I was reading a book by Dr. Wiel and he was speaking about happiness and depression. I am paraphrasing but he said that a person should not describe him/herself as unhappy as that implies that that is inherent to the individual. Rather he suggests "I am not feeling happy" which is less who you are than how you feel at that point in time.

Using that logic, I have too much fat on my body at this point in time but it isn't who I am.

A number of years ago I ran into a former co-worker while out on an errand. He almost ranted about how fantastic I looked and how I had lost weight. He is also very good friends with a friend of mine and was horrified when he found out from her that I had had major surgery less than a month earlier and had been in the hospital for two weeks on a no food restriction. I wasn't insulted at all but can see how he would think I might be.

OK, sorry it took me a while to get back to this. I don't have a ton of time today either, but thank you all for your interesting comments.

I should point out that although it bothers me that we use euphemisms for the word "fat", I'd by lying if I said that I am completely removed from the problem. I prefer to stay at the low end of my natural weight range. I expend a moderate amount of energy paying attention to what and how much I eat, and to getting exercise when I can. I say "moderate" because I really don't sweat it too much, and I'm not much of a foodie. I'm just as happy with a can of stewed tomatoes poured over macaroni noodles as I am with a steak dinner. But if one day I put on my pants and they're too tight, I'll pay more attention for the next few weeks, so they don't get to the point where I can't button them.

I guess it annoys me that I even care. I *should* only care about being healthy, and being healthy IS a genuine motivator to eat well (increasingly so as I age, and watch those around me age and develop illnesses), but still....I'm also motivated by the desire to be thin. And I wish I wasn't. I wish I could let it go. I wish "fat" wasn't such a loaded topic.

I struggle a bit with this. My young DD has started to ask if she is "fat". Realistically, she is not, and I tell her so. But she is at the upper end of let's say "healthy/normal" range (whatever those are), as I was and my mother before me as kids. And if she continues to take after me, her weight will fluctuate and she will never be thin. So I really feel like freaking out and saying "NO! You are not FAT! Never say that!" would be giving the message that fat=bad, which I don't believe. I encourage a healthy lifestyle that includes good body image at any size and there is no fat-shaming in our house. I know the principles but not necessarily how to communicate them to a young girl.

Zap -- I don't think "curvy" is a no-no word; I just think it's a little confusing now that we've started using it as a euphemism for "fat". I would be a more useful word if it just meant that the woman has curves.

Manidipa -- totally agree with what you say about how people use the argument that "fat people cost the healthcare system money". That's ridiculous. First of all, some people are naturally fat. It's how they are meant to be. They eat right and exercise. How do you know which ones are fat because they are naturally so, and which ones are fatter than they should be because they eat too much? Huge suppositions there. And secondly, people have the right to do what they want to do, within the limits of the law. If you want to smoke, fine. It's legal. We all know it's not good for you, but if you're legally allowed to do it, then you still deserve treatment (paid for by the healthcare system) for smoking-related illnesses. Would we deny a skier treatment for a skiing-related injury? Of course not, even though she brought it on herself by skiing. It's a dangerous sport.

Jules, I don't know the answer there, except maybe to tell your daughter that her body is what it is, and every body is perfect. But it's true that your daughter may or may not swallow that, especially as a young teenager.

I think the key to developing body acceptance is having a healthy sense of self-worth and self-respect. How exactly we teach and model these things is part of our job as a mother, particularly the mother of girls! (I have a daughter, too).

Confession: I had a big post but then I deleted it. I feel uncomfortable with the weight topic because I feel like I always say the wrong thing.

Growing up my mom would make me measure my thighs and always comment on how much bigger they looked than the # (and yet kids at school where telling me I was too thin. It was confusing.). So Jules I think you're doing a great job being so concerned about how to go about the topic of weight and understanding with your daughter.

This is a good article on a related subject: not only the word, but the assumptions that go with it.
http://davehingsburger.blogspo.....l.html?m=1

Kari very interesting article! I'm not sure what to say about all of this. People should not be judged on their weight or lack thereof.

This is a hugely loaded term for me, and being fat has been one of the major defining issues in my life. I'll spare you all too much navel-gazing and soap-boxing on the subject, but I am one of those people who is doing my best to reclaim the word "fat" as a neutral descriptor. The judgements implied in the various euphemisms bother me, as do the assumptions that my body size is an telltale indicator of my health status, nutritional habits, and the amount of exercise I get. I will accept the argument that obesity is correlated with many greater health risks, but it does not follow that these correlations mean that every person who has the misfortune to be obese has the same health problems or practices the same behaviours. The converse is true for those who are very thin, of course.

As much as I am trying to practice fat acceptance (or really body acceptance in general), it is a very difficult thing to do, particularly if you have an interest in fashion. We fat women are constantly bombarded with negative messages, it is hard to find clothing that fits let alone flatters, and the loudest message I hear is that I will always be ugly and unacceptable, no matter what I wear or what I achieve, because I am fat. Fighting against this message is at the heart of all my sartorial struggles.

I do try my best to notice when I am falling into this judgemental trap myself, and examine what I am thinking and why. It is hard to be accepting of myself and others when the reality is that I am not happy with my body, but I also know that for me, at least, that learning to accept my reality and work with it rather than continuing to hate myself for my perceived shortcomings is a far more important goal. And avoiding judging others is important to me, too. We all have a right to choose our own behaviour, within obvious legal limits, and we all have a right to dignity no matter how stupid or ridiculous our choices may seem to someone else.

That was an interesting article, and the comment here in this thread just as thought provoking. I don't have a whole lot to add, except this: I often comment in my replies and WIW posts about how I am losing weight. I do this so others understand that comments about fit and changing body type are welcome. My body is becoming new to me, and I don't really know how to dress it, but I worry that without clarifying my active change, people will not say anything, and I won't get the help I'm looking for.
It is SO HARD to say the right thing, that I usually don't. I really feel for people like doctors, stylists, and other people who are professionally expected to comment on the state of another person's body.

Ik's thoughts resonate with me.
And I just have time to say how much I appreciate how thoughtful and kind you all are. I need to spend more time on YLF again - it is amazing that members feel comfortable enough to share such personal feelings and experiences in a supportive environment.

Mander, I wish that I could circulate what you just wrote to everyone in my classes! It so eloquently sums up everything that I'd love to say when people start targeting each other regarding body size. I get that being too slender can be difficult, but, in our society, I truly believe that our current obsession with thinness can make women who wear anything over a size 8 or 10 (!) feel ugly and unhealthy.

I lost weight because my doctor made it clear that it was a case of either dropping 10-15 pounds or having to go on medication for high blood pressure. That scared me enough to cause me to rethink what I was eating and to become more serious about daily exercise. But it surprised and shocked me how many people suddenly took to verbalizing about my changing shape. Other than my BP, I've always been healthy and active and thought I looked just fine in my clothes. To be honest, the only change I see in the mirror these days is a more haggard-looking face; weight loss when you get older can come with that unfortunate consequence.

As we age, it's hard enough to accept all the changes that happen to our bodies without getting caught up in the size of our waists or a number on a scale. It scares me how many women seem to equate their value with their dress size. Bodies come in many shapes and sizes, but the body that I have is the one that I'll cherish because it lets me live the life that I want to lead. I'll gladly accept whatever dress size it requires and dress it with pride.

I haven't read all the comments yet but do intend to.

I am currently fat - not "fluffy", not "sturdy" not "rubenesque" though I am curvy. I am very overweight now but most of my life I have been quite slim. I don't like how I look or feel right now as it is impacting my health, but I need to deal with reality in order to do something about changing it.
That said, I don't like it when people say I am fat - "Thank you, Captain Obvious" - but that is an appropriate word for my condition. I just don't think we need to comment about it in regular social circles. My doctor or my friends who are talking about my struggle with my weight are more than welcome to use the word "fat".
I like Mander's comment about how "fat" needs to be reclaimed as a neutral term again.