How do you do it? - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Off Topic

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

How do you do it?

Ledonna N.

Veteran

Make friends IRL. I am an introvert and while I have a thriving Internet life my interaction with people IRL other women often perplexes me. I know this may sound petty but it is hard for me to form friendships in real life.

I grew up,a military brat and we moved a lot. So forming friendships were hard and so I retreated into books and Sci-fi. It was in h.s. That we settled into Chicago. I was that awkward black girl. I joined the swim team and my older sister was pouplar so I hung onto her friends.

When I graduated from H.S. I went into the Army some of the best times of my life. I have friends but they were all men from 17 until 29 I still keep intouch with them. In my 30's I was Susie homemaker IT professional and my partner was my world. As some relationships do we split after 10 years.

Now at 41 I think I'm destined to have no close or meaningful friendship and not for lack of trying. I have an active social,calender, filled with dancing church activities and different social justice events. My work is very solitary. I am a computer programmer again a male dominated field. I would love to have that girl time where we have a ladies day out. You know shopping, brunch mimosas ah mimosas. Ok realisticly it would be comic-con, watch a marthon of the walking dead, and Lord of the Rings but there would be mimosas.

Anywho thaks for reading my vent.

Off Topic

39 replies

Latest reply was from MsMary

rabbit

Veteran

Man I'd totally go to comic-con or watch a Lotr marathon with you if I lived in your city. Plus the mimosas. You're speaking my language

This is something I struggle with as well as I work independently and from home. I have older friends made at past jobs or religious gatherings but I rarely see them (partly because they now all have toddlers I think).

One left field approach to this is to seek out online fandoms of your favorite shows/movies. There are meet-ups for comic-con, and sometimes people of similar interests and affinity groups get to know each other through twitter (I'm thinking of

@BlackGirlNerds just off the top of my head).

I don't have any easy answers either but feel you as I'm in the same boat.

Ledonna N.

Veteran

Thank you, if I,could check all those boxes I would. I try not to,get down about it but sometimes like getting ready to turn 41 brings things like this into focus. I will try linking up with your suggestions and hopefully women and or humans like us will be able to run into,each other some day.

kkards

Veteran

ladywone, i, like you, also struggle with finding friends to do the brunchy kind of activitys with. i've never been one to have a huge group of friends, but in the past few years its gotten harder as friends have moved away to replace them. I'm 52, never married, and have no kids, and it seems most of the people i meet are deep into the whole family thing, so what they're looking do on a Sat/Sun and what i'm wanting to do are way different. i don't have any answers for you, but just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

Is there Meet Up in your area?
I joined a stupidly expensive singles activity club here. Didn't get a boyfriend but did expand my circle of friends.

ETA I find a huge gap between people who have kids and those who don't. Also marrieds versus singles.

rachylou

Veteran

Well, you know, don't forget... past 25 you should be shouldering society's burdens and without a lot of time for friends... or you're suffering from arrested development. Hehe. But you know, I'm jus' sayin'... I don't know that it can be said you have a problem forming friendships.

My neighbor and I were talking about this yesterday doing the dog walk: It is the human condition to be alone, existentially, except for a brief delusory period when one is a young adult.

On the other hand, with introverted work, you may need something to wake you up into a more open and extroverted state. My dog does that for me and she also provides a lot of introductions. 'Course all my travel these days is about car camping...

I think you should just start a ladies meetup - Firefly Fashion and Mimosas. See if anyone bites.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Making friends does seem to get harder as we grow older - especially when you move around a lot. We have lived in many countries, and the hardest part is making new friends (and staying in touch with old ones).

In my experience, it's true that middle aged people - like us in our 40s - are generally (and understandably) wrapped up in children's activities, or with other people who have kids, in their spare time. It's not often that they regularly socialize with people who don't have kids, or are single. Of course, this makes sense. It does get better when the kids are older and parents have more time to socialize with ALL.

I echo, Anna. Join an activities club. Make the first move by inviting people to go out with you. I echo Rachy too. I found I had to do a lot of that when we moved to a new country.

crutcher

Veteran

You have a warm and friendly writing voice...If we lived in the same area, I would enjoy getting to know you and learning about all of the interesting life experiences that you have had...
Just don't be so hard on you...Being bookish is not a bad thing, you grow and learn about many different lives if you love to read...Being a computer nerd is also a pretty neat thing...This from someone who is just so not literate in tech...
Consider...just consider...getting a dog...This would take you out walking, out to the dog park...You would be stopped and doggies introduced while the adults chatted...If all else fails, you would have a sincere and great companion to enjoy...
I am glad you are here and I look forward to reading your warm and friendly posts...smile...Don't be hard on my online friend...

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Oh yes. Join a YLF gathering. Where are you?

Anonymous

ladywone - I hear you. I am a quite introverted too, and spend a lot of time (by choice though) alone. I work from a home office too, and there can be days when I don't see anyone other than my family. And even then, I have to confess I sometimes prefer days when I have the house all to myself. I used to have a much larger circle of friends, but I realized that they were really just peripheral friends anyways, and as I got older , things have changed. I can count on one hand the number of really close friends I have. I also look a bit wistfully on at other friends i have who do the girls' brunches, trips away together, dinners out etc - and often wish I was part of a group like that. I'm not sure it's just about the ability to make friends or not- for me it has more to do with the work and energy it takes to keep the friendship alive. I tend to withdraw into a book, or into activities and things I do by myself. I have no answer either, just wanted to let you know there are many others like you, and I, out there.

Sara L.

Veteran

I'm much better at keeping/maintaining a few close friendships rather than a large group of friends. I tend to be introverted and many of my current friends I've met through my kids (parents of their friends, on the same soccer team, etc.). I just wanted to say that just because someone has kids, don't count them out. They might not be as spontaneous as a single friend, but many women with children enjoy being away from their family and indulging in some non-kid/family activities. However, they probably need more advance notice of activities in order to line up babysitting or clear their calendar.

Anonymous

I feel your pain LW. I do have a very small group (4) friends, but you know, I feel as though I have little in common with them and only see them about every 5/6 weeks, if that. I have more in common with the ladies on here. I work at home on my own and whilst I see clients, I often spend days barely speaking to anyone. I almost started a thread myself similar to this one. I need to sit down and consider the best ways to go about widening my social circle too, so I'm going to keep popping back to this thread. I can vouch for YLF meet ups though. I did one last year in Seattle(I flew all the way from UK!) It was amazing to meet so many fab ladies from YLF.

I'm afraid I'm not exactly sure how to answer your question but just wanted to give you moral support.

BTW I love The Walking Dead!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Sara, you are right. I have a few close friends with kids, and it merely requires timeous upfront planning so that sitters can be arranged and calendars can be cleared. Our time together is not nearly as frequent, but it's just as meaningful.

Lisa, you did not strike me as an introvert. I enjoyed reading your thoughts, and might have to call you Princess Book Worm.

Diane, I didn't think you were an introvert either. Do you find yourself wrapped up in your son's social activities? LOVED our time together in Seattle. SOOOO FUN.

Anonymous

Angie, my son is that bit older now and does his own thing. He doesn't attend many extra curricular stuff, but does do slot car racing with his dad, so his activities don't provide any social outlet for me at all. I'm not overly introvert, but I do need down time after social activities and gatherings so that I can mentally re-group. I just need to find more like minded ladies like I met in Seattle, yourself included. Yes it was fun!

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Aha. So DS socializes with Dad. Makes sense, Diane. Have you tried pulling together a sewing group?

Ladyone, I just thought of another idea. How about Book Club?

Daria

Ladywone, I'm kind of in the same boat. Introvert in male dominated field (software industry like you). I also moved around a lot, so those friends that I did make in my 20-s are now far away, and even though we still maintain relationships (via FB etc) we really don't get to see each other often.
I have two small children, and I occasionally do participate in events organized by their preschool - but then it's all around children, and all the conversations are about children. Which on one hand is a great way to find common ground, but on the other hand is always superficial.
For you book club might be a good idea. Or a foreign language class in the evening or weekend.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

It's really tough to make and keep real life friends in adulthood. I think that's why so many of us gravitate to this group. As you've already seen, you're not alone. Many, many of us on this forum are introverts. Count me into that club. I do have close friends, but distance and work/family pressures combine to make it awfully hard to get together with them sometimes. And even when I do, I need to recover afterwards.

I highly recommend a YLF meetup!! If you're anywhere near a place where other Fabbers live, join them one day for some shopping and laughs.

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

I'm an extrovert more than an introvert. My family moved around when I was a kid, and I used to go knock on the neighbors' doors and introduce myself and ask, "do you have any kids my age?" Must have embarrassed my mother to no end. But I do empathize with the difficulty of making friends as an adult, especially if it's not your nature to go out on a limb with people. I find it easiest to make friends by joining clubs and activities. I made friends here in Seattle when we moved in 8 years ago by joining a master's swim team and the American Sewing Guild chapter. I have friends from both groups that I get together with outside the group's activities. Maybe that strategy will work for you. Post-Army days, I really don't find I make friends at work. I am always friendly with people at work, but I don't usually see them outside of work. It sounds like that's going to be the case for you, because it sounds like your mostly male co-workers aren't going to oblige you with "girl-time"--ha ha!

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

Oh, and I think Beth Ann is in your area, isn't she?
Yoo hoo, Beth Ann. . ..!

Deborah

Veteran

I think many of us relate on some level. I have become more of an introvert as I get older. I relocated 4 years ago and only recently connected with a wonderful lady who is 10+ years my senior and I have been so blessed by her friendship. I have a handful of close girlfriends. Some like the one I mention are new, the others I have know for many years. Connecting with people is a funny thing. As many of you know I am a mum but I have never connected well through mothers groups, sports or any of those 'kid' based activities. Some have mentioned a divide between women with kids and those who don't and between marrieds and singles, but I have found a divide between mums that work and mums that don't!? The only suggestion I have is trust God, and don't be afraid to step out and make the first move in offering your friendship to someone you think you relate well to.

Ledonna N.

Veteran

WOW, feeling very overwhelmed right now. So many kindred souls and great advise. Thank you all for sharing your thought and feelings on this subject.

Dian G -" I'm not overly introvert, but I do need down time after social activities and gatherings so that I can mentally re-group. I just need to find more like minded ladies like I met in Seattle, yourself included. "

This is how i feel after an event it can be draining is the best I can describe it. When I go dancing I would have to sit in my car and give myself a pep talk just to go in. Which I do for most events that I show up for. Most people are very friendly but beyond surface conversation not much talking happens.

An animal may be the way to go also like Anna said the singles club sounds good. Actually all the susgestions sound great.
I went to a Women for Justice event last night in Chicago and it was really empowering.

Just as I wrote this and was thinking how lonely I am this even came along and I was not going to go but I did. I made some great connections so we will see how it goes they meet once a month I will let you all know how it goes.
A YLF meet up is just the thing I need and I know that there is one in May, I can't make that one but the next one sign me up.

The swim club suggestion is a good idea I love to swim.
Thank you all again I am so glad for YLF once a gain. This feels like such a safe space.

Summer

Veteran

Another introvert checking in! Actually Suz's reply really resonated with me, as most of my closest friends are now, ironically, living at some distance from me, and we don't get together as much as we'd like.

I agree with Crutcher that you come across as a very friendly person, and you are already doing all the right things by joining various groups and activities. I also agree that YLF meet-ups are calling your name loud and clear.

Rachylou is right that owning a dog guarantees lots of friendly contact. I have met so many lovely people when walking my dog, sometimes just a quick chat, but those often lead to real friendships over time. I promise you that you can never feel alone when you have a pet, they are wonderful company, and they never argue with you!

Good luck with expanding your social life, and remember that you always have your YLF friends here.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Isn't it strange how sometimes when we find the words to finally express what we have been feeling, something comes along to help us with the situation that is bothering us? So glad you enjoyed the gathering last night and felt empowered. I do think, as Firecracker said, that often in adulthood our deepest friends come more from shared commitments and activities than from our jobs, per se. As an artist who also has various paid jobs, my deepest friendships tend to be with my artist-pals. Not inevitably. (It's good to connect with people outside our "inside groups" sometimes -- and also interesting! -- and many of my oldest friends work as teachers, doctors, farmers, occupational therapists, etc.) But, while I might have warm connections to people who don't share my passion for writing and literature, it's harder to connect to those who don't at least read a great deal or those who have no involvement in the arts.

The friends I made as a new mum tended to be short term -- they were friendly acquaintances, who were around while our kids were in the same classes or activities but who fell off the radar as the kids moved on and grew apart. That's been true of all but a couple of mum friends. And one of those was already a friend (from before we became mums). So while I think it often looks as if mums are busy with mum-friends, (and it might be true while the kids are a specific age), eventually those mums will be looking for women who share their passions.

Anonymous

Suz, you are so right about the mums and kids thing. I met my small group of friends via mums and toddlers group and whilst I've known them about 10 years I feel like I'm moving on a little. There is only one of the group who is a bit arty, so I do connect a bit more with her, but non of them are into fashion or sewing at all and I need like minded people to connect with. As you say "eventually those mums will be looking for women who share their passions"...absolutely!

rachylou

Veteran

need down time after social activities and gatherings so that I can mentally re-group

One of my best reads (wish I could remember the title), was this story about a woman who measures all her social interactions in recovery time... e.g., a hello to the post man - 5 minutes, extended chat with neighbor - 1 hour, etc. Lol. That still makes me laugh. So true.

I'm a borderline introvert/extrovert. I can go one way or the other, but not on a daily basis. I have to live one way or the other. You are one up on me: You have a full dance card. I have to work up some energy to get past the inertia just to go out to hear some flamenco or something... and then after about two hours I'm ready to come home...

Also, I had a thought: meaningful acquaintances and friendships are built up over time. Layers of experiences with one another. One of my strategies, moving new places, is to find places (and activities) I like and become a regular... even down to ordering the same thing every time. I.e., to become known. Every now and then, someone shakes out as a person I can I discuss things at length with and have interesting conversations. As an introvert, this strategy also gives me my acclimation time. When I go in to one of these regular places, I'm pre-prepared to be open and chat. I don't do the cold plunge, not since I stopped doing fundraising and PR work. I just have to remember not to take classes where I'm so interested in the subject, I sit in the front row, stare at the teacher, and shush the people sitting next to me, hehe.

And I had another thought: Sometimes I have to make room in my life for someone to come in. Literally. Like moving my stuff off all the places to sit. And lots of times, I have to remind myself that you have to be vulnerable. I don't mean taking on the risk of being emotionally vulnerable. I mean, people bring their problems along with them and you have to sorta be interested in those problems... hey! don't laugh at me. I'm really afraid of ennui.

But I'm just going on about me now... Looks like you asked and the universe answered

Anonymous

My youngest DD is an introvert. She's getting a little better, but she's very quiet and timid around people she doesn't know. I try to help her, but at the same time I tell her it's okay to be quiet--just not withdrawn.

My DH & I have made several moves during our 27-year marriage, so I've learned to be more social. I like making small talk with people, but I'm not a social butterfly. I love being home.

Ledonna N.

Veteran

I am so so glad tat I put this thread out in the YLF universe. I am reading everything forgive me if I don't respond to everyone. I had an 7hr church workshop/class/praise and worshiping event. And I realized I am a one on one type of person. Small group interpersonal skills are developing my batteries are recharged. I was even nominated for and was elected go a church and Ministry board. Doors are opening.

Rachylou I'm gonna shake that tree and see if any nuts fall out.

Thank you all I'm just loving this again.

Anonymous

This really is a good thread, isn't it? And I love rachy's comment about making room for others, literally and figuratively. That's important to remember for those of us less inclined to be open. I'm ok in most situations,but can shut right off and have to leave a party or gathering at a moment's notice. I fear that unless people know me quite well that I can come across as standoffish and disinterested (which isn't entirely wrong - haha) and I have to force myself to go out when invited in order to keep the friends I do have. I totally prefer a one-on-one to a group - I am completely useless in a group of women at dinner or drinks and would really like to figure out how to handle those situations better. I've quite enjoyed reading all of these comments!

annabelle

Veteran

Hi, all - this mostly will be a retread on other comments, but as a fellow introvert, I get exhausted after an hour of a social gathering of more than six people. (also a fellow geek) I really favor the book club, or the BlackGirlNerds, because I think those groups will be smaller than a YLF meetup will be. Some of my friends are in a wine club, now that sounds fun! This is a wild idea, but can you ask your hairdresser what she knows about hangouts and groups? Okay, that sounded random, but my hairdresser - 20 years younger than I - knows everything about all her clients. I am sure she would have ideas for everyone, even me. (If you want her name, PM me, haha)

Good luck and maybe if we both do a YLF meetup, we can introvert together.

Ledonna N.

Veteran

Lisap -your story is my story but I'm getting better or more comfortable with myself in social situations. I used to sit in the car and do a pep talk to encourage myself to even go in.

Annabelle - my hairdresser is a barber and I don't want to go where he goes lol, I'm laughing because he is all MALE.

This post has 4 photos. Photos uploaded by this member are only visible to other logged in members.

If you aren't a member, but would like to participate, please consider signing up. It only takes a minute and we'd love to have you.

12