When someone mistreats your things... - YouLookFab Forum

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When someone mistreats your things...

ironkurtin

Veteran

Minor rant beginning here.

When I leave out my shoes or handbag in our (admittedly small) entry, my husband picks them up and CHUCKS them into our closet. He doesn't hang them up or place them. He actually throws them in. He's even done this to a few of my coats!

This makes me so upset. I love my things, and he knows it, so for him to treat them this way makes me feel like he's throwing *me* into the closet. I've tried to talk to him about this - can't he just say, "Honey, your bag"? - but apparently the sight of my things out upsets him so much that he feels justified. Note that my daughter's things or his own don't provoke this response. Just mine.

Now I suppose I could start chucking around the stuff *he* leaves out, but that just seems like an immature escalation. Also, the stuff he leaves out tends to be fragile so if I did that, I would break it. I could, as he points out, just 100% always hang up my "crap." Or I could stab him in his sleep. Option #3 is becoming extremely tempting.

Rant over. Now I'm just depressed.

General

20 replies

Latest reply was from ironkurtin

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I had a hippie ex who didn't believe that material things mattered. We did NOT see eye to eye on this. I, like you, see it as an extension of how you wish to treat the person who owns the stuff. But at some point it is just stuff, and people are the most important thing in this life of ours. Doesn't mean he should be able to get away with acting this way, though. Obviously he's making a point about it, if he does not treat other items this way. I'd be tempted to at least poke him with a spoon in his sleep

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I do believe though that when we can't change people we are dealing with, the solution is to change our own behavior or reaction. The solution really is to keep your things picked up yourself.

ironkurtin

Veteran

The thing is, I really DO put away my stuff (mostly). We've been together for 20 years, and the times I don't are when my arms are full of groceries, or I have to make dinner IMMEDIATELY for blood-sugar-deprived young'un. I'm not a slob with my things, or with anyone else's. I don't think having my purse tucked under the mail table is such an imposition?

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Like I said, it seems he is making a point. But as for the purse, don't we all have a spot where our purse, or wallet, or cellphone lands when we come into the house? I've been 10 years living with my BF and I actually bought him a valet to put his keys and such in for the counter. I hang my purse on a hook from the loft. I kinda assumed everyone has an 'unloading zone'?

Mochi

Veteran

It seems overly punitive and passive-aggressive (or just aggressive?). Wish I had a solution for you. There must be way to work it out.

Anonymous

Maybe it would be worthwhile to talk this over with your husband and a counselor? Just a thought. I know you love him and are in a good relationship. Sometimes we all need an editor. Hugs.

Queen Mum

Veteran

I'm with Alicat- sound like there is a deeper issue here than just your stuff being left out.

Claudia

Veteran

I think you are justified with being upset. I don't have anything else to add, but hope that this doesn't escalate and that you can simply work it out.

ETA: is your daughter old enough to take on the task of bringing your things and placing them into your closet on those days to help you out? Or as a new household pitching in chore each evening?

Julie

Veteran

I volunteer to be on the jury if you stab him. Can you say, "Not Guilty"?
And he would be heavily fined for driving you to it in the first place.

Julie

modgrl

(website)

Veteran

Oh we have this fight every day, except I am the one "filing" my husband's things off of our dining room table in our very small house. Being on the other end of this situation, I would say the best way to resolve the issue is by hanging your stuff where and how you like it so it doesn't get misfiled.

MsMary

Veteran

My goodness. You two are in a really negative cycle, aren't you? You do something that pushes his buttons, for whatever reason, and he retaliates in a very childish way that he knows will push your buttons.

My suggestion: You two need to sit down and negotiate a solution to the problem, which seems to be "Ironkurtin needs to drop her stuff in the entry and get to work on dinner or whatever the minute she hits the door at night, and DH hates to see said stuff sitting in the entry."

I can think of all kinds of possible solutions:

1. Buy a piece of furniture or basket or rack or hook specifically designed to hold your purse and coat in a way that is quick for you and acceptable for DH.

2. Train the children to wait ten seconds for dinner or whatever so you can properly put you stuff away 100% of the time.

3. Wait until you get to the kitchen before you take off your coat or put down your purse, and fix yourself a "landing pad" for those items there, where they may not enrage DH so much (check with him on this).

4. Make it DH's job to properly put away your things every evening, and you agree to take on some chore for him in exchange.

The reality is that his feelings, right or wrong, are as strong as yours in this matter. So it really would be great for the two of you to sit together and work it out.

If it were me, though, I'd just train myself to pick up my stuff.

Amy

(website)

Veteran

Your situation sounds like some tiffs my husband and I get into. I feel for you. I'm taking notes on MaryK's suggestions. I hope you can work things out with DH! These things can really get the blood boiling, can't they?

HelloKitty

This sucks, IK, and I can understand how you feel. I’m one of those people who doesn’t always put things in their place right away, and I would be upset if I felt pressured to do that every single time I walked into my house (especially with my arms full or a hungry child on my leg!). It’s my house too after all, and I put equal if not more effort into cleaning it, so I should be able to put stuff down sometimes and not be punished for it like a child. You’ve said that you don’t make a habit of this, and that he doesn’t do this with other people’s stuff, so I can see why you’d feel you’re being treated unfairly and disrespectfully. There is definitely something more at play here…this seems like passive aggression. Does your husband resent your spending money on fashion? It seems like he’s targeting that stuff for a reason. (I’m sorry, I’m not on the forum much so I don’t know if you’ve talked about this before).

Anonymous

I just wanting to say I support you and hope you will feel better soon regarding this aspect. As my wisdom is limited , i'm taking notes on MaryK's words.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Oh, dear. Sounds really upsetting. I hope the two of you can work it out. Isn't it amazing how conflicts express themselves in these supposedly "little" actions and that's how we know we have serious work to do? I'm sure this has happened in one way or another to us all.

catgirl

Veteran

Oh, IK! I can't imagine how frustrated you feel. Well, actually I can. My husband and I just had a really serious conversation about this issue (and a few others). We're also going on 20 years and I feel we both have some entrenched habits that drive the other one crazy. Neither of us is particularly neat, but we each have our trigger issues. Mine is that I need one room where I can sit without feeling the urge to clean it. His is the kitchen sink needs to be empty. Etc. It was a really good heart to heart and we have both been making more of an effort to remember why we love each other and that these little things matter over time.

Nothing else to add to the stellar advice you've gotten here. MaryK is spot on. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and it takes hard work to change things. No one ever tells you how hard marriage is - one just assumes that love with fix everything. HA! Duct tape fixes everything - love and relationships take a hell of a lot more.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I just read an article this morning in the Globe about how little acts of generosity are the key to happy marriages. http://www.theglobeandmail.com.....le2294384/

If that's true, then no wonder small acts of UNkindness can trigger major unhappiness.

rae

(website)

Veteran

I have not read all the replies, but I agree with QM that there is another issue bubbling underneath the surface. As a blind guess, I would say that it is his attitude toward your clothes in general - I think you've mentioned before that he thinks you have or spend too much? He may just resent your clothes because he resents not being able to agree with you on your wardrobe (my dad used to be like this and would throw our toys away, because he thought my mom bought too much...)

catgirl

Veteran

Rae has a good point. Because we have separate finances, I think my husband misperceives how much I actually spend - he sees the incoming stuff, but not all the returns, $ from consignment, etc.

Another thing he expressed to me is that he feels I spend a lot of time shopping online. I told him I was LOOKING online, not necessarily buying, sort of the way he's always doing his online fantasy sports stuff that I don't complain about.

Communication about what's really going on is SO key... it does sound like there's some secret resentment. I used to recycle my husband's Sports Illustrateds because I got sick of them piling up, sometimes before he'd even read them! Yes, I was hostile and passive-agressive. You can't change something until you've addressed it.

Hugs! Vent any time...

ironkurtin

Veteran

Thanks, guys, this helps a lot - I appreciate the ear! And it's also good to get some feedback on adjusting *my* behavior, because after all there are two of us making the situation.

I think a couple of different things are going on. One, I make more money than he does. In fact, I supported our family flat out for the past three years (generously) while he began his startup (http://www.biolitestove.com/BioLite.html). No matter how much he says he doesn't mind me being the breadwinner, I know he really resented having to pick up more of the domestic stuff because I was working so much. (In fact, he expected me to pick up all the groceries *and* clean the house on the weekends - big fights over *that,* believe me!)

In addition, he really doesn't understand my enjoyment of clothing. He likes me to look nice, but he doesn't understand the churn. For me, it's a hobby; for him, it's a waste. I think if it cost nothing (and took up less space) he'd care less!

So these things are converging into a big hateful heave-ho into the ol' closet. Who knows, maybe if the situation was reversed I'd be doing the same to his duds, too... Understanding this doesn't make me like it or think it's okay, but I do get it.