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a minor setback

elpgal

Veteran

So, I work in a rather male-dominated science environment and have so far restricted my clothes to trousers and conservative button-downs. Lately, I have been edging myself out of my comfort zone and sneaking in casual stuff on Fridays.

This Friday, I wore slim cut jeans and a Bellatrix tunic from NAS. As luck would have it, there was an impromptu meeting on Friday and our group leader told me in front of everybody that 'he can't figure out why but your head looks very large today compared to the rest of you'. He is not one to comment on personal appearances so I am doubly mortified and more than a tad angry.

Environmental norm: 1, Elpgal: 0

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24 replies

Latest reply was from Maya

Kari

Veteran

What an odd comment to make to anybody. I would be mortified, too! Elpgal, I hope you can let it go and roll off your back. (On a more lighthearted note - at least he didn't say that your body looks large in comparison to your head, which would make me feel even *more* mortified.)

Mo

(website)

Veteran

Maybe that was the not so nice way to say the compliment that your body looks slim and small? What an odd thing to say - your head looks large? Is English the second language for this person?!? I'd try and take it to mean you by comparison are looking smaller. sheesh the things people say.

Anonymous

I've noticed the ladies on this forum give excellent advice on how to deal with such idiots.....me not so much.

I would have said.."I can't fiqure out why but your brain seems very small today comparded to the rest of you"

Lynne

Veteran

That's really odd.....what do you think about calling him on it? Ask him privately why he commented in a work meeting, and point out that you were hurt and that it seemed inappropriate in a professional environment.

My DH works in engineering and a comment like that would not be tolerated...his company if very strict about these things. Fwiw, he really appreciates it when people dress up or wear interesting things to work.

elpgal

Veteran

He is not technically a native English speaker but moved to the states as a child. Maybe my hair is too foofy or maybe I dress too schlumpy on other days?

DH suggests I should wear these outfits more often so I can establish a new baseline for him. Not a bad idea but right now, I am just letting myself be grumpy about the whole thing.

Thanks for pointing out the silver lining; I appreciate it.

Claudia

Veteran

How bizarre and inappropriate, what he said and where he said it. Amazing what can come out of some people's mouths!

Did you think to say, "Thank you, how nice of you to notice,"??? LOL, that would have been funny!

elpgal

Veteran

Tracina, I wish I could say that.

He has been pretty inoffensive in all the time I have worked here. I am one of the 2 women in this group of 35 people and I know I am being cowardly about it but right now, I am leaning towards my 'wait for three strikes and then I will call you out' rule here.

Patty

Veteran

How inappropriate---I bet your absorption of meeting info has been compromised--thinking more about what he said (ass!) and in front of everybody (ass!) than important impromptu Friday meeting info (ass!).

Kristine

Veteran

Um, did he have a few martinis at lunch? That's just plain strange. I wouldn't consider it a negative commentary on your clothes!

Louise

Veteran

What a wally!!! I love Tracina's idea, though I'd never be confident or quick enough to say it back x

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Okay. I hope the school boards are listening because they need to add an extra subject to the school curriculum: "Tact and Filtering".

I am horrified, Elpgal. WHAT"S WRONG WITH PEOPLE? I feel like punching his lights out. People need to filter what they say - and have their eyes tested.

Anyway, try to brush it off if you can. And wear extra fabulous clothes all week. ((HUGS)).

Aida

Veteran

Erhm.. that's an odd comment It's so silly that I'd just brush it off and ignore it (really); sometimes us science-types don't come with filters, eh? The main problem I see here is that a comment that made you uncomfortable was made in front of your group; I completely second Lynne's advice to talk to him about it. Don't let it bother you otherwise!

crwilson

Veteran

I'm continually astounded at the ridiculous things that come out of people's mouths. I'm married to a blurter, so I thought nothing could surprise me...and that guy's comment surprised me. It's so odd, though, that I wouldn't think anything of it - it doesn't even make any sense.

RandomThoughts (Andrea)

Veteran

Oh my, I'm so sorry this happened. That is such a ridiculous comment I must admit I laughed! I think I might've had he said to me, as in laughter followed by, "What?" That is so crazy!

But I agree - big head=slender body. He just got it backwards.

taylor

Veteran

Good grief...what a moron!
people have no brains, or class:(
Couldn't just comment on how slim you look???

rosee

Veteran

Sorry that happened. Been hearing a lot of that stuff on this forum and it's only been a couple of weeks. Another possibility for handling it: "Well, my head's been busy thinking a lot about...(whatever the meeting was about)" to deflect back to the original topic and maintain unruffled composure during high-pressure situation.

Isabel

Veteran

This is such an odd comment and unusual for him, that I would cut him a little slack. I would explain that it is offensive and ambiguous.

I was also raised in this country and attended all my schooling here. But it took me a few years in adulthood to realize that not all sayings translate well. Once at a corporate presentation that I was giving, the National Sales Manager asked a question about a competitor. I thought I would be funny and said, " I suspect their elbows hurt. " Then I paused and smirked, you know to wait for the roaring laughter. Instead he turned to my boss and said, " What is she talking about ?" Eventually someone raised their hand and asked me. Stunned, I said, it meant that they were jealous and that the Portuguese use the expression all the time. Then the person who asked the question said, " Uh...it doesn't translate well. " MORT.I.FIED I stuck to American expression after that. So I feel bad for him.

Ginkgo

Veteran

My husband is an engineer, and I also worked in an engineering for years, and I'd say that men in engineering/sciences can be pretty clueless about fashion and tactless in how they express themselves. (Hope no one minds stereotypes) Combined with that he is not a native speaker, I'd say he just completely "mispoke" and doesn't really mean anything by it. Just blow it off. And maybe keep dressing as you want to get him more accustomed to your style.

Debbie

Veteran

I'm sorry this happened to you. Your outfit sounds great. His comment makes no sense and he should learn to filter. I would just continue to be fabulous you.

Diana

Veteran

Yikes! What does that even mean??? I would just chalk it up to the guy being completely clueless and having no filters. Male scientists can be so socially inappropriate sometimes - I can think of a couple of coworkers who might say something like that to me too! (One of my coworkers did say to me once, when I was wearing an emerald green dress, "Is it Saint Patrick's Day already?" Not nearly as bad as yours, but still completely inappropriate and totally not funny.)

Marley

Veteran

Good grief - that is just so weird - I mean bizarre weird and very rude. I'd confront him - no question about it, he needs to know that that is just unacceptable.
Men and size . . . seems that so many of them of them are fixated on it, aren't they?
;-}

cloud9

Veteran

very odd comment indeed. I have worked with enough engineers/scientists, that I do believe a good chunk of them have autistic/asbergers traits or actually have them in various degrees. Lack of social and tact skills are quite common. Sometimes they say the most blunt and stupidest things, I'd get offended. Then I'd take a pause, and see if they actually had offensive intent, if not, i'd just brush it off as they are being who they are again. Sometimes that takes a minute, some other times may take a few days.. :D)

biscuitsmom

Veteran

SO stupid! He probably meant that outfit is really slimming and didnt know how to express it correctly....try and blow it off. If he makes any more remarks about your appearance in front of other people I would definitely have a private talk with him!

Maya

Veteran

Wow.

I'm not going to pretend I have never made an awkward and weird comment in my life, but I always follow up with an apology and, if it helps and doesn't make things even more uncomfortable, a clarification!

Commenting on a person's appearance is just tricky territory in general. You really have to know what you're saying, who you're saying it to, and the context in which it's being said...not to mention a good dose of social grace in case things don't go down the way you expect them to..