“Capsule” wardrobe for a death in the family - YouLookFab Forum

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“Capsule” wardrobe for a death in the family

Jessikams

(website)

Veteran

I am in the midst of one of life’s crisis situations: my mother is dying of emphysema. I live far away, and when I got the call about the emergency, I was literally on my way to the airport for a planned tropical vacation. I turned around, went home, dumped out the bikinis and tossed in a sweater and a couple of t shirts, and raced back to the airport to fly to her home and take care of her.

It’s interesting to note the role of clothing in all this (in my few free minutes). I packed in a panic, not knowing how long I would need to stay or what the weather would be, so nothing matches or makes sense together. Of course how I look doesn’t matter now. But what surprises me is how COLD I am! I just can’t get warm, it’s like a spiritual freeze or something.

My lovely sister in law sent me a box of chocolates, tea, and fuzzy socks. It was so kind, it made me cry in a good way.

Sorry for the downer long post— but I thought this group would appreciate the importance of our outer wrappings at difficult times. Any stories you’d like to share?

Dressing

30 replies

Latest reply was from lyn67

Anonymous

I believe in having a funeral capsule ready, maybe even in a garment bag in the closet, where your SO or someone can get it for you if you cannot. This is after I had to find suitable funeral garb at Walmart for my mother's funeral. I had gone home because she was having surgery. It was successful, but while recovering from it she contacted pneumonia and died. While my mother was in the hospital, she was afraid of being alone, so I spent lots of time their. After she died, everyone was in shock and a funeral had to be planned, lots of phone calls to notify relatives, etc. no time to go shopping.
I agree that one needs warm comfortable clothes and snacks at such a time. You may need to stay in the hospital overnight. You may need to wait around to see a doctor and miss meals. Warm socks and slippers, a long warm cardigan, layers. Hospitals can be kept very cold, even in summer, to discourage germs, I think. A big blanket scarf would also be a good addition.
If you put together a funeral capsule, include EVERYTHING you need...flat shoes or boots, underwear, accessories, etc. You will not be able to think straight at the time.
I hope that your mother's health improve. Take care of yourself.

Jenn

(website)

Veteran

My thoughts are with you. I went through this two years ago, down to heading out on a moment’s notice and not knowing how long I’d be gone. Forum members gave me some lovely advice here: https://youlookfab.com/welookf.....inite-trip

ETA: I know you’ve already packed, so that info won’t be quite as useful, so just know a lot of us have been through this, and know how hard it is.

rachylou

Veteran

That’s so tough. I’m sorry jessikams. Your SIL is lovely. When my dad was in hospital before he died, I was travelling 45 minutes each way every day after work. God I was beat. My uncle came and he stayed with me, but thank goodness he did come. He helped my mum a lot. I don’t even know where Lilypup was. I feel like my dad never met her. I just remember she bit my uncle, the only person she’s ever bit, lol. (He deserved it, btw.) I don’t remember what I wore. I don’t remember the timeline. I have to ask my best friend for dates. I just remember being on the train at night. We all ate a lot of hipster fried chicken sandwiches, because the place was nearby.

I do remember my cousin’s cousin knit me a scarf.

Are you by yourself?

The Cat

Veteran

I am sorry to hear what a difficult time you are going through. And I understand your clothing challenges.

We have had some similar conversations earlier in this forum, and later today I will try to find the actual posts and link to them, in the hope that they will be useful to you and others who face similar challenges now.

In the meantime, I link to this great post at theviviennefiles.com, about packing a last minute suitcase in case of various emergencies:
http://www.theviviennefiles.co.....tcase.html

Cardiff girl

Veteran

So sorry to hear of the difficult time that you are facing,I think the cold feeling is a kind of shock ,keep yourself warm,plenty of hot drinks and much courage is my wish for you.

Jane

Veteran

Thinking of you and sending you strength.

May be some uniqlo layers may be a quick fix for the cold, and suitably simple and uncomplicated to select.

Barbara Diane

Veteran

So sorry to hear what you are going through, and a lesson for all of us.

Are you somewhere with a store you could call to have a stylist or sales associate gather and send you some items? Or use Amazon? Or give your size info to a friend of hers or their daughter, or ask your SIL. Warm under layers could go in an overnight envelope. Do you know anyone where you are? People like to help in situations like this but don’t know what to do.

Barbara Diane

Veteran

I think someone here recently wrote about realizing they needed to travel with black basics because they had to fly to a funeral directly from a vacation.

The Cat

Veteran

Hello again. I have tried to find related posts I remember, and would have linked to them if I found them. I KNOW that within the past year we have had conversations about subjects such as:
- clothing and grooming when you suddenly have to assist close relatives night and day for weeks
- how to pack and dress for various kinds of funerals
Unfortunately, the "Search" function here at YLF does not serve me very well. I hope other fabbers are able to help.

Warm thoughts and best wishes.

Katerina

Veteran

Jessikams, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time in life. You are in my thoughts.
I can only echo what the others have recommended - wise words. Take good care of yourself.

Mainelady

Veteran

Jessikams, I am so sorry. I hope your mother’s condition improves and that you can get some warmer clothing to keep you comfortable.
6 years ago, my husband, who had been at our cabin, was sleepwalking and fell down the basement stairs. His best friend called 911 and called me to say that my husband was being Life Flighted to a hospital 3 hours away. I pulled on some clothes, gathered my family and we began driving to the hospital.
My husband defied all the odds and had a miraculous recovery, but was hospitalized and in a rehab facility for 7 weeks. I got a hotel room 3 miles from the hospital and went to the hospital from 6:30 am- anywhere between 9:30pm to midnight every day until he was released to come home. All I had for the first 2 days were the clothes I had worn that night. My daughter grabbed some of my clothes and brought them to me. It was a stressful time. She wasn’t thinking clearly and neither was I. Nothing matched. I didn’t care. My SIL brought me a prayer shawl and I spent a lot of time wrapped in that.

Jessikams

(website)

Veteran

Thanks so much for your thoughts and stories. I actually did have a funeral outfit ready but forgot to pack it! I did however remember to bring my cheat sheet of financial passwords— thank god because taxes wait for no man.

RobinF

Veteran

So sorry to hear of your family emergency. It does sound to me like you are in a little bit of shock, understandable. Two and 1/2 years ago my sister died suddenly, she was only 44. It happened on a Friday and by Sunday I was on a plane to Alabama where she lived (I live in Michigan). It’s so hard to think straight when you are going through that. You will cherish this time with your family and the clothes won’t matter. But maybe you need to pop into the closest store and get a nice snuggly sweater. And a coffee.

Bijou

Veteran

Jessikams, I am really sorry to hear of this. I lost my Mother in May last year. I remember vividly the vigil we had at her bedside, how bittersweet those last days and hours are with someone that you love.

Dress exactly as you wish and feels right for you. It is about caring for you, your Mother and your family. I remember that my Mother hated me to wear black because as a university student I wore lots of black. Mum was right, black is not my best colour. I wore a blue floral dress that I knew she would love to her funeral, it felt right.

I hope a nice warm sweater finds its way to you. I also love blanket shawls and ponchos, they can be nice and cosy to wrap up in.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I am so sorry, Jessikams. I know how this is. I recall feeling completely out of sorts with what I chose to throw on any given day during the last weeks of my mom’s life. After she passed away, I gave away a few things that I knew I’d never want to wear again because the associations of wearing them in the ICU were just too strong. It was late fall, so I also remember feeling chilled the whole time. One day my husband brought me a sweater, and I was grateful for the added warm layer, but everything about that damn sweater annoyed me — the color seemed too cheerful, the sleeves were too short, the hem too blousy. I couldn’t wait to take it off, and it went in the donation bag immediately.

Follow your heart and wear what gives you some physical and emotional comfort. I am sending all my best to you and your family. Big hugs.

Helena

Veteran

So sorry, Jessicams. Sending light and love towards you and your family.

Anonymous

So sorry to hear of your situation made sadder by the fact you had to not only change your wardrobe but had to change mindset from holiday to stress and sorrow. Can feel like you have been hit with an “ice bucket challenge “ of sorts that would account for chills that won’t go away. It’s easier when you know it is coming vs having to change gears quickly as you had to. Glad you have a kind SIL that offers support.
With several family members ill and/ in 90s I too have a bereavement capsule on standby.
Several years ago I drove my mom up to Canada to see her brother who was ill but supposedly doing ok. I had taken Monday and Friday for travel figuring 2 full days plus to visit him and other family. When we arrived we stopped at my cousin’ s corner store to say hi. She pulled me aside and told me to throw mom in the car and drive fast to the hospital. I managed to get her there in time to say goodbye and that was it. Shock to all but now I had to re- group quickly. We added hotel dates then took ourselves to Walmart for undies and whatever we could get to tie us over til following Thursday for funeral. My credit card took quite a hit that week between extra hotel, clothes for 2, meals, flowers etc. but as commercial says”priceless” . If I hadn’t suggested to mom we make the road trip we never would’ve gotten to say goodbye, thank goodness my boss was very understanding and hubby could manage home front just beautifully
Warm hug coming your way Jess!

kkards

Veteran

so sorry you are going thru this....i remember scrambling to pack when my dad was readmitted to the hospital just 2 days after his release to a rehab facility---some how i ended up with 3 pairs of boots....since you have aready packed and gone, this advice is to late, but i found wool shawls/scarfs to be essential...as are fluffy socks with trends on the bottom...and i didn't pack "funeral wear" until it was 99% certain that this would be my last trip...still wonder if i jinxed it be packing my suit...

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

My condolences, and wishing you and your family strength. Stress does odd things to the body. I broke out in hives multiple times, and lost 10 pounds when my Mum had cancer (she was gone in 12 weeks). Allow others to support and help you through this hard time, and good luck.

Greyscale

Veteran

I'm so sorry. You and your mother are in my thoughts.

I find that a big, warm cardigan or wrap feels like a shield against the world. A security blanket, I suppose. If you're still cold, maybe you can order something like that online to be delivered?

The Cat

Veteran

Jessikams, I finally managed to find one of those earlier forum posts I have been thinking of. This one was by torontogirl, and the subject was: "Your style when style is the last thing on your mind (what's essential?)" Great thread with several comments containing useful tips that may be of interest and help to you in your stressful situation:
https://youlookfab.com/welookf.....-essential
Personally, I will now mark that thread as a Favorite, so that I can easily find it again.

Style Fan

Veteran

Jessikams, my thoughts are with you during this difficult time. I have had to throw together funeral outfits at the last minute. I now have a funeral capsule.
Angie is right. Stress does strange things to our bodies. I can't eat and feel cold all the time.

LaPed

Veteran

Hugs to you, Jessikams. I know what you mean about feeling cold when experiencing stress and grief. It's hard to eat during times like this, but try to take time to make hot drinks for yourself. The tea ritual can be so helpful. So good of your SIL to put together a care package. I hope you and your mother have some friends or support network local to you to help out.

I've been away from the forum (and the internet in general) this week because I lost a dear relative of mine, a lifelong friend only a year older than me. It was sudden and completely unexpected. I need to put together an outfit for the service in April and a memorial in the summer, but those feel a long way off and I have plenty of black. Right now, it's one foot in front of the other.

Thanks for the thread -- I am always somewhat in awe of how open and compassionate the folks on this forum are.

Jessikams

(website)

Veteran

La pedestrienne, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. At least with an older relative these things are kind of expected— I can’t imagine trying to cope with the loss of a best friend or husband, as others have experienced. Difficult times do indeed call for fuzzy fleecy things and I am headed to Target or something to find a few tomorrow.

Elle

Veteran

I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult and stressful time. It's incredibly hard when it is your mother. Try to take things as easy as possible. People do want to help, so take advantage of any offer.

Almost the exact same thing happened to me last year. I got the call that my mother was failing, hopped on the first flight, and she died five days later. I was in total denial and didn't pack anything appropriate for a funeral (or anything that matched for that matter). I ran out to the GAP and bought a black t-shirt dress while the sales people handed me kleenex.

jussie

Veteran

I'm so sorry for what you are going through Jessikams, and also you too La Ped. I just hope you can get a hold of a warm jumper... maybe another relative can bring one for you? Even a nice big mens jumper.

gryffin

Veteran

jessikams - my thoughts and prayers are with you. I just losetmy dad in November. I couple of my posts were looking for clothes that could survive being slept in at the hospital. Then there was the funeral, shiva, visiting the grave at the month mark. Because Dad had been sick, I put together a capsule in advance - very sad but it did make the events surrounding death easier. I never thought about my clothes because I knew I had things that were appropriate to wear and that felt great on and were stylish. Dad like to see us dressed nicely and I honored that memory but didn't give it a thought. The funeral/sad capsule - necessary and it make the situation easier. So very sorry. Hugs and prayers of strength coming your way.

JuniperGreen

Veteran

jessikams, my heart is with you. My father passed away this January after a very long illness. With end-of-life care, there is so much "frantic waiting," where stress is high even when not much is happening. While you caretake, don't forget to tend to yourself as well. Wear those fuzzy socks, cozy up with tea, and dig into those chocolates.

This topic is so interesting. In retrospect, I put a lot of thought into what I wore to caretake and to grieve. Like Gryffin, I had "hospital outfits" I would wear during visiting hours that prioritized comfort over style, and was often frustrated because I'd then end up feeling frumpy or inappropriate in some minor way that only I would notice. And even though we had time to "prepare," I still felt a little frantic about dressing for the funeral. I know that black isn't *necessary* but it felt important to me to be a bit formal about this moment that we had anticipated for so long since I would eulogize him. I also had a long conversation with my best friend over whether or not to wear mascara to the service, which seemed so silly and yet so important. (I eventually did wear it, just not on my bottom lashes)

Sending you support while you navigate this time - remember to be kind to yourself, and try to ask for help when you need it.

anchie

Veteran

My condolences for what you are going through. I believe it is very useful to have something planned to wear in such a situation. To be honest, I cannot recall what I wore to any of the funerals I attended because I was so distraught and there were so many other things to take care of. It is comforting to have one less thing to worry about.

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