Decisions of the heart vs. friendly advice or consensus opinion - YouLookFab Forum

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Decisions of the heart vs. friendly advice or consensus opinion

Staysfit

Veteran

i recently read Mari Kondo's book in which she encourages purging items by how they make you feel. If they don't inspire joy when you touch them, if you don't love them, if they don't make you happy, get rid of them. Her philosophy made a lot of sense given my original closet goal of wanting to look good, feel good and be happy with what I wear.

When I am uncertain about something, like I was today, my Cole Hahn leather jacket, Mari Kondo would say it should be purged. It's interesting that when I made the original decision to purchase the jacket, I actually chose between two. I let a friends complementary opinion sway me towards the Cole Hahn and away from the other jacket, which in this case was a dark red moto jacket. I'm certain there is nothing wrong with the jacket, yet it feels wrong and relying on my friends advice for the decision may be the reason. It just isn't a jacket that makes my heart sing.

I appreciate advice and opinion. I like to hear various points of view, and I learn a lot by asking for people to give feedback. Much of my life is analytical and reliant on science and evidence based practice. I make much use of weighing pro's and con's and figuring out what makes sense, etc. However, when it's decision time, I have learned the importance of following my heart.

To be honest, there is a growing science around intuitive responses and gut reactions and how well our brains work to sift through information and formulate these responses. They are not random. So, I now trust my gut and follow my heart. How about you?

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41 replies

Latest reply was from jackiec

dashielle (Ann)

(website)

Veteran

Agree wholeheartedly! I read the book, and while some of it seemed a little extreme, I've found that life is too short to keep people and things in your life that don't resonate at the same frequency. I told my Dad about this concept over the holidays (the folks were joking that they'd leave everything for us to go through when they died) and his answer was 'everything sparks joy'! That's ma' dad!

dashielle (Ann)

(website)

Veteran

Oh and forgot to add...I have bought many, many items that the SA said looked stunning on, that I later regretted. I'm going with my heart and considering the consensus, but weighting it less nowadays.

shipskitty

Veteran

I think there is more value to 'gut' reactions than we sometimes give ourselves credit for and don't always have time to analyse the emotions sparked (or not sparked) by things, people, and experiences. It is great if you can do this but there is a lot of subconscious processing that goes on. I think our default reaction is to override it sometimes because we can't articulate 'in the moment' what it is that means we aren't 'feeling it'. Especially if someone we care about can articulate a logical argument in the opposite direction.

It is like that Betty Halbreich quote "...you should love yourself in something immediately; nothing gets better the more times you look in a mirror."

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Oh! If your heart is telling you that leather jacket in the other thread is not for you, by all means let it go!

I always go with my gut -- if I have a strong gut reaction.

Take my new (ish) mixed media coat from Danier. I sent in photos of it from the store. Most people here liked it on me a lot, but some felt it overwhelmed me with its larger collar. What I felt was fantastic in it. I let the fantastic feeling win and brought it home with me.

But sometimes I don't have strong gut feelings. Or sometimes my gut is churning in confusion. That's when it is really valuable to reach out here.

In all seriousness, most of my style decisions are truly based on what feels right to me. But sometimes when we are trying to evolve our style or when we are struggling with body image issues (and this happens to us all), it can be really helpful to get another set of opinions and try to see things through another set of eyes.

And sometimes the eyes just don't have it! For example, two years ago at NAS, Sveta and I both tried on a really fun, Angie pick bomber jacket, faux leather quilted sleeves and a sort of soft sweatshirt material body to it, in a soft grey/ white. It looked amazing on both of us. Truly! I loved it. (Karie has this jacket and it looks great on her. I know there are others, too.)

But, much as we liked the style, that jacket just didn't feel good to Sveta or me. In that case, the "feeling" was literal. We didn't like the texture of the faux leather and could not reconcile ourselves to it.

Sometimes the feeling is about the style itself. Something inchoate, perhaps, but something important, nonetheless. Maybe that leather jacket is too simple for you, too streamlined?

Your friend was probably reacting to the fantastic fit, the obvious quality, and the way it seems like an easy "mixer" in a wardrobe like yours. But your friend is not the one wearing it.

Staysfit

Veteran

Suz, your comments are right on target here. I think I posted the leather jacket mostly because I have more of that churning unsure feeling as opposed to a very strong negative feeling. I think it's more of a feeling of, I don't love this jacket, but I don't hate it either. It's ok. If I rated it on a scale of 1-10, I might give it a 7 or even an 8.

Shipskitty, you are very insightful; it's so true that we are prone to cast aside our gut reactions and make choices in some other way. learning to trust our gut is key, and it's a process that takes some time and mindfulness.

Dashielle, it sounds like we have the same parents! My dad said the exact same thing to me.

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

If I only bought what brought me joy, I'd have a very unbalanced wardrobe. Some garments are flashy and some are sleepers that only show their true worth over time, you know? I enjoyed Betty Helbreich's book very much but I disagree with the quote shipskitty cites. I've had plenty of things grow on me once I tried them a few times.

Maybe we've identified a split in personality tendencies here, because I flipped through Marie Kondo's book at the bookstore after it was first mentioned here on YLF, and what I read didnt resonate with me at all, or provide any new approaches. But then, I'm always going to side eye anyone who tells me that I only need a small collection of books.

shipskitty

Veteran

Laura - I have experienced that too - the item that grows on you. Those items though have tended to be things that 'stretched' me a bit. Moved me out of my comfort zone or emphasized parts of me that I had some sort of hang-up over as Suz mentions above - we all have those body image issues which make it harder for us to evaluate some items. So yes Betty H's quote is a rule of thumb but doesn't apply to all situations.

I do find it useful to remind myself of her quote though because my issue too often is settling for something that is ok but not fab just because I've been looking for a HEWI for a while. Then I regret that forever more (or at least until I purge or replace the item) because every time I go to wear it I feel a bit less than enthusiastic. (It's a weird combination of buyer's remorse and self-flagellation LOL that I feel I should hang on to it keep wearing it a bit more.)

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I trust my gut and follow my heart, too! I'm getting better at it, in fact.

I read Marie Kondo's book too, and found some of it helpful, but wished some aspects of editing one's belongings had been addressed more thoroughly. There's some good stuff in there, but it gets a little repetitive and some of it I just couldn't relate to. On the other hand, I could use some serious chapters on how to let go of items left from loved ones who have passed away. I'm working on that, and it's not easy for a sentimental person like myself.

A bit of an aside, but it's related, since we mentioned the Kondo book: I've been doing some deep editing in my house and my studio. Cleaning, evaluating, sorting, organizing, and purging. I've taken two carloads of things to be donated, and there's going to be more to come. As silly as it might sound to some of you, I have been saying a little word of thanks to all the things I'm letting go of as I pack them away for donation, as Kondo suggests. In a strange way, it makes it easier -- express appreciation for whatever role the item played in your life (or someone else's), and release it.

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

Good point, Sk, and i don't think I've ever come around to something I disliked vehemently at first. But I've definitely come around to things I wasn't sure about.

Regarding other people's opinions: I've gone shopping with a friend of mine several times; she's not much of a shopper and asked for my help. I have picked out things for her that once they're on we looked at each other and said nope, not you. It's a learned skill, I think, to put yourself in someone else's shoes, not just with size and body shape, but with coloring and aesthetic preferences. And sometimes it is something really small and irrational that makes the difference one way or the other.

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

I am going to dissent but only a bit. I have a close friend who absolutely loves acid greens. She has olive skin though (siberian ancestry) and the warm green gives her skin a yellow cast that looks unhealthy. Even SAs have confirmed that the color does her no favors. When she puts on deep fuchsia or a blue red, her skin comes alive.

Sometimes we love a color or shape and don't realize that it isn't our friend.

When it comes to the advice of a SA, if they are receiving commissions, there may be a tendency to not be forthcoming and to support the shopper's own opinion.

Adelfa

Veteran

I use both my gut and my brain and find that neither one is always right.

For instance, last Fall (2013) I bought a graphic cashmere sweater that made me insanely happy. This year I have only worn it once, partly because the Winter has been warmer than last year, but partly because I don't like it anymore. When I did wear it that one time, I got tons of compliments.

My brain told me that the cashmere fabric was too thick and warm for my climate, and that the graphic pattern was too bold and memorable for the sweater to be a basic. I went with my gut and now have an expensive orphan.

I totally believe in following my gut, especially when it's yelling at me. But it doesn't always result in good decisions.

Diana

Veteran

I tend to go with my gut. I have a strong sense of my own likes and dislikes, and just because someone tells me something looks good or is flattering on me I'm not going to suddenly start liking it.

Where I find feedback from others helpful is the situation where I like and buy something, and then you guys tell me that the fit is off or it otherwise doesn't look good. So I can be convinced that something I was attracted to is not right for me, but the opposite (not attracted to something, but it looks good) won't make me like it.

I guess you could sum that up as: Heart first, then head.

Staysfit

Veteran

Laura, I'm trying to think if I have any items in my wardrobe that don't bring me joy. I even like my socks! I'm as happy with the simple items as the statement items. I'm all about the texture, the way the fabric feels, the fit and the function, etc. I do see some imbalance in my wardrobe in that I have more pullover sweaters than button down shirts or toppers. I think that is more a fit issue than anything else.

Dianthus, you are correct. just because something feels good and makes you happy doesn't mean it looks good. The reverse is also true with my leather jacket. It looks great but doesn't make me happy or feel good. Which is more important though, Looking good or feeling good?

Adelfa, I think your example is interesting. Do you think we are always consciously aware of our gut response? Are you certain which response was the gut reaction vs. your brain reaction? Could they be reversed?

Janet, I haven't tried thanking my belongings, but I greet my house when I walk in the door every day. So far it hasn't answered back

Runcarla

Veteran

A year and a bit ago during a wardrobe replenishing trip to 'the big city', I bought a purple leather jacket with a heavy lining. It fit beautifully, and DH endorsed the purchase. It wasn't on the list, though. I experienced a bit of buyers remorse shortly after picking up the jacket. With my community's short spring and fall seasons it didn't get much wear that first year. Too heavy to wear as an under coat garment, and too warm as a topper during good weather (like my cognac leather jacket.)

Then we ended up with an unexpected relocation, to a climate with an extended fall and mild winter. The jacket is my weekend go-to and earning its keep in my wardrobe.

I agree with Rhubarbgirl about an unbalanced wardrobe. A basic pencil skirt in black or navy can be a 10/10 without making your 'heart sing', but I also understand how a fabulous signiture piece can set you up for great things.

Pics below - eggplant leather jacket, and cognac jacket as an under coat layer.

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Marilyn

Veteran

Yes, you must follow your heart. If it doesn't make YOU happy then it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. You will never feel good in it.
I added a couple more items to my own purge box today. They just don't make me feel fab when I look in the mirror.
I'm sure there is someone out there who will be happy to find your jacket if you decide to pass it along.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

I am definitely a gut chooser and a gut dresser, but where I find criticism particularly helpful is when it articulates something I strongly agree or disagree with. Sometimes even gut reactions need a little clarification.

jenanded

Veteran

I will give you "the" answer on heart or head decisions when my PhD student finishes his study on aesthetic knowledge and decision making! The data is showing that people use the feel for billion dollar 'technical' decisions as well as the important jacket! Does that satisfy your scientific mind?

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

Staysfit, maybe it's a matter of degree? I wouldn't say my socks bring me joy, exactly, but having nice, functional socks certainly is pleasant, and a necessity which makes my life easier or less irritating. I guess satisfaction is a more muted form of joy...

Adelfa articulates it well; too much gut or too much head, either one, doesn't work for me. My best decisions have included both.

Firecracker (Sharan)

Veteran

How can one distinguish intuition from some other emotional impulse? I liked Angie's post the other day for testing whether to keep a new wardrobe item. It seems to put the gut decision to a reasonably rational test.

Joy

Veteran

I need to learn to trust my gut feeling more although I have several favorite pieces that I would not have bought if not for the opinion of a shopping friend. Other times I come home with something that a friend insisted I buy and then wonder why I caved. I really dislike pushy SAs, especially when I know it doesn't look very good on me. Angie's shopping tips on quality and fit and style identification have been a big help in resisting questionable items.

Adelfa

Veteran

Staysfit, in this case I'm quite sure that my heart was yelling go! go! go! I think your point is valid in many cases though, that it's hard to figure out which is which sometimes!

Gigi

Veteran

It is interesting that you should post this today, Staysfit, because I was just pondering this this morning. I was putting on a black skinny belt that I wouldn't probably purchase now, because I would consider it too boring (black belt with black buckle, and I like high contrast). However, the very fact that it is nothing special makes it perfect for wearing with almost anything, because it does the job without being conspicuous. Having said that, though, I looked back over my wardrobe of purchases, and there aren't too many other "boring" items other than plain t-shirts, plain jeans, and the like, which everyone has. But I do have lots of items that made me happy in my heart when I purchased them, and almost all of them still make me happy today. So I agree a lot with trusting your gut instincts, although as others point out, we do have to engage the more analytical part of our mind when assessing whether we will actually have occasion to wear the garment in the real world or whether certain features of the garment (sheer fabric, etc.) will cause insurmountable obstacles in actually wearing it.

But I am open to trying something new if someone I trust tells me that it looks really good on me and I don't hate it. If it's just different, I may well give it a try. Sometimes it takes a while for things to grow on me.

Staysfit

Veteran

jenanded, I'm curious about your PhD students results. The study sounds interesting. I love this sort of thing. Very interesting.

Runcarla, can't you have a basic black pencil skirt that you love and makes your heart sing? There are so many versions of them. Perhaps your skirt has a particularly flattering fit, cut, or the material is one you prefer?

I happened to use the example that I love my socks because as a marathon runner you quickly learn to appreciate the importance of socks. Socks prevent blisters. Socks keep your feet warm if it is raining or snowing. Socks provide some extra cushioning. Everyone has their favorites, and there are lots to choose from. I have my favorite brand, thickness, and style for running, and I have several that I prefer for every day wear. Socks are functional and basic. However, I don't buy a package of white cotton tube socks like my DH or DS and call it a day. I purchase particular brands that appeal to my aesthetic and practical needs and in the end, they make me happy. They definitely make my heart sing even if it isn't exactly in the same way as something more beautiful.

rachylou

Veteran

I go with deep rooted feelings because they're almost impossible for me to ocercone. Lesser things though, I'll go with the crowd opinion, because I can just be weird and uncaring.

Jeanie

Veteran

I keep things very simple in my smallish house and I do feel a sense of freedom in not having too many things. The only things that I tend to collect are clothes, children's books & yarn. Since the rest of the house is simple, I allow myself a bit more leeway to have a few more clothes, books & yarn. I only have a small closet for the current season so it isn't overwhelming. I know that keeping anything with fibers is a part of my natural nesting instinct. Those instincts are just as important as making decisions with my heart. If I can't decide on whether to keep an item, I put it in a holding area. I trust that when the time is right, I will let it go. Sometimes, I feel a need to immediately dig up one of my held items like a squirrel digging up stored nuts!

And Janet....I cry for you when you mention trying to part with your mom's things. That is so much harder than parting with your own things. I can only relate to it when my son moved out leaving boxes of things he didn't want anymore. I just had to wait until the mood was right and then quickly throw things in a bag for goodwill. The hardest things were his tee-shirts from Boy Scouts and soccer. I kept a couple and wear them every once in a while.

Summer

Veteran

I would follow your heart; intuition is rarely wrong. When in doubt, leave (or throw) it out.

Astrid

Veteran

I can't shop listening only to my gut feeling, heart or whatever. Simply because I don't 'fall in love' with an item trying it on, even if it's perfect. To me they're just clothes, in the end. Having to love everything before I buy it sounds kind of exhausting to me. For me the love grows when I'm using my items and they're just right and make me feel great. I love my well worn and broken in items with a history way more than anything I could put on in the dressing room. I guess I can see the potential when I try something on, but appreciation starts in everyday life.

Jjsloane

Veteran

That's one of the reasons I prefer to shop alone. Of course I make bad decisions, but then when I return them there is no friend guilt. I also post K/R because I value an outside opinion when I'm unsure, but will usually follow my heart even if the consensus is the opposite.

Staysfit

Veteran

I agree there is some cognition that goes into the intuitive process, we just aren't always consciously aware. I'm not certain of this but perhaps when we have ruminations after a decision, they are the various thoughts that our brain has already sifted through and taken into consideration that we weren't consciously aware of. For example the thoughts about whether an item is practical, or the material functional, or if it is something we would wear in a given setting, etc. I think intuition can account for that, but then there is the tendency to second guess and over think.

Of course every choice will not work out. However, we learn and then make better choices. I think intuition benefits from this process as well. How is it you just know something? It clearly comes from your previous experiences, your current feelings and ideas, and some other complex mixture of cognition and emotion mixed together.

Maybe intuition, which in my mind is that combination of cognition and emotion, rather that pure heart, which is just the pure emotion is really what we are talking about. It may also be what Mari Kondo means for us to use although she doesn't make use of that language or really define, or give good instruction on how to make the decisions of the heart she recommends. She only says that as you practice with items that have less sentimental value, you will grow better at detecting your feelings about them and be able to advance to those that have sentimental value such as the items left to you by your mother. Isn't she saying you are developing intuition? Learning about yourself? Gaining intuition about your heart!

FWIW, I cannot sort my books using only my heart. Cognition plays a huge role there. I think the amount of cognition used for a decision varies depending on the situation. Sentimental items will be more influenced by emotion,; professional books by cognition, etc.

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