Addressing a "bullying" text ETA Update, some resolution. - YouLookFab Forum

Category

Off Topic

Welcome! Read about what to wear and how to wear it on the YLF Blog. Join the YLF Forum to ask specific questions or just chat about fashion and personal style. Or check out the curated list of things we love in YLF Finds.

Outfits Ensembles Trends Advice

Addressing a "bullying" text ETA Update, some resolution.

Sal

Veteran

I have a situation that I think I need to address, but I am not sure of the best way forward.

I am a volunteer on a committee for a sport that my sons participate in. We are a small group, who work together, and are stretched. There is a woman on the committee whom I have known for a long time, about 8-9 years. She is a challenging person who I have not fallen out with, but many others have over the years (she has left a school and a church for example over personality differences). She has three lovely children, a husband with a disability, and is a hard working person who does a lot for others. She also has an anger issue.

Over the last year I have received about three inappropriate texts or emails where she has vented. It has been made personal towards me. I have ignored the matter as we have to work together and I know she does have good intentions. Yesterday I stepped on her toes over an issue she has been responsible for (uniforms). It was accidental but I accept responsibility that she had it under control and I gave an unsolicited opinion after congratulating her children for making a rep team. I received a bullying text back. I responded by saying "yes the decision was hers and sorry to cause offense in a rushed text sent in the evening". I turned my phone off. I awoke this morning to a further angry text with more attacks.

My DH thinks I should ignore it and almost treat her as a child who cannot help herself because addressing it will go badly. I agree that she will not take any criticism well and it will cause ructions at the club. I also feel I am being a victim by not addressing it, and that she is targeting me. I am not sure what her end game is, and she can also be very friendly and supportive at times. I think it is a problem about her (anger issues/stress/possibly mental health) rather than about me.

Does anyone have any advice about this situation?

Off Topic

42 replies

Latest reply was from

Deborah

Veteran

This is a really tricky situation Kiwigal. On one hand, people like this women rarely have the emotional intelligence to self assess and bring about change but on the other hand you should not have to tolerate her behaviour. Her behaviour places you in what I consider to be an 'unsafe' environment.

My only suggestion is that perhaps you could arrange to meet this woman for a coffee and have a chat. Approach it gently and with kindness (as I know you would) and share with her how her text messages make you feel. Keep the mood light and relaxed if you can, and encourage her that you want a positive relationship with her. Of course it can go one of two ways. But sometimes it is worth taking the risk. It could be that no-one else has every taken the time to sit and talk to her about this. Perhaps everyone else just 'reacts' and that's why she falls out with people?

The other solution I guess is to distance yourself from her, only communicating when you have to and block her from your phone. This would be my last resort but I really believe it is important that we care for ourselves. These situations can turn toxic and have a very unpleasant effect on us.

I will be praying for you in this situation. I am sorry there is not an 'easy' answer to this.

Marilyn

Veteran

I feel your pain on this one. I managed my son's hockey team one year. Talk about a thankless job! I worked my bum off and while I did get some praise I took a lot of abuse as well. Issues that should have been taken up with the executives of the hockey association were directed at me via angry emails....as if there was anything I could do about. I would even receive backlash if a parent didn't like the scheduling. Things were particularly bad with one of the dads.

Anyway, looking back I wish I had ignored some of it instead of getting into a war of words. Once it starts it tends to snowball. It caused me a lot of stress and I felt tense around some parents. I know it's hard to ignore some of it but in retrospect I think it's best. Give a very pleasant and non-confrontational response when needed and don't respond to any inflammatory emails. If the person says anything about your non-response in person just say you had nothing else to contribute to the conversation.

Elle

Veteran

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. She is clearly the person with the problem and it is ongoing. But having said that, I agree there isn't any easy solution.

I lean towards your DH's approach. You responded with what sounds like a very nice apology and that prompted more anger. So calling her out on her bullying might make you feel better but isn't likely to change her behavior and might make it worse. I would suggest blocking her texts and distancing yourself from her. If you really feel you need to speak to her in person about this issue, I would take someone (your spouse?) along with you as a witness.

Let us know what happens.

Anonymous

I agree with Marilyn here. I'm sure most of us with kids in sports have been experience this type of thing at one time or another. I just never find that confronting or addressing or chatting about it really ever solves anything, and often inflames the situation. When it's not in a professional or work environment, it's often not worth the work . I tell myself that it's never about you (and from the way you describe her, she's done this with others in the past) and has nothing to do with anything you have said or done. This is where taking the high road can pay off - if you can tolerate this until your times with the group is finished. Hope this helps put it into perspective somewhat....

Gaylene

Veteran

While I generally would agree with Deb's suggestion of a friendly chat, your comment that this woman's behaviour is more likely to stem from anger issues/stress/possible mental health as opposed to your behaviour makes me doubt that you'd solve much by instigating such a meeting.

My solution in similar situations has always been to err on the side of compassion. As Lisa points out, taking the high road--or acting as an adult when she is behaving like a child--puts you in control instead of being victimized. I'd keep my responses brief, pleasant, and factual because ignoring her might add fuel to the fire. You can't "fix" her, but you can choose to behave with restraint and compassion when things get ugly.

Sal

Veteran

Thanks all. You have all spoken wisely indeed, and I appreciate the advice very much. I will see her again on Thursday and/or Saturday. I am not going to do anything until this time. I suspect addressing it will not solve the problem, but I am not really prepared to receive abusive texts at 9.30pm at night either.

I almost wondering if she is pushing me, wanting a reaction.....we have someone at work that does this and does not mind conflict at all, in fact he quite enjoys it. I think she would quite like an argument with me...unfortunately for her I suspect it would end up with her being isolated.

Gaylene

Veteran

If it helps, you can always keep in mind that not playing her game will most likely make her look around for another victim. And any sane person would know that EVERYONE turns off their cellphones between 9pm and 9am.

Louise

Veteran

I love texting but it can so easily be mis interpreted especially when things get a little heated. There is no body language to give extra clues about the tone in which things are said. I certainly wouldn't respond to her latest text or it will most likely become a game of ping pong with texts batting backwards and forwards. You've apologised for stepping on her toes if she can't accept it that's her problem. Like others have said she perhaps enjoys the conflict and if you ignore her it'll take the wind from her sails. I'd also delete the message so you don't keep going back to it and upsetting yourself re reading it (I speak from experience here) perhaps take a screen shot of it in case you think you may need it as evidence, perhaps email to hubs for safe keeping x

Kim

Veteran

There's an old saying out there that says "You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to." If she asks if you got her text, simply say "Yes" and not another word. The next one to talk loses! LOL

Summer

Veteran

I think you have hit the nail on the head in suggesting that this person is trying to push you into a confrontation. Her track record points to the likelihood that she is one of those people who enjoys causing trouble and upset.

It sounds as if you have responded with great self-composure so far, but you should not have to tolerate personal abuse. I would be inclined to let her know, calmly but firmly, that her behaviour is inappropriate and unacceptable. This is easier said than done, I know, and I can only wish you good luck in your future dealings with this difficult person.

Jules

Veteran

I tend to agree that she wants the confrontation and that it is not worth your time/effort. The most I would do is possibly say "I don't appreciate your tone, please don't talk to me this way again" - ie, address the form rather than the content. In that way you let her know you've moved past the original issue and her reaction is inappropriate. If she still wants to fight, she's fighting with herself and that tends to take the wind out of the sails...

Mary Beth (formerly LBD)

(website)

Veteran

For whatever reason, there are people out there who seem to view nice, courteous, consider people, as being weak, or ready targets for their aggression.

My personal experience with people who behave in this way, is this: the more time and effort you take to address this issue, the more it simply validates their behavior. Attention = "I'm doing something right". My further experience with people like this is, you wind up wasting your time and energy on someone who will twist your words and then repeat those edited words to other people.

Kudos to you for taking the high road and ignoring the initial badgering. BUT, people who behave like this often need a hard push back, before they will back off and behave themselves. They won't respect you or your time, otherwise. There's a Cesar Milan sort of alpha-dog aspect to this. In your shoes, if I got one more text, I would text this back: "I find your tone very disrespectful. Please do not contact me again until you are able to discuss our work together, in a civil and polite manner. Regards".

I actually have said something similar in the past, to the same type of person. End results: I got some crocodile tears, a big dramatic, overblown apology - and the thing I wanted: being left out of someone else's personal drama, to do the work I needed to.

Sal

Veteran

Thanks all. I am still mulling over my approach, I am holding off until i see her and am a little cooler under the collar. I appreciate all the wise advice, which has varied suggestions, which is good, because there is not necessarily one way to deal with a problem.

My priorities are:
1) Being true to myself.
2) Keeping the club going - I have put a lot of effort into getting the club thriving again, and along with the others (including this person) we have done a great job. I know clubs can unravel and I am not going to let this happen.

She is targeting me because I am a patient person whom she sees as "privileged" with lots of support and friends. As a defensive person who has alienated people in the past she does not have the same support or resources that I do. I am not someone who likes a scene and I have probably given her too much leeway because of her situation. and my reluctance to cause a problem in something that is supposed to be so positive.

Kari

Veteran

I am a bit biased as I just came out of a really miserable workplace bullying situation a couple years ago that I received little help or support with. I also have a relative who acts this way, thankfully not a close one. I tried to adapt my behavior or figure out if I had caused a problem, but realized after observing the person with others that this was a long standing pattern that others let slide, and the person's behavior was never going to change until someone in authority put their foot down, which they weren't willing to do.
After that became clear, my strategy became about protecting myself from further attacks as much as possible, and not putting power into the hands of the bully.
Deal with the bully the way I would an unpredictable animal that I don't know. Carry on calmly with my own duties. Avoid unnecessary contact.
Don't talk about the person, even if it's something positive, unless I'm venting to someone totally removed from the circle (I.e. Vent to my significant other or my mom, not to a coworker.)
Don't emotionally react to positive or negative comments from the person-even if I think they want me to react happily. Just keep a calm facade. Don't provide fuel for the fire.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It's hard to be around individuals who react this way. I hope you can get some distance and support.

Kari

Veteran

Adding another thought. I also have chosen to distance myself from, and eventually end, a couple friendships with people who I realized thrive on being angry or irate about something, and getting other people to sympathize or react to their perceived injustice. I realized it was a pattern in how they react to things other than me (politics, the news) or life events (taking a victimized, why does the world hate me approach when anything bad happens.) I realized that certain people look hard for things to be angry or upset about, and for some reason that excites or empowers them. I simply find constant anger exhausting to experience or to be around. When I and other acquaintances started to be a target of that anger, I backed way off from contact and eventually let the friendship die a non-dramatic death (at least, if there was drama/negative comments made, I didn't have to hear about it!) I stopped reacting to sarcastic or angry comments about anything, toward me or anyone else, and once I started ignoring that I realized my former friends didn't have much else to say. It isn't worth it to me to spend a lot of time trying to appease people who don't WANT to be happy. There's a point where compassion can stretch to being a doormat, and I don't have the energy to go that far again.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I agree with the others, particularly Kim and Kari, about not taking the bait. Stay above it. This woman is looking for a fight, even if she doesn't realize it.

I worked with someone like this many years ago, before texting, before emailing. Her bullying was verbal and direct to my face, and it was clear that she felt like a victim of the world and perceived me as having all the advantages she didn't have, for some reason. I was very young and felt intimidated, and I generally bent over backwards to avoid her wrath. But one day when I was tired and fed up, in a weak moment, I blurted out an angry sarcastic response, then turned and left the building (I was getting off work for the day, so I could get away with that ;-). Yikes. I immediately thought, oh crap, this woman is now going to kill me. But guess what? She backed off after that, and we've been cordial ever since -- we're even Facebook friends, 25 years later.

I'm not recommending that course of action, of course, but it was interesting that she backed off once she no longer viewed me as a victim. Obviously, I would handle something like that very differently today.

Good luck!

rachylou

Veteran

I have cut someone for excessive texting alone. I asked twice and then was done. Of course, this person sent me over 100 texts in a 24 hour period... just thinking aloud to me. The fight didn't come until after she did that. and then did it again.

Only had 200 texts a month allowance.

But anyways, you get to state your peace in one text and that's it.

Adelfa

Veteran

Rachy, what's your cell #?

rachylou

Veteran

Oh, haha Adelpha. 200 texts on the nature of cats, men in bakeries, becoming a homeless for the experience (herself), and being destined to be rich.

NO :p

Lol. Man. Talk about nutty pup. Fellow student.

Sal

Veteran

Brief update, I did see the person last night, and just totally kept out of her way. We will see each other again tomorrow and I have the same plan although there are a couple of issues we will have to interact over. I have decided to basically keep all contact with her to facts, and keep away. After a conversation with a friend ( who is also a counsellor) I decided addressing her behaviour will not go well, she is too angry/emotional. Whilst this approach will not help her with her issues it allows the committee to function and I will support her daughters in their sport, who are both talented and lovely girls.

Thanks to all for your advice, everyone had words of wisdom, and they all helped me to calm down. I

chadya

Veteran

As much as I love the convenience of texting it does lend itself to the opportunity that the OP has found herself in, the ability to be nasty and agressive where you would not in a face to face situation. In this case I might print out and save those texts so this person can't come back at me to accuse me with stuff I said.
Distance myself and just interact in a business fashion and don't engage, she just wants to get you to react.

Elle

Veteran

Glad you are feeling better and are comfortable with your strategy. I know this is a challenging situation but it really is her, not you.

crutcher

Veteran

There can be no game if you don't catch the ball...Put her on the un-huh..button...My sweet little Toby hates more than anything in the world to be ignored or minimally recognized...You don't catch, there is no game...

unfrumped

Veteran

Good decision. I think it is not possible to be "therapeutic" relationship with someone like this. If it is a committee or activity in which you cannot avoid some interaction, then calm, limited is the way to go.
Text and e-mail have opened up a whole area of potential abuse and difficulty in protecting ourselves. We have to read it to sift through the good and bad, and so hence get the bad whether we want it or not (meaning, you can block someone if you are cutting off the relationship, but not if you plan to continue working with them on a regular basis). Once I've read a "toxic e-mail" I feel bad for some time afterward.

Anonymous

Kiwi gal, I'm late to this but empathise and think you have the perfect approach. I had an older relative who behaved this way, taking her frustration and anger out on others, purposefully trying to create a conflict as something she could control. I found the best way to deal is exactly as you're doing: protect yourself and stay true to your feelings by pulling back. In my experience people like this can be hyper finely attuned to others' responses, so chances are she will recognise what you are doing and know why. She may or may not acknowledge it to herself or see that she's losing one of her few allies (sometimes people with these emotional troubles are too narcissistic to do so). But you will have protected yourself. Sadly any attempt to talk with my relative ended up in a worse quagmire that caused more pain for me and others.

Rambling Ann

(website)

Veteran

I once printed an email and marched down to the office of the person who said it and asked them to read it to me in the tone they intended because it surely could not be how I read it. Profuse apologies ensued. People don't get how they come off when they are behind the shield of their devices.

harmonica

Veteran

Seems like you've found a good strategy. It's not about you, and you have now chosen to not let her actions drain your energy. It is difficult and I'm sorry that you are caught in this situation, but I think you are on the right path. Also agree with others, especially Gaylene and Kari. Keep up the good spirit!

Aziraphale

Veteran

I'm sorry to hear this. I don't think you're 'being a victim' by not responding, though -- I think you're taking the high road. Why get dragged in, when it's somebody else who has a case of the crazies?

This woman does sound like she has a few psychological issues that are, as you say, not in your control. I'd go ahead and let her freak out, and try not to let it bother me. (I might respond differently if she was spreading malicious rumours though).

Deb

Veteran

I've had a few instances of crossing paths with people who bully, particularly within the local swimming club. Some sporting parents can get pretty ugly! One culprit was a person who seemed to lack esteem and the intellect to insightfully look at their behaviour and one was jealous of my child's success as an Australian age champion through all of his teenage years. Abuse and bullying of any form are not okay and I'd make that very clear by avoiding all but absolutely necessary interaction for now, unless she has the manners to admit she made a mistake and offers a sincere apology. If it continues to bother you, it might be best to discuss it with her later when your emotion has settled. Reading between the lines, it may be that this woman is struggling with her personal situation and her angry behaviour is secondary to that. It's not about you.....though it is hard not to take it to heart.

12