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Should I have said something?

Laura

(website)

Veteran

We have an adorable 17-year-old babysitter who is tall, lanky, and cute as can be. Every day she babysits, she shows up at our house in running shorts and a tank and flip flops, which is perfectly fine, given that she's often going to the beach or the park with a little kid.

Here's the scenario: She went to Spain this week for a 3-week study program. Having studied in Spain at about her age, I was *very* nervous about what she was packing. Just the thought that she was going to run around in Spain in bright pink Nike short-shorts made me worried, as she is very shy and timid. I was concerned she would attract loads of unwanted attention. I brought up the topic of packing, but she didn't volunteer info ... so I kept my mouth shut.

My husband thinks I should have brought up the topic in a light-hearted way. I won't know what she actually wore until she brings back photos. Did I do the right thing??

Dressing

14 replies

Latest reply was from Mac

Louise

Veteran

That's a tricky one. You don't want to interfere and upset her but i can see how you feel that you should offer advice. You perhaps could have said it how you wrote it above explaining you're not interfering just concerned and then it's up to her whether she follows your advice or not x

Dani

Veteran

Is she already gone? Can you tell her that you were nervous about what to pack when you went at her age and bring it up in a way that relates your experiences? If she's already gone, you did all you could to try to help and I wouldn't worry about it...but if she's still around, I'd try again. That's just my 2 cents.

shiny

Veteran

Eh, Spain may have changed since you were there. When we were there two summers ago, lots of the teens were running around in short shorts and flip-flops. Really, the only place I saw any attention to dress, was in a resort town which was filled with tourists. Everywhere else, it was so hot, we saw skimpy shorts, skimpy tops, flip flops, crocs. Very casual.

Otherwise, this reminds me of when I was 16 and went abroad. My mother did my packing for me. She was completely wrong about what to bring. It didn't matter anyway, but I will say that the experience of hearing my host sister tell me what was wrong with my clothes and why, and helping me shop for new clothes, was indelibly etched on my mind. Sometimes you have to hear it from others and their words will make more of an impact on you. So let the babysitter go and learn her own lessons.

Laura

(website)

Veteran

Shiny, thank you. I heaved a big sigh of relief reading your response! I kept telling myself that she wasn't my daughter and I should bite my tongue. I was last in Spain about 8 years ago, but at that point I was no longer a cute teenage girl, so it was hard to gauge how much Spain had changed vs. how much I had changed I am sure you are right that it has changed considerably.

Dani, she has left already. We'll wait to hear how it goes.

I have no idea why I feel the need to mother everyone around me constantly!

anne

Veteran

Laura, there are 2 issues aren't there
1. would this attire be a problem (sounds like not, according to recent visitor Shiny)
2. Should you say something. Given you thought there could be.

I have a vote on the interventionist side! In reality I probably wouldn't have said anything but I would have worried about it and would have thought I should have.
If done with appropriate tact and gentleness I reckon it is better to say something.

A while back I gently suggested to a teenager I know that they change something on their facebook page which was giving an impression I was pretty sure they didn't want to give. She was grateful!

judy

Veteran

You definitely did the right thing! You'll still be speaking when she returns :)!

Teens learn from their peers and how fun to go running off to Zara in Spain to get all the cool stuff everyone else is wearing.

I think you should give yourself more credit, that if she had invited that communication, you would have seen it. Sometimes too much help just made my kids self-conscious, the opposite of what I wanted for them. I had to back off and let them learn to trust themselves, but ask for help if they need it...that's what helps them in any situation, isn't it?

Laura

(website)

Veteran

This is all such helpful practice for when I have teenagers ... in about 6 years. Hopefully I can show some tact and restraint when it's my own kids!

Maya

Veteran

I think with your own kids, you can bring it up. You're their mom after all. You have to do what is best. Although I doubt you'll ever have a problem with your sons running around in skimpy short shorts

My mom certainly brought up my clothes with me, but only when it concerned something greater...like getting the wrong kind of attention. Other than that, she let me go through my "freak" stage without much interference.

Jaime

I think you were OK not saying anything. Her mother should have really been the one to intervene. And while we are on that topic I will take the opportunity to say that I am constantly appalled at how the young girls dress these days (how old do I sound huh?!) Their shorts and skirts are so darn tiny! It would be one thing if they kept it to just the pool and such but I see them everywhere like this-even church!!! The problem is that while yes-it is hot to all the young boys they are looking to attract it is ALSO hot to all the older men that they most certainly don't want to attract. You cannot put an age limit on who checks you out. I would never want my daughter to get that kind of attention and I am surprised that this is acceptable to some moms. Thats all-sorry for the rant but this is on my mind this summer.

Dawn

(website)

It's a difficult one Laura. I know from my friend who is living out there at the moment that the sort of attire you described is quite common so it's not like she'll be sticking out like a sore thumb and also it's probably quite likely that anyone else on the course with her will be dressed the exact same way. So as for whether it'll be a problem, it shouldn't really be and maybe this is a lesson everyone has to learn for themselves. So I say let her make her own mistakes at this age, it's probably better if she makes these mistakes now than when she's 25.

Your concern at her well-being is so heart-warming and were you to say it to her, I'm sure you would put it in the same kind and tactful manner as you do when you post on this forum.

shiny

Veteran

The only thing I *might* have said (imagining this was one of DD's friends) is that she will probably be visiting a lot of churches and mosques, so be sure to pack a sweater she can throw on over her bare arms. Then explain that certain religions require a certain level of modest dress - more so in Europe than here in the US. Then kinda act like I'm musing, and throw in something about, "hmm, a skirt or dress that covers to the knee might be handy to have around, come to think of it." Then maybe share that the mosques are not to be missed - but you may even want a scarf you can use to cover your head.

As for the flips, I might (assuming the kid in question seems receptive to my advice) raise the issue about walking in them on cobblestones or to climb mountains such as they have around Granada.

marianna

Veteran

Honestly, I couldn't imagine being 17 and having my employer comment on my lacking wardrobe. Do you know how she dresses outside of babysitting? Maybe she just dresses really casual for taking care of your kids. I personally think you did the right thing by not mentioning anything... in the end, it's an employer/employee relationship.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Your instincts seemed spot on, Laura. Phew!

Mac

Veteran

Being a teenager can be an awkward time. I think of so much "constructive criticism" that I was given during those years which just made me feel smaller, less sure of myself and less supported. I think you were absolutely right to not give unsolicited advice. If you find out that she's doing something that could have terrible consequences, like having unprotected sex or drinking and driving then of course you should speak up but in this case I truly think she'll learn best just by going abroad and seeing what other people are wearing.

And yea, a friend and I were awkward teens in spain together one summer: she was almost 6 foot blonde and I was an alomst 6 foot redhead and even modestly dressed we got heaps of unwanted, pervy attention. And you know what? i blushed often , felt embarrassed at first but quickly clued into the fact that it was the gross men's problem, not ours! It didn't kill me or ruin my summer but taught me a few good life lessons and certainly made me appreciate aspects of home. I hope that your babysitter would have the same reaction if it happened to her.