pesky self-consciousness (eta pony pic) - YouLookFab Forum

Category

General

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

pesky self-consciousness (eta pony pic)

Adelfa

Veteran

My hair has grown long enough to wear in a ponytail, but I've only worn it that way for working out. I love a dressy ponytail, but feel too self-conscious to expose my face that much anywhere but the studio!

Today while working on a spreadsheet at my desk I got hot. I took a clear elastic out of my purse, gathered my hair into a low ponytail, and went back to work.

Later I forgot and left my office like that. Guess what happened? Not one but two male colleagues said (separately), "You're wearing a ponytail. I've never seen you in a ponytail. It looks good!" I responded to each one that I got hot, and they both responded, "It looks good."

Now, these two compliments have not convinced me to abandon my self-consciousness, but they are certainly food for thought! If only reminding me that my perceptions can be quite different from those of others. And in the way that sometimes life wants to stick to a theme, this morning I was corresponding with a friend about being self-conscious about my face!

What self-consciousness are you carrying around? Has anybody unwittingly commented on the very thing that's bothering you? I'd love to hear.

General

62 replies

Latest reply was from rachylou

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

Now I want to see you in a pony tail. And I could see how you would look great in that style. I frequently wear my hair that way either out of work necessity or heat. But feel it is not my best look because I fear my head is just too small and my hair not full enough, making my head look smaller. Also I have this feeling that it's a harsh look on me and therefore aging.

So I get the opposite reaction. When customers or co-workers see me with my hair down (which is also how YLF sees me), they say how much they like it.

So I too carry self-consciousness about the pony tail!

Deborah

Veteran

Adelfa, I have always been self conscious about wearing my hair style away from my face. I was worried I wouldn't look feminine, wasn't pretty, etc, etc. so having my hair cut short was a big deal:). But the compliments I have received have only encouraged me that it was a good move.

Jenny H

Great story!!!

And yes, I also feel self-consious about ponytails or any other hairstyle where my hair is away from my face. Because my acne scars are in plain sight when I do. I wish I felt as fearless as I did in high school/college/grad school when I wore a pixie cut!

Astrid

Veteran

When my hair was longer I never ever wore it together besides for exercising and cleaning. I felt horribly self-conscious without the hair around my face so I always wore it open. Strangely the very short hair when I had a pixie didn't bother me at all and surely you could see more of my face then.

LACeleste

Veteran

I've met you and know you have a lovely face! Glad your perceptions are aligned with reality!

Thinking about your question.....

Adelfa

Veteran

Dear fabbers, thank you for your openness! I am comforted in your company! A face is a crazy thing to feel self conscious about because you have to show it every day and everywhere. I'm pretty sure I've never had this conversation with anyone before: I feel bad about my face (thanks Nora Ephron).

Denise, you've been very open about your concerns about your head size and about possible perceptions of aging. I think you have a gift for being honest about things like this without seeming pitiful. I want to be like that!

Deborah, I never would have guessed! You seem to wear your hairstyle with such confidence, actually I'm sure you do, now! I love knowing that there was some struggle there for you, not that I love that you had it, but I love that you dealt with it and didn't let it beat you!

Jenny, I'm right there with you with the acne-related concerns. That's one of the big reasons I hide. I think there's a lot of shame with acne--not just about what's on the face, but the shame sinks in and can become about *us.* Here's to both of us working our way out of that, to whatever extent we need to.

Astrid, how interesting! It's as though the long hair gave you the option to hide and you took it, but if you didn't have the option you were okay--fascinating!

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I totally understand! I wear ponytails mainly for exercise, and I share Denise's concerns about making my small head look even smaller, but sometimes I do wear a low, loose ponytail in the summer when my hair is especially unwieldy. I just try to make sure it has a little volume.

I spent time with my youngest niece earlier this year after we hadn't seen each other in a while. At one point she complimented my legs (she has my mother's long, slender legs, which I envy, even though they both have gotten "chicken leg" remarks!), and I was completely shocked. I have a complicated relationship with my legs, to say the least, and I've never thought of them as one of my better features (aside from their length), so it's very weird to get a compliment on them. So I totally understand the feeling of confusion at certain compliments.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

What an amazing and wonderful story. I am so glad that your colleagues complimented you and I would love to see your ponytail looks! You have a dynamic, interesting face, a "characterful" face -- intelligent, strong, and also sometimes sweetly mischievous. (And I know that might sound odd considering some comments you have received about looking "serious" -- but it's what I have seen here.) Anyway, it's a beautiful face, so showing it is good.

But I also understand about acne scars. I think they happen at a time when people are so vulnerable and it is very hard to get over the idea that they are all anyone sees, even when they have faded to a point where no one really notices them at all.

I am like Janet. For me it is legs. I almost never do get compliments on them but when it happens I feel a huge cognitive dissonance. It just doesn't match my inner reality.

Sal

Veteran

That is a great story....I think we all do have our insecurities or areas of self consciousness. I can feel too busty and curvy, and then feel surprised when it is complimented. But if I try and hide it, I am not sure that I like that either!.

Gigi

Veteran

I'd love to see you in a ponytail too. I'm glad you got compliments. I think that when we look in the mirror, we often exaggerate all of our imperfections, while others see our good points. I often wonder how big the difference is between self-perception and what others see.

I have been trying to work on self-confidence through fashion, and hairstyle (like wearing a ponytail) would be part of that. Yesterday, I wore a shorter skirt to a dance lesson, and I felt self-conscious. I've worn the skirt many times at home and out on errands, but I've never worn it to a place where I already know people and where I'll be with the same person for an extended period. But I wanted to wear the skirt, so I did. Well, one of the female instructors at the dance studio complimented me on it. She said it looked really good on me. She has complimented my clothing choices before. So I was really glad that I had taken the plunge and decided to wear the skirt anyway, despite the fact I was feeling a little anxious.

I have decided that regardless of body shape or how good-looking a person is on the surface, the most beautiful thing is self-confidence, and so I am trying to work on that and just do what I want to do with my clothes and hairstyle, etc., and see what happens. It's scary, but it's also very rewarding.

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

I am going to take this a step further with the honesty bit. I hope it does not come off as pitiful.

OK, for most of my life, I have taken my body for granted. I have always had a fairly proportionate hourglass figure that has been admired by both women and men. I have often gotten not specific compliments but general comments like, you have a nice figure.

What really causes dissonance is if someone says something nice about my face! It might be interesting at best. I have a good side (left) where I can look better. But look good at any angle? H3LL NO! So if anyone says something nice about my face I think they're lying. That they actually feel sorry for me because they know I'm not pretty, and they're trying to make me feel better.

I wonder if anyone else feels like this.

I think I need to go outside and hug my dogs. Then hug myself...

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Ah, Denise! I want to give your pretty face a big SMOOOCH!!!!!

Truly, we are so hard on ourselves sometimes.

Gigi, I'll bet you rocked that skirt.

Irene

Veteran

I feel very busty, so it's always funny when I visit a store that caters for +D bras and they come to me to inform about that, as if I was looking for bras in the wrong place lol
'Yes, I know, I'm a G-cup'
'Oh. Oh. Ouch'
LOL

I think I actually look better in a bun (not pony-tail) than with my hair down, because I have a long, thin face and my hair is just... unruly. And bangs, always some bangs.

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

Thanks Suz. Yes, we do a number on ourselves!!! We have had multiple threads about the pretty topic. It's so interesting how some people just grow up feeling pretty and others don't.

crutcher

Veteran

I hope you will throw your self consciousness over your face in the trash and enjoy your lovely face..Most of the time when we worry about what someone else is thinking, we are just wasting time because they are just not thinking about us...If that makes sense...
I was a thousand years ago self conscious about being tall...Let me tell you, I have come to the point where I absolutely love my height...I enjoy holding up my shoulders and being a tree topper...I wouldn't trade an inch of my height for a shorter bod...Now...
I guess if there are insecurities lurking in our hearts, time will correct them to allow us to live happier lives...Here's to that...

Jules

Veteran

I wore a lot of ponies when I was younger - not styled ones, just low maintenance, crunchy-girl ones. Then at a certain age I started feeling a disconnect between that youthful style and my overall appearance. Plus had a kid at 31- it's pretty much ritual to chop your hair in my tribe. I also thought the bangs hid my lined forehead. I have a lot of fine lines and definitely look my age.
Fast forward to 40, I got bored and decided to grow my hair. As soon as I could put it up I swore I'd never go back... It feels so good! I'm still low maintenance, read not good at styling hair, but I tease the front a bit (inspired by Aida's pomp pony, but mine is not so glorious).
And... I'm learning to like my face again. Most days It feels good to not be hiding.

Adelfa

Veteran

I'm going to have to get back to this thread later, but I just want to say, especially to Denise, it's just the pits to "know" you're not pretty, isn't it? I could prove to you I'm not. I think I've missed the prettiness threads, either that or I fully participated and then blocked it because the topic is painful!

Meredith

Veteran

Are you kidding me? I haven't been around here that long and I think it's been a while since you posted a photo of yourself and you have your cute pup on your profile (I like your style there), but even so I remember exactly what you look like because you are one pretty lady! Now let's see that pony!

Aziraphale

Veteran

Adelfa, I try not focus on this kind of stuff, because it bothers me that women are judged on appearance more than men are, and one's genetic endowment is such a complete crapshoot. It doesn't seem fair. I know men are judged more on their financial success than women are, and intellectual endowment and social class have a huge impact on that -- but at least hard work and perseverance can make a difference.

BUT -- I do know what you mean. I have a few insecurities that I work hard to overcome. Most of the time, I do, but the feelings come creeping back sometimes. All I can offer is, accept the compliments you receive as genuine. Those co-workers meant it. They like how your face looks with your hair pulled back.

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

It is truly amazing how much harder we are on ourselves that other people (honestly I think this is a female thing, I don't think guys worry about it too much).
Adelfa, it was a lovely story and cheers for your male colleagues for being real gentlemen and giving compliments where it was due. Wear the ponytail if you feel like it and enjoy!
Denise, I did not notice anything wrong with your face, it is pretty and delicate from all angles and this is all in your head (as well as Suz's pre-conceived idea that her legs are stumpy - I always want to drive to Kingston and spank her when she is saying this!)
But I understand this very well. Several years ago I was in a car accident and my face was pretty badly cut by the glass - I looked like Frankenstein for several weeks after that with all those scars and stitches. That was quite a blow to my self-esteem! I was very self-conscious about this and I thought people stare at me on the streets because of those scars - because the scars were the first thing which jumped at me when I saw my reflection in the mirror. Imagine my surprise when less than 3 months after the accident when the scars were at their reddest and puffiest I got a compliment from a guy in the store - and I did not even wear makeup at that time! That was really an eye opening for me that maybe other people do not see my flaws (aka scars) as much as I do myself and don't pay much attention to them.

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

Adelfa, this is an interesting read. I'm glad you got positive feedback on your ponytail! I was never self-conscious about wearing my hair away from my face, as a younger adult. When I was in the Army, I wore my hair long for at least a few years and had no issues about wearing it up, as required. Now, if my hair was long, I'd be like you--wear it up to work out, but not generally. I think it's a sensitivity to my aging face.
Denise's comments also resonate with me--and I was surprised to read them coming from her! I've always thought Denise was one of those natural beauties with the cool, long straight hair and enviable cheekbones. Model looks, you know?

Debbie

Veteran

Denise's comment resonates with me also. I was surprised like Firecracker to read them because I think she is beautiful.
As several people have mentioned here woman are hard on themselves. We have our insecurities and it is hard to shake them.

Adela-I would love you to post a picture of your ponytail. I bet it looks fabulous on you. I bet if you played around with it you would love the many things you can do with it.

Adelfa

Veteran

Thanks to everybody for their candid comments and I promise to take a pic of the pony tomorrow when there's some daylight!

I want to address more comments to you, Denise, because you've been so vulnerable! About all I can say is that I know the feeling. As you know, my sister was "the pretty one" and that scarred me for life! Also it's partly a question of what you get compliments on and what you don't, right? I mean, our beliefs may be inaccurate, but they're not formed in a complete vacuum.

I know what you mean about the lying. A new friend said to me I had classically pretty features (this was a first for me) and it just did not compute. My mother always said I was beautiful and I thought that meant that she, as a mother, was using an intentionally vague word because she couldn't say I was pretty! Someone today called herself the u-word to me and I think in a way this scraped some layers off of my own thoughts, and gave me the impetus to post about my ponytail.

It's really not fair, as Elisabeth says. I'm a huge NFL fan and the male TV analysts can look however (very cleaned up and enviably styled) but the women are beautiful, fashionable, and very slim.

Meredith said I haven't posted lately and there's more than one reason for that, but lately I've identified that I've been falling back into self-consciousness, and maybe that's part of my not posting too.

I just want to say to all of you that I want to fight it. I want to grow out of it. And I'd love company.

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

My sister was also the pretty one and was approached on her 14th birthday about modeling. It's rough when one child gets the attention and admiration. Adelfa do you think all of this stems from childhood messages we get?

Sveta, Firecracker and Debbie -- thank you. Your words mean a lot to me. You're right, it's hard to shake off female insecurities. Isn't it great that we have YLF where we can safely discuss these things?

Style Fan

Veteran

It has taken me a long time to accept and actually like my appearance. I look back at pictures of myself when I was in my twenties and thirties and wonder why I didn't realize how good I looked. All I saw were my "faults". At my mother in law's 85th birthday someone said to her that she looked great for her age. She said everyone in their 50s looked great to her. I began to accept myself and embrace my "beauty".

The only person who criticized my appearance was my mother. It sure stayed with me. I received lots of positive feedback but it didn't blast out the negative. I had to do that myself. This is despite the fact I did a small amount of modelling in my twenties. (a tiny amount nothing grand)

Aquamarine

Veteran

I am with Style Fan...I wish I appreciated my looks when I was younger. Instead, all I ever saw was my flaws. For some people, we remember the careless or mean statements directed at us during vulnerable times in our lives and it can be so hard to shed those perceived flaws. I am finally getting to the point where I appreciate myself, imperfections and all. This is the only face/body I will ever have and we need to make peace with each other.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Aquamarine and Style Fan, so true. I am more at peace with my appearance now that I was 25 years ago, when I was so much younger, slimmer and prettier! That's not to say that I am over my self-conscious moments -- I still have plenty of them, and it still takes me aback when I look in the mirror and see a decidedly middle-aged woman there instead of the 20-something I still feel like. I am now starting to understand what my mom was talking about when she mentioned that phenomenon.

Jody, Denise, all of you... you are beautiful! I love the way so many YLFers put themselves out there, visually and emotionally. In recent years I have had to work on learning how to be vulnerable, and it's not easy, but I applaud you and support you 100%.

MsMary

Veteran

This is such an interesting thread! Thank you so much for posting it, Adelfa!

Denise, thank you for your candid comments. Add me to those who think your face is lovely and delicate!

Style Fan, my mother was also very critical of my appearance (mostly my weight) and I carry the scars to this day. These days she is always telling me how good I look and honestly, although I respond nicely it just makes me angry!

Aziraphale, I am totally with you on the "women judged by their looks" thing. I am starting to dip my toes back into the dating world and am really struggling with the double standard whereby women are to be observed and evaluated and chosen and have so much less power than men in the whole endeavor. And don't even get me started on the age thing. Gah...

On the topic at hand, I have always been very self-conscious about my face because I feel like my bone structure is pretty well non-existent. So even when my hair is long enough, I only wear a pony tail at the gym. And I resist getting my hair cut short (even though I'd kind of like to) because I'm just not willing to show my face every day in all its doughy glory...

Style Fan

Veteran

Women are judged harshly on the basis of their appearance. I try not to participate in it. Ms Mary I entered the dating world in my mid 40s after my husband died. Yikes!

12 3