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My daughter and body image

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

I've been totally hands off with my daughter's outfit choices recently because I love seeing what colorful pattern mixing combos she comes up with (http://goldenpig.lookfab.com/p.....tern-mixer and http://goldenpig.lookfab.com/p.....ion-critic for example). Today she picked this cute Easter dress (a gift from Grandma) and even picked out a green necklace to match. She's got a shirt and shorts underneath so she can take it off for gymnastics class after school. Isn't she adorable? Especially with DS (who always wakes up with a mohawk). I love seeing them together (#5 is when they stole my shoes last night and were having fun clomping up and down the hall--DD again has a cute self-chosen outfit), they are best buddies!

But this morning, the nanny was helping her get dressed and told me that after DD put the dress on, DD looked at herself in the mirror and said, "I look fat in this dress." OMG! She is 4! I asked her why she said that and she said, "Because this dress is really puffy." DH is trying to lose weight, and does talk about having to exercise and wanting to lose weight to be healthier. She has commented that "Daddy looks thinner now", and a few weeks ago she patted my belly and said that "Your belly is fat because Baby and me stretched out your tummy, but that's OK." So she clearly is thinking about how people look.

She rarely watches TV and when she does it is just educational programs like Signing Time or kid's cartoons like Ni Hao Kai Lan. She's never seen a movie. I don't usually watch TV either. I don't know where she is getting this stuff. Maybe from other kids at school? (She's just in preschool, for heaven's sake!) She does know how to read, so maybe I should hide my fashion magazines (although I've never seen her reading them)?

I remember growing up that my mom was always "on a diet" and taking Dexatrim and not eating until she felt faint, so I resolved never to do that to my kids. I've tried to do all I can to reinforce healthy body image, and it isn't even an issue for me (I'm a normal BMI and pretty happy with my body) so I don't know what else to do. I've always tried to be positive about body image, both hers and mine. I always tell her that it doesn't matter what you look like or what you wear, that you are always smart and beautiful. I never ever say anything about my body in front of her, or say that I look fat. I don't even consider myself fat, so it wouldn't even come up!

It's sad that this body image consciousness is so pervasive and starts so young. I really hope it was just an innocent comment and that I'm not reading too much into it, but I can't help but worry!

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Dressing

24 replies

Latest reply was from anne

Vildy

Veteran

Casual remark about how Daddy is a grown up man and can't put his extra fat to good use but she is a girl and is using her fat now to give her body what it needs to grow into the woman she will be?

modgrl

(website)

Veteran

Your kids are the sweetest little things. My daughter is the same exact age and I also let her choose her own ridiculously cute combinations. I do my best not to talk negatively about clothes or food around the kids. I want them to grow up with a healthy body image and relationship with food. My husband is an athlete. Extreme exercise and monitoring the minutia of his diet are a constant discussion point in our house, something that I wish would just go away. We eat a 95% healthy diet, I am more than ok with cookies and ice cream for the other 5%.

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

Yes, I'm pretty relaxed about food too. We try to eat healthy but junk food and sweets (in moderation) are perfectly fine around here!

Jem

Veteran

Your kids are so adorable! My kids are older, so I don't know how the younger kids are, these days, but some probably do talk about weight, etc. Although, I think some children just notice things more than others.

For example, I have a friend who has the cutest daughter. When she was really young, she used to comment on how my shoes matched my outfit, etc. Her mom dressed pretty neutral and she liked my more colorful clothes. She was always commenting on people's clothes and how they looked. She hated her wavy hair (her mom is asian and dad not) and wanted hers to be straight like her mom and sister. When she got a bit older, she told her mom that she didn't like various children because of the shape of their face (nothing to do about race) and things like that. Her mom was mortified! These things didn't come from her parents, it was just they way she was. Her mom has just had to teach her as she's grown about being thoughtful, kind, and loving, etc. (towards others and herself--btw, she now likes her hair, I've heard). Before you think this girl is awful, she's not. (she's 8 or 9 now) She's adorable and sweet and just looks at things differently than others (and is definitely more observant). It's always fun to hear how she sees a situation and she comes up with the funniest things!

Anyway, this has turned out really long, but wanted to point out that sometimes children are just really observant and notice differences more than others. I'm sure that there are influences from others, but also, some kinds just worry about more things than others. I'm sure you will be great about teaching her to love herself regardless and it's good you've already made a conscious decision to not talk badly about yourself. Parenting can be so complicated!

Sunita

Veteran

Your kids are just *so* adorable!

My DD (now 7) has said things like that too. She is a perfectly normal height and weight. In fact, I'd venture to say she is in the 50th percentile for both. Interestingly, my son has the opposite problem...he's small for his age and very thin. He doesn't verbalize it much, but I know he's self-conscious about both. Both my kids are healthy and athletic (soccer and tae kwon do).

My DH also lost a lot of weight recently. We are careful about what we say around DD and haven't heard any repeats recently.

You can't screen what she hears in preschool (older siblings of her classmates, even the teachers themselves). And I imagine it will get worse as she enters the formal school system.

All we can do is teach them self-worth and boost their confidence. But it's hard not to worry...

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Your kids are so sweet, Natalie!

As for the body image stuff, it really is scary how quickly kids catch on to these societal expectations, isn't it? Even when we try our best to make this a non-issue it rears its head.

My daughter is 12 now and I recall that she said similar things sometimes at that age (to my horror!) It turned out she had been picking it up from her babysitter, who was otherwise a completely lovely woman and who hadn't been talking to my daughter but to another adult, and my daughter overheard it.

Anyway...in our case, at least, it was a transient thing, just part of whatever learning stage she was going through. She does not refer to herself this way any more and doesn't judge others on the basis of weight or shape. I think if you remain calm and low key about it and perhaps say something like what Vildy suggests it is likely to blow over.

Which is not to say she won't be faced with these issues later. All we can do as mothers is set the best example we can and as the kids get older we can teach them to be critical of advertisements and media messages suggesting that there is only one allowable body type. I do think low-key celebrations of different kinds of beauty are never misplaced. E.g. if I see a gorgeous larger woman I might comment on that: "Wow, did you notice that beautiful woman in the incredibly stylish green jacket?" etc. (But of course not encouraging them to stare!)

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

Yes, Jem. She is super sharp--very observant and has a great memory. Just like her dad. When I wear something new she'll say "Is that new? I haven't seen it before." DH will notice new cracks in the ceiling and DD does the same, she'll pick out a little chip in the floor or notice a speck of a plane way off in the distance. True story--once when she was three, she was looking over DH's shoulder at his mammography textbook and pointed to the mass on the mammogram and said "What's that?" Even I could barely see it! So she's very visual and takes after DH!

That reminds me, unfortunately the pervasiveness bias about weight in this society also applies to race. We've always raised her to not be biased or say anything negative about anyone else, but she still once said something at school about how one of the teachers looked funny because her skin was dark. OMG. I was mortified. We had to do a lot of talking over that one. We are so not racist here (at all!) but I was worried everyone would think we were!

HelenInCanada

Veteran

You sound like a great parent, Natalie, and I applaud you for taking notice of these issues!

As many others have said, your DD is a darling little firework - she sounds very bright and assertive. Kids aren't born politically correct or brimming with positive accolades! She seems to be working out what the norms are in her world, what is desirable - that is just instinctive. Keep reassuring her of how perfect and healthy she is, how strong her body is - and no need for thinking badly about herself! Obviously it's not ideal for her to think she looks "fat" in the poufy dress, or that someone is "too dark", but at that age (4!) kids call it as they see it, and haven't yet developed a filter for their every thought. Don't be mortified! We shouldn't teach kids to pretend NOT to see what is clearly in front of them - but we can help guide them to understand how their words can affect others, so to choose words that make people in our lives feel good! But "out of the mouths of babes" can often be hysterical - I wouldn't worry too much about it at this stage! Do your best.

ManidipaM

Veteran

Natalie, kids at her age pick up on the tiniest little things, and you cannot regulate what goes on at the school, on the playground, in the streets or in the park --- but you *can* talk to her about it and help her gain perspective. My niece, also a preschooler, came home the other day and asked her mum 'Why aren't you pretty like the other mums? Why don't you do your eyebrows and have pretty skin and do your makeup?' It's actually natural at this age, apparently.

Of course, she is very young, so it is a matter of time before she internalizes all the wise perspectives you impart; but just keep talking. Don't worry --- as aware a mother as you are, you aren't giving her negative ideas; but a child her age *will* learn from others as part of the human learning process and it is up to you to make sure that she unlearns if need be AND that she continues to talk.

If she only learns that it is 'bad' to talk of diets, weight, fatness, race etc (whatever bugbears apply), she will just make sure not to discuss them with you --- which is a bigger problem (seen this with another cousin). Be glad your adorable little girl is still so trusting and open that you have these chances at a teaching moment. And rather than NOT talk about body image, make sure you do --- with positive ideas to talk about. (But I'm sure you're already doing that!)

Anonymous

What a cutie she is!

RandomThoughts (Andrea)

Veteran

I am not much help, being sans children. However both of yours are absolute cuties!

At her age, I imagine she is just mimicking what she hears and sees. If she's sharp, she is picking up on things but _for now_ anyway I doubt she has really internalized any of it. That said, the best you can do is talk about being healthy and caring for the body you have. I think maybe having DH mention casually that his goal is not to 'be thin' but to 'be healthy'. Just changing the language he uses may help.

Sadly I don't think you can shield kids from our image obsessed culture, but you can do your best to raise her to value herself both internally and externally. I know you do!

Scarlet

Veteran

I guess at least she blamed it on the dress and not on herself. Maybe she is just very particular about how things look but doesn't have a big vocabulary to express that yet. Those photos are adorable, btw.

Anonymous

I don't have any advice, but your kids are just the cutest things in the world! Adorable!

Kirti

(website)

Veteran

I'm not going to be any help at all, since I don't have kids. You have adorable kids though

Amy

(website)

Veteran

My kids learned about weight concerns when my husband started dieting. I think their comments about daddy being fat, etc. had more to do with them processing the concept of "overweight" for the first time, rather than an unhealthy obsession with the idea or body dysmorphia. They would parade around the living rooms with their stomachs sticking out claiming they were now fat or pregnant.

Ultimately, there's no real way to shield children from some of society's problematic values. I think the best thing we can do is (a) not freak out when they mimic something they heard or saw; (b) talk to them in a calm and rational manner about the issues; and (c) make sure they're exposed to some positive role models, including, but not limited to yourself.

For the record, I have struggled with anorexia over the years, so this topic is a hot button issue for me. I'm trying to find a happy medium between protecting my kids and not smothering them.

Parenting is hard.

Your little ones are too cute for words!

rae

(website)

Veteran

Have you talked to her about her feelings about the poufy dress, or your belly? Since she is 4, she may not have the negative connotations attached to the word "fat" that we do. Does she feel bad about herself in the poufy dress? Or is she just noticing? Or does she just not like the shape? The former would be alarming, but the latter two just show that she is learning about proportions IMO. Similarly, does she feel negatively about you or your DH because of your tummies? It's one thing if she is judging, but it makes sense that she notices body shapes since that is an age where you are learning all our shapes, colors, animals, etc.

Yikes, I kind of wrote a lot... but I just wanted to hopefully allay your worries a bit. I can tell just from your pics that I was NOT like your daughter when i was young. I felt ugly and self-conscious and shy all the time, and looking at her is like night and day! She is clearly so happy and dresses with zest and joy.

goldenpig

(website)

Veteran

Andrea, my husband will never be "thin"--he's just trying to be healthier and not so overweight, and I think he tries to frame it in that way in front of DD. I know what you mean though. He sometimes laments that he and the kids are short and I try to get him to stop.

Rae, that is a good point. She seemed happy in the dress. She probably was just commenting on the poofiness. She didn't seem upset and didn't want to take the dress off or anything, so maybe I am reading too much into her comment. Maybe "fat" isn't really a negative word for her and I am just jumping to conclusions. She did say that it was "OK" that my tummy was stretched out, LOL!

Anonymous

I am so conflicted about this myself, you know finding that happy medium between presenting the realities of the world vs. shielding, that I don't think I can provide a zilch of useful advice.
Don't alarm yourself. I think she is becoming more aware of her body, and that is a good thing.

RoseandJoan

Veteran

My daughter aged 3 misuses the word fat all of the time,

dd 'do you like my top'
me 'yes, i wish I had one'
dd 'but it would have to be fatter'
me 'do you mean bigger'
dd 'yeah'

I try to place importance on being healthy (like you) and know this is just a phase.

DD learned the term from neighbour who nicknamed her stray cat Fat Cat!

Isabel

Veteran

They are both just scrumptious !!!

First, some times we ascribe meaning to things that the children say with other intentions. She probably did feel bigger in the dress. Maybe that is all it was...it is a pouffy dress.

With that said, my daughter was 7 when she first mentioned wanting to exercise so as not to be fat. This is a very slippery slope. So we talk about being healthy, not skinny. Kids hear allot about eating right, about exercise and being a certain weight. But they rarely hear this in the context of being healthy. I think that you can re-frame it and talk to her about it as she gets older, I think that it will help diffuse the situation.

JennyAnne

(website)

Veteran

Your kids are soooo cute! My 4-year-old boy has recently been telling me my belly is really big. Odd. He also points out people with big bellies on the street (not pregnant ladies). I've told him it's not nice to say people have big bellies or are fat, and he says "I'm not going to laugh at them. I'm just saying they have big bellies." I dunno. I'm hoping he grows out of this one.

ironkurtin

Veteran

When my daughter was 4 she had no filter at all. Now she likes to act like she knows more than she does. (Example: She used "sexy" the other day completely wrong. Like, "Yummy! That salad is so sexy!" DH and I were dumbfounded. Quick conversation on 1) sexy not meaning what she thought it meant, and 2) it not being an appropriate word for an 8-year-old in regard to food - or anything else. Then there was the time she decided she was old enough to tackle the James Herriott vet books. Ever tried explaining a cow's prolapsed uterus to your kid? OR NOT?)

This is a long way of saying that kids hear everything, including permutations of tone, and like to use what they see in some way to see how it works. I've found it helpful to ask questions back at them, like "Why do you say that?" or "Is that bad?" or "Do you think that's important?" Then at least I can have a conversation while the panic eases.

I also believe in smooching when they don't like something about their bodies - "I LOVE YOUR TUMMY!" or "YOU MEAN THIS CUTE LITTLE FACE?!"

Or you could just pretend not to hear them. Like when my 4-year-old daughter tried out the f-word. I looked around. "Duck, what duck?" She repeated the word clearly. "Baby, your stuffed ducky is on your bed, you can go get him." Eventually she gave up. Pretty sure this might only work on curse words and not society bugaboos... but she hasn't said it again in MY hearing.

Aziraphale

Veteran

Hm. Hard to know where she's picking it up. It sounds like you're doing all the right things. It's possible that she's picking it up from your husband, or from others outside the home -- after all, fatness is a big fat social issue. It's hard to avoid.

I've been careful with my own daughter in this respect. I was anorexic as a teenager, and my mom was, like yours, always on a diet and talking about how fat she was (she was not -- in fact she was underweight). So I've always been very careful -- not just to avoid using the word "fat" in reference to myself or to anybody else, but to not talk about looks much *at all*. About anyone. Ever.

Even so, one day my daughter came home from school and asked, Mom, am I pretty? (She was six). I said yes, of course you are, why do you ask? It turned out that the kids at school were all talking about this other little girl (when she was not there) and about how she's pretty. Anyway, I won't go into the details, but....this stuff does come up at school, even if a child makes it to the first day of K without ever having heard anyone comment about bodies and beauty and fat.

I think the best we can do for our daughters is to help them develop really solid self-confidence. They are going to be bombarded by messages from everywhere about beauty and thinness -- we can't help that -- but a girl who's happy with who she is and is confident about her abilities is not likely to suffer from body image issues, regardless of her shape and size.

Now, how to teach that? I wish there were one simple answer. It's a work in progress.

anne

Veteran

Natalie, I don't have anything much to add to the wisdom that you have received in this thread, but have thought of posting on the same topic myself, as my 6 year old has been saying she is too fat. She said some year 7 girls at school were laughing at her for being fat (though she may have been making this up as she is a bit fanciful and not always truthful). She had said it from time to time before that herself.

She is very slight and probably one of the skinniest in her class. She wants to be a chef and is quite into cooking and food and nutrition, but sometimes I feel awkward reading her the books she picks out from the library on healthy eating in case she takes it too far.