BJ1111, thanks so much! I think the 5 love languages are great! I posted about that earlier but it was buried in the huge post so here it is again:

Someone asked what our love languages are--we did this quiz before and I think mine were acts of service and words of affirmation, and his were quality time and physical touch. I think those are pretty accurate, actually, and something I have to work on because I haven't had time for a whole lot of that with our busy lives and all of our responsibilities. We do try to have date nights when we can though.

Natalie, what a good breakdown of your issues and differences. So many things you've said resonate with me in my own life or that of my friends.

My DH and I experienced something similar having been together for 12 years before having our son in our late 30s. We used to hike, ski and mountain bike together all the time. I also had my ongoing obsessions - rock climbing, making jewelry - but there was so much TIME back then!

After a kid, that fell by the wayside for a while. Now our son is old enough to be doing those things and we can be active as a family together again, though not at the same level. My DH was actually better with that situation than I was, because when my son was little I felt totally TRAPPED by weather (all the mittens and hats and boots to deal with!) and not being active together. As your kids get older, much of this will change naturally - the key is to maintain a common bond in the meantime, so that you still have mutual interests and WANT to do things together when your kids start doing sleepovers and going away to camp.

I also relate to the no-counseling thing, because of my own crazy Asian family. My dad would NEVER consider counseling if needed - he believes families should be able to solve issues themselves, not to mention the personal/private/"I am invulnerable" attitude. I agree that you still need to go by yourself, and not hide it from DH. He's a medical professional and this is a form of a health issue. Not taking care of a relationship is as bad as not taking care of a broken ankle - maybe he can think of it as relationship PT?

My DH is used to me doing things without him because I have a strong group of IRL girlfriends - we take girl trips together on significant birthdays, for example. He knows how much I need that time to replenish my soul. Sometimes my friend from out of town will come visit and he'll joke about whether she'll be having a "date night" with me - but I know he knows if I didn't get that kind of time with friends, I'd be unbearable to live with as a wife and mother. Same for him - he needs his time with his friends to have a beer and do whatever the heck guys do on their own. It's hard to balance "me time" with "us time" and "family time" but it can be done!

Sounds like you and DH are a good balance for each other, but that doesn't mean things can't get out of whack. It's like a neat person marrying a messy one - you've got to find the compromises. Stay strong and make sure he knows that his choices (to go to counseling, to accept your new hobbies) very much matter to the outcome of this situation.

natalie,

you probably know this already...having different preferences for how to receive love will cause friction. i can see why his words are so hurtful to you, while the time spent on ylf instead of with your husband is hurtful to him. how about hugging him while you talk about ylf? also sometimes quality time does not have to be as extensive or planned as date night. date night can have its own pressures for intimate conversation and a "good time."

maybe even 15-30 minutes after the kids are put to bed and before you fire up ylf would help him see that you are still engaged with him?