I dare you!

When I was on Match.com (back in 1999! it's how I met my husband, actually), I had one guy email to say he wasn't usually attracted to people "in my weight range," but did I want to get together anyway? I emailed him back very nicely and said No Thank You, but judging from his profile, I didn't think he could keep up with me intellectually or physically.

Run! (and I mean that figuratively not literally!!)

Anna, there's this dating coach in Seattle whose website I've been perusing out of curiosity recently Not to recommend this woman for hiring (though you may want to), but just for reading her perspectives on all different aspects of online dating. Her pic is goofy but really, it's all fascinating and very intelligently analyzed:

http://theheartographer.com/

For example, to be more specific, here she briefly goes into some thoughts on online dating infographics:

http://theheartographer.com/wi.....ographics/

Anyway, I'm not single and it's all a fascinating read.

Yeah, send a snarky remark. At first I was stunned, then I chuckled, now I am just disgusted. BMI "requirements".....I hope that whoever thinks he is worth dating has a "decency" requirement. UGH is right !

Howdy! Hah, my picture IS super goofy right now. I put a more normal one here so I wouldn't freak you guys out.

I'm the Seattle online dating coach Mochi mentioned, and I'm happy to chime in and answer any questions that pop up. (You don't need to hire me to ask!)

Short take: the BMI requirements thing is a super douchey statement, but if you think about it, you probably have similarly shallow dealbreakers that just aren't as controversial to explicitly list. Like, you're probably kind of picky about height, body type, and maybe hair/eye color or even race, whether you publicly admit it or not. There's nothing wrong with having those preferences to a certain extent—to each their own; people are allowed to pursue what they're most attracted to—but the act of listing it is what comes off as so awful. That said, most guys don't realize when they're being asses, heh. Most women don't either.

This guy seems not worth your time. But in theory, if everything else about a guy seemed not terrible except this one jaded-seeming picky statement, and you actually fit within his desired BMI range and he seemed to fit within your own attraction standards, I feel like sending a message feeling it out might be worth your while. Something like "so, how many women are excited to go out with you after they read your BMI requirements, and how many tell you to get lost? It's for a research paper I'm writing. :P" You could always see what he came back with, you know? If he's a tool about it, there you go; no time wasted. If he's a little sheepish or guilty sounding, maybe he's just a decent person with a specific attraction profile who's not that good at this whole online dating game. In which case it might be worth getting coffee to see if he seems like he has terrible judgment in general, or just about what he writes in that last OKC section.

Oh, and PS: I really appreciate the possibly accidental candor about my goofy site pic! Believe it or not, having something less formal makes it easier for many potential clients (mostly geeky guys) to feel comfortable reaching out to me for an initial consult—but it's totally a placeholder. I'm working on getting a more professional shot done and my shoot is NEXT WEEK! I'm just as nervous as my clients usually are before their online dating photo shoots.

My actual photo guide is http://theheartographer.com/photos if you wanna, you know, do as I say and not as I do.

Anna, I've got one for you:

I was contacted by someone in California, to say that he would be in my area (Scotland) in a few weeks' time, and was I interested in meeting up?

And then it got weird.

He was married, and was looking for someone to help him "build a parallel life" (his words). He wasn't in the process of divorcing, or interested in ever seeking one. He just claimed to spend half his time in Europe, and wanted to keep someone over here.

What made it even more shocking was that he didn't seem to think there was a problem when I pointed out that 1. I'm not a home wrecker and 2. I deserve better than being someone's bit on the side.

WHAT the....

: )

(I really do love your website, Virginia, and would surely hire you if I were still single!)

Oh, and I was sure your goofy pic was intentional and that there was a substantial method to your madness. And goofy in my book is not a bad thing at all. It's just what it is.

Hi Virginia. I have been told I have a decent profile and good photos. My major problem is getting beyond the first date. Your services do not address that.
Or the case where I rate a guy highly, send him message. Find out he rates me highly but yet doesn't message me or respond to my message.
Plus in all honestly I don't have the time or inclination to school someone on a flawed metric for basically saying no fatties. Even gold medal skier Picabo Street was considered overweight in her prime.

Ugh, that just takes some of the faith out of humanity, doesn't it? :T

I still think dating is a numbers game and a super crappy second job (I really, really, really hated dating, so I hope to high hell DH never leaves me). Guys entirely different from their photos would show up... one brought up meeting his mom on the first date... a friend had a girl cancel because she was "bleeding from the eyes." I hope that helps you remember that it isn't you; it really is them!

Still rooting for you and hope this loser doesn't discourage you.

Ugh indeed. I love karymk's response. One of my friends who is 53 and back on the dating scene (once widowed, now going through a divorce) has some stories that convinced me that I would have a very hard time actively dating if anything ever happened to hubs and me. I don't understand why it seems there is so much ugh out there, but at least it seems many of these guys are showing their true colors early on, sparing you the pain of wasting your time getting to know them.

BMI is a hugely flawed index. Someone truly does need to educate that guy, but I don't think I'd want that responsibility.

Just chiming in with more horror stories:

The number of messages I - and my friends - have received saying things like "You'd be hot if you [lost weight / grew your hair out / shaved your pits / dressed differently / etc.]" was pretty horrifying. I actually starting writing back to say, "You know there's a difference between 'hot' and 'hot to you', right?"

I don't find having the preferences so horrifying, but I do get really ticked off when people assume those preferences are universal.

Anyway, sending much sympathy. The good news is that it only takes one good one - and there are some good ones out there too!

Hm, annagybe, that's good feedback for me—I definitely do address that with clients, but it tends to be specifically with VIP clients since it doesn't make sense to spend loads of time honing your messaging strategy if your base profile and pics are still appealing to the wrong people. That said, I'd be happy to workshop messaging with you; easiest to take this convo out of a public forum though, haha. What I'd want to see is a link/username for your profile, the same for a handful of guys you've wanted to connect with, and the specific text of any messages you sent (along with stuff like timing, info about whether you rated each other, etc.). Feel free to track me down off here to dig into details! I offer a free intro chat for people feeling out my services and it may be the case we can answer your main questions just in that. http://theheartographer.com/messages also might be helpful even though it's kinda geared towards dudes.

Mochi thanks for your goofy vote! I'm big on goofy pics too as they help set you apart from the competition and showcase personality, but it has to be done carefully. You gals are basically amazing market research; I don't mean to be creepy but it's helpful to see how people basically talk about me/my site/my services when they don't think I'm listening because you get a way more honest answer. Kind of like how you'd pick apart a stranger's terrible outfit with more candor than a friend's, right? Anyway, I'm super duper crazy excited for my upcoming shoot, where we'll get a more polished approach to goofiness. Woohoo!

What would "getting past the first date" coaching involve? I haven't looked at the present coach's site.

Kinda depends on the person—usually I want to take a deep look at the communication. Stuff like this:

Are you in each others' phones and address books, and not just communicating via an online dating site or app? Are you overwhelming the person with too-long emails (hah, yes, I totally know I'm guilty of too-long forum posts!) or are you replying really quickly or taking forever to respond?

And how did that date go—where did you go, how do you feel the vibe was, what did you wear, how did you part?

So basically I'm the most nagging annoying mother-friend ever, haha. The more I know the more I can help.

What? In my address book after the first date? Is that a millenials thing?

I kinda mean your digital address book. Like, you're actually texting/emailing "natively," and not just sending OkCupid messages. Even if you save the guy's info as "OkCupid guy named Jason," and even if you use a Google Voice number and/or an alternate email address, it's still important to take the communication off of the dating site as soon as you comfortably can.

Communicating more directly fosters more intimacy, and it also makes him less distractable by messages or winks from your competition.

I exchange a few messages, then try to move soon to meeting the person for real. I know extended messaging does NOT work.

So true, annagbye. That's not to say it's NEVER worked, or it CAN'T work—but it's the wrong idea. It gives you both room to build up this idealized version of each other and then feel disappointed in person when the results don't match up.

Do you message within the service (like OkCupid) or do you take it to texting/email/etc?