About a month ago, I wrote you guys about how I rekindled with my high school sweetheart, while still in the midst of separation with my DH. (Wow, putting it like this doesn't look too glorious...). Actually, our separation had been a long process over the last couple of years, with 1 yr therapy that only served to show us we'd be happier apart.

So the plan was for me to move to Calgary to be with my new-found love and start my life over in this city. I started packing up all my stuff in the house. Except... (and this happened around my birthday)... my new guy became more and more reticent until I learned he in fact did not have a job, had no money from having spent the last six months studying for a certification. With me not having a job in Calgary either, it suddenly changed our plans. I learned this in tears because I'm an idealist and I had believed him when he had said he had a high paying job. Except he didn't have it yet.

So I had to redefine my plans. The fact that new guy had lied to me... there is trust to be restored. I didn't speak to him for a week. I was miserable, so was he, apologizing endlessly. Finally a friend made me realize that life is never black or white, that there are in-between solutions... and I came to see that I had made plans a bit too quickly anyway. So we started speaking again. But I am not going to Calgary anymore. That is, until I have a secure job and am independent.

Meanwhile, D-EX-H asked me to pay rent and half of all expenses in our house. Up to now, not having full time employment, I had always paid a share, but not half, because that would be way too expensive for me. D-EX-H earns about 3-4 times my salary. But now, he said, we are not a couple anymore, he shouldn't foot the bill. "Ask your "fiancé" to send you some money!", he said, with a dark smile. Of course this is out of the question.

As for my employment, I have been treading my way through the restricted waters of French teaching, and now, after much much effort, with a masters, many publications, 4 languages and 20 yrs experience, and only after having started a learning blog, am finally on a list of possible employees in a local Cegep (prep school), where I may be employed this fall depending on registrations. I may get part time or full time employment... but won't know it until September. Over the years, I will have a secure job, though, which, in the world of teaching French, is pure gold.

But for the moment, I still have nothing.

So D-EX-H has agreed to let me temporarily pay a percentage of the expenses. Except he makes my life miserable. He reminds me every second of the day that this is not my home anymore. That since I don't pay 50%, I should not consider myself at home here. This destroys me emotionally because I chose this house, I arranged it, took care of it, cleaned it... but mainly because nothing unsettles me more than not having a home. Most rooms are filled with half-made boxes of stuff. I don't know what to do. I have looked into all other job prospects in my field in this region, and the best I will get are underpaid bits here and there. That's what I get for having studied silly French, and for having listened to my heart and published novels instead of getting a certification in accounting. I am very angry with myself.

I could move to Montreal where my son will be studying. (He is to stay with my cousin and her family). There could be some more Cegep opportunities there. But frankly, it breaks my heart to be moving to another city and start over alone, with no job, and it's not even in Calgary. My fiancé is suggesting I recycle and I agree. It's disheartening at my age but hey, I want to be able to work! He offers to support me while I recycle once he has a job. But will this ever happen? These are still not concrete plans.

We have looked into him coming here but all the jobs for him here are half the pay of what he has been getting in Alberta.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Thank you for reading this long, depressing post. Your ideas and input would be much appreciated.

PS through all of this, I just thank YLF over and over for having taught me to put some order in my wardrobe. Did not fuss about what to wear to go teaching. I have everything I need for this summer, because, luckily, I filled some holes in the Spring following Angie's suggestions.