OT- How to tell a friend he's being used - YouLookFab Forum

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OT- How to tell a friend he's being used

biscuitsmom

Veteran

My buddy Steve is just being used by a girl he cares deeply for.....you can tell by how she acts when they're together and by what she says when she's away from him.... he is a really good friend and has a history of psychiatric trouble so I need to choose my words very carefully, IF I should tell him at all. His last relationship ended several months ago when he was dumped by a lady he went with for about a year...this is the first lady (and the first age-appropriate one he's been with since then.) I hate to see him being played like this and really dont want him to get hurt by her, or my words....should I just butt out?

General

14 replies

Latest reply was from Aziraphale

Katiepea

(website)

Veteran

I hate to say it BM, but I think in this instance that for now, you need to stay out and let the relationship run its course.

I know it's hard to see it happening, but he is an adult and he has made that choice. He may very well like her a LOT - for now. How he may feel in a couple of weeks when her true colours show may be quite different.

I have this truly horrible feeling in the bottom of my stomach that if you say something, he will turn against you - and that is the last thing you (or he) need.

Just be there for him when he needs it.

Di

(website)

Veteran

My vote: we all know when we're ready to know. He won't need you to tell him.

It's hard not being able to protect the people we care about, though, isn't it?

celia

Veteran

I agree with Katiepea.As much as it hurts you to see at this point he won't believe you.Just be there and be his friend.

rae

(website)

Veteran

What are the words to that song? "When a man loves a woman, he'll turn his back on his best friend if he puts her down"? I've been through similar things with female friends, and they have NEVER listened to a word I said.

Still, I don't think you have to grit your teeth and put up with her disrespectful behavior. If it were me, I'd make a point to not be around when she is. Your friend might eventually pick up on that and realize something is fishy.

chewyspaghetti

Veteran

If it were me, I wouldn't say anything unless I was asked. It's a tough situation, but you have to let him make his own mistake.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

I have a friend going through the fallout of a breakup from a lady who was only in it for herself. My BF was good enough friends with him to tell him the truth . . . but he went and married her anyway!! So your words may fall on deaf ears. I think Di's phrase that we all know when we are ready to know is a very wise one.

biscuitsmom

Veteran

I think you are all right...Im just going to avoid being around and keep quiet...its just SO hard, because he is very fragile emotionally and has, in the past, fell for women who were NOT available or interested and he really believes this lady could be 'the one' and I would really hate to see that happen. I honestly wouldnt put it past her to marry him, just for what she could get out of it! I just hate it when people try to play someone, especially when they are so hopeful and fragile.....

MsMary

Veteran

I agree with the consensus. And I'd also timidly point out that we just never know the real truth of somebody else's relationships. We can hope she isn't quite as bad as she seems!

biscuitsmom

Veteran

Yeah, I can hope, but Im NOT happy with what Ive seen and heard, and from what he's told me He really has a blind spot when it comes to her as well as a deaf ear from what she's implying....I guess I just feel really protective of him and its hard to stand idly by and say nothing....another lady who he's carried a torch for *many* years recently got in touch with him (boyfriend in tow) and is trying to see how much money she can weasel out of him too

san

Veteran

I'm so sorry about this and it breaks my heart because I am having very similar happenings with my new DIL and son who have a 7 mo old baby. It's very hard to know what is the right thing to say or do, or just stay away, or just hug her as if none of what she says is real, or forget that she has abused verbally all of us. I don't know what to do. I love my son, and ofcourse my grandson but this woman is 37, so old enough to know what she is doing. Some people are abusive and prey upon others whom they know they can. This is very difficult. I'm with you in wanting to be protective but not knowing whether to just say to my son that everything is just fine, or say you better watch out, especially since there is a baby involved now.
Please IM me if you want to.

Mo

(website)

Veteran

My BF is on the phone with our distraught friend right now. I would say that if the person you care about shows any sign of doubt or wavering about their SO it is appropriate to air your thoughts in a supportive way. But it still may fall on deaf ears at that time. More importantly, it will be with them to draw strength from if or when they do come around to the idea that this person is not there for them. But unless and until they seem to be looking for validation that it isn't working out, I'm not sure unsolicited advice (however caringly meant) is ever appreciated.

Anonymous

This made me think of that old Bill Withers song:

My friends feel it's their appointed duty
They keep trying to tell me all you want to do is use me
But my answer yeah to all that use me stuff
Is I wanna spread the news that if it feels this good getting used
Oh you just keep on using me until you use me up
Until you use me up

My brother sit me right down and he talked to me
He told me that I ought not to let you just walk on me
And I'm sure he meant well yeah but when our talk was through
I said brother if you only knew you'd wish that you were in my shoes
You just keep on using me until you use me up
Until you use me up

Louise

Veteran

I think you're best to keep quite for now. Be there for him and if he asks your advice tell him how you feel about her x

Aziraphale

Veteran

Say nothing. Any comment you make will be unwelcome. However, if HE asks, feel free to diplomatically give your honest opinion.