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Style, etiquette and other differences in relationships

minimalist

Veteran

What seemingly small differences of opinion or practice were (or are) dealbreakers for you in dating? And what style or etiquette points do you live with or nag about in your relationship rather than walking away?

Closely related to katemmcoy's situation, before I met bf I went out a few times with a fellow whose footwear was either hiking boots or flip flops. Stains on his uniform of sweatshirts and cargo pants were no reason to retire the garment in question. The one time I invited him in for a cup of tea after a walk on the beach, he left a large amount of sand on the sofa and floor, and didn't offer to clean it up. I ignored his attempts at further contact.

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37 replies

Latest reply was from rachylou

Sal

Veteran

I can't think of any that led me to end a relationship, but there was one guy I was interested in except for that he smoked. This was quite some time ago!
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Deborah

Veteran

Amy I think the sand would have put me off too His loss:)

My DH and I could not have been more different when dating. He wore jeans, black tshirts and sneakers. Sometimes he wore his moccasin slippers out of the house!! I guess the saving grace was that I liked him (became 'love') and we shared a very strong faith and outlook on life. I think that connection kind of made his lack of style unimportant. Over the years he has upped his game 'phew'.

The types of things I would not tolerate with previous dates were more character qualities, things like selfishness, lack of respect etc. Anyone like that got short shift very quickly

catgirl

Veteran

Honestly, style was never an issue for either of us. DH dresses up and conservative for work, and on weekends he is in tees or sweatshirts (either tie dye or sports related) and jeans or zip off pants. I don't care one whit. And he accepts my not so conventional dressing with love and grace. My only issue is the excess amount of Heather grey tees related to Boston sports teams but that is balanced by the issue of my boots!

rabbit

Veteran

I've only ended relationships for lack of physical chemistry/compatibility, or feeling like the other person was more interested in me as an idea of something then a person, or simply growing up and apart. I have to say I've never dated someone with very different political beliefs or ideas about social issues however. I count myself very lucky that I never was with someone who wasn't a good person.

Non-deal breakers for me that were negotiated at various times included little things like whether it was okay to snag fries or share food, leaving dishes in the sink, who does what chores when. But also deeper cultural things such as unspoken expectations around holidays and visits with parents that the other person might not know, how to best communicate through stress, anger, fear and hurt, what kinds of assistance can be expected with certain kinds of work or life struggles, and what kinds of things we would need to take responsibility for and solve on our own. Also when the other person needed alone time, and how best to read each other non-verbally.

Things that aren't questioned -- what the other person wears, what they do with their free time and with who, what kind of work they pursue, what their hobbies or interests are, how they spend their money (the part not pooled for household reasons), what they eat, how they vote --- basically anything relating to their autonomy as an adult individual given mutual honesty and trust.

I think the only style or etiquette things I could right now imagine maybe not dating someone for would be smoking (or you know, drug addiction), or things related to communication -- not letting me know where they were or when they would be home if we lived together so I worried, that kind of thing.

ETA: wait, I just remembered I did date a smoker. Lol, I guess I would say the political leanings/underlying belief system is very important? Other stuff, not so much.

minimalist

Veteran

Deborah I agree completely about priority of character qualities. It wasn't the sand or stains per se that bothered me so much as the traits/values I read into them. Inflexibility, lack of empathy, selfishness (creating mess and consciously leaving it for someone else to clean up), and so on.

When I met bf, shared values were quickly apparent. When we sat down at a cafe I noticed he was wearing black athletic socks with his black dress shoes, and found that quirkily charming. He still prefers pleated trousers to flat fronted ones, but I understand why (space for his wallet, keys and badge) and value his comfort and convenience far above my own ideas about menswear.

Astrid

Veteran

I've not been in a relationship, but I wouldn't go on a date with a smoker. Only dealbreaker I can recognise from the onset. I can barely tolerate some of my friends smoking next to me. I have (had) respiratory issues, so this is not debatable.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I have dated smokers (for years, not just in passing) and have never smoked. Didn't like it, but wasn't a deal breaker.
BF and I have different political views but we work with it. It's the little things like where to put the soap in the shower. I joked just a couple days ago that we can just keep moving it. I put it on the shelf alcove, he puts it in the corner on the floor.
It bugs me how he runs the water full blast while doing dishes or brushing teeth. I think conservation is built in to us Californians from birth or something. I will physically turn down or off the water if I catch him. Or tell him I'll wash the dishes if he'll just leave them. He probably hates that I let dishes build a bit to make running the water until it's hot 'worth it' lol. Horses for courses as Angie would say.

Anonymous

For me, I would never, ever, date a smoker.. end of. I probably also wouldn't have even gone on a first date with someone if they were pretty scruffy as I don't do scruffy either. Luckily DH is not scruffy, doesn't smoke and we have very similar values

crutcher

Veteran

Just now I am an unclaimed blessing...but if I were considering what would be a deal breaker, it would be someone who would make remarks about how much I love my Toby, spoil him, etc...Not loving animals would be out the door Charley and don't bother to look back...

Traci

Veteran

I racked my brain for anything style wise that would be a deal breaker. Ironically, mine would be someone who can't accept my style choices, or criticizes my looks constantly or says things like "What are you wearing?"

The closest to critical my dh ever comes would be to ask if I thought my outfit was weather appropriate. Now, this does mean he's not a source of fashion advice, but I'll take the trade off. After all, that's what I have y'all for!

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

I had one at least a decade ago. We met and hit it off but he was in constant touch to the point of it feeling like he was needy. It was to the point that he would e-mail to remind me that I was going to call him.

From an etiquette perspective, I find people who are rude to those in the service industry to be very off-putting. You can deal with a situation without resorting to being nasty or condescending. I don't like snobbery.

I don't think I would let style or fashion impact my judgement. Tony is color deficient so some of his tie/shirt combos or even shirt/pant choices are a bit strange but that is him and he is easy to love even if he thinks lavender is blue and olive is grey. LOL

trix

Interesting question! Yes, from what you said, it was apparent that the real underlying issue with your ex was the lack of consideration etc., not his style choices per se.

I used to think that different political views would be a dealbreaker, until I met my current BF. I'm realizing instead that apparently for me, matters of personality (e.g., being caring, calm, considerate, etc. -- other things that constitute being a "good"/"nice" person for me) are much more crucial. Style/etiquette would not be as important unless I thought they indicated something that signaled "not a nice person" to me. Of course, there's a difference between "oblivious" and "not nice"; I do know some people who for various reasons wouldn't be attuned to details like sand on their shoes, but if the mess it made were pointed out to them, they would be apologetic and would do something about it (unless it were pointed out in a way that made them feel defensive).

rabbit, I love your response. I'm putting them on my list of "things I need to pay attention to in relationships." So much wisdom here!

MsMary

Veteran

As I posted on the "feet" thread, I subscribe to Dan Savage's theory that there are two kinds of undesirable characteristics -- the small ones that drive you crazy but that you put up with because they are the "price of admission" to the relationship, and the big ones that are the dealbreakers. And I might add there is no such thing as number three: the things that drive you crazy but that you can get the person to change if you just nag about it enough! LOL

For me, my dealbreakers are unkindness/lack of empathy, and a general passivity/lack of emotional and physical energy. Smoking is probably a dealbreaker, too, although so few people smoke around here that it hasn't been an issue. And I have a strong preference for someone with similar political views, although it's not an automatic dealbreaker.

And honestly, by one's mid-50s one should know how to dress oneself. I wouldn't expect that to be an issue but if someone were very badly dressed that would give me pause.

It's easier to give my "must have" list:

1. Kind and empathetic
2. Financially appropriate (by your mid-50s or older you should be financially secure and not expecting me to support you)
3. High energy, physically and mentally (I'm not going to be the one who has to make everything happen)

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I'm laughing in sympathy with Mo and Una here -- Una, I've hidden my husband's Red Sox cap (from when he played in their fantasy camp). He's too much of a confirmed Orioles fan at this point to wear it around here anyway. And OMG, the running water and the reluctance to recycle! (He's from Texas and I'm from that liberal part of the east coast where we do things like recycle...) It's gotten better, but these are little things.

In the past, I did date guys who had opposing political beliefs from my own...to a point. There are some positions on which I simply will not concede, namely those having to do with a woman's rights, and I could not get involved with any man who held a different view, for obvious reasons.

I dated smokers, men with different music taste (sometimes harder than you think, for someone in the music industry), with very different hobbies and interests than my own, etc. Usually, it turned out that the further apart our tastes and preferences were, the more incompatible in general we were. I can't live with someone who is messy. I would have had a hard time going out with someone who couldn't put himself together in an occasion-appropriate way for a date or an event. But deal-breaking things were more behavior-related: rudeness, intolerance, lack of a sense of humor.

When my husband and I were first dating, he had an awful habit of being late. For everything. I sat waiting in a bookstore for an hour for him one time, and when he got there, we had a serious sit-down about the matter. He made a big effort after that. He still tends to get distracted and lose track of time, but we have come a long way since then, and he's much better about it. If he had ignored my concerns and shrugged and said, "deal with it," it would have been over.

Isabel

Veteran

The sand thing would have upset me: not because of the sand but rather because of no interest to clean it up. To me, that says something about character. Style to me doesn't matter.

lyn*

(website)

Veteran

I love MaryK's list!!!

For me, the major etiquette thing is being somewhat respectful even when other people aren't there - if you're badmouthing everyone, you're probably badmothing me to someone

For me, the style thing is simple. Floss. Please floss your teeth. I do not understand why people do not floss. FLOSS.

Elly

Veteran

I had a very bad partner (for me anyway) prior to the SO. I don't claim that he was a bad person, but he was a very thoughtless young man who had lived a life where he got used to manipulating people, didn't have very good money handling or household skills, and was very needy.

My dealbreakers are:

The adult child-- the man who wants me to do his housework for him, bail him out of situations, manage his money or provide for him so he can play
Poor Sanitation-- the man who doesn't wash his hands after going to the bathroom or touching raw food or trash, the man who lets trash pile up, the man that leaves dishes in the sink to the point that I can't fill a glass of water, the man who leaves food in the refrigerator to morph, or who never washes his clothes, sheets, or cleans the bathroom, or lets pests live in his home-- can't cover his cough, etc. (for me this is a health issue that is very serious because of my pre-existing condition and the ultimate sign of disrespect) this is totally different from the guy who likes a little clutter and doesn't like to dust
the mean guy
the manipulator
the liar/unmotivated guy-- the one who says he is going to do stuff and never does -- his favorite words are "I'm trying" but nothing ever changes -- usually coupled with manipulative tendencies or some sort of addiction issues
communication issues that can't be resolved

That said, I think most of the above can be worked on if mutually agreed upon by the partner. At this point in my life I don't mind teaching a guy to be a better cook if he is interested, work on budgeting before we combine incomes, reminding him about the leftovers, being patient with someone who is trying to quit using tobacco (if that is what they want and the tobacco use isn't impacting me), or is working to be more open about telling me what is going on and considering my feelings, or changing how I communicate. That said, I would have a real hard time dealing with anyone that is in their late 20s who is completely unable to care for themselves like an adult, is un-housetrained, or is disrepectful and hurtful. Doesn't make them a less worthwhile person, but does mean that they aren't a good match for me!

shedev

Veteran

Not liking one's style isn't a dealbreaker, I think Hedev has the same right to choose what he wears as I do. He will change to match my level of dressiness when we are going somewhere. He doesn't love all my fashion choices either. I get teased every time I wear the pajama sweats. Hygiene would be a deal breaker.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Oh, I thought of another deal breaker. If he doesn't like animals -- cats and dogs -- it's not meant to be. Fortunately hubs loved dogs and still does. And he has learned to love (certain) cats!

Rambling Ann

(website)

Veteran

I'm still surprised DH hasn't dumped me for my lack of style.

Mo, may I gently suggest two bars of soap?

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

FASCINATING.

I can think of many deal breakers actually. Lists of them. I am clearly a lot less tolerant than you lovely ladies. Top of the list though, is not loving dogs. I CANNOT be with anyone who does not love dogs - and animals in general for that matter - as much as I do. No one loves doggies more than Greg does. (High five, Janet). xo

catgirl

Veteran

Well, it's been so long for me that I've forgotten the list of deal-breakers.

Those would be:

- smoking
- not appreciating my family
- being mean to children
- not loving and wanting pets (although I let my poor DH draw the line at a snake, we do have a lizard as well as a cat and dog)
- espousing racism, sexism, and a bunch of other -isms
- unwillingness to talk it out
- lack of loyalty
- lack of compassion

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Elly

Veteran

Oh Angie-- you made me smile. I've never found a man I can't sucker into loving my dog (esp. since he is more hypoallergenic than most).

MsMary

Veteran

Coming back to say I thought of a HUGE dealbreaker for me: If you ever give me the silent treatment, even once, we are done. Done, done, done. Stick a fork in me, done-zo. I lived with that for 15 years and never, never again...

Echo

Veteran

Hm, fashion never really played a part in my decisions. DH is no fashion plate, but boy, does he clean up well!

As for actual deal-breakers, I had to think about this, as it has been a long time since I've considered them (having been married a long while). They would include:

* Abuse
* Addiction (interestingly, cigarettes don't bother me so much as long as a person doesn't smoke indoors or in my space)
* Cheating (goes without saying, I guess)
* Shouting
* Political activism in opposition to my own (differing views can happen between reasonable people, but actively working toward things I don't believe in would be a deal-breaker)
* Intolerances significantly different from my own (c'mon, we ALL have them, even if we don't like to admit them)
* Religion overall, most especially devout anything; religious judgement on me or others; religious "education"/indoctrination for children
* Intelligence and/or educational mis-match (it isn't that I think I am a genius or anything, but I prefer someone on my intellectual level)
* Lack of personal hygiene (significantly different from not dressing well)
* Pets in the home (I am terribly allergic)
* Significantly different goals and desires in life
* Differing views on having children and how to raise them

Whew, that's quite a list, and I am sure there are things I have forgotten. Overall, I think it is crucial to discuss the big issues with someone before marriage is ever considered. If one cannot discuss sensitive issues with a person, how on earth could you live with them? DH and I discussed politics, religion, desire for children, how to raise said children if we were lucky enough to have them, goals for the future, money, vacation expectations, etc. before we were married in the hopes of reducing surprises in the future.

Isabel

Veteran

Reading the other ladies' lists, I have to agree with the family thing. If someone wasn't good to my family or didn't accept my sister ( who is mentally disabled and a lot of work ), it would be a deal breaker. Cheating and lack of respect for me would also be a deal breaker.

Irene

Veteran

I had a long list of deal-breakers and still found myself in a sort-of-relationship with someone who met many of them. For instance, he was a smoker. He hadn't been to Uni. He wasn't a reader. And more. And you know what, it didn't work in the end, but it wasn't because of any of those things. I just discovered other major deal-breakers I had never considered before. And those matter. My petty deal-breakers from the past? I guess I can say I could get past those (though I must say I would rather not).

rachylou

Veteran

I only date the button-down type or the engineers equivalent (tucked long sleeve polo, fuzzy fleece windbreaker). Not starched and ironed, yet neat. Everything else just wounds my soul.

I definitely do NOT do the stoner look: floppy hair, stained tee shirt.

I seriously don't understand anyone who looks at a guy whose pants are on the ground and says *yep, there goes the father of my children...*

Niki Lea

Veteran

When DH and I met I was a smoker (had only just started again after a few years), but he told me that if I wanted to be his girlfriend I had to quit. So I did.

Like Mo, we also have differing political views. They're not extremely different, but enough that some conversations can get a bit heated. We were raised in very different communities, mine urban/progressive and his rural/conservative. So we tend to see some issues through those lenses. Some of his more intense views have softened and changed though, which I appreciate.

On that note, there are certain beliefs and values that I would absolutely not tolerate in any way. They would be instant deal breakers for me.

Most of the other stuff we've worked through. He once wore a pair of pants with a hole in the crotch to work. I was HORRIFIED and nearly lost my mind! He never did it again.

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