You can't close your sweater drawer, so something will have to go. How about this grey sweater that you never wear and looks weird on you.

Nooo! I saw one of the ladies on academchic wear it once and it looked great. Of course it was belted and mostly covered by a giant scarf.

Do you know what your depression era grandmother would say about getting rid of perfectly good clothing? do you know she raised four children all by herself? what if the economy collapses? you'll be awfully sorry you didn't hang on to that perfectly good
sweater.

This sweater drawer won't close. something's going to have to go.

"BURN IT ALL!"

"No, you can't do that--- that would be wasteful."

"SERIOUSLY? Three quarters of your closet is full of threadbare sweatshirts."

"But I have a lifestyle that necessitates threadbare sweatshirts!!!!!"

"Angie would say that no one has a lifestyle the necessitates threadbare sweatshirts."

(Under my breath) "She's probably right," sigh, " . . . but, but, but what am I going to wear when I need to SURVIVE in the WILDERNESS!!!!"

"1) You are a drama queen, 2) no self-respecting survivalist would wear this, and 3) you aren't a SURVIVALIST!"

"Ok, point made----- but what about this? I can't throw this away! There aren't even any HOLES!"

"That skirt looks like a reject from a Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen show--there is a reason that we've never worn it."

"Really? I was just saving it for the next time I take a beach vacation."

"You'd be better off naked at the beach . . . and FYI, we have been to the beach somewhere warm exactly 1 time. WAKE UP!!!!"

A sample of a typical inner dialogue:

- Ok, I have all these nifty style ideas from reading YLF -- let's get dressed!

- Fine, how about this skirt?

- Hmm, skirts. It's a little cold and windy today for that.

- But you would wear it with tights. And boots.

- Yeah, I'm not feeling the tights. Too, um, tight. And nylon-y. My legs itch just thinking about it. And then there is the chub rub factor.

- Ok, what about leggings?

- Well, all I have are black and grey, and I don't think they would look good with that skirt. Besides, none of my shirts go with it.

- Ok, how about a dress?

- Well, there's the tights issue again. And none of my dresses are really wintery.

- Um, then how about some dress pants? You have, like, four pairs that you never wear.

- Yeah, but I'm saving those for when I have an office job. Plus none of them give me PPL. And you know that's important.

- *Sigh* Ok, how about jeans, then?

- Well, they all have holes, are too short, too long, or too big. Or in the laundry.

- Yoga pants?

- Too short. And I can't really be seen out shopping in yoga pants. That is just way too stereotypical fat lady.

- Right, I'm out of ideas, then.

- How can you be out of ideas??? I can't even fit all the clothes into the closet!! Surely there must be SOMETHING to wear.

- Well, how about these jeans? They only have a little hole. And they are just a little bit too big. And you can wear them with your Docs so they only drag on the ground a little bit.

- Ok. What shirt?

- How about the new black one?

- No, I want something warmer...

And so on, and so on...

...this is how it goes -- 3 dialogues:
(Notice how I have taken photos for a potential ebay sale. These have been on my hard drive for a couple of years now.)

PHOTO 1: Betsey Johnson dress (40s style), purchased at Winners 7 years ago:

-- "IT does NOT fit! You didn't even try it on at the store before purchasing it. Learn your lesson and just let go."
-- "But the fabric is absolutely great -- maybe I can do something else with it. It was a steal for only $50 bucks. Who gets Betsey Johnson for $50?!?"
-- "Actually, it cost you $80 -- you forgot the alteration costs for taking up the neckline to a decent, non-Barbie-boob position. And it's too tight on your hips, even when you're slim you don't wear it. It's bias-cut -- not suitable for a pear."
-- "I know but I really love the material...."

PHOTO 2: vintage Fluevog boots, purchased full price at Fluevog on Granville St.:

-- "You don't wear them, they're too stiff. You can't fit in an insole. Learn your lesson and just let go."
-- "But they are classics -- in a 'granny goes combat' kind of way. Maybe I'll get a shoe repair to stretch them out a bit so I can fit in an insole..."
-- "Then take it to the shoe repair already! The only reason you haven't done that is that you know you still won't wear them, the shoe repair is just an excuse."
-- "But they are classics -- I'm sure I'll find the right occasion to wear them yet..."

NO PHOTO: Grey v-neck sweaters (3 and counting):

-- "NO MORE GREY SWEATERS!"
-- "...but I do wear them, and the color suits me well. They're a classic!"
-- "Go Parisian Chic and buy a navy one instead!"
-- "I will do that too. But when I find the right one at a good price I might as well pick up a grey one too..."

...ah, yup.

rosee, the Fluevogs and Betsey Johnson dress should elope and run off together

Laughing in recognition at Mochi's comment that the shoes and dress should run off together. Boy, how often do I end up with great outfits that are happy together and don't need me at all!

...You never know -- I might have a daughter one day who'll appreciate my old stuff. It really bugged me when my mom gave away her vintage clothes from the 50s and 60s, b/c as a teenager I was already wearing them.

...just. can't. let. go. yet... (and usually I'm good at purging).

p.s. I never wore the dress and boots together but I did wear stuff like that in my early 20s (during the early 90s) when that look was popular.

my internal monologue tends to happen when packages arrive and my husband's around. so really, it's just a conversation that i replay in my head as soon as i see the packages.

H: so what'd you get?

BJ: nothing.

H: but what's in the box(es)?

BJ: stuff i'm going to return. (mind you the items are still encased in plastic, in some cases still sealed in the box)

H: so, you got stuff shipped to you, just so you could return it?

BJ: when you say it out loud, it makes me sound crazy.

H: (shakes his head, walks away)

Rosee! OMG--- those boots deserve to be worn. They need to go to shoe repair or to a new home. They are sad sitting in the closet. Boots like that need to taste asphalt!

Mine is like this:

Man it's cold in the office. I'm freezing. I need a cashmere sweater.

You have a dozen cashmere sweaters.

Yes, but they are at HOME and I am at the OFFICE, and oh look, so is the computer which has ebay on it! Let's go look at cashmere sweaters!

OOO I love that one!

You don't need a cashmere sweater.

Yes I do, I'm freezing! And wait - what's this "need" word you're using? N- nuh-- nehee -- I can't even say it!

You're being indulgent and spendy.

But look at the collar! The color! The brand! I bet it's sooo soft! Man, I could wear that RIGHT NOQ!

Turn off the computer. I mean it.

...Then I go look at boots.

Hee... IK, your work day sounds awfully familiar.

Red Kate Spade Trench

"It's never going to fit you. Just get your act together and stick it on ebay"
"I know, I'm just too lazy. Suppose I don't get my money back? I paid xxx for it"
"Even if you get some of it back, it's better than nothing"
"Suppose the customer is a big jerk, destroys the coat and files a complaint with ebay?"
"Don't sell to anyone crazy. Also, keep really good records"

Red Fluevog Malibrans

"If only I didn't overpronate I could keep these shoes. Maybe I could train myself to walk normally"
"You're never going to be able to train yourself to walk normally"
"But I love these shoes"
"Then be prepared to resole them every 3 month when you wear through the heels"
"But I can't afford that"
"Then sell them"
"They're too used to get a reasonable price for them. What a waste of money"
"Suck it up"

Sequin top
"It doesn't fit you"
"But I might lose ten pounds"
"Even if you do, you have nowhere to wear it"
"Sure I do. Everyone on YLF walks around looking casually fab wearing sequin tops with black jackets"
"You don't even have a black jacket"
"I could get one. Plus it doesn't take much space"
"Fine. I give up on you. Hoarder"

PS. I hereby offer a home to any and all Fluevogs in my size range.

These posts are hilarious! Been there, said that! But sometimes, you just HAVE to have it.

@Suz: I've been called lots of things (LOL), but never a genius! Thank you for your kind words.

Just wanted to say that these posts are helping me feel a whole lot less guilt about getting rid of things in my closet. I still haven't done it yet, but am feeling better about the process. It helps to know I'm not the 'only one.'

Oh, this is a good read! I'm glad I'm not the only one who talks to herself in her closet!

- This dress is rarely worn.
- You should wear it more.
- But it rides up in an unflattering way.
- Just wear leggings.
- You CAN'T wear leggings in clinic.
- But it's a perfectly good dress!
- It's obviously NOT because it rides up!
- Maybe if I just tug it down throughout the day
- But that's so uncomfortable!
- That's it! IT IS LEAVING THE CLOSET ONCE AND FOR ALL

*toss*

Great thread idea, mamaKate! These are all so hilarious! I can totally relate to Una's dialogue, I do that all the time. And bj1111, how did you get inside my head?

Here's the internal dialogue from one of my recent Keep or Returns:
http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....laid-pants

"Let's see what Angie is posting about today. Oooh! Plaid skinny pants! Wow! The red ones look so cool! I've got to get some! "
"But you don't need plaid skinny pants."
"I could wear these with my moto-style peacoat and black lace-up boots!"
"In what universe would you actually wear these?"
"I could wear these on the weekends for MOTG. Or maybe with a black sweater to work?"
"Yeah right! This doesn't go at all with your style. Demure bombshells do not wear plaid skinny pants."
"But I can shake things up! Who says I have to be a DB all the time? I want to be a punk rock UWP like Una! And she's getting a pair..."
"You are not an urban warrior princess. Remember what happened the last time you tried that?"
"You mean the Heed sweater that Una and Rae looked so cool in?"
"Yes, the sweater that made you look like you were wearing a loincloth. That one."
"Well MaryK rocked it too, and she is a bombshell like me!"
"MaryK can make anything look good. You looked silly. You were too embarrassed to even take a picture of yourself wearing it before you returned it!"
"Well this is different. I think it'll look good on me and it'll be fun to try it!"
"OK, if you want to look like a lumberjack wearing pajamas..."
"Let's order it from ASOS and just try it. Free returns if it doesn't work."
"OK but DH is going to laugh at you when he sees you wearing it. Remember what happened with the faux fur and the animal print?"

(Two weeks later...)
"The plaid pants are here! Yay!"
"Hmm, they feel so stiff and thin and cheap! Weren't these really expensive? They're premium jeans price but they feel more like your Old Navy jeans!"
"Lemme just try them on."
"The rise is too low. Hello muffin top."
"I'll just pull it up a little. (Hitch hitch jiggle jiggle) I think it's OK if I cover it up with a cashmere sweater and the peacoat."
"You know those pants are going to be sliding down all day and taking your underwear down with them."
"But look how cool I look with my moto jacket and black boots! Eighties punk rock princess! Yeah! And check out the rear view! I look hot!"
"But what's going on in the front with the crotch? Is that CAMELTOE?"
"No I think it's just the print placement. Maybe no one will notice."
(Posts pictures on YLF)
"Dang, everyone is talking about your crotch."
(Returns pants immediately)
"OK, I got that out of my system. That was fun while it lasted. Hmmm...let's see what Angie is posting about today. Oooh! Striped midi dress. Wow! The orange one looks so cool! I have to get one!"

(Tune in tomorrow for more of Goldenpig's fashion adventures on the next episode of As YLF Turns...)