm finally crossing the threshold (slowly) from my bargain finds to an actual wardrobe of items I wanted and specifically chose. It took a long time to get here, and I still have some of those "this fills the hole and is the cheapest of what's available at the moment" items hanging around. I am finally getting to purging the 'make do' stuff. But because I have been making do for so long, it's still hard to let go of perfectly utilitarian things.
I don't think I have any guilt related to my purges, and I like to think I've been conscientiously shopping for a few years now. I suppose I'm more in the frame of mind of honing in on my style better and fine tuning my closet?
The only somewhat spendy items I bought that I've purged I either sold or gave to friends and know they have a good new home

ironkurtin

Veteran

I think all of us have coping mechanisms, from eating, to exercise, sex, shopping, drugs, grooming, etc etc etc. It's OK to recognize those for what they are, and it is OK to have them. I think I'm seeing some guilt or shame in your post. Is this really about your wardrobe, or is something else bothering you and it's being expressed through your closet?

Urbanfae

(website)

What an interesting question. For me, purging is necessary because I have almost no closet space (my house is so old that closets weren't as much of a consideration as they are now.). I also like to keep my life and possessions as simple as I can. That's why I go for basics that I can mix and match.

viva

Veteran

My relationship with closet purging has evolved. In the past, it was absolutely linked to overspending (fortunately at outlet prices haha). And when I purged, I had heaps of stuff. I sent boxes to my sister or to Goodwill.

Now, it's really more a matter of wanting to be sure my closet contains only things I love. When I purge it might be a couple of items that I put in a bag for the consignment store, or a few pairs of pants that no longer fit or are out of style. And I still buy things that end up not working. So purging is my way of weeding those mistakes out, so that my closet continues to hold only the winners.

But the fact is, I think for me it is a coping mechanism, as IK explained. For me, it is calming to go through my closet and pick out the one or two things that aren't working ... or to look things over and find that it's all good. It's also calming for me to clean the bathroom, do yoga, and organize my dry goods. I don't drink, so I need to work out my stuff somehow.

celia

Veteran

IK, those are very interesting questions. I guess for the most part I feel as i should feel guilty. I do know that outfit creating is a coping mechanism as is purging(which are not the worst ones to have, imo).
And as much as I may have sounded like a big spender I am not.
However I feel that I should feel guilty to purge just because I want space or things don't appeal so much to me anymore,when I know that I will be buying more clothes eventually. From a monetary point of view this is plain waist.
Right now I feel a great need to choose how I want to live (generally speaking) and understanding why I do things the way I do can help me decide what to do different.
For example, I bought a t-shirt last summer(less than $20) because 'it might work with this jacket', and I wore it exactly twice, both last year. Right now I have no intention of wearing it again, because it doesn't appeal to me and want to give it away. I don't feel exactly guilty but those were ,in my point of view, $20 waisted.
Maybe next time I should just buy a something I truly love, or just have a manicure instead.

viva

Veteran

That is exactly the kind of mistake that I am talking about, Celia. Isn't it inevitable that we will make an error like that occasionally? We're human. And if you can pass that top on to someone who can really use it, or thrift/consign and regain a couple of dollars -- well, all the better.

I agree with you that really trying to buy things we truly love is the aim -- it's mine, anyway, but life often intervenes and (1) inspires an impulse buy or (2) makes something feel like love when it really isn't. Limiting those moments will be a lifelong challenge for me, but I do feel I'm making progress.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

My first big closet "edit" was when I lost weight. I didn't own a lot of clothing (because I almost never bought anything -- and what I did buy, I bought on sale in a haphazard way, as Mona describes). But what I bought didn't fit, so I had to get rid of it.

Then I joined YLF and started building my wardrobe. When I started, I think I imagined this would be a simple process of buying lots of great things (as I could afford them) and wearing the heck out of them.

But lo and behold, it wasn't so easy. I ended up feeling more like you describe. I had a pile of clothes, some of them even really nice clothes, but I hated my outfits and didn't feel like I had personal style. So inevitably I had to edit out a lot of that stuff. It wasn't working for me.

I did feel some guilt about the waste. When I started to feel that, I told myself that it was okay to have tried, learned, and let go (especially if the item went to my step-daughter, a YLF friend, or our women's shelter here). I still felt pangs of guilt about that lost money (retirement fund! daughter's college! vacations!!) -- but face it, the real problem is how I felt guilty about spending money on myself in the first place. I didn't think I was worth it. And I came here, partly, to help myself banish that attitude.

Fast forward a couple more years of serious application and learning here, and I finally feel as if most of my purchases make sense. I wear almost everything I buy with happiness and feel that I get my money's worth from most of my purchases (however often or infrequently I wear them).

Yet I STILL make mistakes like the one you mentioned. Mine are sometimes even expensive. I bought two Vince boatneck tees (on sale, but still pricey for me) because I had admired them so on Jeneva and Vicki. I think I wore each of them only once or twice last winter!! I will probably wear them more this year, but even so...was I crazy or what?

Having said all that -- nowadays, when I edit, I do so mostly without guilt or pangs. If I have worn something a lot or at minimum enjoyed it a lot, but it is time for that item to go, then I feel good about sending it away to a new home.

Because sometimes the new owner will be super, super happy. Think for a moment of that taupe silk tee you sent to me. You might have felt a bit of guilt about buying that and not wearing it so much. Well...two years later it is still a favourite of mine! I don't wear it every week by any means, but it is a hugely useful item in my closet, and there's not a day I don't look at it and feel grateful to you. Because Cassis is gone and I could not go buy one now to fill that wardrobe hole. So, even if you made a little wardrobe mistake for yourself, you did me a big favour!

ironkurtin

Veteran

Really, who is hurt by these mistakes? It sounds like you're being awfully hard on yourself. All we can do is note our errors and move on.

merwoman

Veteran

I've mused over your question and other related posts.

I don't feel guilty in the least - I liken the whole wardrobe acquisition (and really it is so much more than that) as a skill one needs to develop (or not). As with any skill development you are going to take some tumbles and falls as you learn and hone your technique. Down hill skiing comes to mind - if you don't take a fall now and then - you're playing it too safe. I've got the bruises :-), but I believe I've learned a lot from each one. I am so happy with my wardrobe and love getting dressed!

Sal

Veteran

Interesting post.

Unless it is a mistake I don't feel guilty financially about purging. I keep within my budget for clothes shopping. However if I have bought something which is largely unworn I do feel disappointed in myself.

From an environmental perspective I can feel guilt. If I knew someone else would wear and cherish my purged clothes I would be pleased. If they are worn out after lots of use I also feel satisfied. However sometimes the reason I don't want something is also the reason someone else won't want it, or an item was fast fashion and fell apart too quickly. This is the type of mistake I am trying not to make.

unfrumped

Veteran

Mainly I just need to keep tabs on what I've got so I don't overbuy for this or that season and then don't have enough days, special occasions (or, "enough summer" or whatever season !) to wear things. Thinking about how many times I actually can wear something, or whether a new item is so good that I'm willing to have it replace something else, or is just more of the same, are good excercises for me. The point is to not overstuff the closet willy-nilly so that you have to toss out stuff to get control and then keep on in a viscious cycle.I want to do more nibble-editing and not get sucked into the drama of massive "purge". I think those are fine sometimes and for some people, but for me it could overlap with the idea that somehow that will solve everything, sort of unrealistic or magical thinking and can be a stress reaction and not where I really want to be.

So, we have some cycle posts where folks are trying to see how to break out, and that's a good thing for people trying to help support each other to have better habits and better style and more fun. I think it's different if one just turns out not to like something here or there, or it turns out not to fit or perform as intended, or you budget for seasonal trends and turnover. But, I also think that there's an amount of that that feels right to one person and not to another, so it's okay to see where you fall on that and do what's right for you.

karymk

Veteran

I do sometimes look at my clothing waste and mentally flog myself, but for the most part I consider it EDITING my wardrobe for the purpose of my own pleasure. Some times I see a neglected item as a mistake and edit it out of the rotation, making a hard effort to analyze why it didn't work so I won't blow it again. For example: Why did I never wear the peach lizard skin belt? I still am not sure. It is a gross shade of peach and I probably was trying to do some weird color combo ala JCrew.

Why do I never want to wear that purple cashmere pullover when it fits so nicely? Because it's a sharp shade of purple that makes me cringe when I see it folded up there. I must edit it out and learn not to buy that shade of purple again.

rae

(website)

Veteran

I just want to chime in from left field and say that purging isn't always about mistakes or inadequacies in the wardrobe. Sometimes the wardrobe is still perfectly functional, yet you feel the pull for a little novelty or shake-up. A "refresher" as Angie calls it. Some of us need a refresher sooner than others! And sometimes different times in our lives call for more or less refreshers.

That may not be exactly an answer to your question, but the point of my story is not to feel guilty about purging or buying if you are in your budget for time/money. IMO a wardrobe will never be Done.

Thistle

Veteran

With all the body changes I have experienced these past 4 years between pregnancies, nursing, and general aging, I just don't bother to feel guilty. I live within my budget. I make mistakes, I live through body changes, etc.

Life is just too short to feel guilty about making mistakes with my wardrobe.

MsLuna

Veteran

I loved fashion since as far as I can remember but never heard of a closet purge until 8 years ago - when I picked up Kendall Farr's book on personal style (I totally forgot which one it was). I've been conscious about redefining my style since then. In those last 8 years, I went through so much personal changes and my purging/restyling habits reflected this. I was also wildly experimental (I had pink hair), so I purged almost yearly. I was never quite content with my style.

I noticed that my purges often reflected how I felt about me: how secure I am about myself. The last few months has been a breakthrough for me because I took note of the elements that suited me and the most important lifestyle factors (COMFORT!!!). I've never been more certain about my style until recently.

Yes, purging was my excuse to buy new things. With a more solid style (and pricier clothing items due to style + comfort + quality), I started shopping with lists. I'm able to hold off on shopping for a while now until I make a solid decision that I do want that item.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

I agree with Suz & rae. I, for one, am always refining my wardrobe
If I make a mistake, especially if it is an expensive one, I try to learn from it. .

Joy

Veteran

Interesting thoughts. I don't feel guilty about purging because much was not expensive and bought to experiment with attend or color. Fashion is about the only thing that I spend on, a hobby that I enjoy. If I were buying things I couldn't afford I would feel guilty even buying .

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Fashion and style is a delicate balance of frequent refreshing and wearing items for years. Many items aren't meant to last like they used to. And passing things on to another home is not a waste at all. It gives me great pleasure to pass on my items to Dress For Success, friends, a clothing swap and the Salvation Army.

shedev

Veteran

I didn't feel guilt about all the sweaters I purged due to fit, or the clothes that seemed really dated. I did some huge purges of these items. Now I'm down to a trickling of items. For the most part, they aren't bad items. I'm spending a little more time thinking about why these things aren't working for me.

Anonymous

I read this post earlier today, and have been thinking about it ever since. And ever since I joined YLF I get less work done during the day - ha!

But you are dead right. I think it's very much an act that conceals or reveals something else about us, and that the clothes are representative of something we don't like about ourselves - or I should quite saying "us and we" and say "me" . I get a little too into purging, I actually like getting rid of things - and all kinds of things. I did a closet clean out two weeks ago, and actually found myself looking for reasons to add things to the giveaway pile. It was a little disconcerting , and i knew it was time to stop for the night.

For me, as much as I like to say it's all about the desire to maintain control and to have a tidy closet, clothing purchases are something I have a lot of guilt and shame over, and maybe getting rid of so much absolves me of some of the guilt. I never sell any of my things - just give them away, even though I know I could make $ if I took the time to do it. It's pretty transparent, isn't it?

One thing I have noticed though in my short time on YLF is how many other like-minded women there are here. People who have the same worries, concerns, confusion, excitement etc that I have, and that alone has given me huge comfort. Tmi? sorry

shiny

Veteran

"Not that i want to pry, but does anyone feel that sometimes your relationship with your closet and purging is not as transparent as it seems?"

What a great question.

At the moment -- for last several months (this entire year) -- I have simply had zero time/ mental energy /physical energy to purge. I get started and lose steam within minutes. I keep making excuses for this, which are legitimate. New job keeping me crazy busy/ burning brain cells. Have been purging in-law's house to put it up for sale, which doesn't leave me much leftover energy to want to tackle my own. Kids home for college so have little space to spread it all out and do a meticulous, thoughtful culling. Tired/exhausted. Maybe I will lose weight, since it's up right now. Things are still coming IN to my closet but there's still room for these new acquisitions --- because I admittedly still have a storage box of summer stuff sitting in corner of bedroom that never even got unpacked, and I've got a suitcase in the corner in which work-travel stuff gets unpacked, laundered and repacked....

If I HAD the energy and motivation and time and the space, I bet I could complete a major cull in about an hour. I am 75% sure on what needs to go, and what I want to tuck away for later.

Or maybe I'm totally fooling myself, which your question makes me pause and wonder. DH and I have been talking a lot lately about our next move. No plans yet, but it's on the horizon. That is holding up my purge, I don't know yet where we'll move, and what I might need, and what I might regret purging right now -- though any pre-move purge would make things a lot lighter to carry! Then again, what if we moved to a place with a huge walk in dream closet?

Lisa

Veteran

This is a great post. I've always been a slow closet purger partly due to guilt for wasted money and partly due to not knowing my style well enough to decide what to keep. Once I realized mistakes will happen and it's ok to make them and I've figured out what style I want to own for myself, purging has gotten easier.