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Please Help a Pastor's Wife

Anonymous

Hi Angie (my name is Angie, too!) I'm new here so I hope I'm doing this right. I desperately need some guidance with my wardrobe. I'll try to keep my question as short as possible. I'm a new Pastor's wife (also homeschooling mom of 5), 36 years old, 5' 4" with a full curvy hourglass shape (size 14 with full bust). I don't wear pants (ever) and my dresses and skirts must be below the knee. My tops also must show no cleavage. Our income does not allow us to buy much, so we go to Goodwill or thrift shops when we need something. I've always been very fashionable and trendy, but now that i'm a Pastor's wife I want to be appropriate, respectable, CLASSY, and timeless. What are some KEY important pieces that you think I should look for when I thrift, (or shop in a regular store if given the opportunity) with clothing, shoes, bags, and jewelry??? Also, I am such a vintage/junky lover when it comes to costume jewelry...(I love etsy!!!)...is that an ok look for me in this ministry and as I age? Sometimes I feel like I might be over the top and crazy looking now - that what looked cute and stylish as a regular mom may not be so cute as a Pastor's wife. Does that make sense? I really hope you can help me, I feel so lost here. Thank you SO MUCH for any advice! ~ShabbyChick

Dressing

36 replies

Latest reply was from MsMary

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

Hello and welcome, Church Angie! It truly sounds to me like you're on the right track in terms of upholding your fashion objectives, but the ladies here will help you rebuild your confidence! I'll leave the specifics to the tru experts, but just wanted to offer a welcome.

Carole

Veteran

I'm not Angie, but if you look through some of Angie's outfits and posts about wardrobe capsules, you should get some great ideas about where to begin. It can be overwhelming at first, but if you just keep observing here, taking in what is available, it will start to sink in. Lots of members frequent thrift shops and have fabulous style. Good luck and welcome.

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

Welcome Shabbychick! (from another homeschooler )
I love thrift and vintage finds- both costume jewelery and clothing. I think that you can find pieces that are appropriate, respectable, CLASSY, and timeless with just a little attention to details. I would look for higher end brands/fabrications, woven tops, fitted jackets/blazers, and impeccable fit. Be open to altering items for a perfect fit, and check out some discount stores for other pieces as well. Maybe your church can arrange a clothing swap for the ladies? That would be an awesome resource. I think that you can find a way to incorporate your personality and love of vintage jewelery without looking over the top. Maybe you can post some outfit photos for more specific input?

DanaLynn

I think the key- when you are doing an overhaul to your wardrobe- is to think of it as a pod or capsule. Angie writes about this quite a bit. The elements with in your capsule should swap out easily, so you can mix and match.

Your totally in luck too- midi skirts are really big this season! You should be able to find them in lots of discount stores that are budget friendly. A couple of those as basics and perhaps a nice pencil denim skirt would be a nice foundation. Then you could add t's in different colors and styles with cardigans, jewelry, scarves, casual jackets. You could really mix it up.

Now, I have lived in a lot of places and met a lot of pastors/ministers wives. They are all different. Some look like Stepford robots. Some are very casual. I think it depends a lot on the church and your presence in the community. I would encourage you to express your own personal style though and not let your husbands position define your style. Vintage and handmade goods can be of varying quality so it's hard to say. I'm 30 and I still wear quirky pieces.

I think of emma pillsbury from glee. She is always dressed conservatively but it's fun and colorful- I don't think they have ever had her in pants. There is actually a blog (probably many) devoted to clothing inspired by emma. http://www.wwepw.com/

Hope this helps. Good luck!

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Anonymous

Thank you so much ladies for the warm welcome! That is good advice DanaLynn, not to let my husband's position define my style. I suppose I wonder if people wouldn't respect me as much in my typically more casual (though trendy) style??? Perhaps I should say that we are the youngest people at this church (we are both 36), the next youngest are in their 40's, there are many older people. I want to look respectable and not silly to them. Everyone watches the Pastor's wife and it's a lot of pressure that I'm not used to. What I DEFINITELY want to avoid is being frumpy! I do have a nice assortment of cardigans and tops, a variety of skirts, a collection of handbags and shoes. I love ballet flats. I just don't really do the whole "suited up" CHANEL look very well, I feel that it really constricts me...not to mention it's isn't very "curvy girl" friendly. I adore charm bracelets, chunky strands of pearls, my diamond stud earrings, brooches, denim jackets, statement bags, a nice chunky watch. To be honest, I'm afraid of reflecting too much of my personality into my dress now that so many are watching...I don't want to seem immature or MATERIALISTIC. What do you all think????

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Another welcome from me, Angie!

If you like, you can post a picture of yourself so that we can help you more accurately. That way you know exactly what to look for at Goodwill and thrift stores. Developing a good eye goes a long way

Christie

You sound adorable and funky in a sweet way. Why change? (My mom is a retired-pastor's wife, BTW.) Maybe just add a structured blazer or simpler jewelry for church?

Just keep it modest and vintage-modern at the same time, and it sounds like you will still look like you.

I'm a homeschooling SAHM to four ... waving hello! (I just broke my Leechblock by using a different browser to get here! I use the computer too much and can't very well teach self-control if I don't have it myself! Love lingering at this website! :D)

Michelle

(website)

Veteran

I echo the sentiment expressed here earlier...don't suppress your personality! If you do that, you won't feel either stylish or confident no matter what you choose to wear. A persons fashion choices must be an accurate form of self-expression, first, last and always. The guidelines you have set down for yourself sound entirely reasonable for a person in your position in the community, and this blog is rife with examples of ladies who look modest, timeless and terrific. That said, you do still have youth on your side, and I'd be very surprised if your congregation frowned upon you for dressing your age. Quirky individual touches to your look would, to me, make you seem genuine and approachable -- not materialistic in the least!
Angie's advice is right on, as usual -- posting a picture here would enable us all to help you in more detail. Based on what you've described, though, it sounds like you're in far better shape than you think!

DanaLynn

There will always be people who think that because you dress well you are materialistic. If you know that you have balance in your life then don't let it bother you. It sounds as though you set budgets and stick to them. If you have a discerning eye and can find the gems in thrift stores then you shouldn't be embarrassed to show them off.

Like others said- you should embrace your youth. I'm sure they didn't hire a young pastor with a young family hoping that they would act like they were 65. Perhaps they were looking for some youthful enthusiasm and color. I say "go for it"! Have fun and be you.

anne

Veteran

Welcome!
I have been pondering your question all morning, and also about the broader issue of how a Christian (not specifically a pastor's wife) should approach clothing and fashion. PM if you (or anyone reading this thread) would like to discuss this further

Churches can be so different and I have never been in one where the congregation is much older, but I would tend to agree that they knew you were young and so it is okay to behave a bit younger !
In the meantime, I think the other posters have some great points and that you are on the right track.

Anonymous

Thanks so much for all of your kind thoughts. On another note, I was looking at my shape as I got dressed this morning. My measurements indicate that I'm an hourglass, with shoulders and hips exactly the same and waist 9" smaller. But when I look straight on in the mirror, my shoulders appear to be a bit wider than my hips. Does this mean I should dress for the inverted triangle shape?

Queen Mum

Veteran

Hi Shabby and welcome! Congratulations to you and your husband on his new position. I hope it is a great experience for your family.
Every congregation is different, so it is hard too give feedback without knowing yours. Here in my non-denominational California church, the pastors wives are free to dress as they feel suits them. I don't perceive any unspoken rules or expectations. In a more formal church, it could be quite different.
I agree with those who have said that you are young and shouldn't feel the need to dress a decade older just because you are the pastor's wife. In fact, set the tone for being hip and stylish. The other ladies could be encouraged to have fun with fashion as well.
Anne- you bring up a topic that I wrestle with constantly...

rosee

Veteran

Welcome to the forum. And congratulations to your family for your new position.

The advice above is really good, so there's not much to add to it. Definitely look up the posts on your body type and wardrobe capsules -- that's very relevant to having a stylish wardrobe.

With regards to dressing for your position as a pastor's wife, as already said above, keep it modest and tasteful but do express who you are too. Much of this will depend on your community, but being authentic is more often than not appreciated. I attend a conservative parish often, and the women are dressed modestly (no skirts above the knee, nothing low-cut or tight) but very stylishly. It's not why I go there, but I do like seeing all the funky shoes and accessories they wear. I'm pretty new here too, but this forum sounds like a great place to get advice. Another thing to look up: try googling "modest fashion", you should get all kinds of blogs, I know there are many.
This link is geared to younger women but the rules are good guidelines to follow in general for women attending church services (to your interpretation, of course):

http://affiliate.purefashion.com/modesty

Lynne

Veteran

Welcome, other-Angie!

You have lots of good advice above, and I would definately recommend thinking in terms of capsules - a church capsule, a casual capsule etc. The pastors wives I have known are all incredibly different, and that is an assett to any organization, so do be yourself, within the context of your congregation.

I haven't done a lot of thrifting but have recently started looking in consignment stores, and I agree with looking for higher end items. The staff might even watch for things your size if you get to know them? And maybe there will soon by a YLF swap meet in your area :)?

Again, welcome; you'll have a ton of fun here :).

rosee

Veteran

... another note: with thrift or consignment stores, I try to hit the ones in more affluent areas, as I've found that you can get some real deals on barely-worn good quality stuff (good labels too, but I only look at labels in comparison to quality). Enjoy the hunt!

Arya

(website)

Hello and welcome! As a PK (that's "preacher's kid" for those who may not know), I grew up "under the church's gaze", if you will, and watching my mom struggle with some of the same questions you pose here. Which, if I may be so bold, seem to be more about how you will "be" with the congregation than what you will wear in front of them. Since clothing can be such a great identifier, it makes sense to strongly consider your clothing choices. I'm sure you'll find lots of great insights here, as the participants on this forum and kind and inspired!

Here's my advice (with the understandable caveat that all churches are different):

Dig deep into your heart of hearts to get to the nugget of who you are, and who you want want to become, without any reference to other people's expectations, and use *that* as your inspiration for how to dress. Of course, you may want to take modesty, cultural norms, etc. into consideration when you employ your style, but remember that being the preacher's wife is a relationship, not a job.

When I let my outfits be a true expression of myself, I know that not everyone will like them, any more than everyone might like me. I choose to feel as genuine as possible in my personal expression through clothing, and trust that - whether someone likes my clothes or not - people will want to get to know me as a person, rather than a hanger.

Here's an anecdote from my experience: My mom always felt pressure to host ladies' coffees, etc., but she's extremely introverted and found it painful to even attend, let alone plan and host, such events. She finally let go of the pressure she put on herself to be what she *thought* the congregation wanted or expected her to be as the minister's wife. Then she was able to be more genuine and confident with everyone, because she was being true to herself! Nobody complained, and in fact other ladies, more extroverted ones, got the chance to host as a gift to the community. Everybody won!

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

(Looks like I'm stalking you Arya, I just posted a comment on the thread you started. I am not )

Hello shabbychick,
The reason I'm chiming in is not particularly constructive. Apart from saying welcome and thank you for sharing your dilemmas with this community, which I'm sure will give valuable guidance, I just wanted to say how wonderful it is that there are people like Arya who offer a different, in a way - insider, perspective on your style/styling dilemma.

Christie

Oooh, I like the idea to wear fun shoes! I love thrifting and find even brand-new shoes at my Goodwill.

Good points about the denomination and locale, as both do dictate levels of formality.

Anne and QueenMum, I'm so interested in what you're pondering, curious if its the same things I ponder. Care to start a new thread?

Anonymous

Wow, you all are so helpful and encouraging! I will clarify that we are an Independent, Fundamental Baptist Church. I do have a very strong sense of "self" and know what I like, so that isn't a problem at all. I just wanted validation that it's truly okay to be the same STYLISH me in this ministry. I do take our position very seriously, and I don't want to seem vain or too much into fashion, because I'm not. But fashion is a part of me. The people here are very sweet and wonderful in every way, and I don't believe they would look askance at my wardrobe choices, but I want to make sure that I'm not giving the wrong impression as a Christian. For instance, I had a pair of red patent leather peep-toe demi-wedge heels that I LOOOOVED....but once I knew my husband was going to be a pastor I gave them up. I don't regret that decision, because I think they would be too racy for me now (but if they were in a different color, I so would have kept those babies!!!) I also wasn't sure that the costume/junky/vintage jewelry that I love so much is polished, classy and grown up enough for me now. I suddenly became very conscious of "all eyes on me". I had an Interior Design and Antiques business before we came here called 'ShabbyChick' (hence, my name) so I do love antique jewelry, big bold rings and bracelets. It's a fine line between funky/fashionable and GAUDY, which I do not ever want to be! As a side note, I am a very outgoing person who loves having ladies over for fellowships, it's one of my favorite parts of the ministry!

Do you all have any advice regarding the body shape question I asked above?
I'm still a bit confused about that. Thanks a bunch!

rosee

Veteran

It would be hard to determine if you are an hourglass or inverted triangle without seeing a photo (unless your measurements were very distinctive).

here are some links:

http://youlookfab.com/2010/05/.....type-2010/

http://youlookfab.com/2010/05/.....type-2010/

Anonymous

What does it mean to have distinctive measurements? My shoulders and hips are exactly the same and my waist is 9" smaller. I do have broad shoulders and a "ghetto booty"...lol. I looked at the links you posted. I don't have slender limbs (inverted triangle), I am curvy all over. Smallish wrists and ankles, big calves, chunky thighs, bigger upper arms. If I had to compare myself to someone it would be Christina Hendricks from' Mad Men', only shorter and chunkier (I wear a 14, sometimes 16, XL tops due to DDD bust!!!). So I guess that is an hourglass???

Joy

Veteran

Welcome ChurchAngie, you've received much great advice. It sounds like you are an hourglass but may have other figure tendencies to consider. You will also see manyu examples here of women who dress modestly but stay true to their fashion persona.
I'm guessing that you will want capsules in your wardrobe that are appropriate for funerals and weddings, as well as regular services.

Anonymous

Yes Joy, the capsule thing is definitely something I'd like to do. Right now I'm on the hunt for a black sheath dress that is nearly to my collar bones on top, a few inches below the knee, jersey knit. This would suit me well for both funerals and weddings, and is versatile and CLASSIC! I just don't want to spend $100 or more for it. My shopping is so choppy and haphazard, sometimes I can only buy 1 or 2 things at a time, due to finances and what is available at Goodwill. It would be so nice to have the ability to go out and buy an entire capsule at once. It's going to be a challenge to build my wardrobe up.

Joy

Veteran

With your love of vintage jewelry I think you can have lots of fun with a great basic sheath. You might also consider navy or charcoal if those colors go with your coloring. I have two black sheaths as you describe from the Goodwill, one hitting at the knee and one just below, so they can be found. However, because you are likely to get lots of wear out of this piece and want to feel fab wearing it, consider investing a little more in the right dress (or maybe a suit that you can also wear as separate pieces, pairing the jacket with a jean skirt or skirt with other jackets.) These are timeless if you like the style and can serve you for years.

rosee

Veteran

...by "distinctive" (not the best choice of words, I admit) I meant that your shoulders were larger than your hips (IT), or that your shoulders were equal to your hips (HG). It sounds like you are more of an hourglass though, but consult with those who know better than I do.
A sheath dress sounds like a great idea -- but don't limit yourself to black. I picked up a navy one at a thrift store that I really love. Get 2 or more colors if the dress really suits you. Etsy necklaces would look really good with them...

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

shabbychick, do you mind me suggesting something? If you struggle with defining your bodytype which really is a basic for starting the style overhaul/definition/direction, I fully respect you might be reluctant to post a photo here, but what you can do is post a photo to some temporary location outside YLF, crop it so your face does not show and wait until you have unanimous decision what BT you are. Then you can remove the photo (or the link to it, you can edit all you posts up to two days since posting them I think).
Just a thought.

Anonymous

It's not that I necessarily mind posting a photo, I'm just not computer savvy enough to even know how! Lame, I know. If you all can look at me and know what my body type is, why can't I? I really and truly think I'm an hourglass because of my measurements, but my waist isn't as waspish as I'd like (is it ever, ladies?). Too many kids, too many carbs and so forth....

But if it's all about the measurements, I have to be an hourglass.

I love the idea of getting sheaths in navy, charcoal and black! Now I have to find one that is modest to my standards and hope it comes in 3 colors....grrrrr....sometimes I hate fashion. Anyone sew???? Me either...sigh

HeleenH

Veteran

You could also look through all the post in this section untill you find one or more persons who look pretty similar to yourself. I know I find it difficult to determine my own body type but find it easier to determine other peoples body because I don't get lost in the bodyparts that I don't like as much as I probably should.

Anonymous

Heleen, that is a great idea!! Going to look now...thank you!

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