*BIG HUGS* Kari, you've gotten a lot of great advice from others already so I wanted just to say that I'd love to go out for tea or lunch or shopping or whatever with you. Or maybe you'd like to come hang out at my house which feels like being in a pretty park for tea and snacks. Or maybe we can plan another wine tasting afternoon. Just let me know! And I don't mean that in the typical Seattle way, I really do mean it. Do you still have my cel#?

Oh, and I find friends the way I do thrift store treasures... I look at a wide range, not just my own size. I have friends 20 years younger and decades older than me; they enrich my life and I hope I do theirs - and I can't keep up with most of them!

Such a wonderful, important thread, and so much thoughtful feedback to a thoughtful post! Having just moved a few weeks ago, I am starting over with work, neighborhood, and friendships. My kids are both 13 --- so I have even more concern about their connection than I do my own.

The last time I moved (18 years ago), we were relocating for DH's pastoral position. It's the best time to be in ministry -- everyone in the church wants to be (and generally is) helpful. They provided the moving, cleaning and painting crew, giving sacrificially of their time. They "pounded" me (giving a pound of butter, canned goods, etc, to restock the pantry), and invited me to functions (and sometimes lobbied me to support their causes within the church, lol). The loneliness would come later -- when I struggled with infertility in a church swarmed with babies!

This time, I know I will have to do most of the heavy lifting to establish good relationships. I resonate with Gaylene's comment that it is necessary to bring something to the table -- I am looking to be useful, along with friendly, if I can. I can already tell I have a long road ahead of me!

For me, friendship is a spiritual thing, not that all my friends are "churchy." Rather, I pray about and for relationships, following the tenet of "blessed to be a blessing," and believing that relationships are meant for comfort, enjoyment, and growth. This time, I will, as Joy suggested, look for friendships in a group that's meeting for a common interest or purpose --- a book club, a cycling group, a musical group or a Bible study. I've toyed with the idea of participating in a Goruck activity (http://www.goruck.com/rucking/c/62) or trying Orienteering http://www.us.orienteering.org/. It will be different than before, since I have children that require lots of time and energy, but are growing in independence. Lots of changes are ahead!

You can see from your thread responses that isolation is quite the cultural problem -- few are immune. Wouldn't it be lovely if we all tried to develop a new relationship or two every year? You know, put "relationship development and maintenance" on the calendar, just like we go to the dentist, or change the oil in the car?

Lastly, your wedding will be lovely. Plan something that will recharge your batteries when it's over. Also, I know you love animals, perhaps an interest group surrounding this interest might be feasible? Many people with deep attachments to animals are compassionate introverts.

Hi Kari, I am introverted and serious and have moved several times, so I definitely know what you're talking about!

I want to share something that's happened to me lately. The point is not that I've received some big insight, let alone that you should act on it. Just that it made me think about how friendships are developed.

Eighteen months ago I moved 350 miles to Los Angeles. I formed good work friends quite soon (totally agreeing with Gaylene that they're not the same as personal friends) and was very happy hanging out from time to time with my daughter and her husband and singing in the church choir. I didn't make any friends in the huge apartment complex where I lived.

But now in my apartment I have growing friendships with three women in my complex. Why? Because they are totally talkative and outgoing and act like they want to talk to me when they happen to see me. They suggest going on walks. They are borderline pushy. Meanwhile I listen to them talk--I may have some skills in this area because I'm a therapist. I'm thinking that if I want to make friends, I need to be more like them! And part of why they talk so much may be because I'm not saying much.

It is generally hard for me to feel motivated to put a lot of energy into a relationship unless I feel really enthusiastic about a person. I agree with the commenters above that this is probably a mistake. We have to be willing to put time into relationships that seem mediocre at first. At least that's what I'm thinking.

Also, just a thought--I have three very close friends that I've known for between 33 and 45 years, and they were all childless when I was raising my two. Some years I may have only seen these friends once or twice. But eventually I got out of the little kid stage and my friends were still there, which I'm very glad of!

I agree that you are courageous and wise for talking about this and I wish you the very best while you work this out!

What does your partner think of how you are feeling?

No , not desperate- it's strategic and necessary in today's world of busy- ness.
Try some things and be okay if not all work out. You may not strike paydirt right away.
And j agree that not all friendships are deep and perfect or love at first sight. Work with s range of relationships and
Some will blossom
I think about this too because it's posdible I might move fog job of retirement at some point and I'm a bit of an introvert and closet home- body. So I could be isolated really easily.

The main thing is, you are not alone in feeling alone. Take heart.

Kari, I think you are just feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Planning a wedding is always stressful to some extent, and you have recently lost pets, also. No wonder you are at a low ebb. I hope the process of writing all this down in black and white, plus the excellent advice you have received from the others has helped to clarify your thoughts a little.

It may help to concentrate just on the wedding for now, and leave the issue of friendships for a while. Sit down with your SO and really sort out the expectations and wishes of each of you - maybe write it all down as you have here. There are bound to be compromises to be made on both sides, but, hopefully, you can come up with a solution that is agreeable for both of you. Remember, too, that this is only one day - admittedly a special one, but it is your relationship as a whole that really matters.

I'll leave the subject of friendships as you've had great suggestions from others, but I'm sure that this is just a temporary, life-stage issue that will resolve itself in time. Best wishes to you.