I enjoyed reading these stories because as a child - I was very close to my own Mum. She was the centre of my universe, as I am sure many of you are to your children.

And that's really the only way that I can relate to this thread because I couldn't have children. Five miss-carriages (and lots of invasive treatments) later and it's still just the two of us with dogs in our late forties. I have never gone gaga over babies but I am a maternal person. I will never know whether I would have liked motherhood, but my guess is yes, JAileen. I probably would have enjoyed being a Mum and gone through fire for my child.

Xtabay, I wasn't into babies either. Our son has been a lot of fun, more than I expected.

Angie, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you had such a close special relationship with your own mother. I've grown closer to my mother these past couple of days with her fall and hospitalization.

Oh Angie, I am sorry to hear about your miscarriages. Reading between the lines, I had always assumed that you were childless by choice. Still, I think popular media makes way too much of a big deal about parenthood. There are many, many ways that men and women can contribute to the world and make it a better place. Raising good kids is only one of them. You and Greg have so much to be proud of.

ETA and one choice is not necessarily better than the other. The parents I know are not happier than the non-parents. It's a good life if you fearlessly play the hand you've got, regardless of whether or not kids are in the cards. xo

DH and I really lucked out in the kid department; DD22 is a great match for us temperamentally and we all laugh together a lot. I love being her mom and am in complete awe of the young adult she has become and we are still close.

Sometimes it can be a mismatch, and after she passed away I began to wonder if my mother would have even had children had there not been the pressure to procreate in the 1950s.

Unlike DH, I am not much of a baby or kid person, so DD is an exception but was very much wanted. Hit the jackpot the first time; never tried for a second which would have taken major medical intervention.

I know my SIL loves being a mom to her two boys and any number of dogs and cats. But I would never presume that others should become parents, much less marry. (Except for DD: She has to marry before she becomes a parent and better not get pregnant by someone she wouldn't marry. I'm very old fashioned that way plus am cognizant of the legal ramifications of marriage.)

Aziraphale, as a CASA, I can say from firsthand experience that some people should never have become parents.

Donna, how wonderful that you and your daughter sync so well. I feel the same about my son.

Angie, I am sorry to hear your story. After my son, I had the same experience, and the reports after the recent surgery showed he was pretty much a miracle. You are clearly a maternal person and express it in so many ways, including your much loved pets.

And right there Elisabeth - you show extremely high EQ. Your words were a gift to me. Thank you for the generosity.

JAileen, it is never too late to become close to someone. Wishing Mum a speedy recovery,

Una, I'm thankful for your miracle child, and our dogs have the best life on earth. I will continue to Mother those around me because that's who I am.

Angie thanks for sharing your story/history with us.
I'm sorry you went through so much, mentally and physically.
I know that you would have been a great mom from the way you gently guide us all.

Although I was lucky in the conceiving part (my DS2 was born first try after I'd had 1&1/2 ovaries removed), I had one early miss - I think it was early enough back then that it was called something else. No one had ever told me that that could happen and now I know it happens frequently. It would have been useful to know it could happen before it started. And now so many people are getting help conceiving and not talking about it. I've mentioned to my kids that extended family members got help, but because there is a cone of silence around the topic I can't say who. And because I was never told personally, but like it was a big secret. I just didn't want them to assume they can start their family exactly the moment they want. I hope they can, but..

I'm sorry too, Angie, about your medical trials.

I have a desire to say that I feel, in all truth, children are a roll of the dice. And that they are unto themselves. A child can never be your own accomplishment or your excuse. And of course I have to throw in a bit of wryness - what I feel is that they are entertaining responsibilities (!) You get no credit, ahem.

Angie, in spite of the difficult circumstances for my mother, I really enjoyed our time together, talking about this and that and everything.

Diane, it's good of you to keep your family members' confidences. They may decide to open up later. But not now.

But Rachy, we like to take credit for the good things! Of course you're right, though. Having kids is basically a crap shoot.

Angie, I hope our stories haven't opened up old wounds for you. Your circumstances serve to underline why it's never appropriate to ask intrusive questions of a childless couple.
I'm glad you had such a loving relationship with your mum. That is so very precious.

Summer, thank you for the reminder. When you come down to it, we probably shouldn't ask anyone intrusive questions.

Angie, I never realized about the miscarriages either -- I'm so sorry, that had to be terribly painful and difficult! But I know you are an amazing "mom" to your beloved dogs, and you are surely a caring woman with the kind of firm but loving leadership qualities that make a good mother. I've no doubt you would have been the fabbest mom ever.

Count me as another who never LOVED babies. I'm always happy to see them, coo over them a bit, and hold them for a moment, and then I'm happy to hand them back over to their families. My husband is amazing with children -- kids gravitate to him, and he gets down on the floor and plays with them. If circumstances had been different, we would have had children because I've always thought that he was the man I would actually *want* to have children with.

Many years ago, even before I met him, I already had very little desire to go through pregnancy and childbirth. I had already thought that adoption would be something I'd strongly consider. So by the time I met this divorced man with two children, I'd already gone through a lot of soul-searching around this stuff. As we dated and married, we occasionally discussed the possibility of adoption, but quite frankly, our lives and responsibilities were already full enough that we never felt like we needed more.

Janet, your husband sounds like mine, actually. How lucky to marry a man with a pre made family!

Angie, I am so sorry to hear of your losses. It is wonderful that you have managed to build a beautiful life, with your wonderful fur babies. It's good to love.
I too had four miscarriages, before my one son. I'd have liked more kids, but we take what we can get. One special boy and one beautiful dog is good enough for me.

Lucy, I'm very sorry for your losses, too.

Rachylou - I very much appreciate your comment. I think often that parents either take too much credit or blame for how children turn out. Not to say there is not influence, because of course there is. But it has taken being a parent to realize how autonomous another human truly is.

Being a parent has been hard fought for me, and without going into details here, I can relate to the difficulties Angie and others have expressed about that path they traveled. I am glad to be a parent, but the challenges have been many and I count the blessings along the way. There are many ways to live a full life, and some living the fullest are childless, even if not by their choice.

delurked - I'm glad you found it appreciable. Well, I hope it's helpful. My brother used to yell at me about my dd, because he didn't like my attitude when it came to her reading and writing. But the thing is 1) she's not my natural child and had a rough start plus some physiologically-based challenges, thus needed some compensation strategies when it came to information access 2) I'm a professional technical writer and my profession exists for a reason, no one is good as me (hehe) and I refuse to expect it, and 3) she's remarkably gifted in other areas, areas I'm a dunce in. She can't be me. I can't be her. She can't make me into somebody, and nobody is gonna let me on stage with the Rockettes because dd can dance performance-level. Besides which, the girl reads Old English better than I do because she's a musical soul (!!)

And also, man, I got yelled at for bringing home papers with 'only a single plus' - as in A+. My brother may have thrived under that kind of child rearing, but I most certainly did not.

Lol. I love my brother. As my mum says - Year of the Ox, and it shows

Delurked, very wise comments. Thank you.

Rachy, I had an adopted cousin. We were so different. She wrote poetry and painted. We were CPAs and statisticians.

I love reading these posts from different perspectives. I dealt with infertility for 14 yrs (I'm so sorry for your experience Angie, so painful) and had finally come to some kind of peace about not having children. DH and I decided to give it one last go and, using almost every medical advancement available to us, miraculously had our first DD when I was 38 yrs old. 16 months later we were VERY surprised to find that I was pregnant with our 2nd DD who was born when I was 40 yrs. So I feel very blessed every day for these precious girls that call me mommy. That being said, it is A LOT of hard work. Wow. I don't think I really understood. Especially mixing that responsibility with a career. So I'm half crazy but still loving it!

AV, I only had one, but even one was A LOT of work. My husband and I have wondered aloud how we could have possibly survived if we had had any more. I'm glad you were able to have your two girls, and congratulations on surviving the experience!

Early childhood, genetics, and physiology can make for real differences, I feel. I mean, if you're dyslexic, you're dyslexic. My first boss was impossibly dyslexic for a man who owned a tech writing company. But then again, he was the perfect person for understanding the problems communicating with the printed word. Complete disconnect between mind and hand. He'd say out loud what he was trying to write, and it would just be jibberish at the end of his pen. Not something he could train to do and still have time to make a living.

Treatment both in utero and in the early years can have such long lasting effects. The kids I'm CASA to will probably never overcome what they have experienced. It makes me both sad and very angry.