Shoes are messing with my head - I need to rant! - YouLookFab Forum

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Shoes are messing with my head - I need to rant!

sarah

Veteran

I've finally started feeling comfortable with my style, but I am feeling TOTALLY lost when it comes to figuring out my shoe style! I have posted two pairs of shoes in recent months that most forum members who commented approved of, and then I've ended up returning them because they just didn't feel quite right. I feel like I spend hours perusing zappos, endless, 6pm, etc, etc, and come up empty handed. I've ordered countless pairs of shoes in recent months only to return them for various reasons - the vamp it too high, the heel is too high, the color's not right, the fit is poor, they stumpify, etc., etc. And I'm drawn to shoes that are too conservative, too edgy, too boho, or too whatever for my style.

Does anyone else struggle with figuring out what style of shoe fits with their fashion persona? I feel like I have a shoe style multiple personality disorder.

Shopping

31 replies

Latest reply was from sarah

Debora

Veteran

Oh, I can totally relate! Shoes are always the hardest part for me when it comes to putting together an outfit. My feet are fussy and that limits me right off the bat. Throw in shoe identity confusion and I am a mess! Sending you hugs and moral support - hang in there!

velvetychocolate

Veteran

I just wanted to say that I also have this problem, and am slowly coming around to the conclusion that maybe ordering online is 'the problem' - at least for me. It can be really hard to tell how a shoe looks on your foot from browsing online sites, and even if you know the brand and you're fairly confident in terms of sizing or what have you - inevitably, the shoe is somehow different than you expected it to be.

In addition, sometimes even a trusted/known brand will have variations in sizing from their norm - this is true of clothing, so it makes sense that the same will also be true of shoes. I've ordered shoes online from brands that I love, expecting them to be totally comfortable, only to find that the particular shoe I ordered is *not* like the other shoes that I have in that same brand. Maybe not quite as comfortable, or that there's something wonky - ie. the straps dig into my feet or what have you.

The ony 'cure' I can suggest is to start shopping in regular (brick and mortar) stores - at least this way, you have a chance to try before you buy. Leaving aside comfort and fit issues, the good thing is that you can at least look at the shoes in a mirror and see if you like the style on your feet *before* buying them. With online shoe-shopping, you have to order, wait, try, send back. Order more, wait, try, send back. It does get a bit ridiculous, don't you think?

This isn't to suggest never ordering shoes online, but maybe the trick is to order something you've already tried on in a store, and know that you like?

Hang in there - I am also having this same problem. I don't think it's you and I don't think it's that there's some sort of "multiple personality shoe disorder" but rather, it's tough to pick out good shoes online, imo. They look great online...the colour's fab, it's a known brand, they are on for a much better price than in the brick & mortar stores, yadda yadda yadda...but because you haven't been able to try them on and look at them in a mirror - it's really a wild guessing game.

Try shopping in the store?

Take care, it'll get better - especially if you can just go try stuff on and see what it looks like in the mirror *before* buying.

sarah

Veteran

Debora, thanks for the support.

VC, thanks for you long and thoughtful answer. I think you're probably on to something. Unfortunately, the only time I have to shop is after about 9:30 at night, what with kids and work, so I'm a bit stuck with the online thing. But I'll try to make more of a B&M shoe-shopping effort!

bj1111

Veteran

i sympathize. we all have our crosses to bear ;D

i have the reverse problem. so many shoes, so little time. i find getting trousers very very challenging. same with incorporating / bookending color in an outfit. but shoes, no problem...which is a problem of a different kind.

Makrame

Veteran

Well, my solution has been to try to stick to a "shoe minimalism" approach. I might like a wide variety of shoes on others but there is only a limited number of styles that truly works for me. I basically have two pairs of wedges for the summer + some flat oxfords, and I think that's going to be it for me. I may love sandals, pumps, etc. on others but most of the time the heels are too high or the toe is too open etc. etc.

I can totally relate to spending a ton of time online and not finding anything that works when it comes to shoes. I have decided that at some point I am just going to duplicate my Cole Haan wedges in a different color and call it "diversification". At least that's a big step up from my old "one pair of black shoes, one pair of brown shoes per season" approach.

Oh, and I have been buying most of my shoes online forever - there is very little selection in the B and M stores where I live.

Ana

(website)

Veteran

I am right there with you, Sarah! I'm very picky when it comes to shoes and I haven't gotten my "sandal" style completely down either.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

I think shoes are an enormous challenge. If it's not one thing, it's another.

So...what do you think your ideal shoe would be like? And what are your current wardrobe holes? With what outfits do you find yourself saying, "OH, if only I had the right SHOES for this!?" Are there any outfits that seem fine with the current shoes?

I know that one of my own problems in the past was that in the back of my mind I half-expected that I should be able to use ONE shoe for just about everything. Or if not one, not more than two. I found it very difficult to allow myself to "splurge" on what seemed like "frivolous" shoes. What would a frivolous shoe be? Oh...any shoe in a colour other than black or brown. Any shoe with interesting detailing that might make it stand out. Any shoe with a heel. Etc.

Recently I've discovered that having a few "statement" shoes can actually be a boon to a wardrobe - particularly one that relies on a lot of neutrals or solid colours.

And having shoes in various colours can make a BIG difference in an outfit's impact.

If I recall correctly, you have quite a nice collection of boots. So it is a shoe only issue? Boots are easier for me, as well. I don't have quite the same fit issues, plus the "stumpifying" factor goes out the window.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

If you find shopping online a whole lot easier given your schedule (and I do this a lot too), then I think it's *normal* to end up with stuff that doesn't turn out to be as 'all that' as you might have hoped. Just think of how you'd likely try on all kinds of stuff in a bricks & mortar store, and immediately/instantaneously reject things right off the bat. When you have to shop online, the whole process is slowed ...

Once again, it's *not* you. Shoes are particularly difficult. If it's easier to order online, just keep in mind that the process of trying, looking and deciding is stretched out over several days and there isn't that opportunity to quickly reject something. This doesn't mean you're picking the wrong things - you would have tried these same shoes on in a regular store, it's just that you don't get the chance to just nix something immediately, when you're buying online.

You are not making mistakes or being "multiple shoe personality disorder" about it, it's just that by shopping for shoes online, you don't get to just immediately rule something out. It all takes time, and I'm willing to bet that you'd be just as picky 'in-store' as online. It's just that with online shoe shopping it takes a bit longer to find just the right thing. You are not any more particular, picky or difficult - it's just that the process takes longer.

Just as a humourous aside, I have some shoes coming to me on Thursday. How much do you want to bet there'll be something not quite right about them??

Anonymous

Ugh. I feel your pain! I think you may also be going through seasonal withdrawals from your boots. Sandals or other shoes might look funny on your feet for the first few times. I had just about decided that my feet were so ugly that I needed to cover them even if it was 115F out. Well, the mercury rose and I quickly changed my mind. My eye adjusted too, and I realized most people don't have *foot model* feet. Plus everyone else is showing their toes too so we're on equal...umm....footing.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Sarah, which shoes did you return?

christieanne

Veteran

I have enough trouble finding comfy shoes I like in real stores so ordering online would only work for me in duplicating something I know works.

My other caution to you would be that shoes are a very personal thing - don't let others (even YLF - gasp) influence too much what you find appealing. You need to balance comfort and style in a shoe more than nearly anything else I think.

modgrl

(website)

Veteran

You are right to be picky! Comfortable, stylish shoes are so important. I feel like boots are so easy. The summer season gets more complicated with sandals, slip ons, flats, pumps, wedges, shooties.... what kind of shoes are you looking for? Didn't you get some cute sandals at the end of last summer?

DonnaF

Veteran

Since I need W or WW shoes due to my bunions, I LOVE shopping online, esp. since *my* UPS guy is so sweet. I'm not so self-conscious about being indecisive. I especially like Zappos since somehow I was moved quickly into one-day delivery, maybe because I ordered a lot initially. Then, I returned a lot but by then it was too late for them to return me to two-day! I especially like the Zappos videos since they show the shoes on real people. B&M is best for ascertaining true color, however.

I guess I need to think more about shoes vis a vis my style. My biggest concern was been whether or rather how much they will make my feet hurt.

fashionista

Veteran

Yeah I can identify with your problem. I tried multiple shoes, made regretful purchases, threw, donated several pairs, didn't wear so many cute high heeled shoes. But I didn't stop my search for the perfect shoes style that was struggling within me to come out. Then I bought some flats-ballet, sandals, flip-flops, boots and I knew it. I found it. I was a flat shoe personality with some classic taste, wardrobe staples. I loved flats in some neutral color like white, offwhite, brown, grey, black, blue, pink, green, red, purple, nude and I was sorted. I just tend to fill the holes now. I do not experiment with shoes any longer.

May you soon diagnose the problem and come to a solution. Gud luck. Keep on trying. Trail and error that will lead you to perfection one day.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

VC makes an excellent point about online shopping simply representing a longer process, Sarah. It's convenient to do, but will inevitably result in returns, which is fine if it is cost-free. (Not so fine for me in Canada as a rule!)

Fashionista also makes a really good point. Once you find your shoe "formula" (either some brands that work really well for you, or specific styles) it will seem easier. I haven't reached that nirvana myself when it comes to style (in fact, I think I like a variety of styles, but people differ in that regard) but I HAVE at least found a few manufacturers whose shoes tend to fit me better. "Tend" being the operative word. Sometimes the best-laid hopes come to naught.

cheryle (Dianthus)

(website)

Veteran

I was just thinking about starting a shoe thread.

It seems to me that some people use shoes as the focal point of an outfit and others prefer to let the shoe be the foundation of the outfit without drawing attention. These are divergent views that can cause those in the other camp to have doubts.

I remember being about 12 years old and having a friend look at my feet one day and exclaim "I didn't know you had big feet". It wasn't meant to be mean in any way but it did make me self-conscious about my feet. I think this is the reason that I prefer to wear shoes that blend in rather than those that stand out as the star of an outfit.

Fashionista also makes a good point regarding shoe personality and Angie refers to her "fussy" feet when considering an addition to her shoe collection. More than any other piece of clothing, if the shoe doesn't fit (either literally or fashionably), the wearer is uncomfortable.

What shoes are you most drawn to? Are they the ones that you wear the most? I bought countless pairs of beautiful heels and finally realized that they languished in my closet while I wore the more comfortable lower heeled shoes. Now I focus on the styles I wear more often and am much more content.

That was quite a bit of rambling because I have been thinking of this a bit lately.

teeandcee

I feel your pain! I decided recently I wanted an inexpensive pair of gladiators and spent the next SIX WEEKS looking online and in two surrounding counties plus my own county in B&M stores. I'm currently awaiting a pair I found on eBay. If they don't work then I give up.

Since I've always pretty much worn flip flops in the summer I had no idea buying shoes was this difficult!

sarah

Veteran

Well, this is had been super interesting to read. It sounds like I'm not the only one who struggles with shoes! It's all been very thought-provoking, and has helped me reach the following conclusions.

1) part of the reason I struggle with shoes is that I have two different lifestyles here in MN - one is "smart casual" and cold (winter), when I'm teaching and being an administrator, and one is "casual" and hot (summer), when I'm mostly writing, working on data, and meeting with grad students (with occasional exceptions). So, I not only have to switch seasons, but I have to switch the way I dress. I may be drawn to summer shoes that are a bit dressier, but they don't really fit with my uber-casual summer lifestyle.

2) I have given up on black shoes for the most part, because they are very hard for me to style. I need shoes that are either neutral or "pop-of-color" shoes.

3) Higher heels don't work for me - they're just not comfortable. I need 2" or lower.

4) Higher vamps and high contrast stumpify my rather short, muscular legs.

5) I am very drawn to what I call "euro" shoes, but they don't always fit my lifestyle needs (Josef Seibel, Fidjis, Pikolinos) because I don't spend very much time in "transitional" weather. I either need warmth (and socks) or sandals.

These are some groups of shoes in my life right now:

#1 - shoes that are currently on order

#2 - shoes that I've returned because they didn't fit at all

#3 - shoes that I've returned because they were almost, but not quite right.

#4 - shoes that I LOVE but have convinced myself not to buy because I wouldn't wear them enough, the MJ's because of point #5, above, and the sandals because of the too-high heel.

THANKS for all of your input. It's been very helpful.

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Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I think you are on the right track with #1. I LOVE #4 for you, although you are against them for now. They look like a MN SARAH shoe

I am very pro closed shoes in the Summer time. I know - it's crazy to 99.9% of the ladies here, the blogosphere and the fashion industry in general. But there you have it.

sarah

Veteran

Thanks for your input, Angie. I'm glad you think I'm on the right track. Do you think I could wear #4 (I now added a second shoe in that group) with bermudas and clams? It is very hot here in the summer, and I worry about not wearing such a shoe enough to make it worth it.

You live in Seattle, which seems like the perfect climate for those shoes, but I worry about them in MN in the summer - hot and sticky...

sarah

Veteran

An even better color for me perhaps...

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modgrl

(website)

Veteran

I love your #1's!! Also the very last shoe that you added is lovely. Have you considered earthies or the kork ease ava's. They are different but could be slightly dressier yet still casual shoes. Our summer is also super sticky. Open sandals are the only way to go. I also need to switch out my shoes when I get home from work because they get too hot and yucky in the summer.

ETA: I like the last shoe in #4, not the white MJ's. The closed toe doesn't seem practical for your summer. I know my closed pumps don't get worn that much at all because there is hardly any season for them around here.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Sarah, I am SO in the minority (although Manidipa has a similar Summer shoe preference) - I love closed shoes like ballet flats, loafers, pumps and oxfords for the Summer. Yes, it's between 75 and 85 degrees here in the Summer time, but I prefer to wear closed shoes in the hot and humid weather too (I grew up in very tropical climates). In hot and humid NYC and Singapore, I still wear ballet flats.

sarah

Veteran

Thanks, Rita. I do have some Miz Mooz Heathers that are similar enough to the Korkease that I haven't tried them (although I have looked at them).

Your climate is pretty much identical to ours in the summer, so it's good to hear that you really need sandals in the summer, as well. I wish those Fidjis (the last ones in #4) were an inch lower. If they were, I'd snatch them up. But I've learned that just can't do a 3" heel.

Jonesy

Veteran

I do feel your pain, Sarah! I have a similar split (dressy most of the year, and cold, vs. hot and casual in the summer). Have you checked out Miz Mooz? I have a pair of sandals from them (pic 1, though mine are gray) that are my go-to sandals this summer. They do have an ankle strap, but it's velcro so it stays on no problem, and they are comfy and don't show a ton of toe :). They have lots of different styles in a variety of cute colors (pics all from endless.com). I also really like the looks of the three you have on order, especially the snakeskin wedge and the bright blue flat. Good luck with your quest!

ETA: We posted at the same time! I see that you are familiar with Miz Mooz :)!

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sarah

Veteran

Thanks for chiming in, Jonesy. I know we have very similar climate/work lives (although slightly different toe-showage tolerances). I've had my cursor poised over both of those ankle strap MM sandals! I just worry that an ankle strap, even in a neutral, will chop off my already very short legs...and I'm also learning that my ankle is short - my ankle bone seems to be closer to the ground than on most people. Shoes tend to "hit" my ankle bone a lot. But I suppose I could just add them to the ordering pile and try them on!

Anonymous

Ooo, I like the ankle strap ones Jonesy posted. Of the ones you pictured, I've tried on both green/turquoise pairs. The ones in pic 1 looked strangely orthopedic on my feet (perhaps because it looked like something my mother would wear!) and the Steve Madden ones were the most stumpifying things! I love how they looked without my feet in them, though!

sarah

Veteran

Claire - "strangely orthopedic" - hmmm, that doesn't bode well. Yes, shoes have a way of looking divine without feet in them, don't they?! Maybe I should try to overcome my fear of ankle stumpifiers - I mean straps - and try those ones that Jonesy posted, and that I've been eyeing for awhile now.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

(Shhhh.)

Short legged me just got a pair of ankle strap shoes.

Opinions were mixed here. But I am wearing them. And to heck with it!!

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