Guilt or shame over closet purging? - YouLookFab Forum

Category

General

Guilt or shame over closet purging?

Twinkling

(website)

So over this past year I've been trying to rebuild my wardrobe into something that truly represents me and makes me feel happy. So I was constantly frustrated that more often than not I would come home feeling unhappy, uncomfortable and just plain frustrated.

Last night I completely snapped and I took to my closet. I was ruthless and pulled out EVERYTHING that I don't like wearing for whatever reason, no matter how small. I ended up with a pretty substantial pile and my close is now....pretty sparse (strangely I notice I got rid of none of my coats).

I look at this pile and I feel sick. Deep down I feel like I can't get rid of it all. Logically speaking, because I need things to wear! But more than that, it's the guilt over how much money I've spent on things I don't even like or feel pretty in. Some of the things I pulled out are less than a couple months old, or I've only worn once or twice (though of course tags are removed and it's been too long for me to return anything), and I'd say 90% of everything I bought within the last year. I even have the dress in there I wore when my fiance proposed to me last October and I feel absolutely horrible when I look at it for wanting to give it away.

I feel so conflicted. On the one hand I'm tired of staring at a closet full of clothes but constantly feeling like I have nothing to wear. On the other hand, I'm filled with such guilt and shame whenever I look at the pile of clothes I wasted so much money on (or throwing away important memories in the case of my engagement dress). I don't exactly make a lot of money and I try to afford the highest quality that I personally can, so I can't help but feel so stupid for buying things that were such a flop.

I know closet cleaning is highly recommended for everyone, and I wonder if you wonderful ladies would care to share your own experiences??

General

24 replies

Latest reply was from donnat

Diana

Veteran

I find doing a big all-over purge kind of overwhelming, so generally I stick to one or two categories at a time. I also have a "holding zone" - basically a bag in my closet where i chuck the things I want to sell/donate, and I'll keep it there until it gets full. (Things that are obviously broken or dead I just throw in the trash.) In the meantime, I can pull things back out if I decide I want to keep them after all; and if I haven't thought to do that by the time the box is full, it's a pretty good bet I won't want it ever.

I do keep sentimental items. I have an old suitcase in my closet full of them.

You should also consider trying to sell, either through ebay or consignment, some of the better quality, newer things. That softens the blow for me considerably, because at least I get some money back.

Anonymous

I did closet purges like you describe twice in my life. In my case, it needed to be done. The clothes did not match my climate, life style, or the image I wanted to project. For me, it was cathartic. I was literally shedding a skin so that I could grow into something better.

I did feel overwhelming guilt about the money that had been spent (wasted) on articles of clothing that did not make me feel fabulous. Someone much wiser than me pointed out that those costs were already spent. There was no use crying over spilt milk. I could learn from my mistakes and build a much better wardrobe in the future.

I wanted them gone. They felt like an anvil around my neck.

Other women on the forum might have different advice. I would listen to them rather than me because my two closet purges also coincided with major life upheavals and my mindset was probably very different than yours.

Best wishes on your fashion journey.

Isabel

Veteran

Yes. Even with small purges. I feel ashamed that I didn't pay "more attention" to what I was doing. I have learned to "talk" to what I am purging. Hang in there with me......I tell my clothes to go out and make someone else happy and "thanks" for coming through my closet on the way there. It somehow makes me feel better. It is sort of a take on, "Fly, be free."

Then I take my meds. : )

unfrumped

Veteran

I would take the middle road with the holding zone, even if it's a severe holding zone, such as taping things up in boxes.
It can be good to do these big clean-outs, but also can be unwise to make big sweeps when you're feeling very low, or if it makes you feel low.
The benefit of the above approach is it is a form of creating a small capsule wardrobe for the current season, of things you know you love, and put your other things out of sight. If it turns out you've culled a few items you really need to get through the month, you can go pull them out.
There have been some really good posts about having a spare closet "boutique" for a short time in order to help identify how many of what are needed, and the blog about capsule dressing that has only 3 mos of items at a time in closet, and so on. While that was not intended for clothes that you already know make you feel bad, it is an example of how one can develop more wardrobe clarity, focus and style without putting everything in the trash.

milehighstyle (Linda)

Veteran

I'm very fortunate to have a sweet co-worker who is close to my size (as are her sisters). They buy a lot of my castoffs - I don't charge much - but it helps alleviate the guilt of wasted money. Maybe you could try consigning some of your things? But the bottom line is if they don't make you feel great they have to go.

MsMary

Veteran

When I first came to YLF I had lost a ton of weight and had to replace my entire wardrobe from the shoes up and the skin out. Because I was so thrilled to be able to find clothes that fit, I bought SO MANY THINGS!! I spent SO MUCH MONEY!!

And guess what? I made SO MANY MISTAKES!! A lot of those beautiful and expensive clothes ended up in the "donate" pile before too long. And that went on for several years before I finally had a good workable wardrobe and a handle on my style.

If I wanted to, I could beat myself up about wasting that money, but you know what? I don't think it was wasted. It was just the cost of finding out what I love and what suits me. (Thomas Edison, while struggling to invent the light bulb, is supposed to have said "I have not failed 10,000 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 10,000 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.")

I say bless your mistakes, say good-bye to them, and move on. You might want to take a peek at Marie Kondo's book about tidying up for her take on getting rid of everything you don't love, as well.

always trying

Veteran

IMO you are just overwhelmed right now. Wait a few days, re evaluate and put into another pile like others said, a holding zone. then give the things in the holding zone another look. sort out the sentimentality articles. Emotional attachment is the hardest to purge. For me it are thing that were expensive gifts. Here is what I do next, although I only do small purges, I put aside anything that fits well, are nice colors, etc. but maybe I have been styling them wrong.

Take photos of these holding zone articles, post on here things like how to style them etc. Also take some time to look at blogs, pinterest, and such for inspiration as to how to style them.

Also you may take a look at your purge pile and analyze what these things have in common as to why they are not your style, or why they do not work for you. One other bit of advice that works for me-don't even give a second look to things with bad memories attached to them. I think we all have some emotional attachment to many things in our closets.

unfrumped

Veteran

I love what MsMary posted.
I was not trying to get you to hold on to things that are bad for you or to reinforce guilty feelings over $ spent. I just this week am considering tossing out a top I've never worn because I try it on and say, what was I thinking?!

But, if you are anxious about whether you might not be able to replace things right away and need a few more items, there is a way to deal with that and have "placeholder" items that aren't just right but are right enough until you can find something better.

I think there is so much hype about "love" and perfect wardrobes that we might put pressure on ourselves that we would never ever have a day when we were not 100% elated over our outfits! That hasn't proved to be a realistic approach, IMO, and can lead to a kind of restless dissatisfaction, including negative body talk, instead of a more pragmatic approach.

qfbrenda

Veteran

I love that Thomas Edison quote!

I totally understand. I had a pretty easy time getting rid of things that don't work until my hubby found out how easily I got rid of things. He was very offended over what he saw as wasted money. And to a point, he was right. I didn't waste it on purpose... but it was money spent that I wasn't going to get back.

But sometimes life is like that. We buy food, do the best we can to eat it, and sometimes it still goes bad on us. We try to fix a car, redo the brakes, a broken window, tune the engine... and then the transmission goes and the engine blows up. Sometimes you just have to let it go.

So I do the best I can to not waste money. And I have to admit I've taken to buying more used clothing items to reduce the risk of "wasting" money we don't have. But if a clothing item just isn't working, holding onto it isn't going to help.

I do recommend a holding zone for a period of time. I have had a few things I regret getting rid of in a fit of "I have too much stuff!" If I had put those things in a safe place for a couple of months, I would have made a different decision. But your mileage may vary.

Last thought... I don't know your financial situation, but I have 5 boys to feed and raise on a single not-super-high income. Sometimes a big qualifier for something staying in my closet is, "it's paid for". I know that might be not popular around here and I do my best to have clothes I love. But when it's a decision between upgrading to a better pair of jeans or feeding the boys, I wear the jeans I already have.

Jules

Veteran

If you are donating the items, I think it is actually better to donate while they are current and in good condition. Holding on to things for years doesn't do you any good unless you wear them, and happily.
Like Diana I keep some sentimental items, maybe just to show my kids someday. Allowing myself to do that made getting rid of other stuff easier.

cjh

(website)

Veteran

I don't have much more to say in the way of advice that's not a repeat of try a "holding zone", it's not a waste if you learn something, ask for help in styling orphans or questionable items, or some times of life are better or worse for closet cleanouts. So here is my experience.

Currently my closets are fuller than I would normally wish, mostly because besides mostly liking my wardrobe, we live in the Midwest which has about 9 different climates from one end of the year to the other - yes, I think only Jan-Feb and July-August are the same as each other month-wise -, I work full time, love casual clothes more, and plan to retire in the near future. Therefore I can't purge out work clothes or casual clothes and I need lots of seasonal choices and layers. This is complicated by the fact that I own two extra closets and two extra dressers in my grown daughters' ex-bedrooms.

However, when I find an item that no longer works, fits, or is outdated and I can no longer style, it goes right into the donation basket - no lingering around to take up space. Instead of giant purges, the daily/weekly method is more my method, so perhaps alleviating giant guilty episodes? Good luck - and remember (not to be trite, but) time heals all wounds.

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

Ms Mary, you rock! This is the best thing: aknowledge your mistakes, learn from them and move on! The most important thing is not to repeat mistakes again: if this is acomplished then it is a win, not a fail.
Twinkling, you are in a very hard place now: you are not happy when wearing those things and not happy when considering to get rid of them. But guess what: the unhappines from getting rid of them will be gone pretty soon after they are out of your sight (one way or another). On the other hand the unhappiness from wearing them will be with you as long as you own them. Looking at things this way should make it easier for you to make a decision.
One suggestion: try to turn the "purge" process into an education. Go carefully over each item you are not feeling fab in and try to understand why. I think it is the most important part of the good purge: to understand why things do not work so you won't make the same mistakes. You may also find out that some things make you unhappy because they are not styled right so there maybe a salvation for them after all.
These are my main categories for purging:
1. Past their prime - the easiest one. If I still like them I may demote them to home wear / gardening / etc.
2. Fit problems. Some of them can be slavaged with alterations. It is amazing how quickly an outfit can go from drab to fab when everything fits right.
3. Quality is not tnere for you. For me this is is the biggest deal breaker and a lessn I learned. Now I don't get something if I am not liking the quality even if the price is good: not worth it!
4. Orphans. You just don't know how to wear this and therefore you don't or if you do you do not feel fab. For this category I sugegst to use this forum by posting pictures. This group of ladies is amazing in their ability to sort out these things! Who knows: your orphans can turn into real winners with the right styling!
5. Outdated items - this is when items are still in a good condition and fit well but they just do not look current. Again - use the forum help to identify those. Sometimes it is possible to style them to fabness by adding more current pieces to the mix. Worth a try!
6. Items which do not flatter your body type. Again there maybe some tricks which may help - post those too.
7. Items just do not mesh with your style. This is the most difficult category because it is not obvious. Those may be good candidates for ho;ding zone if the quality and fit are good in case your style shifts (or you are still discovering it).

So I would say if items fall into ##1 and 3 then get rid of them without regret.
For #2 consider alterations (we have some gifted seamstresses on the forum so if you post pictures they can help to assess if alterations are an option).
For ##4-7 - I ecourage you to post pictures for help here! Just do not put more that 2-3 items into one post or it becomes overwhelming to respond. This forum was the best tool for me in honing my wardrobe and my style - I could have never be where I am now without Angie and YLF ladies!

Good luck!

Sveta

(website)

Veteran

Want to add: I really get the guilt and shame thing! I came from a very frugal background and could not imagine to get rid of something if it was servicable. It took me some time and will power to convince myself that how I feel in my clothing is more important than how much money I spent on them and now it is a much easier process to me.

celia

Veteran

Purging is indeed cathartic, and clothes seem to be particularly so because we can charge them with emotions , with parts of us that we want to get rid of. And probably like those same pass qualities we look at the amount of clothes we want to purge and think ' so much wasted money/time '.
I have done this is the past and I also felt guilty about it, and I feel that we have to feel a little bit of guilt of we still want to be realistic instead of just wishing that everything would turn perfect like in a fairy tale.
Purge what you really have an aversion for, items that really depress you, put on a holding zone what is not perfect but might be wearable, and keep good memories even if you wouldn't use them again.

Anonymous

I had to purge some shoes due to foot problems. I felt horrible, but my feet won't let me wear them anymore. Worse, I need to shop for some new dress shoes that won't aggravate my toe pain.

MsMaven

Veteran

I understand your feelings. I was raised by parents who lived through the Depression and WWII, and were extremely careful not to waste anything. They were also bargain hunters to the death. So I still feel cheered to find a bargain and frequently buy something on sale I wouldn't buy at full price, so I have too many so-so clothes.

I haven't read Marie Kondo's book, but have read many articles based on it. Last night I realized that two tops I loved last year aren't giving me any joy this year, and a nice pair of shoes still hurt my toes (and don't go with my current pants.) With a twinge I put them into the donate bag.

I do try to learn from mistakes. Another factor this year is growing out hair from blonde/brown tones to gray. I find a lot of my brown toned clothes now make me feel depressed. I wish I could do the "one in-one out" rule, but I have a hard time with that as well.

So I have conflicting feelings, but it doesn't do me much good to wear clothes I don't like any more. I do keep trying to be more selective in my buying.

Anonymous

Although my parents lived through the Great Depression, my mother always said, "There's no economy in buying cheap stuff or in buying clothing that's just going to hang in your closet and not get worn." So while she always looked at the clearance rack first to see if she'd get lucky, she did buy quality and did not succomb to the "got it cheap, so look how much $ was saved" mentality.

Eliza

Veteran

Twinkling- you ask good questions and a lot of us have been there. I am glad to read others responses; they are helpful.

Maybe try a "reverse purge". Pull out what you do wear and like; the things you gravitate to and enjoy. See how it feels to work from that group for a bit. Are there holes in terms of outfit creation? Then try shopping your closet options for a top to wear with your favorite pants. Take pictures of outfits that work and make you happy. Sometimes it helps to make it about noticing what works and building on it, rather than to focus what needs to go.

Once you have played this out for awhile, you may feel better and more empowered. For a completely different reason, I had to set up a relatively small, rolling clothes rack in my bedroom to use as my base of operations for a few months. It was so liberating to work from a smaller group of options, without being distracted by my entire "collection". That experience has grounded a recent, very large closet purge. I knew that I was fine without the pieces I was passing on, and it helped me see that much of what I was eliminating were never really "me", but rather me in a moment. A very short moment in some cases...

All the best. Sometimes I look at the cost of my misfit clothes as tuition in fashion school.

Anonymous

Eliza, I've paid for fashion school tuition many times over, lol. I hate to get rid of stuff that I love and can't wear due to discomfort, though. My feet were fine when I bought the shoes. Like the insurance commercial says, "Life comes at you fast." I didn't foresee more foot problems.

rachylou

Veteran

Oh, situations you know - they sometimes change drastically. I'll tell my old story again about becoming type 1 diabetic... which is a matter of starving to death before you actually croak of dehydration - unless you get insulin, and then it's *whatever*... In any case, I dropped a HUGE amount of weight in about two weeks. My entire wardrobe was laid to waste. I was in tears because I felt I couldn't even leave the house because I couldn't keep my pants up. And the money to replace it all at once... yeah, not possible.

On the other hand, taking control of my closet and sorting it out... extremely therapeutic... and a lot of fun.

So... I don't know. I look at your purge sitch and see revolutionary change...

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

The strategies that have helped me with the whole closet sort issue are similar to what Sveta posts.

I get rid of items that:
- Are worn, stained, torn, damaged. Oddly this isn't as easy as it seems. Because if the item is damaged it means I've worn it a lot and loved it. So I have to say good-bye.
- Don't fit well. I can still make mistakes in this category even though I have become more aware of proper fit. If the item is made well and from a sought-after brand, I will post the item on eBay. If it's not something I can sell for $10 or more on eBay, but still wearable, I'll put it in the donate pile. I have little guilt over this category. Sometimes you don't know how the item will fit until you've worn it a few hours or a day, so the tags have already been removed. It happens.
- Fast fashion / item not up to my quality standards. I can't believe I still get sucked into fast fashion stores and buy low quality stuff. I really try not to do this but I'm human and the loud music, cheap merchandise, and cheerful colors get me. I do feel guilty over the wasted money, even though it wasn't a lot of money.
- Styles that I am moving away from. If the item has retained some value, I will post it on eBay. I tend to put something up for auction while it is still a hot style, because I have learned that by sitting on the piece for another year in case I want to wear it, only means I get less for it or have more trouble selling it. I have no guilt about this, although I might feel a bit of regret as I tend to purge rather quickly.

Looking over my list, yes I can still feel guilt and regret over the whole process but I have less of it than before. You're not alone to feel this way!

UmmLila (Lisa)

Veteran

I feel better about taking stuff to consignment than I do about donating. And it's not really because of getting cash instead of a tax deduction. When I have donated stuff to Salvation Army it gets thrown on a big smelly pile in a smelly store and I feel like the poor clothes will not be treated as they deserve. At the consignment store, they are steamed and displayed nicely. I'm happy for them when they make the shop window! Now that I read this I think I might be too emotionally invested in my wardrobe.

Anonymous

After I joined YLF last summer, I did a big, MAJOR purge of my closet, and put into the Salvation Army and Canadian Diabetes Association donate bins probably 15 green garbage bags full of clothes, shoes, bags, you-name-it. Talk about horror, shame and shock. And I'm not even a keeper of stuff! Like you, I had (unfortunately still do) a closet full of perfectly nice things that did not work with anything else, that I never wore, did not need, and many that no longer fit as I seem to be the incredible GROWING monster lately. Anyways - as good as it felt to just get it out of my sight, I decided to just give it away rather than try to sell it , and got some comfort from the fact that I was donating to, and helping causes I believed in. If someone else could benefit , great. Yes, I nearly died from looking at the value of what I was getting rid of, and you know something? Even after nearly a year here on YLF, I'm still far away from buying the right things for myself. I still buy too many things I don't need and never will wear. So what am I saying? I don't really know, other than I know exactly how you feel. It's pretty common .

donnat

Veteran

Wow Lisa, I could have written that, right down to the growing monster.

Twinkling, I don't think you should be too hasty. Don't get rid of too much stuff yet I think, looking at your previous post, you are growing into your sense of style. You have to keep playing with combinations and come up with outfits that you feel confident about.
Really, play in your clothes and take pictures of combinations, we can offer suggestions and help you hone in on what makes you happy and confident.
Purge the stuff, that fits poorly or is worn out. Keep your feminine stuff for now. Figure out how to wear it so you love It again.