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Wedding dress mistake, need advice. :(

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

Hi, all. I feel pretty a bit spoiled and entitled writing this post, but I'm pretty stressed out and need a few sympathetic words and a strategy.
I'm getting married in June (it's official!) and have spent months dress hunting. I wanted something that was ethnically hybrid, and found a dress I really loved online. Note that I have never been disappointed with online purchases due to discrepancy between photos and in real life. I don't have a car, live extremely far away from ethnic centers, and am entirely reliant on online shopping.

Under my mother's urging, I took a risk and purchased the dress, and had it tailored to my measurements. It was an expensive dress, but only 2/3 of what I budget. Well, the dress arrived two days ago and lo and behold, the designer used a different fabric and colour from what was advertised in her photos. The difference cannot be explained by 'variations produced from photography,' and unfortunately, the colour isn't flattering. I'm pale with pink skin, and the dress is yellow gold, rather than pale rose-gold I saw in the photographs. My mother, who has only seen the dress on me in virtual circumstances, think it looks good, but when I asked an honest housemate, he commented that it was a nice dress, but that he had seen me wear better colours.

I feel extremely guilty about not wearing to wear this dress. My mother had wanted to buy my dress, and it not wearing is such a waste of money. That said, I do not feel fab in it because of the colour. I look at it and want to cry because of the disappointment between what I thought I was receiving and what I received. I'm not ordinarily emotional about clothing, but the amount of photography at the wedding and the number of guests have made me anxious about my dress choice.

The dress contains beading, so I'm not sure if a dye job would work. I don't think I'd be able to sell it because it was tailored to my measurements, and while the designer is very well known in Indian fashion, she isn't known in the US.

Shopping

50 replies

Latest reply was from Mary Beth (formerly LBD)

retailgirl

Veteran

I don't know your circumstances, but I think you need to love, love, love the dress you get married in. It should make your heart sing. Looking at it should not make you cry! (although some of your angst could be pre wedding stress) It's a once in a lifetime occasion, and if it means you need to not wear the one you just got, then so be it.

K.M.

Veteran

gradfashionista: I agree with retailgirl. You need to absolutely, 110% love your wedding dress. It's a seriously special day (and a day which, I think, we all hope will mark the beginning of something that is "forever"). You will be the center of attention, and after the day, you will have photos and maybe videos for you and for your family. You shouldn't have to wear anything that would make you feel less than fab, or that would nag at you (even if for a small reason), or that you don't want in some way.

Also, will the designer take some responsibility for the discrepancy? It sounds like the onus is on her.

I don't think it would be impossible for you to sell the dress here, either.

Good luck. I hope it works out for you. Don't settle for anything less than what you want and deserve!

elpgal

Veteran

GF: if you can return it at all, you should. Or can you use it for a low-key event ( if it is an Indian wedding, the sangeet comes to mind).

Anonymous

What a terrible surprise! I think you would be a little more at peace with it if you sold it but you could ask one of your friends to manage the sale or at least wait until after your wedding.
The bride is the centerpiece of the wedding and should feel beautiful not just for herself but for everyone there. The dress that makes you cry isn't the right one.
Weddings are full of behind the scene minor disasters and if this is the only one you're still way ahead. And there's still time to fix it!
Please put the disappointment away and start planning how best to find your dress, if you can't go to the stores could you send fabric color samples to a reliable salesperson?

Staysfit

Veteran

How disappointing. I'm going to give you a different perspective. I have been married for 27 years. My wedding photo is sitting on a shelf collecting dust. My grandmother, who never worked a day in her life, paid for my dress with the little savings she had. I didn't have much money for a dress but I managed to find something inexpensive that would work. I was so proud to be wearing something that my grandmother helped pay for, even though it wasn't my ideal choice of a dress. I wore my dress once and then it was cleaned and put into a box never to be seen again. My wedding was so exciting and wonderful that I honestly didn't notice or worry about what I was wearing on the day of the event.. I was just happy to be marrying my husband, a man I loved then, and a man I continue to love now. When I look at my wedding photos I don't think about my dress, I see my grandparents who are no longer alive. I see my best friend who died from a brain tumor three years ago. I see my first cousins husband who died young from a rare medical condition. I have fond memories of the people but I don't really notice the dress. I don't care about it other than what it meant. It was a gift of love. It sounds like yours is too. A wedding is about the people, the relationship and the events of the day. The dress is minor. I know this is a fashion forum, but I am just giving my perspective. If you can't return your dress, and the person giving it to you likes it on you, than maybe you should keep it and wear it proudly.

Edit: One more comment, or maybe a question. Is the wedding about the bride and groom or is it about their families? Who is it for? Who is it about? Maybe a bit of both perhaps? Think hard about this. I don't think the answer is clear or obvious. (Now you can see why I am a shrink! I find puzzles everywhere. I am not saying I have answers.)

Laurie

Staysfit nailed it. Bravo!!

Joy

Veteran

I like what Staysfit wrote. I will have been married to my husband for 45 years this summer. I had no money for a dress and bought one that would do, not one I loved. I haven't looked at that dress all these years. It really doesn't matter. Family and friends and of course my joy at marrying the man I love made the day special, nothing that I wore.
Of course you are upset and disappointed not having the dress that you hoped to have. If it fits and is as beautiful as it sounds, could you use makeup to help make the color more acceptable? Could you wear a pinkish gold necklace or pink pearls to bring that color nearest your face?
I hope that your problem can be resolved so that you can truly enjoy your wedding day. Wishing you a wonderful wedding day.

Alassë

Veteran

If you won't want to see pictures of yourself in this dress, please give yourself permission to look for a different one. I'm sorry the dress turned out to be all wrong. (Congratulations on the official date, though!)

Gaylene

Veteran

I have to echo StaysFit and Joyce. My wedding dress was made by my mother who poured her love for me into each stitch and tiny buttonhole. That dress was special, not because it was my "dream" dress, but because it told me I was loved and cherished. Brides are beautiful because of the feelings and emotions in the event, not because of their fashion choices.

deb

Veteran

I grew up with my mom telling me she saved her wedding dress for me to wear. I am the only girl and although I was sad and disappointed that I could not pick out my own dress I wore hers anyway. Well, I actually did not have to wear it but I could not hurt her feelings. The dress was too big on me and too long. The shoes I wore were not ones I would have picked out but they worked to make me taller so the dress looked better. In the end it all worked out and I made my mom happy. As I got older and had a daughter of my own, I made different decisions. My experience with my wedding was a learning experience on how I wanted to raise my children and interact with them.

grandfashionista, your married life is just beginning and what seems disappointing now will be minor to future disappointments because that is just the way life is. Do you remember disappointments in you life? Are they as large as this one? I do not mean to be pessimistic, just realistic. Is it possible for you to hold the fabric up against your face and post a picture? This may help with suggestions on how the remedy the issue. Just a thought.

DonnaF

Veteran

My wedding dress was some type of silk day dress. I always hated it, but I couldn't find much when I went searching. Its design always made me think of dog biscuits and not in a cute way. I must say, however, that I am still married to the same guy after 30 years this October, and that's the important thing.

I hope you can come to some type of peace whatever your ultimate decision is.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

What a disappointment! No wonder you are sad and stressed.

I want to take a middle line between the positions that have been voiced here.

First, I really like Staysfit's questions: Who is this wedding for and about? What matters most at this wedding?

Once you have clear answers to those questions, you will know better how to proceed.

I have been married twice. For my first wedding, I wore my mother's dress, which she had saved for me. Obviously, it was important to her that I wear it.

Would a part of me have liked to have picked my own dress? Of course! This dress was very different from what was in style at the time. But we couldn't afford a fancy new dress. And in fact, I liked it a lot and recognized that it suited me. (So in that way, my situation was much easier than yours; while I might have preferred to choose my own dress, at least I knew this one looked good on me.) Ultimately, wearing that dress made my mother very happy and I have never been sorry for my decision.

My second wedding was much more casual. Again, we were not in flush financial circumstances at the time and I didn't want to spend much. But it was awfully difficult to find anything appropriate. In the end, I wore a white and silver grey summer dress right off the rack at Banana Republic. It wasn't the most wonderful or flattering dress I have ever owned, but it did the trick. And it was perfect for the occasion ( a sweltering day in our backyard.) Once again, I've never been sorry. I never even look at the wedding photos, to tell you the truth. Like Staysfit, I remember the people who came, and I remember how good it felt to express our commitment, and how happy I was.

That sounds as if I am telling you to wear this dress and forget your disappointment. But not quite.

I actually think it might make sense to talk with the designer/ company where you got the dress and let them know that you are upset. Perhaps there is something that can be done -- there is still some time. Yes, it is possible they will fall back on the "differences in dye lots" excuse. Then again, they may try to do something for you, simply because they do not want to build bad will.

Another option is to consider TWO dresses. Perhaps you wear this one for part of the event, and another dress that you love better for another part or for some of the photographs. Maybe you could brainstorm with your mother or other family members about that.

I have to say, as someone who looks like death in any shade of yellow, I deeply sympathize. It is this that makes me think you really deserve (at minimum) some kind of explanation before you make your decision. And ideally you would get your money back!

Meredith

Veteran

I am so sorry for your disappointment! I'm going to admit that I have watched an episode (or more) of "Say Yes To The Dress" - please don't judge me. Anyway, one of the things they do when a bride is uncertain is to add the veil and accessories so she can see the full picture. To the extent you can, try doing your makeup and adding in extra accessories to see if that influences your opinion. You've received wise advice about how to move forward. I agree it is perfectly reasonable to want to love and feel good about your dress, but I also agree the dress won't be what you remember about the day or see when you look at photographs. This dress issue is turning into quite the emotional saga for you and I can't help but wonder if that adds to frustration. I really think this is a decision you must make with your heart, there is no right or wrong answer.

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

Thanks for all of your feedback. I've been thinking about it in the past day, and am still trying to sort out my feelings on the matter.
The dress is going to be worn in front of a couple hundred of people, less than ten of which are from my side. There will be tons of photography, videography, and my future MIL and SIS will be pretty primped up. I wanted to have a dress that set me apart in the unconventional way, that was part Asian, and definitely not white. This colour would have appeased the MIL who wants (demanded) a light colour. Aside from the signals the dress is supposed to send, I wanted it to look good.
As of now, I have paid for the dress, and my mum will be paying me back. I really don't think years down the road I'll look at the dress and think fondly of how my mum paid for it; I'll think of how I made this wrong decision. Don't get me wrong, I *am* grateful, but the wedding isn't mine, it's not for me, and I feel very much that it's a performance of sorts. I am very sentimental about jewelry, and wear jewelry that was gifted to me, even when I don't fancy it, because of the person who gave it me. But clothing, I will give away.
I've looked into dyeing the dress with iDye, which is supposed to work with polyester. It's risky, but most of the reviews I read on Amazon involved good experiences. My worry is that the sparkly yellow jewels glued on will fall off.
I contacted the designer, but she maintains that she used the same material on the model as she did on my dress. I've attached pics for comparison. NOTE: I wasn't intending on posting these, so I'm not wearing wearing make-up and my hair is messy.

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anne

Veteran

Yep that's a BIG difference

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

I'm wondering if the lighting of the runway show and settings of the photograph changed the color. Also photoshop. Even from computer monitor to computer monitor colors don't reproduce well.
It can pretty hard to color correct exactly.
Of course that doesn't help your current dilemma.

gradfashionista

(website)

Veteran

I thought so too, but compare the gold embroidery and flowers. On the runway photo, the contrast is very clear, whereas in the dress that was made up for me, the colours and saturation is very similar.

Anonymous

I have no suggestions, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your situation. Getting married is stressful and your dress shouldn't add even more stress.

I thought Suz's suggestion of wearing two different dresses at your wedding is a great idea.

AM

Veteran

I'm on team "You should love your wedding dress." Tears are not acceptable. But I absolutely appreciate the other side of the coin -- where the value of the celebration is in the relationships, the bonds, the people, and the love. It might be difficult to make this compromise but if you do, I hope you can recognize your strength in putting aside the dress for your attachment to love ones. This would be a test of strength (at least in my book). If you decide to find a new dress, simply write this off as an unfortunate hurdle and move on...
My heart goes out to you.

annagybe

(website)

Veteran

It's really hard to compare a cell phone mirror selfie. But you know the color in person. I don't see a huge contrast in the runway, just the overall color is taupe. But given the lag between runway and production, there could very well have been a change.

Zibbets

Veteran

Best wishes! I hope you and your lucky fellow share a lifetime of joy!

I apologize if someone else has asked this already, but have you tried to get your money back? That clearly isn't the color advertised.

That said, I'm with Staysfit. The important things are your husband and your marriage. The wedding is only one day, no matter how much it's photographed and videotaped.

Rambling Ann

(website)

Veteran

If you were my sister, this is what I'd say. That money for the first dress is spent, regardless. Set a realistic budget for where you are now. Then go shop. See if you find something that makes you feel fab with what you've got. Otherwise you will wonder and second-guess until the wedding day. A few hours of shop could spare you weeks of misery.

FWIW, I think the color of the dress in the your photos would be flattering with the right make-up and maybe something in your hair. The bathroom light bulbs are hideous, regardless of what you are wearing.

If you have a make-up person or even a hairdresser you trust, take it to them, ask their honest opinion and look at it under their lights. Or take it to the shops and compare. You might find it's better than anything else out there, once you do a heads-up comparison.

No bride should feel sad on her wedding day!

Thistle

Veteran

Okay, first, you have time. The dress is not the same color, clearly, and the fabrication doesn't look the same. Frankly, I think the designer changed it. Pisses me off for you, especially as they won't take responsibility. Makes me wonder if you paid for it by credit card if you could go through them to get a refund as what you were sent is not what you ordered.

Anyway, neither here nor there. As for your current dress, do you know a tailor or seamstress? Can you take the dress to them and see if they can help you?

While I hear all the great advice above, I remember you post about your in laws. I get your need to feel fabulous amongst such settings. I also get that you need to wear the dress for your mom. As someone that yellow looks horrible on, I get that too.

So, if you can't reliably dye the dress (because a splotchy dress is worse yet), and you need to wear it, the next option is make-up. Can make-up help? I'm can't wear red without the right make-up, but with it, red looks great on me.

If make up doesn't work, what about an elegant necklace? One big enough to keep the yellow away from your face? A beaded scarf could work, but could be tricky too.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I know that colours reproduce poorly. Etc.Etc. But that dress is clearly a different colour!!!

The one on the runway is pinky-taupe-nude. The one on you is gold. That is a huge difference! (Well, that's what I see, anyway.)

And given the situation as you describe it (mostly his family, not too much family support of your own) you need to feel fabulous!

So. First try to get money back. From the designer, the credit card company, whatever. Kick up a fuss. This is one time where it really might be worth it. Just do so without any expectation. (And it goes without saying, be super polite, as I know you would be.)

Next best, if you don't get anywhere with that, do what Rambling Ann said and figure out what you can afford now. Look at that dress as a sunk cost. Maybe you have a friend or a family member who would look amazing in this dress and could fit it or have it altered? If so, give it to her and remember that it is good karma!

You have time. Maybe you can find some fabric and get someone to make you up a dress. Maybe you can find a spectacular dress on consignment. Maybe you can afford a simpler but more flattering new dress.

If you are "on stage" as it were, that is a very different type of wedding than my backyard wedding. You need armour.

K.M.

Veteran

I came back here to read the thread as it evolved. Staysfit post was very moving, and so were everyone else's testimonies of a not-perfect dress worn for sentimental reasons. All of their points are valid. What is not clear to me, however, is the sentimental reason for YOU to wear THIS dress. You say your mom urged to get it--did she want this particular dress? This particular designer? Is it her financial contribution that makes this dress so important?

It's hard to say because I don't know you or your mom. Moms are different. I know my mom wouldn't have been happy if I hadn't been happy with my dress. She would have sympathized if I were less than thrilled, ESPECIALLY if the dress didn't look like what I expected.

Re: the color. I also see the difference in contrast in the runway photo. Even accounting for lighting and photo quality, the embroidery is clearly golden on the runway pic against the fabric, which is not only lighter but a different tone (more taupe?). In an ideal world the designer would take responsibility for this. (I for one would like to know her name so I would make sure not to order things from her!)

If you were thrilled about all the other aspects of this wedding, I would be convinced to say: compromise on the dress and enjoy everything else. But it seems that so much of this celebration (as sometimes happens) is already a compromise for you. In these circumstances I can see how the dress would be one of the only "you" things in the celebration.

I just have to say... you look so sad in the pictures with the dress. It reminds me of when I had my hair and make-up done for my wedding at a fancy salon. Luckily I went there a few days before to do a trial run. I hated it and came back home so sad. I didn't look bad (objectively), it just wasn't me. (My mom saved the day by finding another salon that did a perfect job.) I don't think the dress looks bad on you, but that's irrelevant...

I'm sending hugs your way. I hope things work out one way or another. If I were you, as others suggested, I would get what is left of your budget and find a dress you like--maybe you won't find a dress you absolutely love with time and budget restraints, but it seems you could certainly find something you like more than this one.

Jane

Veteran

Goodness what a dilemma....I really feel for you.

Are there solicitors who deal with misrepresentation on Internet shopping and is this something that they could deal with I a short sharp way with minimal hassle ... Irritating (an understatement) to have to go through.

Would you be able to change out of the dress into something else during the day?

I think I would also go with Thistles idea on make up and hair - have a consultation with a make up artist and see where it got you...may be even a dry run with some better photos (not selfies) after a hair and make up session

Biggest journey is in your head...I guess you know that though.

The thing with wedding days is that it's one day and marriage is many days. And if I had my time again I would be prepping myself for the huge journey that is ahead in my head.

Take care x

Anonymous

Not only is it not the same color at all but I'm not sure your future mother in law would like it either.
You're the Executive Bride Manager, take charge, and do what needs to be done so that the bride will feel confident, gracious, and loving.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

*sobbing*

What a STUNNING dress. Too bad the colour was not what you were hoping for. (((HUGS))).

You've received great suggestions, and I REALLY hope that you end up with a dress that you love. Let us know if we can help in any way.

Anonymous

Thanks for posting the pics of you in the dress. Frankly it's not as bad a color as I thought, and it fits you beautifully. If I saw you wearing it, I don't think I'd mentally say "oops, poor thing, wrong color." I'd think it was a lovely, intricate golden gown. But it is quite a different shade from the online image, and if it skews greenish-yellow, that's not so good. It's not your mistake though, so please don't look at it that way.

As Thistle suggested, if you paid by credit card you could look into disputing the transaction and getting a refund. It seems you have a case for misrepresentation of the item delivered.

I also like the idea of looking for a new dress locally (or online, if it's returnable), and then once you've found one, having a friend sell this dress on eBay or wherever. (You'd lose some money, but peace of mind is worth it.) Do you have a friend who could take over the sale? That seems to me a crucial part of taking the stress off yourself.

All the other suggestions are good too -- getting a makeup artist's advice, having two dresses for the wedding (one for show and one for you), or making peace with this dress and wearing it just as it is. (Dyeing I don't think is a good option.) But I fully understand how you feel; I hope you can find a solution soon that makes sense, lessens anxiety and gives you comfort.

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