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MIL Issues

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Most of you know my mother-in-law moved in with us about three months ago as my father-in-law passed away 11 months ago and my MIL was not coping well on her own. I love my MIL dearly and she and I have a very good relationship. However a serious issue has arisen and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

My MIL has always been a very heavy smoker and in fact had a lung removed about 8 years ago due to lung cancer. Despite that health scare she has not quit. My hubby and I have never allowed smoking in our home. I'm allergic to cigarette smoke and my son is a severe asthmatic (we're talking Intensive Care hospitalization kind of asthma).

When we first made the offer for her to come and live with us we very clearly explained that there was still no smoking in the house and that she would need to take that into consideration. This was something we were not willing to bend on. She said she needed to quit anyway and this was a good reason. She managed to quit for 10 days. It started with her going outside for a cigarette here and there but has escalated to her smoking all day in the house while we're at work/son at school and then opening the windows for a bit before we get home to try and disguise the smell.

When you're a non smoker you can tell instantly when you walk in that someone has been smoking. Plus it's cold out now and I have the furnace running and she's opening the windows - flushing the heating dollars right into the great outdoors.

Today when we came home the house completely stunk of smoke and it was actually hazy inside. When I said "whoa, it's really stinky in here, you know there's no smoking in the house, right" my MIL commented that she didn't smell anything. My hubby looked at her and said "please Mom, we know you've been smoking in the house. It's obvious". She then looked me right in the eye and said "it must have been Iain's friends". My son iain has two friends who smoke but they have NEVER smoked in the house and have been incredibly respectful of this rule. i was taken aback by the bold faced lie. My husband reminded her that she could go outside for her cigarette or if too cold, could smoke in the garage.

When we were speaking a bit between the two of us later, my husband began to sympathize with my MIL stating that she has smoked for 60 years and it's an addiction. I do understand that and we have offered to get her help to quit on three occasions since she has moved in. I know this is difficult for her but I'm constantly stuffed up now and my son is back on his puffers for his asthma. We're talking health issues here.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this? I'm also concerned that this could become a problem between my husband and I if he starts to feel sorry for her smoking outside. I'm afraid this is one rule I'm unwilling to bend.

Off Topic

55 replies

Latest reply was from Caro in Oz

catgirl

Veteran

I'm probably the wrong person to comment, because I would be livid. I'm probably the worst person when it comes to people smoking, because I saw my grandfather die of emphysema and it was horrendous. Then, for your MIL to do it and then try to lie about it - argh.

On the other more empathetic hand, yes, it's an addiction and that makes people irrational. I think you and DH need to get on the same page first, so you can approach her with a plan to change her behavior, if not her addiction to smoking. She should not be smoking in your house and making your child - her GRANDCHILD! - sick.

I will come up there if I need to!

velvetychocolate

Veteran

My only suggestion is that MIL smokes outside - no matter what's going on out there. It's tough to quit - and MIL may or may not quit - but if there's going to be any smoking, it has to be outside.

Instead of putting the pressure on that MIL has to quit smoking, just make it very clear that there is to be no smoking indoors. I think this is a reasonable compromise. Instead of pressure in terms of quitting, just *insist* that she smoke outside.

Can this be done, do you suppose? I realize it's fall, and that the colder weather is arriving soon, but still - as long as there's a place outside that's semi-reasonable in terms of not being rained or snowed on, then it should be ok to smoke outside?

Ideally, she'd quit - but it's not so easy. In the meantime, I don't think that non-smokers should have to put up with smoke indoors at all, ever. The fact that the garage is acceptable is a really good thing - not as cold out there.

Hmm...sounds to me that it's just a shift for MIL to realize that smoking in someone's house isn't very nice. It was probably ok to smoke in people's houses for years and years, and it's just a cultural/generational shift that needs to be made. No point in making her feel bad about it, but you *do* have to be clear on the 'no smoking in the house' policy. No, this doesn't mean she's the bad guy or has to quit right this second, but she does need to smoke outside if/when she smokes.

While I understand what your husband is saying in regard to the addiction factor - there's no excuse for making other people uncomfortable (and unhealthy)...

Your husband is being nice and realizes that this isn't easy for his Mum, but at the same time - I think it's important to enforce the 'no smoking in the house ever' idea.

Keep on keeping on with this idea. Instead of "you have to quit and you can't smoke ever" just focus in on how it's the polite thing to do to smoke outside so that other people aren't negatively affected by it.

I know you've already tried this - but just keep on in this vein. No smoking in the house. Take all the time you need to quit or cut back or whatever, but don't smoke inside.

This is *not* too much to ask.

Hang in there TS - it's no big deal for someone to smoke outside. The best part is that the person with the smoking issue will end up smoking less, and might eventually quit.

Don't bend. You're not saying that MIL *has to quit* right this second, you're just saying, "no smoking indoors" - perfectly reasonable and totally do-able.

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

THANK YOU Una! That's exactly how I'm feeling - LIVID! It's like there's a disconnect between what she's doing and the consequences of that behaviour. Even if you took the medical reasons why we don't want her smoking in the house, there are other reasons too. The house stinks. The furniture and drapes are starting to stink. It affects resale value of a home. I mean my goodness...some of my clothing, shoes and handbags are going to start to smell!!!

You are completely correct in that DH and I need to get on the same page and I will certainly have to be sensitive to the fact that it's his mom and that she needs help in this situation.

Thanks for your understanding - I'll call you if I need you to come!

VC - thanks for your reply. The problem is we have been insisting on "no smoking in the house" and were clear on this from the outset. We are not insisting she quit (although we have offered to help her with that due to her own health issues). We've told her the two options are either smoke outside or quit because there's no smoking in the house. We've also told her she can smoke in the garage so she's out of the elements. However, as the weather gets colder her and we come into full blown winter with snow and -30 degree temperatures, we know realistically she will not go outside to smoke nor walk to the garage to do so (our garage is not attached). So that means quitting.

catgirl

Veteran

There is also this issue: when we were shopping for a new house, we refused to even consider any house that had a residual smoke smell. No matter how much cleaning you do, it's hard to get that out of woodwork, wallpaper, vents, etc. YUCK.

I agree with VC, this should be about you, not about changing her bad habits. You're not asking her to quit smoking; you're asking her not to damage your family's health and property.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Wow what a difficult situation, my sympathies are with you & your family. The rules were clear before she moved in & I think it is up to her to keep her end of the bargain. I would explain to her that as a non-smoker you can tell that someone has been smoking even when she cannot. I would also let her know that lying to you about it is not acceptable. This brings home the fact that an addiction is a terrible thing. I worked with someone who was a heavy smoker; she always maintained cigarettes were her only true friends - how terrible to feel that dependent on a substance.

RunnerChick

Shannon - if you need me to come, I will too. I'm actually a reformed smoker - I quit when I met my (now) husband and realized that I want as many years as possible with this man.

I gotta say, quitting smoking is like finding religion - I totally see all the things I was wrong and stupid about, which i could not control. Frankly, the thing that helped me the most at first were the nicotine patches. And then, the running. And, now I don't dare smoke becuase I kinda like being able to run 10+ miles.

But, really, the thing that made me quit was realizing I was hurting the people I love more than anything else in the world. I'm sorry, Shannon -- I think you are in a really tough spot. At the same time, from what you have said about your relationship with your MIL, it does sound like you might be in a great place to talk to her...directly, explicitly, and kindly (the last because you are you and you seem kind above everything else

I'm thinking of you and sending you -- as they say down here -- good vibes!
x,
RC

catgirl

Veteran

One more thing: I used to work in an office where the secretary would take files home to work on and bring them back smelling of smoke. She INSISTED that they did not smell, no matter how much we told her she had lost her sensitivity to the smell of cigarettes. Finally a client complained about their original documents reeking, and even then she wouldn't ever come out and admit it.

Call me any time! I don't think anger will help with a productive solution here, but I know I'd have to get through that to be rational.

RunnerChick

If talking will help, please call me too! Will PM you me Skype ID and phone! hang in there, x

Sylvie

Veteran

Shannon, I am so sorry. I have no helpful advice. I have a friend who has a newborn who is having issues visiting her parents' house when her dad is a heavy smoker. It's hard (on both sides) to live under someone's rules in someone's house as an adult. Your son's health is a nonnegotiable and I really really hope your MIL can come to see that she needs to do what it takes (smoking outside) to help take care of her grandson.

I'm sure your MIL feels some shame over her smoking, which is why she lies about it. The advice upthread to encourage her to smoke in the garage but not push her to quit is good. Also, if you can be as nonjudgmental as possible about the smoking while still being firm, perhaps that will let her save face. If you come home, say: "MIL, I need you not to smoke in the house. I need to you go outside or to the garage". And leave it at that - don't refer to it being stinky or having an impact on your house. You can have one conversation where you gently explain your reasons (health of son) and then after that, no more reading the riot act, just backing up the requirements. She knows why you don't want to her to smoke indoors but she is incapable of controlling herself for those reasons, so explaining again and again won't (I feel) make a difference until she i ready to process it herself.

I hope you find a good solution to this problem. *hugs*

Queen Mum

Veteran

oh my! I"m with you. I would be livid too. t's your home and you have a right to have your no-smoking rule honored. How can you possibly enforce it though as you and your husband are both gone to work all day? Is having her move out a viable option? Is DH suggesting that you bend the no-smoking in the house rule for her?

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Sylvie - your advice has really hit home for me and I thank you very much for your input. I do need to remember to be non judgemental and sensitive - sometimes I find that hard when it's an issue I feel so strongly about so I will repeat those in my head often!

Kim - moving out is not an option at this point. We made the offer for her to live with us while finding an assisted living apartment for her. She is requires some assistance and therefore is not able to live in her own home anymore. There are waiting lists and we want her to find the one she's the most excited to move into. And yes, I fear DH is starting to think about bending the rule. Which will make the situation more difficult as I cannot personally agree with that.

Thanks again everyone for your input and understanding. I truly appreciate it

MNsara

Veteran

Oh Shannon how horrible and difficult this is! I totally get the she can't just give it up just because she thought she could, but I also totally get bent out of shape when an adult I love and trust(ed) is dishonest and disrespectful with me. That hurts and ticks me off!

It sounded to me like a lot of this is coming from her hiding the fact that she's still smoking. You can't change her, and for her to feel shame for not quitting is very likely. So, if she feels no need to hide it and no shame that she can't quit, then she might REALLY understand that she's free to smoke JUST NOT IN THE HOUSE!!

Venting aside, the health concerns for your son, DH, and you are VERY real. The effects on the house are also very real. My sister is a smoker who paints her interior every year because of the yellowing

The hardest part will be if your husband isn't on the same page with you. If you're united, then you can agree on where it IS acceptable for her to smoke (garage, porch, deck, etc.) and hold her to it. You could write it all down, it sounds silly, but for some people a written agreement is taken more seriously.

Gah! At this point she can be open and honest about still smoking and HOPEFULLY she'll respect your need to take care of your health and house.

If she still doesn't cooperate, and you're both serious enough about it, then you'll need to find places for her to go while you're both at work. Drop her off at another sibling's house? one of her friends house? a senior day program? This would be so silly to have to do, but . . .

Gaylene

Veteran

I'm thinking that the conflict here is between your right to have a smoke-free home and her right, as an adult, to make her own choices. I'm with the others in telling her, with or without your husband's support, that you do not want smoking in any part of your house, including her bedroom area. Period.

But, instead of telling her where she must go to smoke, or telling her she must quit, I think you have to let HER come up with a solution that she will abide by while living in your shared home. It seems that, if you try to tell her what she must do, she'll just become evasive, and, as you've seen, outright lie about what she is doing, probably because she is ashamed of her lack of control. If that continues, it would be disastrous for your relationship.

Once you've had some time to get over feeling like you'd like to throttle her, maybe try sitting down with a "we need a solution" attitude. Your non-negotiable is "no smoking in the house" and you have good reasons for that stance (with which she probably understands and agrees, oddly enough). Her non-negotiable might be "I still need to live my life, otherwise I'll never feel like I'm in my own home." Fair enough. But let HER come up with a solution for the problem. Wait it out, if necessary, but don't leave the discussion until she comes up with solution for how she will handle it. Then offer any assistance to help her make it work.

I think it is very hard for an older person who has lived through difficult times to move in with a child. The parent-child role of providing food and shelter becomes reversed. If you think about it, her evasiveness and outright lying is how a child, when he or she does something wrong, responds to a parent. Don't get caught playing the parent role; find a resolution as two adults working together because they love and respect each other.

You love her and want her in your home, but she needs to find a way to accommodate her desire for smoking with your need for a smoke-free environment if the situation is going to work.

Glory

Veteran

Oh my Shannon this is not good. It is a total deal breaker. I too would be livid. Here is the bottom line - you cannot put yourself or son at this risk - the cost is simply to great. She must quit because as you mention - way too cold in Wpg. If she is smoking in the house now she certainly will when it is cold. You must have a plan B started if she doesnt stop and then the choice is hers to make.

Anonymous

Oh, what an awkward situation. I know you have a special relationship with her, even predating your marriage to her son, but smoking in the house is unacceptable. Not to mention lying to you and throwing your son's friends under the bus.

I think Gaylene's advice is really good.

I empathize with her addiction, but if you don't nip this in the bud now, the problems will only escalate and cause further strain.

Big hugs, Shannon!

missvee

Veteran

Well you are really between a rock and a hard place here. It's not reasonable to expect an old lady addicted to cigarettes to stand outside in a Canadian winter. Nor is it reasonable to jeopardize the health of you and your son by allowing her to smoke inside. Is there anywhere else that she can stay until an assisted living spot comes up? Have you talked to her doctor to see if she can be moved up the list? Can she rent a small apartment or even a room in the interim? Your husband probably feels guilty that things have gone so wrong so fast, but none of this is anybody's fault. Take heart - if you work together I'm sure you will find some answers.

catgirl

Veteran

Okay, I was in quite a mood last night. One other issue you might have already considered, but just in case: is she going to be able smoke at an ALF? My clients in care facilities are often suffering from COPD or other heart and respiratory issues and can't be around smoke (oxygen tanks - hello disaster!)...

Sorry if I was a little too ranty yesterday.

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

Just to clarify, here an Assisted Living Facility is a rented apartment within a complex that has some medical care on site, a communal dining room for when you don't wish to cook, an activities area and usually planned activities. It is a private apartment though with your own full kitchen, etc. But there's assistance when you require it. It's not a nursing home.

MIL has been on one tour of a facility and did not care for it and there is a bit of reluctance to move forward finding a suitable place. Currently she is not on a waiting list at all.

Una - that's a good question. Some places have a communal "smoking room" (can you imagine the air quality in that?) for clients, others do not. None of the facilities allow smoking in your own apartment.

Update: MIL and I had a more calm discussion earlier today on the phone whereupon I apologized for being so outspoken and essentially attacking her behaviour. I told her I recognized this was difficult for her and that it is not our place to demand she quit smoking. However, smoking in the house is non negotiable for health reasons and we would need to reach a solution that everyone could live with. (thank you Gaylene for all of your helpful advice - I used quite a bit of your wording!). She said she understood and not to worry. She also mentioned she was going out for dinner with her granddaughter and we'd see her later.

When we got home from work, it was clear she'd been smoking in the house again despite it all

Gaylene

Veteran

Oh, Shannon, she is making this so difficult, isn't she? Do you think she truly can't help herself when it comes to smoking, or do you think she is testing your resolve to see whose side your husband will take? Either way, it sounds like your relationship is taking a beating. Right now, it sounds like she wants to put you into the role of "bad cop" so she can feel like a victim. Then, if you ask her to leave, she gets to feel vindicated in feeling that you didn't want her all along.

Instead of admonishing her, can you and your husband keep pressing her for a solution so your current living arrangements can work for everyone?

It's not easy dealing with an elderly parent, especially after they have had to move out of their own home. Would she be willing to talk to a counselor? She may be having a difficult time adjusting to the loss of her husband, her home, and her community. Your local hospital, or seniors' advisory agency, might be able to put you in touch with someone who she can talk to about her current feelings and situation.

I guess, ultimately, if your family requires a smoke-free environment and she is not willing to stop smoking indoors, the current arrangement is not going to work out-- which will be so sad for everyone. And, if it helps, I've been in a very similar situation with my mother after she moved in with us when my father passed away. It took a while for me to understand that she was feeling miserable and resentful at what had happened but she couldn't express her feelings except by taking her emotions out on those who were close to her. It took time, and a great deal of patience, to work things out. But your MIL has to want to make it work as much as you and your husband do, otherwise your options become much more limited.

Aziraphale

Veteran

I haven't been commenting much in the past week because it's been a busy one, but I feel I have to add my two cents' worth here.

I'm an ex-smoker. I loved smoking. I'd still be doing it if it wasn't bad for you, and bad for those around you. I smoked from about the age of 23 to 30, and I know how hard it is to quit. (Side bonus of getting pregnant? BIG incentive to quit. Your mother-in-law ain't gonna have that option). And I only smoked for seven years, whereas your MIL has been a smoker practically forever. It's going to be extra-hard for her to quit. I would argue that she doesn't have to -- it's her body; if she wants to destroy her remaining lung, all the power to her.

BUT SHE HAS TO DO IT OUTSIDE. It's your house, and she ABSOLUTELY CANNOT SMOKE IN THERE. Stay firm on this. Even the slightest trace of smoke is evident inside a building, so even if second-hand smoke wasn't carcinogenic, it would still be noticeable and annoying to all non-smokers in the house. Your husband may feel sorry for his mom having to smoke outside, but that's the rule. If it were me -- and keep in mind that I have the greatest sympathy for smokers, and I even like the smell -- I would still insist that there be no smoking in my house. Hell, even when I smoked, I never did it inside -- not my own house, not anybody else's. We all know IT'S REALLY BAD FOR YOU. Your MIL has to understand that while she has the right to pollute own body, she has no right to trespass on your generosity by sharing the smoke with the rest of you.

End rant.

Deborah

Veteran

Wow Shannon this would be a very challenging situtation and I am with you. This is non negotiable. We have one friend who is a smoker and he would dream of smoking inside our house and he goes outside no matter the weather.

This may have been mentioned up thread but one of the issues could be that with all the recent changes your MIL is not feeling that she is 'in charge' of her life. She is no longer running her own home, her husband has been taken from her, perhaps you are preparing her meals, etc People do funny things in unusual circumstances and this could be her (inappropriate) way of trying to being "in control" of something. I think you and your DH do need to remain united and keep the dialogue going with our MIL. You recenlty set up a lovely area outdoors, could she encouraged to use that? Or with the cooler weather coming is it possible to set her up a cosy sitting area in the garage?

Also maybe if in agreement, you DH leaves it to you to talk to MIL. We had a similar but different situtation with my own mum who uses some inappropriate language. When our son was born we became much more sensitive to this and after some gentle nudging , my husband had to be quite direct with my mum that we didn't want her using that language in our home, in front of her grandchild. For some reason she took it fine from DH whereas I am not sure she would have received it as well from me. He has been pretty good.. but she doesn't live with us.

And I support you that this is an area where there cannot be any compromise. Your son's health is a number 1 priority .... and all your lovely clothes will start carrying the smell if its allowed to continue:(

Transcona Shannon

Veteran

I want to thank you all for your insight in this situation. I have a lot to think about and if it's ok, I'm not going to respond just yet. I need to let it "sit" for a bit, you know?

Irene

Veteran

Your MIL's health (both physical and psychological) is important. You don't want her to go crazy/get a huge cold due to standing outside. I get it. And she's your husband's mother, so it's normal that he would sympathize with her.

BUT it's your son that's in danger now, and I believe he comes first. Alaways. So yes, you are right not to bend on this. You just can't. If she wants to smoke, she will have to do it somewhere else. Period.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Shannon - I am guilty of not checking the Off Topic section very often and so I have missed this conversation. I am so, so sorry you are struggling with this - it sounds like a very difficult and painful situation in all kinds of ways.

I think the first step, as others have said, will be getting on the same page with your lovely husband. I get the sense he may be wavering, and you don't feel 100% confident that you can count on his support to remain firm on the rule of no smoking in the house. I think first you two need to have a conversation and ensure you are united on this. That will help you move forward.

Next - I felt immediate concern for you when you mentioned that MIL is showing reluctance to look into assisted living places. It is one thing to know this might go on temporarily, but another to think there is no possible "out," so to speak.

It seems like you need a plan of some kind. It's true you can't tell your MIL to quit, and I like Gaylene's idea to ask her to come up with some solutions. Maybe when pressed to think this way, she will recognize that she really needs to make some kind of moves - whether that be towards actually going to SEE assisted living places, or going to the doctor to see about getting a nicotine patch and some support for quitting (if, in fact, she really wants to try that.)

I agree with Sylvie that the best approach is one that is as non-judgemental as possible under the circumstances - sort of like dealing with a toddler or teenager. You draw the line and act like a broken record rather than engaging in any argument or discussion about it. I'm sure you have had lots of experience with this as a mom!

BUT, as we all know, with toddlers and teenagers we always have in our minds the backup of consequences (whether imposed or real-world). What are the consequences to MIL if she keeps ignoring your rule? Can you and hubs agree on a set of actions that will follow, and convey those to her (in the kindest possible way)? It may be necessary to do this.

I would be livid, too, and AM livid on your behalf. I know that not ALL cancers are caused by smoking, but I also remember that your husband had cancer as a young man, and putting the two together, I feel even more concerned on your family's behalf. LIke Una, I saw a grandfather die of emphysema, and I also grew up the child of heavy smokers.

Here is a ray of hope. My own mother, who had smoked heavily (a pack a day) from the age of about 25 to 83, stopped smoking cold turkey when she got her OWN breast cancer diagnosis. She misses it terribly. But she stopped. And she is still alive today.

Anonymous

Shannon, I understand that you want to sit with things, and there is no need to respond to my question. Let me just throw this out there. This may seem farfetched, but is there any chance that she doesn't remember smoking? Is she showing any signs of memory issues or dementia? Just a thought.

MsMary

Veteran

Hugs, Shannon!

I'm an ex-smoker, too, and I can totally relate to both your incredibly anger and feelings of betrayal, and your MIL's inability to quit.

I agree with Gaylene that it is incredibly likely that she will not be able to quit, and you need to understand that trying to quit because somebody orders you to do so is almost always going to end badly. If it were me, I would sit her down and say something like the following:

"MIL, you know how much I love and adore you. We love having you here, but we just can. not. have. smoking in our house for a number of reasons with which you are familiar. I'm not going to repeat them because you know what they are. I am realizing that when we brought you to live here, none of us realized how hard it was going to be for you to keep from smoking in the house. And unfortunately that is our one non-negotiable condition for your staying here: No smoking in the house. So... I'm thinking it's time to find an assisted living place that allows smoking and get you on the waiting list. And in the meantime, we will fix up a nice cozy area in the garage [with a space heater and television, maybe?] and we must absolutely insist that you go out there to smoke."

Jonesy

Veteran

I am just seeing this (I keep forgetting to check the OT tab). I guess I'm a mean old, heartless person, because I would tell her she has to leave if she cannot follow the agreement that all of you decided on before she moved in. Your son's health comes first. Period. I would certainly get her on the wait list asap, and if she can't smoke outside or in the garage, then I would pack her bags and tell her that she needs to find other arrangements.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Shannon, I can't even begin to give you advice on this, and you've gotten lots of words of wisdom already, but I just wanted to lend a bit more solidarity. Smoking in the house is firmly verboten in our family, even though my sister smoked heavily for 40 years (just quit this year!). It's a struggle for the smoker, but the health of your son and your home is your first priority, I understand. I wish you the best in coping with such a difficult situation.

celia

Veteran

Dear Shannon, this is a unhealthy situation for you in many senses.
You already had great advice on how to do it nicely and politely , I just wanted to say that you have a right for this to be non negotiable both with your MIL and DH.Trying to find a compromise will stress you all out more and for longer.
The house is a non smoking territory and if someone doesn't comply with it they cannot live in your house(this is why I said that the other ladies already gave you great advice on how to say this politely).
I am sorry if I sound too harsh but if it is something that is dangerous for you and your son, if it was something that was previously accorded between you, there cannot be any compromise or any trying to disguise something that is obvious for everybody. I know that she is older, she is sick, but none of this can justify smoking in the house just because she doesn't want to go into the garage .
Big hugs.

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