First of all, you are all WONDERFUL people for taking the time to comment about my situation. I so appreciate all of the wonderful advice and hugs. Thank you.

DH and I had a long talk the other night after everyone else was in bed and I reminded him of all the Emergency Department visits, hospital stays and three bouts of Pediatric Intensive Care stays that our son has had over the years with his asthma, and how for over six years we had a nebulizer unit in his bedroom and he had to take masks three times a day to keep his O2 sat levels up. I reminded him of how long and hard we worked with the specialist to find ways to keep the asthma under control, learn what our son's triggers are and what combination of medications works best for him. I reminded him of how our son exercises every day to keep his lungs healthy and how he ensured his smoking friends understood and how caring they have been.

He agreed that we don't want to go back to laying awake at night listening to our son breathe. So he sat down with his Mom in private and told her the same thing...."Mom, remember when Iain was so sick with his asthma that time that we had to call the ambulance and they intubated him on the front lawn? (and yes, I'm serious, that happened). They talked about the fear we had that we might lose him and how his health has to be #1 in our home. She hasn't had a cigarette in the house since.

Good for you Shannon. You may have to remind her and your husband periodically but focusing on the positive outcome of a healthier household is the way to go. I am glad you have worked it out for now. I really admire you for taking in your MIL. It was a very unselfish thing for you to do and I am sure she appreciates it a lot.

Shannon, I'm thrilled that you and DH were able to talk and together remember your priorities. Also thrilled that DH went to talk to his mom and remind her about your priorities. Further thrilled that she saw the VERY realness of needing to put Iain's health above her need to smoke conveniently/comfortably.

I hope you three will be able to continue to work on it, if it crops up again. (and it well may because older folk can get illogical and stubborn

Here's to mild (enough) weather and to getting her name on a waiting list or two!!

Shannon, I have been thinking of you all day. I'm SO glad you and your husband had this talk and it has had an impact on MIL. And I hope she will continue to hold fast.

The thing is, it's going to be super hard for her, even with the best intentions, so I still think a plan of some kind is important. Not that you can put that in place in one day, but I hope you'll be able think about next steps here to make sure everyone is happy and comfortable and healthy and safe.

You are SUCH a lovely woman to take MIL in.

I'm so pleased for you all.

Oh, I'm so glad. I know my parents would stop EATING if it harmed their grandkids somehow! Please keep us posted. I'm glad your MIL was able to make this happen without more confrontation.

Update: We've also come up with a solution that we are all THRILLED with - check this out http://www.greensmoke.com/cata.....od_14.html. We're going to buy this for MIL and she can smoke to her heart's content in the house all winter! I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner. A friend of mine bought this two years ago and hasn't smoked a "real" cigarette since.

I've never heard of that! What a brilliant device!

I stopped drinknig caffeine when I was pregnant but now I'm just addicted to decaf tea, so I totally get the comfort a "routine" habit gives you.

COOL! I hope it helps her. Habit is so important. So maybe it will give her the comfort she needs.

That's what I'm thinking too Suz - this way, no one has to give up anything.

I am SO glad you had the discussion with your DH, Shannon. Indeed, I was going to suggest that very thing, because it would be nearly impossible for any parent to essentially sacrifice tehir child at the altar of their parent's addiction. I understand devotion to one's parents and wanting to accomodate his mother, but his own child has to come first. Fortunately, it sounds like both he and his mother saw this and took it to heart.

The smoke-less cigarettes would make life much easier for her regarding everything. With them, she can have her "fix" no matter where she is, and she can live, dine, or go anywhere without wondering where there is an exit where she can go smoke. If she can accept the change in habit, these are a brilliant idea.

Hi Shannon, late to the party here. I smoked for many, many years, on and off. Mostly on. I finally quit in 2006. My boyfriend, brother, and 75% of my co-workers smoke. Many of my friends smoke. I don't mind being around smokers, I'm not fanatic about this. What bothers me about your story is not that she's a smoker, but that she defies your request, while listening to your DH. That would really bother me. But I guess you need to be a bit manipulative here and let him be the smoking police. And ignore the disrespect. As people age, there can be a loss of maturity. Like a regression in social EQ. Or maybe, they have lived so long that they don't give a d*mn and become totally unfiltered.

Shannon, I just saw this thread, as I don't always check the OT page. I'm glad you were able to work things out with your MIL. I hope the situation continues to work smoothly. I'm sorry you had to go through such turmoil to get there. I'm an asthmatic myself, and I'm highly allergic to cigarette smoke, so I know what the stakes are. Hugs to you.

I only saw this now, but I wanted to say I'm glad you worked it out! Your son's health is most important and I wouldn't have budged an inch either. I still have an oversensitive bronchial system and had asthma as a child. I was on heavy duty medicine since I was six months old and had to inhale a few times a day until I was eight. I know how it is when you can't breathe. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents when I was little because my parents were both still studying and my grandfather smoked a lot, same as my uncle. My mum told me they smoked inside all the time before she had me. The first time I went to visit my grandma insisted they only smoke outside and continued to demand it, even when I wasn't there. My grandpa finally stopped ten years later, but he died in 2008 because his lungs couldn't take it anymore. He was the last six months on oxygen, but I had never seen something so terrible before. I'm glad to say I have never smoked (I didn't even try it once).

Hi, Shannon;
I feel badly that I've forgotten to check this section since the web site change; otherwise I would have suggested the electronic ciggies right after you first posted. I am a rabid non-smoker, but I remember seeing a TV story on them a few months back and a newer one having to do with medical marijuana. I hope this works out for all; so sorry your MIL wasn't able to get that evil nicotine monkey off her back after she lost her first lung.

Thanks Echo, Denise, Beth, Astrid and Donna - so appreciate your wisdom and thoughts.

Unfortunately yesterday we came home from work again to the smell of cigarettes, albeit limited to the bathroom. MIL obviously thinks that if she smokes in the bathroom with the door shut and the exhaust fan on, nobody will notice. Except it completely traps the smell in a small room and the towels and shower curtain positively reek. I know she's trying and I'm completely sympathetic to the fact that it's an addiction.

She has declined using the electronic cigarette but without expressing why. I truly believe the "real" cigarettes are not just a physical addiction for her but a psychological addiction and an issue of control.

Not sure where we go from here but we're trying to work it out.

Shannon, she's NOT trying. Outside is surely no farther a walk than to the bathroom? She is pushing things as far as she can. It makes me really sad to say because I know the value of family and I know you want to do anything you can to make this work, but at some point the question does need to be posed to your DH, "We have to make a choice. Is it your mother or our son?" It sounds cold, but there it is, and it is about all you are left with at this point.

Or you can continue to try to "work" with her (you making suggestions, her agreeing and then going back on her word), all the while endangering your son, reducing the value of your home and driving a wedge between you and DH.

I am afraid you have to have a Plan B ready to go. I had a difficult situation to deal with recently (sorry, can't go into specifics) and I had to lay things out very clearly: the attitudes and behaviours that needed to change and the fact that I would not be an enabler and that I would do whatever was necessary to protect X. I emphasized the positives, but made it clear I was no longer prepared to accept the negatives. I specifically said I was making no threats and issuing no ultimatums but that I would do what was necessary. And I prayed like crazy. The thing is, I was fully prepared to follow through and do what was necessary, no matter how painful, because the status quo was quite simply unacceptable.

So you have to know what you are prepared to do to follow through. And act now. You do not want behaviours to become entrenched. I would suggest you put her immediately on a waiting list. After all, if things improve, you can always take her name off it again. You could also (although this would be a very expensive solution, so quite possibly not doable) build a small carriage house on your property for her to live in. Or find her a small apartment nearby. Does she have other children who could take her in? Explore all the possibilities, because it doesn't look hopeful that she is going to change her behaviour. And find one that could be implemented, if only temporarily, in the very near future. You would have to be the judges of how much she would know about your planning, but my gut instinct says, the more she knows the better. The shock of hearing her son making the phone calls might actually get through to her.

I am doubly sad about this, because I know how well you have gotten along with her before. A painful time for sure, but you can get through this. Stand firm, because so much is at stake.

Shannon, so sad to hear about the latest developments. Big hugs....you are such a great daughter in law.

The other piece of this worrying puzzle is your relationship to MIL - which has always been such a good one with lots of shared fun times and mutual support. So it would be sad to see that degenerate, too.

Hugs, hugs, hugs, and as JR says, it is time for Plan B, which may involve the "consequences."

I know it is very hard for the previous generation to accept the health risks of smoking. They grew up with the idea that it was trendy and in a warped way, smoking was promoted as fashionable. I feel for you Shannon. I am thinking your garage is detached. If not, I see no reason for her to not smoke in the garage.

I have no great advice for you. I suspect the colder it gets outside, the more it will be an issue.

Oh my, this is so sad. I'm an ex-smoker too, and I am amazed now at how much I could not smell before. But I was never insistent that I be able to smoke wherever I wanted.

It's clear that you are going to have to come to some other arrangement. How far away is your garage? Is there any way to make a more sheltered walkway there? Or perhaps a porch?

My Dad is this way, although he has not smoked in the house since the 70s. But the garage and everything in it stinks. He smokes there or out on the back porch. My parents built a wooden frame around the porch and every year in winter they staple up clear plastic all around, so that it is a bit more sheltered and insulated. The dryer vents into that space as well and it stays remarkably warm. Could you do something like that, perhaps?

And, has your son talked to her himself? Maybe if he told her about the fear and pain involved it would have more of an effect.

I'm late to find this thread but wish you the best with your MIL. My MIL (died at 60 due to stroke caused by clogged arteries because of her long smoking history. When my son was born she came for a long visit half way across the country. We told her she had to do her smoking outside but soon learned that windows and doors needed to be closed too or the smoke was drawn inside. I came seconds from calling the fire department one might when I was awakened by the heavy smell of smoke in the wee hours. I screamed "Fire" and for DH to get the baby and get everyone out. He found the source...his mother smoking in her room where the baby was also sleeping in his crib. She couldn't believe that we could smell the smoke! My throat and nose were so raw from it that it was hard to breathe. She left as soon as
arrangements could be made and never could stop smoking, even begging for cigarettes while on oxygen. She was a wonderful lady in every other way.
Big hugs and hopes for a happy solution.

I am only just seeing this, but I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I am allergic to tobacco smoke and can't imagine how scary it must be with your son's asthma issues. It saddens me to see that she has declined the electronic cigarette and also started to smoke in the bathroom even after being reminded of her grandson's health.

I am with MaryK 100% on this... to be blunt, it is like every other addiction: as long as you and DH keep allowing her to stay in your home while she breaks her end of the agreement, You are essentially are enabling her to endanger your son. In the end we can only control our own actions, and you have the power to stick to your deal, which said she could not stay if smoking in the house. If she sees you are serious about getting her on a wait list for a place that allows smoking, the ball will officially be in her court to choose what to do.

Sorry to have such a Dr. Phil moment, but my very good friend has family with bad addiction problems and so I hear this kind of talk a lot.

Shannon, this has got to be the most frustrating situation. I agree wtih others - you need to stick to your guns for your son's sake if nothing else. Having him talk to her is a great suggestion and might help, but I fear the addiction will outshout him. It makes me sad for everyone involved. Am thinking of you and sending hopeful vibes your way.

I am so sorry that this situation is continuing. Sending you hugs and positive thoughts.

Oh I'm so sorry Shannon. My thoughts are with you.