It's time to come clean: I have a problem.

I've known I have an addictive personality for a long time - heck, I've been sober for 22 years! I hope I'd be aware that's a fundamental part of who I am and what I need to be aware of.

But sometimes, it sneaks up on you in weird ways that you don't think to prepare for. Over the years, I've found myself dependent on obvious things (cigarettes) and the things that surprised me (sugar. Really? But I don't even like sweets! But when I start watching it and trimming it out, I realise exactly how dependent on it I've become in insidious ways).

And shopping. It's my high. I've been able to sublimate this as a concern for myself over time because I do so much of my shopping via thrift or discount, so it's not like I'm breaking the bank. I don't shop with friends, it's not a default activity, and we never really talk about it, so I haven't really thought my behaviours were all that abnormal.

I can stop any time I want, anyhow, right?

I started tracking my purchases last month, because I never have. I don't shop on credit, and I never overdraw, so it's safe; why bother? But... Then I see those posts about how other people add to their wardrobes, and I see how outside the norm I am; someone posts about how they added ten items, and it's shocking and worthy of comment. I started to question myself. So: a new spreadsheet.

Budget-wise: pretty ok, I think. From what I extrapolate from others' annual budget, I think I'm roughly on par. But item-wise is where it gets insane: 23 items (11 skirts, 5 pullover sweaters, a cardigan, and 6 new tees! WHAT?!) , and a stack of fleece-lined tights (they were on sale for 75% off).

Twenty-three new pieces of clothing.

That's insanity.

But that's not what brought it home to me.

No. My moment of clarity, if you will, was when I made some necessary/ planned purchases, and found myself lurking sites I like, just LOOKING for something with which to "treat" myself. Not even taking into consideration the fact that I have several plane tickets I need to by for various things, or that I need to renew my passport, or that my honey and I are planning a Super Fancy Vacation for my birthday - or the fact that I barely have time to wear the things I already have in my closet! I have shoes and boots that I adore that I can't wear often enough. I have skirts that I want to wear more often, but don't because I like rotating through the rest of the things I love (one of my rationalisations for having as large a wardrobe is because I wear so much of it, so it's gotta be ok, right?). I don't need anything, that's abundantly clear; I have so much I can't even get to it all!

So... Why am I fighting that compulsion to acquire more? My logical brain knows it's complete rubbish, and yet I, almost without any conscious effort, find myself browsing for more stuff. I have a very solid wardrobe, that is a lot of fun, has a wide variety of interesting pieces that work with one another instead of against one another, and affords me physical comfort in the crazy weather pendulum we've been experiencing in NC. There is absolutely zero reason I'd need another pair of boots or jeans or... anything really. So how do you battle that, when logic isn't working and you find yourself rampaging across store sites?

I don't know.