Owning it - the indefinable third element? - YouLookFab Forum

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Owning it - the indefinable third element?

catgirl

Veteran

I've been pondering Suz and Janet's recent threads and wondering if "owning" a look is what creates that indescribable magic when it's all perfect. One element is the outfit itself, the second is how it works on you, and the third intangible ingredient is that feeling of "I am rocking this look!" That brings it all together.

At least for me, I know there are looks I could wear and objectively look great without feeling like I own them, because for me looking fab is not enough to bring it on. Bodycon, for example - I just can't own it, no matter how good it looks.

What do you all think?

Dressing

31 replies

Latest reply was from Janet

viva

Veteran

I think this is really true, this third element. I used to love my figure because pretty much everything that I like fits well. (I should be clear: not everything works! Nothing body con, nothing that needs curves. Because I have no curves.) But that led to all sorts of problems because I bought a ton of stuff simply because the outfit was great and it fit. But that is really not enough! Where I am right now is really trying to define my sweet spot -- my "rocking it" spot. I feel like I have a lot of things that are great and work on me, but don't rock. Identifying the rockers is going to be a challenge.

rae

(website)

Veteran

Especially coming from the perspective of Dress for Success and from the styling I've done this year, I think you are absolutely right. I would say "owning" the look is some wonderful combination of confidence and chemistry. Some things look great objectively but don't make you feel like a million bucks. And some things make you feel downright hawt but don't feel like "you" at the end of the day. The best looks have the magic chemistry with what's inside.

Of course there is a "fake it till you make it" component when something is outside the comfort zone but beloved enough to be worth the experiment. And either you end up owning it or not...

Aziraphale

Veteran

Yes, I agree. What you say really rings true for me. If I don't feel like the outfit is an outward reflection of how I see myself on the inside, I don't own the look -- even if it's objectively flattering.

Good observation.

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

Is it rude to quote myself? Here's what I said after the Flavia-challenge some weeks ago:

"I do think it's the intention directed into the choice of something which essentially helps to own the look. This is the key to wearing it confidently, which in turn projects that effortless vibe we keep getting back to.

Therefore

intention --> own --> effortless

Una, I think that your example of wearing bodycon, or not, is perfectly reflected in Claire's insight:

I think that careful curating paves the way to effortless dressing because the work has all been done on the front end.

MsMary

Veteran

Yes! Although I am generally not a fan of the concept of "age appropriate dressing," the few times I have really felt like I was not "owning it" have been times when I felt my outfit or some component thereof was too young-looking for me.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Well....I think there's something true in what you're saying.

But here's a wrinkle. One of the reasons that I posted the two outfits I posted for comparison was: they involved similar elements (skirt, sweater, boots). They were both monochromatic (roughly speaking). They both involved either fluid or oversize fit. They were both reasonably flattering (I thought).

AND...when I wore each one, I felt like I was rocking it!!

Yet afterwards, considering the photos, I still felt one was objectively better or perhaps I should say, more HARMONIOUS with me than the other. Which, now that I think about it, isn't necessarily better -- but tends to create a more pleasing impression to others -- and the balance of votes seemed to confirm that.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Exactly, Una. That's why I am constantly asking my clients to road test looks and report back to me how the outfit makes them feel. We know it looks good. BUT HOW DO YOU FEEL WEARING IT?

In the same breath, you also need to try new things - a few or a lot of new things. Some new outfit elements will feel "normal" very fast, while others will never feel right. It's a constant re-adjustment and batting for both teams.

catgirl

Veteran

Ornella, I should have known you had this pegged! Everyone should quote you!

Beth Ann

Veteran

I understand this concept through my peforming, mostly, Una. Choosing repertoire is definitely a huge part of creating good art. I can't just choose based upon my "vocal instrument." I must find a way to connect to and share what I'm singing.

I'm starting to feel the same way about what I wear -- something can be beautiful and even flattering, but I don't feel "at home" when I wear it.

In the last 2 weeks, I've gone from contentment with my closet to hating everything I wear. I think I'm learning that this sometimes represents changes inside --- a shift in my personal life that predates a style shift.

I feel a purge coming on.............

deb

Veteran

I totally agree with you, Una. In my younger years I felt I 'owned' most of what I wore. As I age, I find it more difficult. Why? I do not know. I think it would be just the opposite.

catgirl

Veteran

Interesting, Deb. I know for me as I've gotten older I'm a bit more fearless but also more conscious of being a professional public persona as well as a mom and wife. I would like to think I am above those concerns but I realize I'm not. Not to mention that the "look cute in any old thing" factor is slipping away! But fortunately it is at least being replaced by an actual sense of style.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

That is indeed very interesting, Deb. I wonder if that will change with continued participation here -- or if it is a function of environment.

Like Una, I find the reverse. But I never felt I owned ANY look in the past. So there was only one direction to go!

Alassë

Veteran

I agree, Una, Thanks for another thoughtful thread.

Threadjack: Beth Ann, I'm sorry to hear that you're hating everything in your closet. Can you elaborate/start another thread about it? (If you want to.) We'd love to explore how you might be shifting with you.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

That's probably why I can get away with so many whackadoodle looks. I just embrace them wholeheartedly.

E

Veteran

Definitely Una! I love what Angie said too, about how what we 'own' can change over time. I think that's what we're talking about with the happiness factor too.

Beth Ann, I hope everything settles soon. I hate that feeling. *hugs*

cciele

Veteran

Yup, I totally agree too about the owning it thing. It all comes across in your attitude and posture, probably people pick up on it subconsciously, how you feel in an outfit.

Like Suz and Una, I think I've become more fearless with age. Probably because I care less about what other people think!

Gigi

Veteran

Una, I think you are spot on. I noticed some of this when I first started my style journey. There are certain styles that I look really great in, but I don't like those styles. Looking good and having everything fit perfectly isn't enough to "do it" for me. It's being able to put the outfit on and say, "Yes! This is me, and this outfit makes me FEEL great!" that brings everything together.

Eliza

Veteran

For me, the owning it part is crucial. I have put together some great outfits that never make it out the door, in spite of being conventionally flattering and containing quality pieces that I enjoy in other contexts. They might be too high contrast, too "look at me", or in some other way "just not me". Translating the "not me" into specific descriptors (courtesy of YLF), is saving me a lot of time, closet space and cash.

Sarah A

Veteran

I rarely feel i have the words to add deep thoughts to these types of posts, by the time i have considered the topic enough to form a conclusion the post is way beyond bringing back with a comment.... but I think i get a lot out of reading and pondering such things. i think this is hitting right on your "authentic" line of thought as well. Thanks for the food for thought.

Caro in Oz

Veteran

What Angie said, especially the adjustment part. We change & fashion changes. How I feel wearing something is just as important as how it looks for me. That's why all the rules for body type have never worked for me - they put me in pencil skirts & heels which is so not me.

Sara L.

Veteran

I agree completely. I think that's why sometimes the photos we take and post don't always tell the whole story. You can't always tell how good an outfit makes a person feel. I'm sometimes disappointed in my photos because I remember the outfit as looking and feeling great but the outfit looks just so-so in the photo. I think it's the "owning it" element, the swagger, not coming through in the photo.

Deborah

Veteran

I wonder if how I feel in an outfit isn't in fact the most important element? I know I can do a corporate pencil skirt/jacket outfit with the best of them, BUT I don't feel good in it. The intangible element is one of the things that makes dressing and outfit construction so much fun...I think. Because style is fluid and ever changing, could it be the intangible element that is the constant.

Edit: Popped back to say I also feel that in my 40's I 'own' my look so much more than say in my 20's and 30's. Part of that is that I was mainly wearing what I liked on other people in those decades, now I wear what I like on me. My confidence is more so and my care factor (in terms of others judgement on what I wear) is almost zero

DonnaF

Veteran

Yup; a missing third element can lead to closet orphans. At one point, I bought that Bailey 44 bandage dress at Anthro and the similar VC bandage top. Although DH and super critic DD said they both looked great, bodycon.is.just.not.me. I'm finally buying layering Ts in the right size instead of too big. Sexy is not one of my style descriptors.

But sometimes we have to ignore that third element if we have to wear an actual or symbolic uniform for work. Now that I'm older, I feel like I have more leeway in how I dress, but I remember when I was starting out in the Dress for Success '80s that I felt like I had to dress Oh So Conservatively in order to be taken Seriously as an attorney and not be dismissed as young support staff. I was not in Big Law, and women do not dress quite as conservatively now, but if I were a young graduate starting out now I would still probably err on the conservative side to give me more gravitas.

BTW, a significant amount of me is Modern Classic, but tough quirky stuff sets my heart a-flutter. I can hardly wait until my two tattoo patterned belts arrive. Not sure that I would wear either in front of current or prospective clients, however.

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Definitely for me. I can try on a stack of things I like in theory, but until I see them on me I don't really know if they work or not. Not in terms of fitting, which I can judge decently without trying, but if they are "me," whatever that is!

anne

Veteran

Just another "wow this is an interesting thread" and "thanks to everyone who has posted.

Adelfa

Veteran

When I was in college I had an ultra stylish friend and she used to talk a lot about "if you think you can wear it" and I had no clue what she was talking about. Over 30 years later I think I'm starting to get it. When I moved last month, I purged some clothing items. Now that I'm here I've done a secondary purge--and there was only good stuff left to purge. Good in that it fit, looked good on me, and was good quality. But it was stuff that on whatever level I didn't want to wear or didn't feel good wearing. My wardrobe is getting pretty small now and close to everything I love wearing. I'm getting the difference between "I love it" and "I love wearing it."

rachylou

Veteran

Well, I have to agree that ability to *own it* has a lot to do with success but, well, success doesn't always mean you look better. I mean, I'm an eccentric, and the voom I put out there gives folk the safe-space to appreciate it. I know it. I do it on purpose. But you know... that's still a stuffed animal sitting on top of my head.

Oh sorry. "Spirit hat." Hehe.

... Ok, what I'm trying to say is what we own doesn't always look so good, if you see what I mean. Do you want to be comfortable or do you want to be a star? I think there's always a little bit of a choice like that going on there.

ramya

Veteran

I cannot wear bodycon skirt for the life of me. Similar to really bodycon dress. Now give me skinnies and tee, I am all set :).
A twirly skirt, I am good. A "A-line" dress perfect

Would I look good in bodycon? Maybe yes. Would I be comortable? No.

Do I feel like I own the skinnies look? Nope. I am just comfortable.

I get what Donna F said about dressing a certain way. When I started the current job as the only girl in the office, I tried to dress a little masculine, but that wasn't me. I ended the next few months totally bringing out the feminine style. (Atleast as much as you can in jeans and tops :))

carolbee

Veteran

I think I am starting to "get it" with clothes. I hope I can get to the stage that I always seem have been with my hair. From 30-33 I thought I SHOULD try another style. Once I chopped it off back to short I knew I had "me" back. Since then, more than 20 years, I might have the length on top a bit longer, change the colour but the overall style has stayed the same. This used to worry me as the "experts" always say that if you haven't changed your hair style you are stagnating. I now ignore this - I want to feel like me and don't give a toss what anyone else thinks.

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