“Why is anyone’s weight being discussed at all ?? Especially not by the young woman herself ?”

Because, as you have often commented yourself, clothing works differently on differently-shaped bodies. But actually, I haven’t said anything about her weight, because I don’t know it. My sister cracked me up this trip my guessing my weight around 120. I haven’t been that light since 7th/8th grade. Body weight isn’t the point—shape is. For all I know, she might not have gained an ounce, just changed composition.

What is truly bizarre to me is the way so many people here are equating description with shaming. The only negative thing I’ve said is that her swimsuit top failed her. I have described her lovingly and in familiar terms, but many are so terrified of human bodies that any description at all feels shameful. That is a shame.

What? Of course you've said plenty about her weight. Just not the literal numbers. (Which probably would have been less of a problem, if you think about it.) Please just stop.

Actually, shape isn't the point either--the point is you don't even need to be discussing your niece's body at all unless she specifically asked you to.

You’re missing the whole point , Fashintern . I’m sad this kind of body shaming language is seen as ok here .

At her age she is likely far more tech savvy than any of us. I'd bet she can seek her own advice. Discussing someone's weight gain and cup size is creepy, cringy, objectfying and flat-out disrespectful.

I'll echo everything Echo says above (sorry). It's also crazy-making to flat-out ignore questions people politely pose to you, to see the quality of denial here (you mentioned Freshman 15 and COVID weight gain, then denied having mentioned weight at all). It's so bizarre. But mostly I feel bad about the way you speak about your niece. We're women who deal with this from MEN all the time. And though many of us had mothers (I'd like to say of a certain generation) speak about us in that way, there's certainly no reason for women to do it anymore.

You guys are completely correct. It did not even occur to me to ask her if she preferred standing there with her hands on her chest over playing in the waves with everyone else, as she had been doing. She had on the perfect suit for that.

That’s not the issue. Anyway, I’m done. Nice to be back here.

I’m disappointed too but not for the same reasons as some. Too much unnecessary escalation and too many “ hot” adjectives all around , so that opportunities for a little give and take and conciliation are missed. Forum boundary- defining ( by other than Angie !) is fraught — easy to misremember past “ acceptable” posts that are similar, and exhausting to try to police that or to control anyone’s wording other than ones own.

It’s hard to express caring and sensitivity without, well, being caring and sensitive in response. Finger- pointing, also fraught, could be mild, and not full- on Donald Sutherland in “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”.

I want to think folks mean well all around but don’t always have the time to pause and edit before hitting submit. That’s true for me as well, of course, and I have benefited many times from tolerance.

The conversation has highlighted for me the potential that detailed context might have to be hurtful or invasive.

I can lean towards giving more information than necessary in an effort to clarify and I see that the following sentence was perfectly adequate.

"Does anyone have recommendations for bathing suits for someone in their early 20s with a small frame, large breasts, and some recent weight gain?"

Lusara, dear, I see you trying to help even though I didn’t ask for your assistance in reframing the issue. Many times help is appreciated when someone sees and responds to our need without us having to put the obvious problem into words. To wit: on our first day in Germany, we encountered a young woman and her mother standing at the foot of a broken escalator with a baby in a stroller. I taught my son the words “may I?” so they’d know he wasn’t a kidnapper, but there was no call for detail on baby-carrying; the need was obvious. He asked, she consented, he carried, she beamed and nearly jumped up and down as she and her mother reached the top, where he and the baby were smiling at each other. Difficulties finding clothing cut right for your body can be much more difficult to ask for help with than a straightforward task like carrying a baby; we have seen in this thread that some women consider description of their bodies to be shameful in and of themselves. For many of us, giving voice to difficult issues makes us feel more abject and lost. I know my niece appreciated the funny story about the time I repeatedly had the same issue, and the one link I gave her. It hasn’t been repeated here, so I think some of the others may be better.

Unfrumped, thank you for your insight and care.

Phoebe, the correct amount of detail is tricky to work out. Clearly what I said was too much for some readers, but removing all context can result in snippy comments to Google it yourself. I know that she and her mom have done that. I also know that there are many women here whose figures are similar to hers, although she’s younger, and was hoping for their goodwill.

Well said, Unfrumped. I second that.

Your son asked the woman if she wanted help. You posted an embarrassing story about your niece, and then commented about how much weight she has gained, without ever asking if she wants you to help her because you assume she is too embarrassed about it. Again, why don't you try treating her like the adult she is and ask her if she would like you to help?

I am a bit late to this. But I feel there is an important point , maybe boundary, to point out.

Respectfully , the history of someone's puberty and weight is irrelevant in asking for feedback on clothes and fitting. I am sure that this young woman is keenly aware of the history of her body. What matters is how to dress it now. Today. And her size yesterday or when she was pre-pubescent has no bearing on that now. ( my daughter and her friends would be humiliated at a public post like this about them. I think that's important. )

Example of what doesn't happen:

Sales woman : I recommend Land's End for you.

Customer : I weighed 10 lbs less pre Covid and was really skinny before I "blossomed" as a teenager.

Sales woman : Oh, then I recommend LL Bean.

I think it's just a matter of being cognizant of doing something that may be humiliating to other women, even if we ourselves donºt find it humiliating... Peace.

And I recommend Landºs end. I dress my intellectually disabled sister who is also very large busted. And their bathing suits are AWESOME.

That is beautifully and succinctly explained, Isabel. We all have something to take away from it. Thank you.