OT: A bit of a vent: stressed and frustrated - YouLookFab Forum

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OT: A bit of a vent: stressed and frustrated

velvetychocolate

Veteran

Completely off topic, but I was handed a project awhile back - something that nobody would touch with a ten-foot pole. Extremely difficult, a huge learning curve, and no one else knows how to do it (including me). I've had to learn so much stuff, it's not funny....

A *behemoth* of a project. Somehow, some people thought that I might be able to do it (ha ha ha), and while it's sort of happening, it's also one of the most frustrating things ever. No one has any idea just how difficult and complicated this thing has actually been. Meanwhile, it's become, "Why is it taking so long?" and "Can't you just _____________" and so on.

A couple of weeks ago, I discovered some mistakes and guess what I was told?

"Just make something up...."

So yeah, when I asked ...and said, "This doesn't seem right....are you sure about these things?" the response was that it was "too much work to fix it" and for me to just make something up.

Infuriating.

I have *no idea* what possessed these people to think that I could do this, when no one else would go near it...but there you have it.

In the meantime - I'm mad, stressed out, and I feel like throwing things.

Has anyone else experienced this? Being handed a project that no one else would go near, and then have everyone else around you complain about how long it's taking and at the same time, refuse to help out at all? Where the project turns out to be way more complicated than anyone realized at first (which they probably did, which is why no one would touch the thing)....

What do you do when someone asks, "Can't you just ___________" and you want to scream, "Well, why don't you try it then?"

Excuse me while I go out into the backyard and throw some things....

General

15 replies

Latest reply was from velvetychocolate

Laura

Oh, I've been there before and competely sympathize with you!

It's one thing to have a challenging project and another thing to feel like coworkers aren't on your team cheering for you, but instead making it worse. I find that more discouraging than the specifics of difficult projects.

I don't have any great advice on this, or I wouldn't get worked up about it myself! Hang in there

Suz

(website)

Veteran

This sounds really tough, VC. I am sorry you are going through such a stressful time.

In your shoes I'd probably do what you're doing -- vent to my friends and throw a few things! I certainly did that a couple of years ago when I faced a crazy workload for my volunteer position.

Then I'd write out my frustrations in detail, until I was sure I had perfect clarity on the situation.

Then I'd make an action plan.

In the ideal situation, I would go to someone with my concerns and ask for help.

If that didn't work (or was impossible, under the circumstances) then I'd try my best to accept that, and I'd make sure my home and friend support network was there for me. I would try to clear the rest of my life to make more room for this monstrosity.

I'd do my best to get it done, and then I would try to set some clearer boundaries for the future.

With my volunteer project, there really wasn't much I could do to make it go away at the time. And no one else could really help. But at the end of that year I made it perfectly clear that I would not be taking on the same role the next year. And I backed way off on my commitment. The year after that, I backed away even further.

Again, really sorry you are struggling with this. It is awful to work hard and feel totally unappreciated and unrecognized. I think even now, if you can set some boundaries around it (i.e. INSIST on taking time off on the weekend or your days off, do not work all the time) then that will help you feel you have some control over things. It is the lack of control combined with the lack of recognition that can make us go nuts.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

Thank you Tortoise - it helps to know that others have been there, even though I know it isn't fun.

Also wanted to come back and explain that my post was (sort of) meant to be humourous. Yes, the whole thing's extremely infuriating, but at the same time, sometimes you just have to laugh at the absurdity of it all.

I'll get through this, it's just that every once in a rare while, I feel like throwing things. Don't laugh, but I did just go out in the backyard and throw a bunch of my doggie's stuffed animals around the yard. It helped

Kari

Veteran

Yes. Totally.

And then realizing very quickly that the project or task either needs to have one person devoted ONLY to it without any other responsibilities in order to be successful, or that someone else needs to be brought in to help with either the project or with outside primary job duties, and very tactfully but firmly (and repeatedly) expressing those concerns and being more or less ignored until reaching the point of being ready to give notice. And really getting discouraged about the lack of support from the team and from the company.

Yes. I've been there. Very recently, too. And I'm so sorry that you're stuck in that situation. Unfortunately the only way that I was able to eventually get something to happen was to constantly be the squeaky wheel, being polite and tactful but blunt, and having to repeat the same concerns, particularly emphasizing how the things that hadn't been addressed or fixed had a very negative impact on what the end goal of the task was. That's hard for me to learn, because my tendency is to want to say "yes" to everything.

(And I really wish I'd channeled my anger and frustration into physical energy instead of stress eating.)

velvetychocolate

Veteran

Thank you so much Suz - especially this bit:

"I'd do my best to get it done, and then I would try to set some clearer boundaries for the future. "

That's exactly what I'm focusing on for now - just getting the thing done, so I can be finished with the whole thing. Sounds like you have been there in a similar type of situation because you definitely understand the importance of just getting it done and then remembering *not* to take on something similar in the future.

It's a really big project. Ugly, and no one else wants anything to do with it. I was kind of pressured/talked into it, and I had a bad feeling about it to begin with. I didn't really want to do it.

Unfortunately, I didn't listen to that feeling, and instead listened to others who said, "Well, you can't say no...." and so forth.

That'll teach me, eh?

Krista

Veteran

Yes, I just lived through a very similar situation. I know exactly how it feels.

The difference for me, though, is that I wasn't aware of how bad it all was until very close to the end of it. And once I realized it, boy, did I have a really good cry! I am not someone who cries a lot at work, but when I do cry, I know that it's for good reason - it's my body's way of telling me I've been holding on to my stress for too long. The only thing that got me through it all was finding some people in whom I could confide (one of whom was a woman who worked in our Tech support dept and she was the calm in the middle of a big storm. That reminds me, I need to send her a thank you note!).

I am sure you were given the project because you are capable, efficient and professional - which is probably why you are at home throwing things in your garden and not screaming at people! Is there anyone you can recruit who can provide just an ounce of support, maybe in another aspect of your job that is not related to this project? Sometimes it is the stress of everything ELSE we have to do, as well as the project, that makes things feel insurmountable.

On another note, I find that the response to "just make something up" sounds unfair to all of the work you have put into this project. I felt sad for you when I read that - it sounds as if you have put your heart and soul into this work and it would be defeating to hear someone say "just make it up" in order to have it completed.

I am sorry this is happening - I hope for a quick, yet fulfilling, conclusion to this project where your work is honored appropriately! A big hug is being sent your way.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

Thank you Kari...the following is extremely helpful and useful to me:

"Unfortunately the only way that I was able to eventually get something to happen was to constantly be the squeaky wheel, being polite and tactful but blunt, and having to repeat the same concerns, particularly emphasizing how the things that hadn't been addressed or fixed had a very negative on what the end goal of the task was. That's hard for me to learn, because my tendency is to want to say "yes" to everything."

I am also one of those "yes" kind of people. As in, "Sure, I'll do my very best and take on the world..." etc.

Meanwhile, it's true that there are parts to this project that I simply cannot get done without other people's help, and so far - I've been totally stonewalled on that front. Thing is? I haven't been all that 'squeaky' about it. Thank you for articulating something that really needs to happen in order for me to be able to get the thing done.

I am going to keep on keeping on with everything I can get done, and I'll just persist in getting the missing pieces that I need.

Thanks again - very insightful and helpful and I really do appreciate it!

velvetychocolate

Veteran

Krista - thank you for your support and understanding.

As far as I can tell, the "just make something up" is mainly because people are too busy or perhaps a bit stand-off-ish when it comes to correcting mistakes that pop up during the process of getting this project done. These mistakes have been there all along and nobody minded or noticed, until I was trying to get something major done, and it became a real issue. It's a case of my saying/asking, "These don't look right...is this correct?" and asking for clarification.

The gist of it is that it's "too much work" to fix these things and that I should just make something up in order to get the project going/completed.

I wasn't too happy with that one.

....

In the meantime - I *have* gone out into the backyard and thrown a bunch of my dog's stuffed toys around the yard, huffed and puffed a wee bit...stomped around a wee bit and I'm feeling better.

Meanwhile, the advice I've gotten here is *really* helping - lots of things I hadn't thought of before: being the squeaky wheel, just getting it done and remembering not to take on massive 'nowhere' projects again in the future, looking for moral support and so on.

The dreaded Project *will* get done (somehow), and I'll be so glad when it's over! GAH.

ironkurtin

Veteran

I'm trying to figure out what on earth you could be doing where they would tell you to make something up in order to get it done, and still expect proper results!

My typical response to an overwhelming project is to freak out, then work like a dog and get it done. Those are the days when a potty break is a luxury! Frankly, I've found that these are the projects that make us ill after awhile because we sacrifice mental and physical health at the altar of The Job.

So, since I can't offer more concrete advice, I suggest repeating to yourself, This is a job. It is not me. It is not my identity. Life will not stop if this project isn't spectacular. No one will die if x, y, z doesn't happen. (Unless they actually *will* and I admit I am crossing my fingers hard that you don't work in medicine or healthcare!)

When co-workers say stupid things, like demanding why you haven't transported the ocean in your eyedropper yet, remember they are poor, ignorant, sheltered beings who must be spared the difficulties of life. A sweet smile and a "Well, god bless you!" will do more to shut them up than all the crotch-kicks in the world.

And, speaking as someone who has had very stressful jobs, working out - even half an hour a treadmill or a quick walk around the block - can be a sanity saver when the monkeygrind gets you down.

Good luck!

Gaylene

Veteran

Oh, I've been in that ugly place until I learned to listen to my instincts and not let myself get talked into something that has trouble written all over it. As Suz mentioned, if nothing else, you eventually wise up and learn to set requirements and boundaries up front to keep your sanity.

Speaking from experience, I found that instead of expecting cooperation and support, I had to clearly articulate what I needed from my colleagues in a direct but non-confrontational way. If I was stonewalled, I just repeated the request and stood my ground. I also tried to make my requests as specific and detailed as possible--including a specific timeline.

When I got too frustrated, I took it out on the elliptical machine (thereby, at least, improving my physical fitness) and promised myself a reward once I had finished with the %4#@ thing!

Hang in there, throw some stuff (preferably non-breakable), and keep your sense of humor. I'd also recommend chocolate (or a glass of wine) now and again to keep your spirits up

Anonymous

VC, I have no idea what you're going through, but I DO know you are incredibly bright, analytical helpful and a natural problem solver on the forum. Someone out there knew your capabilities beyond your imagination. And now that you're knee-deep into it, it's only natural that you want to finish well and do the job right. All I can offer is a virtual hug and a prayer. I feel for you! <<<hugs>>>

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

One thing:

Log everything.

E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

Every time you *told* anyone about the issues you're experiencing, or emailed them to whoever needed to know, concerns you're having, every "Just make something up" ill advice, every resourcing or budgeting request you've been denied.

Times, dates, places, names. Every email subject so you can find it easily.

CC in your emails everyone who needs to know these things. That way they can't tell they didn't know way ahead.

This is not about shifting blame if someone's unreasonable expectations aren't met, but about preventing from finding yourself in the situation when you can't back up your experience on such frustrating project.

You'll be able to say "But I did flag this up, to so-and-so, on such-and-such occasion and so-and-so did/didn't do anything about it... after this-many occasions in which I repeatedly listed the risks/problems/factors/(whatever)".

I have found that to be crucial to save my sanity on the occasions that required justifying why something is not finished when whoever expected it to be, while not having a clue what exactly it takes to deliver.

Good luck.

And, most importantly, take care of yourself. (And learn to say No )

ETA: (You gave me a lot to think about )
Also make sure you also are aware of your achievements and savour those moments whenever you deliver certain stages - it'll give you strength in other times.

Anonymous

That is actually what I'm mostly known for. I am thrown into assignments where there have been difficulties in terms of completion, to expedite or assess if we should continue on or conclude. That sometimes involves making the decisions no one wants to make or cutting corners. Cutting a corner is not necessarily a bad thing, as long the reasons why the decision was made are documented. Time and cost efficiencies are good reasons. That all depends on what industry we are referring to. Is it ok to cut corners on a clinical trial for a new drug? Ehhh no. You get my gist. This is not really part of my job duties, it's something I became good at, over time and by being thrown into the situation, just like you have. I actually won an award, which is very rare given my employer, for being part of a team that forever changed an existing poor working relationship with one of our assigned cases, to a very cooperative exchange that have lasted until today. There are rewards to this sort of assignments let alone peer recognition.

I get frustrated just like you do. Heck, I was just asked to do magic on completing something that was left open for almost three years, in less than a month. Everyone and their mothers were hassling me with emails, calls asking for updates. That is frustrating but got it done.

And yes,document everything. I prefer to communicate via email so I have a record of my conversations. If end up talking face to face, I quickly follow up with an email summarizing the conversation. You gotta cover your you know what.

I say take this as an opportunity to once again demonstrate that you are capable of handling and leading the project to completion. Vent to your friends and family not to your coworkers, it's never a good thing to give that sort of ammo, and take this as a personal challenge, one which you will take in stride and complete to satisfaction.

JR

Veteran

VC, I don't have much hands-on experience with this kind of thing, but would it be possible to go to your boss and outline the frustrations you are facing and the solutions you would like to see? Like having someone assigned to help you with certain aspects, or to have other responsibilities lifted from your shoulders, or whatever would turn this project into something manageable?

Although not so much in a workplace environment, I have discovered in my life that when I treat people as if they were reasonable, decent human beings and come to them treating them as partners rather than adversaries, it is absolutely amazing how often they will rise to my expectations. (I am not in any way implying that you have been going about this wrong. Please do understand that.) When I went to the school principal and explained why I was not sending my child to school at a place and time when that was unheard of, I had no trouble. Another couple who went in belligerently and confrontationally lost big time. Same man. I just treated him, not as the representative of something evil, but as someone who was genuinely concerned for the well-being of my child and worthy of respect. He responded wonderfully to my attitude and the reasons I laid out for my decision. So if you have a boss or a kingpin kind of coworker who can go up to bat for you and create some positive changes, try to get them on board.

I know that's not always possible, but I hope that it will be for you in this situation.

velvetychocolate

Veteran

I just wanted to check in and say thank you all so much! There is so much wisdom and support in these replies that even though I feel a bit silly for posting this thing last night, I'm very glad that I did.

I will reply properly tomorrow - but I did get a lot done today and am feeling better about things as a result of just going ahead and posting this very 'off topic' thread and getting such wonderful replies. You have no idea how much it has helped. I just *knew* YLF'ers would get it, and would have some amazing insights to offer. Turns out I was right

What I've done is scheduled a 'demo' for the powers-that-be, so they can see just what's involved in getting this thing done, and why it's not as simple as it seems. I picked up the phone and said, "Well, how about I show you how it's done?". They liked the idea, and I think it'll help a great deal. That's on tap for later on next week.

It's a given that I'll have to train people on this anyway, so I might as well start by "showing my work" so to speak. They get the end product - and it looks so simple, but what they don't know is what went into getting it to look like that. So yeah, maybe they should see what it takes to make it happen, and why I need certain things.

I did a *lot* today and it still looks like hardly anything. What they get is something totally simple, clean and flawless-looking. What it takes to get it look that way is anything but simple.

And yeah, I'm in over my head, but somehow managing to get it done anyway.

Oh, and in case anyone was worried, no dogs were harmed during my "throwing stuff around the yard" thing last night. My doggie loves to take his toys outside, so I have a basket of them out there on the back patio, and as long as it's not raining or snowing - they stay out there until winter. Seems silly, but my dog, "Gus" thought the whole exercise was a ton of fun. He got into it too, and whipped some stuffed doggie toys around right next to me, during my little mini-freak-out/melt-down. Nothing like flinging a stuffed pink bunny rabit onto the ground and then picking up a stuffed moose and flinging it at a tree. No neighbours saw anything, so it's just between me, my doggie and YLF.

Embarrassing, but true.