Who do YOU really dress for? - YouLookFab Forum

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Dressing

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Who do YOU really dress for?

LJP

Veteran

It's certainly not for the male gaze . That may have been the case when I was in my 20's and 30's but I honestly could not care less what any man thinks of what I wear (although that doesn't seem to stop the 70+ year olds at the gym from commenting on everything- the worst offenders age-wise ) . My husband's opinion is not solicited, unless it's for fit on something particular like a winter puffer (the only case I can think of where I actually asked his opinion, lol) and while he does compliment me on outfits he likes, he's not a fashion person and I don't crave his approval in order to feel good in what I wear.

I dress for myself, period. It's how I entertain myself in a workplace of casual homogeneity , and in my personal time where I like to experiment with new trends and looks. For most women who don't dress for the male gaze , I also dress to indicate a knowledge of an interest in style and fashion .......to other women.

How about you?

Dressing

40 replies

Latest reply was from judy

slim cat

Veteran

I dress for myself three reasons - for fun, for feeling younger and current, and for work ( comfort and style combined ). LOL

Jennifer

That's a great question. Over the last 20 years I began to dress for myself because personal style and what it meant to me became "co-opted" by others in my immediate friend group. i.e. they were quite strong in their style convictions and would give directives about what looked good or not, and I felt like I had no say except to stay within those guidelines. I needed to own my style identity, and I learned how to do that partially here, and by reading/researching other sources, to understand my style preferences. Today I feel confident about my style and am glad to possess that knowedge.

Irina

Veteran

I dress for myself, too. Although I occasionally receive compliments from strangers, friends or DH, I’m surprised that people actually see me. My age is kind of my invisibility clock. When I worked, my coworkers were much younger and at times I wanted to show them that one can be older and have style. But those days are gone. Now I entertain myself. Fashion is my creative outlet.

Star (Lise)

Veteran

This is a great question LJP! Definitely for myself mostly. I say mostly because when on the rare occassion my DH tells me something is unflattering I do hear him. I don't always listen IYKWIM. He has good classic taste so it is worthy of hearing. If I feel really good in an outfit that is just too out there for his classic taste I happily ignore him. I don't dress for anyone else. I am retired so no work restraints. How odd that 70+ yr males like to comment on your outfits.

JAileen

Veteran

I dress for myself, too, for fun. Normally I try to be appropriate for the occasion. If I’m wearing lots of pattern, lots of wild color, or no color at all (all grey, for example), I’ll ask my husband what he thinks. In the time I’ve been on the forum, not only has my sense of style improved, but my husband’s has too. One time I wore four different patterns all in the same color family (pin striped pants, tie dye sweater, woven pattern sandals, and pieced leather bag, all in the same shade of blue) and my husband liked it. If he hadn’t, I would have worn it anyway. BTW, I missed an opportunity to introduce a fifth pattern in that outfit - I could have added a scarf!

Olive Green

Veteran

Always with the good questions!
I would love to say I dress for myself, but I am always aware of context and role. The invisibility cloak only goes so far ;), even at my age. And yes, older men do comment on and assess women pretty much till the last breath, in my experience.
Fortunately, I do not give a hoot for the male gaze, I just try to stay between normal looking, and not at all available, thank you.
And I just turned 70, but it’s a life long philosophy, especially as a seasoned solo traveler, and someone who has lived in variously free countries.
I dress in interesting colours and subversively basic styles. I dress for safety and utility, mostly.
That is, I guess, dressing for me.

LJP

Veteran

Regarding my comment about 70+ yr old men: I see a LOT of them during the work day, and many /most seem to think that women love a compliment and exist to be validated by them. Imagine having that kind of ego?! It's borderline creepy at times and I never reply. The millennial stare (I love it) goes a long way in this case (no, I'm not a millenial) . I don't feel that commenting on anyone's appearance or what they are wearing (male OR female) is appropriate . Ever. I'll only comment on something a friend is wearing and usually only after we've established that kind of rapport.

Indigoprint

Veteran

Myself.
I want to be appropriate for the occasion, even then I will chose what I think best for me
(have been lucky to have not received an invite that dictates clothing, and if I did and did not agree, would not attend said activity)

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I am chuckling at JAileen's comment re her husband's sense of style having improved since she has been on the forum. Also true of Mr. Suz!

Also LOL at what Olive Green said: til the last breath!! And what you said: "women..exist to be validated by them."

Ok, now to try to answer the question. I dress mostly for myself, for fun and interest (and also for practicality). I do get compliments from Mr. Suz and often from younger women (I work with 20-somethings as a teacher) and also from women my own age, both strangers and people I know. Unless they are of the leering type, or the aren't I wonderful for telling you that you look good type, I appreciate them and enjoy them. (Usually you can tell the difference). But I certainly don't create outfits with the hope of attracting them. It's all about what will take me through my day feeling my best.

Having said all that, there are certain occasions where I would dress to satisfy specific norms -- funerals, events in communities where a higher level of modesty is required, etc.

SW Ann

Veteran

I completely dress for myself. This has become abundantly clear when I moved here and tried to "fit in" and hated it. I gave up trying to be as casual as most people that live here, and shortly thereafter--found YLF website. I have people of like mind here. Few people dress like I do in Southern Arizona, and I am okay with that. I get compliments, and that is nice, but I get more side eye looks because I am not in flip flops and cutoffs all year round. Don't care. I am happy!

LJP

Veteran

SW Ann: I know what you mean about fitting in . I actually don't want to look like other women, and almost go out of my way to avoid the uniform of the 60+ women I see . And I don't see anything wrong with that !

SW Ann

Veteran

I agree! But this was a really new environment for me, and it was so different, I succumbed (for about a year) to conformance. I got depressed. REALLY! When I examined my feelings and why, I understood I am just not a "fit in" person when I am not true to myself. Authenticity wins!!!

Kate

Veteran

Myself. I always have, even when people commented on it, with, shall we say, a lack of approval. Thankfully, my parents, though they sometimes would raise eyebrows, or my mother would put her hands on her hips, and say, 'Really?' with a smile, let me wear what pretty much what I wanted, with decency being the bottom line—and that line often challenged as an older teenager.

I've courted the male gaze when it tickled me to do so, and completely ignored it whenever I chose to (most, and now all of, the time).

I've always loved fabric and clothes, and looked on clothes as one of the few art forms I could actively participate it. And now gardening as well. Interesting that both pursuits rely heavily on achieving whatever the goal is with line, proportion, changing shapes, and color.

Lisa

Veteran

Me!

I'm a mood based dresser so what I wear changes every day based on my mood.

There are times when I dress for a specific situation (ie I'm not going to wear loungewear to a business meeting or a wedding) but when it's not event based dressing, I dress for myself.

texstyle

(website)

Veteran

I think I dress for myself first and foremost but I do consider what the outside world might see. That mostly means I don't want to come off as being a sloppy "I don't care" kind of person fashion-wise, but if others want to do that, I don't really mind. Since I have often done little bits of performing - presentations, classrooms and now music - I do think about the audience and their enjoyment in terms of what I choose to wear. Approachable, but strong and safe is probably my goal. I wear simple things. A nice good fitting shape retaining tee, good shoes and good jeans or other bottoms with a quality belt and bag and I'm set for 95% of my life. Those things are all surprising a challenge to find I must admit. Quality seems to be a big aim for me.

Joyce

(website)

Myself and the weather. Before YLF I was afraid to step out of the box. Now, it is liberating to be an independent, fashionable person. Like others, the odd compliment from a stranger goes a long way to validating this decision but is not sought. Sometimes you just need a boost and who better to choose?

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Lots of interesting and astute replies!

Many comments resonated with me

Like you LJP, I dress mostly for myself - because it's a passion, and a very un-stressful and fun part of life! I milk it. Much of life and the world lets me down, but my style is constant joy. I am 100% in control of my style, and I love that too! I'm a control-freak. I dress to indicate knowledge, interest and enjoyment in fashion and style - that it can be practical, pulled together, and polished and isn't frivolous - and to communicate that to everyone who sees me - not just women. After all, this is also my line of work. I practice what I preach.

Hubs Greg has a very keen interest in fashion and style, design, and the arts. He is a software engineer and product design leader, yet a complete Renaissance Man. I value his opinions. I absolutely dress for him too, and it gives me great pleasure. Good thing we are 99.9% aligned with what we like each other to wear. Makes things very easy!

Like Irina, fashion and style entertains me! Yet it is not my only creative outlet.

JAileen, as always, you make me laugh!

Suz, love what you wrote!

As for receiving compliments, I always say "thank you" to the person who gives them. And leave it at that.

DonnaF

Veteran

I dress for myself. Who else would approve of all my Crocs? Dressing on trend is not one of my priorities, and I can’t think of anyone in my community who dresses like me. Which is okay. But apparently I am a source of entertainment as I have heard from a number of folks that they check out my outfit each Sunday to see what I am wearing.

OTOH: When as part of our Ministerial Search Committee we were to visit neighboring churches to hear guest ministers preach, we were supposed to be in cognito. I had the black pants and sensible shoes but no TNF or other fleece jacket. Oh, well.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Great question and it was very enjoyable reading the replies. I would also say I dress for myself. Myself is complicated of course . Regarding comments, I try to take them as intended but am extremely comfortable giving an icy gaze when I do not appreciate the intentions.

Bonnie

Veteran

1. Me, 2. DH, 3. Others. I like what you said, "It's how I entertain myself in a workplace of casual homogeneity." That's true for me but I would replace the word workplace with community. I'm lucky because I have a co-conspirator in DH who applauds my efforts.

Sloper

Veteran

Me, myself and I!! Like fellow Fabbers, it is my creative outlet. Also I love the visual and tactile input from my clothes.

With due regard to situational/cultural norms and being respectful.

Helena

Veteran

This is such a great question ... I don't even know quite how to answer really. I like to look nice and presentable, to fit in (within reason), and for my own psychological comfort. I don't dress for admiration but if I'm honest I do dress for approval and acceptance, at least to an extent. Although I admire and appreciate creative dressers and those who approach fashion as an art, that's not me I've come to learn. So I'm not sure if that's me dressing for others or for myself, perhaps a bit of both!

Staysfit

Veteran

The way I dress depends on the context. At work,I blend dressing for the context/role with dressing for myself. I am mindful of a need to present myself professionally enough without overdoing it so as to appear intimidating. I am also mindful that the other professionals in the building often wear much more casual attire than would be suitable for my role, and a need to adopt a style at work that somehow gracefully spans the difference between the attire a physician might wear in a traditional clinic setting vs what the professionals wear in a stand alone special education setting when surrounded with children that have many unpredictable behaviors. I also supervise residents/fellows at the medical university and they also need to dress in a traditionally professional manner so I try to keep my attire neat enough to work in that setting as well. It’s been tough and a big reason for my early use of this forum. When I am not at work, I definitely dress for myself. Over time, I do think I have been able to hone my personal preferences well enough that the choices I make for work feel very much like pieces I might otherwise pick for everyday. It’s been a long journey to get to this point!

Sisi

Veteran

First for myself, and then for what I call my "audience": people at the train station, at the workplace, supermarket, people on the street .... I like an admiration stare. Mostly it comes from women. Men notoriously do not understand a pin in clothes.

RobinF

Veteran

Hmm, great question. For myself and what I enjoy number 1, but I admit I also don't like to stand out too much so there is that, and I love what Sisi said about dressing for her audience - same (except I prefer not to be stared at :)). I am conscious of where I will be and what I am saying about myself with what I am wearing.

MsMary

Veteran

I'm with Sisi -- for myself first, and then for those I encounter out and about. Also I enjoy it when my husband enjoys what I'm wearing, which is most of the time.

Kate

Veteran

Men notoriously do not understand a pin in clothes.

That's hilarious, Sisi! Thanks for the laugh.

Carol

(website)

Veteran

I dress primarily for self-defense, and I bet a lot of other people do, too! On a good day I take time and dress for myself, that is my highest calling of fashion. I will also dress for the male gaze when I am single.

But I do think a lot of people dress for self-defense, although they don't think that. And by that I mean, they try to dress appropriately for each environment (work, party, etc.), at the appropriate age, and hopefully at a respectable income/quality level. People who follow these social codes well tend to do well, while people who don't may not be taken seriously, or even put down!

If you have ever been ignored by the bartender at a trendy bar, while they serve every hip face except you, you know what I mean!

Matching social codes is still an issue for me, but I pay it much more respect than I used to.

Dee

Veteran

Oh, I dress for my own amusement. Its one of my favourite creative outlets. However. I can feel a bit stymied in some ways, due to how casual most people dress these days and the fact that I'm not one who likes to stand out either.

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