Letting go of what distracts you... - YouLookFab Forum

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Letting go of what distracts you...

Lantana

Veteran

In Ornella's wrap up of her Flavia series she made a comment that jolted me with its pertinence.
It was "letting go of what's distracting me from wearing those pieces I enjoy the most".
This rang so true for me that I decided to make a list of my distractions:
Not wanting to look overdressed for my casual country town environment.
Waiting for an elusive "occasion" to wear fab outfits.
Dressing down to fit in with my RATE bloke.
Feeling it's not worth dressing well when it's only for an hour or two in the day.
Packing too lightly when I leave home to visit family and friends.
Trying too hard to get the maximum wear out of clothes.
Procrastinating on mending and sewing projects so that the key piece in an oufit remains out of service.

There's more I'm sure but the list is long enough for me to give myself a rocket. New Style Goal = letting go of the above.

How about you? What gets in the way of you allowing yourself to wear the pieces you enjoy most?

Dressing

35 replies

Latest reply was from Lyn D.

krishnidoux

Veteran

Great list idea, Lantana! And great goal too. I'm in. Here's mine:

Not wanting to look unapproachable by wearing something too chic
Afraid I look like I'm "trying too hard"
The AMDLS: Afraid of the Mutton Dressed as Lamb Syndrome: When you don't think you look like one, but worry others might think so.
Looking too cute for my age (45), making me look older.
Looking too matronly
Looking fat... yes, I must admit, I'm not proud nor happy, but it's still there, and still dictating some of my choices...
Leg stumpifying factor
Not having the basics to support the interest piece in question
Not having a suitable occasion
Not feeling confident enough in my body. Yes, I also admit this one. Not proud, but true. I admire how some gals can pull off some sexy looks as if it was as easy as breathing.

Me too, my style goal is now to continue my effort in letting go, especially # 6, 8, 9 and 10!

Lantana

Veteran

Krishnidoux, thanks for putting yourself on the line, I hope you found making a list as edifying as I did. None of my distractions are particularly noble and some are downright silly. I want to let go of all of mine and I think I can. Et vous?

Lantana

Veteran

Ah, Krishnidoux, we cross-posted. I see you have specific distractions in your sights. That sounds manageable and realistic.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

What great insights, Lantana and Krish. K, I definitely share some of those concerns (5 and 6 resonate -- and if an outfit makes me feel either of those things, off it goes!).

"letting go of what's distracting me from wearing those pieces I enjoy the most"

You know what distracts me most from wearing the pieces I enjoy the most? A misguided sense of obligation to give the lesser-loved items in my wardrobe a turn. So sometimes I think my large wardrobe is a distraction in itself. Now, I wouldn't say it's a distraction that drives me to despair, because my biggest problem in getting dressed is often trying to narrow down which fab jacket/top/shoes/dress I want to wear -- not a bad problem to have. But it does mean that I need to keep bringing an editing eye to my closet every time I open it.

Great question to ponder, L. Thanks for starting the thread.

unfrumped

Veteran

Great post!

--"Saving" items
--trying to target a specific outfit for a specific day or type of day (related to saving)
--not being aggressive or inventive enough in layering to add warmth if a favorite item isn't inherently warm enough

Lantana

Veteran

Janet your "misguided sense of obligation" is an interesting one. You note that these are lesser-loved pieces, not unloved, so there's no question that they deserve to remain in your closet.
I think too it's a case of every piece having its day in the sun. My moto and bootcuts, both of which I love, have been skipped over for months until Angie's post on thrown together casual layers. I wore them today in a new to me way and fell in love with them all over again.

shedev

Veteran

Dry Clean Only on the label.

Lantana

Veteran

Yes unfrumped, I'm guilty as charged on these three things too, especially the "would be if could be" distraction. Case in point: Angie's inventive ideas for layering from today's blog post had me thunking my forehead. Duh, I could have adopted that look on a score of occasions, if only I had the eyes to see the possibilities.

Lantana

Veteran

Shedev, I take that to mean wash carefully by hand!

VernieJane

This is a great thread. I have never thought about it like this, and I think it could be very helpful to make a list as well. Here goes, things that distract me from wearing what I enjoy the most:

-Looking too skinny, too tall and/or sexy at work. Ok, don't hate me, but I am tall and thin. I love wearing form fitting, black, rebellious clothing, but I have a complex of looking like a slut. The fact that I am also thin, people constantly comment on it. (see next item)

-Not wanting other women to hate me

-on the other hand, dressing too down as a result, feeling like I don't "deserve" to dress really well. This is a psychological hangup in general in all areas of my life.

-Comfort/warmth in winter. Priority is comfort, and not style, and unfortunately maybe my priorities are backwards?

-Keeping old items that have holes or are too faded because I can't afford to buy newer versions. I.e. not investing in nice, new items (see above about "deserving"...)

-Keeping items that don't fit me because I need to have them altered. I have a bag of these.

-Buying items I never really want to wear, like dresses and heels and classy beige stuff, when what I actually want to wear is more rock n roll chic.

-Not showing tattoos at work: I work in a very casual environment, and I could absolutely wear tank tops that show my 3/4 sleeve tattoos if I wanted to in the summer. But I want to be taken seriously, and as a result, I cover them by choice, which often results in looking matronly or old fashioned.

Wow, I always thought I was just being lazy, but this list makes me see that it is much more complex that that. Hm... thanks for this thread!

Anonymous

Oh, this is good Penny! Part of why I pared down my wardrobe was mentioned by Janet. I felt an obligation to wear the lesser loved items to "save" the really favorite ones from being damaged or worn out. So I wanted to force myself to only wear my favorite things by getting rid of the mediocre ones. But I still find myself wearing gear for longer than I need to each day for the same reason: I'm subconsciously (or maybe downright consciously) worried about wearing them for day-to-day. Or I'm worried that I'll find out they're not as perfect as I thought they were. I wore my white jeans and charcoal pullover last week and realized the rise of my jeans was about an inch shorter than I'd like, and my pullover was an inch or two shorter than I'd like (meaning they didn't overlap enough for my comfort) and that really bummed me out. When I was just going into my closet to admire my clothes all hanging neatly, my ignorance to this was bliss. I've been doing my own little "Get Dressed December" challenge 5 days a week to combat this.

I also struggle with dressing in my casual suburban environment and with my very 'RATE bloke' like you! Like Krish, I'm struggling to let go of fears of looking unapproachable or too dressed up. One of my silly resolutions is to wear my Okalas (heels) anytime I have a sitting occasion and the weather is conducive to it. What am I saving them for? It's not like I'll wear them out before they go out of style, lol!

Peri

Veteran

I relate to Krishnadoux's 3 and 4.

In a very general and broad sense...wearing something that someone who "knows better" will think is wrong.

viva

Veteran

I think my distractions are really big ... and I am going to have to work hard to let them go.
First, the fear that I will look too polished = too "square" = too boring = too old. (This will be tough. My whole life I have pushed against the orderly part of my nature. I was the straight-A, student council, high school virgin who smoked.)
And second, the belief that the next haircut, next sweater, next pair of jeans, next purchase will be THE one that makes it all come together.
Ugh, just writing these "distractions" out makes me feel kind of terrible. But I probably need to confront these things.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Viva, I relate! I definitely have a fear of looking boring/matronly/average. And I have a bad habit of ascribing magical powers to a coveted item.

AnnieMouse

Veteran

Oh, what a great topic - I'd never have really thought about it. Thank you for broaching it.

My distractions include, like others, (1) a desire not to "wear out" my favourites - I'm haunted by a blouse I adored that I wore until it literally fell apart at the seams, before I was ready to let it go. I also wrestle with the idea that (2) looking polished makes me look older or too fussy - I love the relaxed and casual, tossed together but cohesive sort of thing that certain types can manage with such aplomb. But somehow, when I try for it, I always feel either sloppy or just that hair too polished, destroying the relaxed vibe I so covet.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

What a great thread, Penny!

What’s distracting me from wearing the pieces I love most?

Ugh!! I can't believe I'm about to write it: buying clothes that I love, with few occasions for wearing them.

It’s as simple as that. The pieces I love most are not 100% conducive to my work-at-home casual life.

My solution has been to put more time, effort, and money towards the work-at-home casual wardrobe, so that each piece is loveable. And this has been a major improvement. I do in fact love or at least like most of my stay-at-home wardrobe now. And I like the outfits I can create with these pieces for my casual wear.

Still, some of my very favourite pieces (pointy toed booties, leather jackets, other jackets) just aren’t comfortable or useful when I am at the computer all day. Or they are not practical in terrible weather.

The dilemma is this: I do need them. I'm not just buying for a fantasy lifestyle. I wear all of these clothes, too -- just not as often as I wear the more casual pieces. I wear them in my city-travel capsule, so at least once per month and usually more often than that.

I guess there is no real way around this one.

I also relate to Viva's point. I am always afraid I will look too square, boring, dull. As someone whose style is basically modern classic, I worry that I'll just look....unfashionable. "Corporate" is the word some people have used to describe my style at times. And I cringe. Because, because....(horrors) I like suits! I like pencil skirts! I like jackets!!! Maybe I really should have become a lawyer as I trained to do!! Maybe I'm not really an artist at all? How can I be an artist if I dress like an....accountant? (Apologies to all accountants...I do not disparage accountants or lawyers but respect them deeply...this is about clothing here...) But but but....I like modern classic, I like how it looks on me..."quirky" looks stupid on me!! Boho looks stupid on me. Avant guard looks overwhelming on me! (And on the inner refrain goes...)

Aleta

This is such a thought provoking thread, so much of what is being said resonates with me. I always am aware that I might look too dressed up or smart, which naturally makes you wonder if people will assume that you are trying too hard, this in turn might make them come to the conclusion that you are a bit superior.

I also am guilty of saving favourite things, worrying that if something happens to them I may not be able to replace them with something that is as nice or as good quality! Then of course there is the "mutton dressed as lamb" conundrum, By this I am not talking about skirts too short or tops too low, but just maybe looking too trendy for a woman in her 50's.

So much to let go of! I think we all need fashion counselling!!

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I can relate to the saving things. Also, the thought that if I'm sitting home alone, I'm 'wasting' the outfit.

Lantana

Veteran

I admire the wisdom and frank disclosure here. Please don't be too hard on yourselves fabbers. I'd like to think your list making brings you to a healthy resolution, which might mean action, or might mean a spot more contemplation.
I'll get back to respond more fully when I wake up properly! For now, a simple thanks - Penny

jayne

Veteran

My thing that holds me back from wearing a favorite more is cultural, not supposed to wear the same thing twice in a week/row..and lack of imagination t find FAB ways to wear it (sneakily in the same week) by putting it in a new outfit. I can find nonfab ways to wear it twice but I want the second outfit to be as fab as the first priority outfit I use that item in. Does that even make sense to you all?

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

There's a thing that many of the people who were on What Not to Wear (US version) said that I feel sometimes; they say that they'd rather not try to dress well rather than attempt, fail, and be judged for it. I think about that a lot, especially in a media climate that is so judgmental of women's bodies. Sometimes it seems the saner course to just refuse to participate at all. But then the other part of me wants to enjoy dressing, to enjoy the aesthetics of different colors and fabrics and proportions. I don't know if it's something I can let go of, but it is maybe something that I should stop resisting, and just accept that this is a tension for me and will likely continue to be so for a long time.

Niefern

My main "distraction" is basically that I am lazy. Lazy to stop and really think about putting a nice outfit together, lazy to dress nice to 'only' go out for a short while or a quick errand, lazy to wash my hair today if I think it is still passable (but not great). Then another "distraction" is a resistance to spend good money on a good piece ... I guess I tend to be too thrifty. I am trying to improve on these faults of mine!

Lantana

Veteran

@ Jayne, what you say makes perfect sense. Not repeating outfits would be a tough norm for me to work with. Not repeating items would be impossible.
@ Aleta, YLF is fashion counselling at its best.
@ Mo, your home alone outfits aren't wasted - there's always that woman in the mirror!
@ Suz, I hear what you are saying and I feel this limitation myself. I adore and covet Caro's style but it is just not "me". I am so preternaturally prim I even look neat in a hospital gown. However I think the association of bohemian style with artists is a cliche that can be abandoned, especially by someone like you Suz, who has nailed her personal style so completely and utterly.
@ AnnieMouse, "relaxed and casual, tossed together yet cohesive" -it sounds like you have articulated a clear style goal there, that is brilliant!
@Janet and Viva,I actually believe in the one magical item. I know it can be the cataylst that brings everything else to life.
And Viva, please don't feel terrible, unless it's that initial discomfort that goes hand in hand with learning.
@ Peri, I hope this question is not too blunt but who is that person who knows better?
@ Clare, oh my goodness, the RATE bloke syndrome. Sigh. Do you feel like Hepburn up against Bogart in The African Queen? That's me, for certain.
@VernieJane, thank you, it sounds like you'll use your list to inform your style journey, which is how I'm treating this exercise.
It's not about beating myself up for failings but about recognising self limiting behaviours and making changes.
Thanks all of you, you are an amazing bunch of women. Penny

Lantana

Veteran

@Laura, how wise of you to accept the tension of conflicting urges. There are no externally imposed rules on how women or men dress in my country and it seems wrong and sad that these oblique rules operate to hobble human creativity.
Niefern, I put laziness on my list then took it off to replace it with specific things I did or did not do. I'm not convinced it's laziness. I think it's about putting oneself at the bottom of the "to do" list.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Fascinating thread & I've read & enjoyed all the wise & honest responses. I have felt most of these limitations at some point in my life.

Janet's comment:

A misguided sense of obligation to give the lesser-loved items in my wardrobe a turn. So sometimes I think my large wardrobe is a distraction in itself. Now, I wouldn't say it's a distraction that drives me to despair, because my biggest problem in getting dressed is often trying to narrow down which fab jacket/top/shoes/dress I want to wear -- not a bad problem to have. But it does mean that I need to keep bringing an editing eye to my closet every time I open it.

really resonated with me. Like Janet & others my biggest problem was getting round to styling & then wearing my best/favourite/most flattering pieces.

When I was younger I enjoyed this process & had a lot of fun with my clothes. At some point though this process was no longer fun. It took too much of my energy. I craved simple, easy yet still stylish. I was simplifying other area of my life & wanted to simplify my clothing too. Still bopping along on this journey.

krishnidoux

Veteran

This has turned out to be such a great read! Lots of very good insights.

@ Suz: Your comment totally cracks me up! I have often felt the same as you. An "artist" should look like the part, right? And then dressing "well" seems like treason. .But is it, really? Why should it be and where in the world is it written that writers should wear boho chic or avant-garde only?

@VernieJane: I also hear you. I am not tall, but on the thin side in a place where most are curvy. And while I envy them, it seems they envy me! I have suffered the effects of dressing in a way that was perceived too sexy or too vavoom in the past. So now I also will purposely choose something less flamboyant, or less flattering, just because I don't want others to react to it. Why do we feel we have to be apologetic?

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Yes! I need to reread when I am more awake. I just did a purge of second best items that stop me from wearing my favorites. I realized I was getting decision fatigue just looking at all my bags. (Luckily this does not seem to happen with shoes!)

Vicki

(website)

Veteran

What a well-thought-out list, Lantana, that really looks squarely at the way we live. I can really identify with your fourth one about "dressing well for an hour or two in the day" and your second one on "waiting for an elusive 'occasion' to wear fab outfits."

In fact, I realized the latter happened to me on Sunday when we went to an annual Christmas Walk in Corona del Mar and instead of wearing my new black Diane von Furstenberg pants, I opted for another pair that I later noticed were quite faded out and I was embarrassed by them. Fortunately, the eyes were on the sweater I had, but still I realized it was time to get rid of them and not keep so many black pants, especially the ones no longer suitable for the light of day.

In fact, I agree with Janet that my larger wardrobe is a big distraction and I have been reeling ever since Claire shared her new minimalist approach with me. It was an eye-opener. As she said, I want to be able to pare down, so I'm always wearing my favorites, whether it's casual, smart casual or out on the town and dressed for something.

Deborah

Veteran

Lantana, this is so insightful. Your list of distractions could be mine! Haven't time to read through all the comments yet but am going to give this considerable thought. Thank you.

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