I was spending a little more time with it this morning, and the SPEND urge comes on when I'm either bored or overwhelmed - I have a lot of downtime at work, and while a lot is blocked from the office, shopping sites aren't, and my life is (like all of us) very hectic. Spending is escapism.

I think that is why the diet mentality doesn't work for me. When I say I "can't" have XXX that is all I can think about.

If I say "I choose not to spend my time or money that way" it becomes a positive statement instead of negative.

I once heard someone famous (I forgot who LOL) say the following:

If you say to a child "don't drop the glass" they are focusing on dropping. If you say "hold the glass with both hands" they focus on holding.

Your Money or Your Life principles teach you to look at life differently. You need to look at your life as in "you only have X amount of life energy." How do you want to spend that time? I need to re-read that book too! It is sitting on my nightstand as a decoration.

Living life in a "primal/paleo" way has helped me too:
http://www.marksdailyapple.com.....z2seN94WyU

I couldn't have anything with sugar around my house or I would eat it. I looked like I was healthy on the outside, but I was killing my body on the inside. Today my sugar addiction is gone because of the way I have chosen to nourish my body....my cravings didn't go away with willpower.

Hope that tangent made sense.

Sometimes it is about willpower. Sometimes it is about spiritual surgery which is very difficult. Sometimes it is about nourishing your body with the right food and exercise. If only it was easy to figure out what it is!

We cross posted. My life is not busy. I am a stay at home mom with two kids in high school. I have chosen a very simple life, yet I was still struggling with this last month.

I agree though that it was definitely escapism!

There are lots of great insights here. If you are addictive (or have enthusiasms) then you need something new that is free or inexpensive. You just have to figure out what that might be. I'm taking up the guitar. Whenever I'm at loose ends, I can pick it up and learn and practice.

Balance is a beautiful thing, but it is never static, but always dynamic, requiring myriads of tiny adjustments to appear so effortless.

That's true when I'm standing on a bosu ball, or trying to sing a high, soaring passage in Handel, planning my meals, or juggling my spiritual and life priorities. I find making many mini-corrections throughout my day restores my "balance" better than one humongous effort to "get things right one and for all."

One of the best things about 12 step programs is their focus on the present. I've not struggled with addiction, but I certainly need that reminder. It's easier to say, "I'm going to enjoy the clothing I have for today," than to say, "I'm not buying anything for a month."

Thank you all for continuing this discussion -- Claudia, that's fascinating stuff, and makes a lot of sense. And Beth Ann, as ever I am tremendously moved by your wisdom. Ditto to the rest of you.

Annie, I am thinking the "alternative escape route" could still work, if it were a healthy one. But just identifying boredom as part of the problem is huge and very helpful. I understand absolutely about the overwhelmed part, too. I think we tend to seek rewards when we are feeling that way.

Annie, I've been dipping in and out of this post since it began and nodding my head the whole time. I'm over here waving at you -- 17 years sober, about as long smoke-free, constantly battling the sugar thing ... I hear you loud and clear.

The triggers are familiar and so common ... hungry, angry, lonely, tired ... add in bored or overwhelmed, and it's all there. With the Internet, access is immediate. And it's all so easy to rationalize!

After a few months on YLF I decided to closely track purchases in 2014. I have a pretty healthy clothing budget, but I wanted to really watch where the money was going. So I am keeping a running tab -- a list of the items I buy, with prices, in a journal that sits in front of me on my desk. And as January wound down I was pretty overwhelmed at where I stood, budget-wise. I knew I could not sustain the year at that pace, and I also knew that much of the purchasing was emotional: in reaction to seasonal depression, cabin fever, and seasonally slow work pace.

So I basically did my equivalent of "go to a meeting," and I turned to my little resolution group. I have a small group of friends, including my husband, and we are tackling the New Year's Resolution thing one month at a time -- you set a resolution for the month, tell the group what it is, and then at the end of the month let the group know how you did. It's all about accountability and support, without judgement. I went to the group and made February a "clothing-purchase free" month. It was humbling, but I needed it. I know that I need the space to free my mind up a bit, to get back in balance financially for the year and also to be able to reframe my approach to buying. I just need a month to take a breath, and this group helped me do it.

I hope that reaching out to the YLF group has helped you in the same way.

I feel the pain. If being a schlep were OK with me and for me, I'm pretty much set for the next 10 years. And having moved to a tiny city apartment a few years ago, I have cut way way down... Yet still, every week I have a desire for a little something, and I find myself asking myself, "What am I doing?!"

I've spent a lot of time recently getting rid of stuff (a huge multi-yr project in and of itself) that's kept me a little busy. I am also telling myself I can't buy anything until I know what I'm doing and trying to achieve. I have made a date for Peter Pilotto at Target, and it's a blackout until then (although I've already fumbled there by buying a colourful "seconds" beanie).

I read something about going for experiences, not things. I'm trying to keep that in mind too... although, of course, that does mean I ate hipster donuts three times last week. I'm making an effort to cook dinner and prepare a breakfast and lunch for the next day, which has kept me in weekday evenings (except for the beanie buy)...

...the one thing about shopping is that I'm on my feet moving around and the looking entertains my brain. Hard to get all that with a book (and I'm a huge reader) or hobby like knitting or walking the dog in the dark or spin-cycling at a gym.

I guess the deal is, gotta get ahead of the impulse. And maybe slow down a bit. Don't know. There was this episode of House once...

Thank you AnnieMouse for this thoughtful discussion. I have come back and forth to it a few times trying to formulate my thoughts but becuase it is hitting so close to home I feel I am avoiding it .... I struggle to find balance in life and thrifting often seems "harmless", but i think in reviewing the big picture it is something i need to keep careful wraps on for myself as well. I am sure i will come back and read the wisdom offered here on many more occasions. Thanks again!

I'm learning so much from this discussion!

Annie, I would say there's a wide, wide world between McMansion living and true minimalism. I'm not a minimalist: I love *stuff*, as in physical objects, and I wouldn't change that. The perfectly shaped bowl makes my soup taste better, my books and knick knacks on my book case make me deeply happy. I love wandering antique stores, and museums, imagining who lived with everything on display. I visit a lot of markets when I travel, and always bring home at least one or two souvenirs for myself. I'm not a wardrobe minimalist either: I love choices and colours and textures and every time I imagine doing something like Project 333 I die a little inside. Some categories, like cookware or electronics or bags/purses or toiletries/make up, I prefer to have just enough for what I need. I don't spend any time browsing/research products like that unless I need something and am trying to find the best price/quality fit for me. Other categories I prefer to have an abundance of. The only limit I place on those is whether I can easily store them all in their allotted space. Luckily, I have very few categories where I crave abundance (books and clothes are the only 2 that come to mind, and the library satisfies a lot of my book desires), so that works well for me.

If I attempted to make myself a strict minimalist, it would feel like a battle too. Instead, the books (like Your Money or Your Life, as mtgirl explained) showed me to make sure I was focusing most of my energy on the things that give me a big return. That focusing makes me feel more joyful and content, rather than struggling. Obviously, your shopping interests are broader than mine, and you have more money available to you, so I can understand if it won't work for you (and it's much easier to prioritise what gives you most joy when you have very little extra money, lol).

I don't think I have any more suggestions for you, but hopefully you can find a different way to fill your downtime at work at least!

Realizing that stuff is just stuff is a big first step in my books. Having to handle two family deaths in the last few months has really made me reflect on why so many of us accumulate so much in our homes and closets. It's hard not to get overwhelmed at the sheer piles of stuff that have to be bundled up to be donated, or placed in the rubbish bin, when someone passes away.

I know that my desire for purchasing has declined dramatically after having to cope with other people's possessions--and I'm feeling more than a little aghast at what I might be leaving for someone else to clean up if something happened to me. More stuff just doesn't seem very appealing when seen in that context.

Do you think it would be worthwhile to talk to someone about this? The reason I ask is often with addictive personalities we beat one addiction & another takes its place. Maybe some digging could unearth the root of the addiction. IMO you've shown great courage to articulate & face your problem & it may be helpful to feel supported while you come to grips with it all.

The seeking behavior stuff makes a lot of sense to me. The evolutionary advantages are obvious. My mother was a very thrifty shopper when I was growing up, with food, our clothes, everything, because she had to be; we didn't have a lot of money to throw around. I think I internalized a lot of that behavior, and do it even when the cost/benefit analysis is not in my favor. It's a habit, as well as a great way to get that dopamine rush of accomplishing something, of being smart and successful in your goals. Not to mention that it's one of those skills that women are often expected to have, if we're dipping our toes into gender stereotypes.

There's also the newness factor: a lot of us are fortunate enough to have stable, steady lives most of the time, which is great, but our brains seek novelty.

I am definitely a person of serial enthusiasms, and clothes have been one of those things that I have revisited every few years when I get re-interested in them.

AnnieMouse,thank you for being brave and honest. You've started a thread that others value, including me, and I hope it helps you. You've articulated your worries; I hope that means you are moving towards some resolution, which might be action, or might be acceptance, which is not to be confused with defeat.

Yes, I agree with Lantana - this has been a very valuable thread for me and I hope it is for you too.

I agree - this thread provides valuable insight and wisdom. I too struggle with my shopping habits and overspending. Thank you for being braver than me and put this into words.

Thanks for this honest and thought-provoking thread!
It has been on my mind since I first book-marked it, and time has now permitted me to read all the responses.
It reminds me that 'no question is a silly question' because although you feel alone, there are many of us (including me) who sometimes feel out of control with our spending!

Great thread and you are so brave to admit it. My wardrobe is so huge, I could probably stop shopping for the next 5 or 10 years and still have plenty of clothes to wear. I still like new things though! I'm trying not to shop any more but I have trouble with being on SYC, it just makes me want to shop more, so I am not declaring an official SYC, but I am trying to be really careful and not acquire too much. I don't even have time to wear all the clothes I do have! I'm also trying to organize the house, so it's making me want to pare down in the wardrobe department too. It's hard to get rid of the things I love, though, especially if I'm not going to be shopping much.

Great thoughts and insights in this thread! I think we all struggle with this to some degree.

I admire your honesty. Thank you for your post. For me I found a strategy that worked. I will share it and maybe it will be useful. I love to shop and I love fashion. It is a form of art for me. I know in the past I shopped too much when I was in a difficult situation. I will skip the 30 years of insights. I never bought really expensive clothes but I tended towards the mid range. Then I tried on some high end clothes and feel in love with them. My strategy has been to buy fewer items but really amazing clothes. I don't go into stores that sell anything but high end clothes. Weird but it works for me. I bought a Burberry Trench Coat 10 years ago and wore it today. I love it as much as I did the day I bought it.

The best analogy would be art. We buy original art and not prints. When I was younger I bought prints but now I buy original art. I love art and originals provides us with an experience that prints could not.

I remember reading somewhere that French women have a few very good items. I strive to be French. We love Montreal and speak terrible French. I will practice my French and shop for fewer pieces of very good clothing.

I found a strategy that worked for me. I buy original art and very good clothing.. No I am not rich. I bought maybe 5 pieces last year and that included 2 pairs of shoes for my poor feet.

I'm coming back to this thread for the wide spectrum of practical strategies.
I like Style Fan's analogy with art, that really struck a chord with me.
I am also reminded of William Morris and his idea of only having things in your life that are beautiful or practical.

I want to thank everyone for their helpful, thoughtful, and kind words.

Anniemouse, I am new to YLF and have been turning this over in the back of my mind since I first read it a few days ago -- thank you so much for this thoughtful honest post!. The topic feels so important. The urge for finding something new is so deeply intertwined with enjoying clothes that its hard to tell what is what. I get mygirl and alaskgirl and regret the amount of time spent browsing and choosing and returning. I haven't read the bools recommended by E but I will, now.