WOW! I love your list of what you have done. Great reminder that even when we think we are "doing nothing" we are actually doing a whole lot. That doesn't even begin to account for the great work you have done with your kids, or here on the YLF community -- not to mention, your fab style development!

Torontogirl I TOTALLY get what you are coming from. I'm also a SAHM, same age (ok plus a year!), going through very similar experiences from the sounds of things. What fabulous advice and words of wisdom you have already received from this sisterhood I am personally taking MaryK's advice to heart - in fact - I was doing exactly that when I got dressed today! I was letting it be ok to wear a sucky outfit, and you know what? It wasn't too bad! I also love Suz' advice, and think that perhaps she's related to my therapist b/c I cannot believe how uncannily similar that last paragraph (about asking the self doubt what it is trying to tell you) is to what I've been paying money to learn to do.

I have a great relationship with a therapist from whom I have learned heaps this past year. We began working with therapists initially for our kids over the years, but for the first time this year I really built up a great relationship with one who really gets me, and my family. I finally feel like we are getting somewhere and I'm learning to quiet the inner critic who rules my life with an iron fist, and gets in the way of living all the time. I've always been ruled by self-doubt and self-criticism and am trying to let it go.

I second the recommendation to get Brene Brown's books, and watch her TED talks. They are fabulous. Shame is such a huge player in our lives, especially these days and especially for SAHMs. Check out her blog, and her mantra for Wholehearted Living (excerpt below):

"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed and thinking, Yes, I am imperfect, vulnerable, and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging."

And I will close this with a little prayer that I keep printed out and tucked in my desk drawer. It is called St. Theresa's Prayer (not intended to offend - I believe it is a helpful mantra for all humankind):

May today there be peace within.
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.
May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content with yourself just the way you are.
Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

Jackie, what a lovely prayer!. I'm going to favourite this thread for all the great wisdom and insight it holds.

Torontogirl, let us hold hands and keep paddling to keep our heads above that doubtful water.

I am a WAHM but I know exactly why I tend to drown in the doubt... Having it is fine. But it doesn't stop. Because often there is no one and nothing to interrupt it at home. Don,t know about you but I don,t see many adults on a daily basis. One actually, most days. And virtual escapes are limited of necessity too. In fact just the other day I was looking at my SO's little bowl of loose change and wondering why he was carrying around foreign currency?! The coins have changed. It has been so long since I counted bus fare or something that I had no idea! So while mine might be an extreme case, I think the inherent isolation of SAHMs makes you a little too self-absorbed, which does no good for chasing down those doubts.

I therefore like suz's strategy, which is really a step beyond the neutralising that Mary and Beth suggest... Make the doubt your friend. Then give it a hug and tell it to go away while you get on with it. And you will see it again later. When it is a good time for you to do so.

"Make the doubt your friend. Then give it a hug and tell it to go away
while you get on with it. And you will see it again later. When it is a
good time for you to do so."

That. So much. And it's more or less what my therapist told me on how to deal with my fears when I was at my lowest with my social phobia. First step is recognizing the same old thought patterns when they happen and then to acknowledge them. Then acceptance. Because that's the only way to get on with it in spite of it. And the knowledge that it isn't a problem when it will come back, which it surely will. Because you can accept those feelings then, same as you're doing right now. And they won't paralyze you anymore and in time you will have them less frequently.

I do know doubt too, btw. But for me the doubt is very tightly tied to the fact that I'm single and that I've never experienced a real relationship like other people my age have. My best friend from school got married last Saturday. It's very difficult not to let yourself fall into that deep black hole and totally doubt yourself when all around you worthiness is mostly defined by relationships, love and having a family.

You guys continue to blow me away with your wisdom and insight. Who needs therapy with this group?!? (jk ... I think that is actually a very good suggestion as I have struggled with anxiety for years). I am having epiphany after epiphany as I digest this collective wisdom ... which I won't bore you with ... but suffice it to say, per Suz' suggestion, I think the doubt is pointing me to the place where I lost my centre and started letting the world around me set the agenda. Which at the time was rat-race, rat-race, rat-race. So I felt pushed into it but not really wanting to be part of it. In any case, I think the deepest yearning of my heart is just to be average (which I am) and content to be see (which I am but yet feel I shouldn't be - back to the rat-race). I am perfectly fine with a normal house and a happy family with kids who are not likely to make the NHL and don't play rep sports and are not going to Kumon and taking Cantonese on the weekend (not that there is anything wrong with any of this stuff - but it's not our preferred lifestyle and that is just going to have to be okay). It is the deepest yearning of my heart to be happily average, and this is not about giving up or being lazy but rather about appreciating that everything that makes life amazing is just as present (if not moreso) in the ordinary as in the extraordinary.

Anyways - to share a funny story - I have this awesome friend who tells it like it is, and once in a conversation with a bunch on moms talking about programs and enrichment, etc., she said "well I just want my kids to be mediocre at everything they do!" At the time I thought she was brave and fun, but now I appreciate that she was indeed wise too.

Much love to everyone ... you are all a tremendous blessing. Think I'll print this whole thread! And Jackie, the mantra and prayer are going over my desk

xoxox to all!!!!

Astrid - was posting at the same time as you. Big hugs ... my sis is in a similar boat and I know that she feels the same way often, although she has a small but close network of friends, it can be tough to "lose" people to their new families when you are single. Hugs and more hugs.

I love your story - and almost spit out my coffee laughing when I read your comment about the NHL/kumon/Cantonese!!! That's my life too!! LOL!! We could be neighbours!

I've written down MandipaM's quote "make the doubt your friend..." What a powerful thought.

I am so thankful to be here. Thanks, Torontogirl, for starting this thread.

Ha Jackie ... I'm like, my kid is awesome at Wii Sports, does that count?!?

You guys made this thread awesome, not me

It is the deepest yearning of my heart to be happily average, and this
is not about giving up or being lazy but rather about appreciating that
everything that makes life amazing is just as present (if not moreso) in
the ordinary as in the extraordinary

Yes, exactly.

Thank you for starting this thread because I've been thinking about it for days. I wanted to say something similar to what ladywone said about meditation, but I wasn't sure how.

I came across this article today about laughter and mediation that compared their very similar effects on the mind: http://www.latimes.com/science.....story.html

I meditated regularly for a decade, and have fallen out of the practice, but one thing I found while I was meditating or doing other spiritual practices is that they reminded me that I was in the universe to be me. Exactly as I was. I was perfectly imperfect. The things I was drawn to were the areas where I had something to learn. The time I had was enough time. Just being was my duty, and I was already doing it.

Also, it reminded me that I wasn't alone in there. I was part of a much much larger system. Whether I thought about it on a quantum physics level, or as part of a community or family, or whether I thought of it as god, it wasn't all up to me or on my shoulders. I could trust a little in the universe. Things worked out, the vacuum got filled, balance was restored. Some traditions have sayings like 'surrender the fruit of your action' or 'do your best, leave the rest to god'. For me I try to remember to offer my fear and anxiety up, not to be rid of it, but because it gives me a little more distance to see it with acceptance and understanding, as god would, or as I would see the worries of a friend.

One other thing I thought about which might or might not apply. I found with myself at times, and with creative women I know who are or were SAHM that sometimes the drive to be creative expresses itself as hyper-focus. There is a natural desire to create beauty and build and when certain outlets are out of reach, I think sometimes we get super perfectionist and hyper attuned to the outlets that are left.

I finally figured out that this was maybe what was happening to me, and ended up looking for alternate creative outlets. What started as just 'well maybe I can take a community class' surprisingly became a new career. So I would maybe pay attention to the impetus behind the drive for perfection, regardless of how it's expressed.

I'm thrilled you're feeling better, TG. I can't top the wisdom here, but I can give you a virtual hug. And say that you are a wonderful forum member who is awfully supportive, kind and fabulous. Add that to your list something you are very good at. xo

Torontogirl, thank-you for starting this thread. I am fully resonating with the wisdom shared here.

BTW: like Claudia, I love Brene Brown's work (books, TED talks).
I had the opportunity to hear her speak at our high school and loved her.

torontogirl, we must live in the same city. I'm a mom and a teacher and although my daughter is only 4 right now, I teach 12/13 year olds at Mount Pleasant and Davisville and see every day the pressure there is to give our kids every opportunity and set very high expectations. I think living in Toronto, in particular, any major city for that matter, makes it hard not to live in the rat race and I struggle with it too.

As to self-doubt, well I'm on my own journey right now to quiet my inner judge (that gal is a serious PITA!). I am by no means an expert just a fellow traveller and here's what I'm trying right now ...

Watch more Oprah! Your comment about watching too much Oprah in your formative years totally resonated with me! You were probably just joking but I often felt this residual angst that I hadn't figured it out right - I wasn't "never working a day in my life" because I hadn't found my calling - I love my job but it IS often work. Then hearing about all the moms who didn't have two minutes to rub together. Find 10 minutes in your day for yourself, Oprah and her experts would decree. WTF!? 10 minutes? That's all I get? I want more! So, why watch more Oprah? I find her Super Soul Sunday very inspiring and on point for this journey of letting go of self doubt.

I also love her course with Eckhart Tolle and his book, A New Earth. This is the 2nd time I'm doing the course (I have a hard head - takes a while for things to sink in!). Tolle's book, The Power of Now is a hard read but worthwhile. I've sat down with that one and tried to digest chunks of it oh for the past 10 or 12 years!

Brene Brown rocks my world! I just finished (or am finishing late!) her Part 2 of the ecourse on The Gifts of Imperfection. Sooooo good. Her TED talks - soooooo good!

A therapist. I started seeing one in early March after thinking about it for years, calling one up last summer and then flaking, and I finally did it after my family doctor gave me a referral. Jury's still out on impact/effectiveness ... but ... I'm trying not to give up too soon.

I will come back to read this thread again, to help digest everyone's wisdom.

TG, you should be thanked for this thread because you had the vulnerability to say how you felt and ask the hard questions.

TG I got a chuckle at your "aha" moment. You are quite accomplished. Ornella's Ted talk is just so awesome....and so true....and so necessary.

AZ, of course is right on. Interestingly enough, the women that I least talk about my kids to are the YLF ladies when we hook up. Other than that, it is so true that the people who have only known me as a SAHM seem tongue tied unless it is about kids or cooking . On a couple of occasions I have answered the " What do you do ? " question by saying that I am the family CEO and I run it like a business. Men tend to get very confused, but women get it immediately. ; )

I once read that our society never asks "who are you " ? Or "what do you think ? " Even my kids think I have no abilities outside yelling at them to pick up their clothes ! Last year a wonderful friend of mine came to visit from Geneva. She works at the CERN, where the large Hadron collider is. It is where the Higgs-Boson was confirmed. Anyway, my son could NOT beleive we were friends. He knows of her, but at 11 he really got what she does. He asked how someone like her could have ever met someone like me. LOL ! She looked puzzled and said, " why we met in a lab at MIT ...." My son blurted out, "Whaaaaaattttttt were you doing at MIT , mom?" Of course I felt a bit puffed up . Haha

TG.....give yourself compassion.

You know, in answer to the "what do you do" question, it might give the questioner a little more to work with if you answered something like "At the moment I'm the family CEO, and before that I was a rocket scientist and before that I was an NCAA sprinter." Not, I hasten to add, that it's your job to give people conversational material, but really the question "what do you do" is our shorthand for "who are you," and all of us are certainly more than what we are currently doing at the moment.

And speaking of Oprah, I was reading the latest issue of her magazine in the salon yesterday, and in her column on the back page she talks about she is just done and over with being dissatisfied with her body. I wanted to give her a standing ovation!

Maryk , that is an interesting perspective. I have never thought of it as shorthand....hmmmmmm. Thanks. I never think of what people do as who they are, but of course some people might imply one while saying the other.

Thanks for more great resource suggestions and insights and wisdom So much to digest here ... I will look at the Brene Brown course as she seems to have resonanted with so many of you. I saw sign on a church in the country on the way to the cottage: You can have the rainbows without the clouds. So true!

Kerry - I used to live on Davisville, right at Mount Pleasant ... about 3 houses in! Such a great area. I'm up in Aurora now, but it's a similar experience ... the rat race has fully infiltrated the 'burbs! Argh!!