I don't blame you -- I could never live in FL (no offense to FL residents -- but my sister lives in coastal GA, practically on the FL line, and I've spent enough time in the state to know its not for me, especially the heat, humidity and BUGS!). I would take Tahoe any day!

It almost seems that if there were a set routine to the moves -- 6 months here, 6 months there -- it would be easier to tolerate. Or if there were an end strategy in sight, and you and your BF decided that this is only going to happen until the end of 2014, or whatever. I can imagine the unpredictability of this leaves you on edge.

I am resisting the idea of even moving out of our house for four months to get some big renovations done, so I can only imagine how hard this is.

Ah. Now I get it

Malina, I stand by your first thoughts. It's a good idea to really understand why BF feels a pull back to FL so frequently. Is it more than the money? What is it exactly? Soul searching time, and no one wants you to be apart! We are here to support you whenever you need it. xo

You have received some great advice. All I can do is offer lots of hugs.

Oh, I feel the pain. You just got to Tahoe and to turn around back... I guess your bf was called back to FL? Yeah, a hash out is in order.

I have to tell you something: My bf is 56 or something like that now. Money is a big deal. He is paid very very well, but he's also unrealistic about what is needed for a comfortable retirement - that can withstand some shocks, like another portfolio crash or a measly week in a hospital. I try to tell him, but he won't listen. He basically plans to drop dead around 70. That's about 15 years from now. Good luck to him on that one. 25 years from now, he'll be in a cardboard box under the freeway and working full time.

Mo, some good advice here already so I won't repeat. I will add that it is harder to find a job at 53 than at 43 (esp. when you still look 23) - so I'd keep that in mind for sure. And self worth is directly tied to many of our careers. That said, you mentioned him wanting to retire soon. I can't imagine how someone 53 could be thinking of retiring unless they were independently very wealthy. People are living into their 90's more than ever and that's a long time to live on "retirement" savings and investments. So that's something else to talk about.

I guess you two can't open your own pub in Tahoe? Just thinking out loud...

I read your post in the mimimalism thread and had to wonder if there is something you could do in FLA to make it more 'home' or comfortable in some way?
Can you live in a town/area that you like a bit better, even if it means a commute for him (maybe he can negotiate working from home some days?). Forgive me as I'm not sure what your job situation is in FLA or why, but IIRC you don't work there - maybe you should, or volunteer? To get you out and meeting people. You're clearly a friendly person with a lot of fun interests!
Maybe considering that FLA *might actually be* a permanent part of your/his life would be a good thing, whatever the results of that consideration are

Hi, Malina. I don't know about others here but I guess, without knowing too much information, that the elephant in the room here is the discussion on how these back and forth moves are affecting your ability to earn your own money, but particularly in the context of your being in a relationship which may be committed on many levels but does not afford you legal protection (unless you'd come under some common-law status). I obviously know nothing but felt I had to say something, because that would concern me if it were my good friend or daughter, for example. That said, of course I still don't have an answer to your particular situation.

It's a thorny problem for sure. I can see why you are less than enthusiastic about another move. I think you've had good advice here already - time for a serious heart to heart with the BF. Realistically you can't be expected to yo yo back and forth on his whims, putting your job prospects and happiness on hold. Obviously there is some reason why he cannot do the job he wants in Tahoe so perhaps the long term solution at least until he retires is to stay in Florida. {{{{{hugs}}}}} try to stay positive.

Diana articulated my thoughts. My biggest worry for you is how isolated your life is in FL. I'm often awe struck at how you take all this in stride.

I was having the same thoughts as Mochi. I totally understand his feeling a need for security, but I worry that you are making yourself really vulnerable. Going back to FLA might be good for the joint finances, but what would happen if the two of you split up?

I'm writing from a slightly cynical place right now - my partner's old friend has been visiting for the weekend. After 23 years of marriage and 17 moves, all for his job, she learned that her husband had been having an affair and wants a divorce. Fortunately they live in a community property state, so at least she is OK financially.

Mo, the advice here, as usual, is excellent. I have to say that I am leaning toward what Sona and Mochi are bringing to light : the legality of your relationship. You are taking some very big hits to your SS earnings as you move around and grapple for jobs. You will not have any legal rights to his SS or retirement funds.

But mostly, it sounds as if you are just tired of it all and spent.

I do want to say that one can chase after better and more all day, but it is what one does with better and more that matters. In other words, you guys turbo save and invest with the earning more job so that you don't have to keep moving.

Take care of yourself.

Woa! Are you serious? I just read your initial post - don't have time to read everyone's comments right now - but my first thought (beyond the initial surprise) is, what kind of relationship do the two of you have? Is this a long-term committed relationship? What about legal issues - insurance, retirement, etc.? Frankly, I would have a very hard time moving back and forth for a BF - heck, I'd have a hard time moving back and forth for a DH, but at least I'd know that with DH, I was not in such a "one-down" (i.e.vulnerable/powerless) position with him. I think that (with a BF) at some point I'd just have to say "no."

I'm brain dead tired from my double but glad to hear all your input. For those worried about my security, we have agreed to get a will lined up finally. Actually the BF brought that up a week ago, before the big phone call. We have mentioned it before, but never got the papers drawn up.
And the tentative plan (if it does happen) is about a year on, a year off. I also expressed the need for my own outlet, maybe a part time job.
It's still all talks for now. Thanks again for the comments.

It's happening. BF flies out in a week. I am staying through Labor Day to finish my season out at my jobs. This is so that I can hopefully return at a later date to them without their feeling I flaked out and left them high and dry.

We are happy and trepidatious both. We discussed the bottom line - what it would take to not have the feeling that we need to go back again. A new, dependable car for me (Subaru has 200K on it and in the snow with no cell reception I agree it's not safe for me) and some money toward retirement savings. We don't need more 'stuff'. Any more costs are honestly just entertainment or travel.
The plan is to commit through next fall and be back for winter 2014.
I suppose the upside is finding a maxi dress in FL should be lots easier LOL.

EDIT: and we are in the process of getting a will together for the house and such. Since the new car is meant for me, I have all intentions of having the title and it registered in my name. So no need to worry about me being protected, though it's a very legitimate concern.

It sounds as if you are feeling more comfortable with the decision, Mo. I hope it works out for the two of you. And at least you will be staying a little longer so you can settle things where you are. Best of luck to you in the transition!

Good luck to you, Mo.

Glad you got it all sorted out and are feeling better about the move.

Part II - the stress begins!

I drove the BF to the airport yesterday. I start work tonight at 5. Now that it's all in motion, I want to just be there already. I can't imagine 4 more weeks of work and being apart. Sigh.
Here is the real rub - I'm not sure I want to go back to either job anyway. I know the smart thing to do is finish out the busy season and leave the doors open. On the other hand, if we are moving toward a more secure future and planning on finding work that offers benefits when we return, neither job offers that. On the Other other hand, either one of the 2 jobs would be great as part time to supplement a benefits based 9 to 5 job.
And lastly, I have left both jobs previously mid season and have managed to get hired back at them. This does not mean that if I do it again, I think I will again get hired back. Just sayin'.
Am I just stressing out? I'm almost immobilized right now. I have a list of things to do and can't even get in the shower. Ugh. I need groceries, to ship stuff off at UPS, chiropractor appt. . . . . .
I did get cable in FL arranged this morning, and the BF got a condo key and just now bought and put a bed in it.

So sorry for the stress Mo - 4 weeks does seem like a long time to be apart, esp. if you're not feeling super happy at your workplace. I guess I'd try to just make a list of pros and cons of giving up the job early. Could you divide and conquer and manage 2 more weeks so you could at least give a 2 week notice? I know, that's not much notice during a busy season but I guess that depends on how much it slows down as Sept. gets closer. Or is 2 weeks also too much to bear?

Tex, I was just discussing this with the BF and another ex coworker friend. 2 weeks is certainly professional notice and if I do that, it only leaves 6 shifts to be covered at the pub. That would mean one extra shift for each of the waitresses, not really a big deal. The bigger deal is the impression of ditching out. I've known and worked for my boss for 19 years now off and on. We are friends above and beyond employer/employee. For now, I am going to leave it alone and see how the BF settles in to his new job in FL. He may totally hate it and want to turn right back around. Better to keep the status quo just in case that does happen. I really need to convince my job(s) that 2 weeks notice leaves them in about the same position as 4 And yes, the season slows way down once school starts and the Labor Day holiday is over. We historically would close the whole pub down on the Tuesday after ward and have a summer employee beach party it was so slow.

One of the tough things I've learned as adult is sticking to a commit even when it's less than ideal.
Plus as someone who's had to cover for others when they bail or don't take care of their business it really sucks.

4 weeks goes by so quickly. I would stick it out and try to keep good relations and all your options open for the future.

Mo;
Will you be living in the same place as last time, or is this actually a different place in FL? It seemed like you were both physically and emotionally isolated last time, and I'm wondering if there are things you could think about doing to make it less so this go-around. Maybe a second (used) car or even a mo-ped, scooter, or motorcycle? A part-time job or volunteering just to get out of the condo? I feel for you. Packing and closing up is a chore and must be more so when you're not looking forward to the move.

Donna, yes, yes, and yes! lol
I told the BF I want a bicycle ASAP, and I'm thinking of part time work. Luckily there is a lot of what I would need within a mile of the front door, and I did used to walk to most of it. How refreshing a bike would be!
We did a lot of talking before this move and I have many of my concerns and wishes out on the table. It was good actually to get some things brought up.
3 weeks and counting - I booked my flight out on the first day of Sept.

Mama Donna also orders a bike helmet or two or three (to *go* w/various outfit choices, of course!) and a good bike lock. Head injuries are no fun. Maybe two bikes so you can bike together if rentals aren't available?

Just now catching up -- perhaps bf is not happy with his work in the hospitality industry, one in which you thrive. Do you think that is what could be calling him back, time and again, to his work in FL? It might offer him more than financial rewards for example a greater sense of pride. Service work can feel demeaning, and perhaps a bit more so for those of us in our 50s. We come across many lovely people but some do not treat us well and that's no fun when you are in a time of life when you are finally self-actualized, know who you are, and confident. Is there a remote chance that he could work in his FL auto industry field in the Tahoe region?

My two cents on your present situation: I'm with sticking out your job until Labor Day. I have several people quitting/changing schedule (3 servers) before Labor Day and it is a headache. It is so much smoother if they can wait until after. However it is ultimately up to you and you know your situation with your employers best. I wish you all the best!

Hi Mo. I just read through most of the thread and really feel for you. It is challenging when life throws you a curve ball, and then goes into a repeat cycle. It sounds like your decision is made and you are comfortable with it in general.

The first few days of separation are usually the worst. Try not to make any decisions that could have future repercussions until the emotions have settled down and the lost feeling passes. A few weeks may feel like an eternity when looking forward but is just a flash when looking back.

Good luck.

It sounds like you have decided to stay the course (flying out in September), I think that was the right decision and the time will pass faster than you expect (4 weeks has already become 3!). Try to do the things you love about Tahoe and enjoy time with your friends.

thank you ladies for chiming in. Yes, staying through Sept. is/was the right course and the first few days really are the hardest. Now I'm in a little bit of a different, new groove in my same old surroundings. I feel better knowing I didn't leave mid-season either.

Denise, you have valid points about the job thing and especially regarding pride and age, etc. I am just now starting to sense the age difference with my coworkers and I'm 10 years younger than the BF. I am certain it is more than just the money/security at issue. We are talking a lot more about what these moves mean to both of us, though, and that's a good change.

The next hurdle is getting settled in in FL for the year, and then figuring out how to not have to do this ever again