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Looking good without looking "nice"

Greenjeans

Veteran

So, I want to look good (stylish, pretty) without looking "nice." Do you know what I mean? I'm not saying bad-girl or edgy necessarily (though I don't view either of those as negative). Just stylish and pretty but not non-threateningly so. Advice?

Dressing

58 replies

Latest reply was from Greenjeans

Liz

Veteran

Interesting!

Could you maybe post some photos of outfits (street style, maybe?) that have the stylish and pretty look you want, and also some that cross the line over into the "nice" look that you don't want? That might help us identify the difference between the two looks.

Bijou

Veteran

Do you have any pictures of looks that you like? Often if you set up a pin interest page and pull together looks that you like, you can see trends in what appeals to you. You will see certain silhouettes and colours that repeat in the pictures.

Lyn D.

Veteran

I think non- fashionistas often say "you look 'nice'" when they don't have other words for it.
Doesn't mean that your outfit lacks the edge or twist that makes it stand out.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I'm not sure I understand, greenjeans. What is your definition of looking "nice"? And what makes an outfit threatening?

Do you mean not looking polished? Not looking dressy? Not looking precious? Not looking luxurious? Not wearing branded clothing? Perhaps you can expand your thoughts?

Gaylene

Veteran

I totally get what you mean--you've described my thoughts precisely!

My own inclination is to stay away from anything which would cause someone to squeal "That's so cute!", along with anything which could be described as "girlish", "darling", "adorable", or "dainty". I'm not putting down those adjectives--Angie, for example looks great in "dainty"--but they are powerful signals those items aren't right for me.

I guess what I'm drawn towards is attractiveness which doesn't rely on the traditional associations of North American femininity--think Kate Hepburn instead of Audrey or Cate Blanchett instead of Meg Ryan. My personal test is "Would Kate H or Cate B wear this?"

minimalist

Veteran

YES!
Although, I think my version is more classic than stylish. And probably closer to handsome or polished-plain than pretty.

kkards

Veteran

when i want to look good, but not "nice", i wear clothing that emphasis my angles not my curves....so blazers, not sweaters. patent leather shoes -because i think shine is less "welcoming" and therefore less "nice". pointed toes, again becuase they speak more angle and less curve.

unfrumped

Veteran

Fun question, but I need more info also.

Sometimes " nice" is not like " nice girl, " or dainty of twee, but too fancy or dressy for the occasion.
In that case it would be occasion or environmental norm- specific. And the threatening aspect would be it is like a criticism of " the others" who did not try so hard. Then the solution would be to be a notch more casual, more wash& wear possibly , not too accessorized or matchy, not multiple trends at once, not too high- end in any obvious way- more like , oh, this?
That may not be what you have in mind, but it comes up for me sometimes. And I don't always know the solution or perhaps can't decide whether to really try to hit some exact note. " Effortless style" comes to mind.

Echo

Veteran

You kind of had me until the threatening comment, because I am not sure what that means. I would also understand what you meant (or at least I would have thought I understood what you meant) had you not used the word pretty because looking good without looking pretty is definitely a thing.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Hmmm, I think I understand the concept because I can relate, if I'm understanding it correctly. I feel similarly to Gaylene. Especially lately. I am in no mood to convey "pretty, delicate, romantic, cute" or anything that evokes a feeling of relative powerlessness. I suspect this is because of the current political climate here in the states, but I am not at all feeling the urge to dress in a fetching way. Lots of black and strong or deep colors, sharp edges or strong shapes, stompy or edgy shoes (or at least something I can run in), some masculine touches...

I do still want to look "good" and I don't mind a bit of "sexy" but I want to convey it in a strong way that does not play up conventionally pretty or soft aspects.

Not sure if this is close to what you're talking about, but I'd been thinking about this lately.

Sal

Veteran

I can take this in a couple of ways.

Looking great but not too sweet/conventional/polished....Maybe not like "Sandy" from Grease, or "Charlotte" from Sex and the City who both dressed in a conventionally attractive way. I actually like this look but don't feel authentic in it - but to avoid I say you need a bit of casualness (undone hair, worn leather or denim), or if wearing a fit and flare dress for example then maybe sneakers or oxfords rather than pumps or ballet flats.
Not looking too dressy for your environmental norm - that's a harder one if you live in a very casual place and want to look more interesting/trendy. Accessories, flat shoes, trendy denim could be all ways to achieve this.

rachylou

Veteran

Well, for myself, I like a lot of sweet, cheerful looks, but I try to stop myself from wearing them. I started asking myself, every time I see something I really like in a magazine: Could this outfit be made to look a little bit angry? And if I can't think of a way, I cross it off my list. Lol.

I have two problems with nice like this: One, I'm actually not that comfortable wearing happy outfits. Bright and sunny bothers my eyes on me. The second is that I'm awful cheery, accepting and sincere in demeanour, and this misleads a lot of people. You can, for example, date a drug dealer, but said drug dealer will not cross my threshold for any reason.

Hehe. My word is Law. I don't play.

ps: Can't believe how many 'nice' people have tried this with me. It must be the hippie town address...

Janet

(website)

Veteran

Rachylou, I can relate to your second paragraph! I am not a bubbly person (I was once admonished by a boss in a customer service job to "be more bubbly" like one of my co-workers, but I politely pointed out that I was the one fixing my bubbly coworker's out-of-balance cash drawer every night -- I was more focused on being polite but getting the details right!). But I am an agreeable person and have a pretty non-threatening demeanor and build (conventionally girly-curvy figure), so I think that automatically softens *anything* I wear. So wearing ruffles and (most) lace and pink and girly stuff makes me feel way too vulnerable and inauthentic. Especially walking around downtown, to your point.

Marina

Hmm, I'm not sure what you meant by good but not nice exactly. Good looking but not nice as in "well put together but not beautiful/attractive?" or more like "looking beautiful but not in a good-girl/conventional way" or like in "Snow white's queen looks stunningly good, but she doesn't look like a nice person"? Whatever is the case, I believe looking good/well put together has more to do with how you use proportions and colors to value your natural features, while what your overall image projects is about how you combine and style those elements. For example: you can draw X, I, /\ and \/ with straight lines, arch-like lines or mixing both. Knowing where to put your lines to value your shape is what makes you look good. How do you play your lines and adorn them defines if your overall image will be more femme fatale or cheesecake or powerful or girly...
Can you give us a sample of what you mean by "not nice"? Maybe we will be able to give some more specific suggestions.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Fascinating.

I can absolutely understand where Gaylene, Janet and Rachy are coming from because I have clients, friends (and a husband), who feel MUCH the same way about the style and colours that they are in the mood for - and what makes them happy, AND feel powerful. It's one end of the spectrum, and I'm glad there were a bunch of Fabbers here who resonated with the same thing.

My style - on the other hand - is an example of the other side of the spectrum. 2017 is stressful and we have a lot going on. As a result, I have an even GREATER desire to wear outfits that make me feel happy and powerful because it positively affects my mood and state of mind. And my preferences are quite opposite to the vibes that Gaylene and Janet describe. I want to wear brights, lots of white, high contrast, shine, focus on refinement, romance, dressiness, structure, look extra polished and ladylike, and amp up the pretty precisely because I feel strong, powerful, professional, authoritative, and authentic in these sartorial choices. I don't feel that way wearing Hard Edge, lots of black, moody colours, distressed clothing, highly unstructured clothes, and athlesiure.

SOOOO, a long explanation to point out that Janet and I are feeling the same way - we are following our emotions to create an authentic style that makes us feel strong, happy and powerful - but our sartorial choices are very different. And it's all good.

DON'T TAKE THE EMOTION OUT OF YOUR STYLE.

minimalist

Veteran

Context might be helpful to know as well.

In one city where I spend a lot of time, I regularly take public transportation through gritty areas. There are regular snatch-and-run incidents in which a passenger grabs someone's phone, gets off the bus, and runs. Seems this consistently happens to people who look nice, nice like I'd happily have them in for dinner (presuming they're up for trying whatever's in my slow cooker at the time) and leave them unaccompanied while I put laundry in. What were these nice-appearing people wearing, though? Normcore, IIRC.

But, perhaps you meant that your neighbor has been inviting you to volunteer-organization events where everyone is really nice, and you'd like to dress so as to avoid being invited to join...

Help us out here, GJ!

Staysfit

Veteran

This is a great conversation! I am someone who people find intimidating because of my personality, my position, which is powerful, my height, which is on the tall side, but I come across looking taller than I really am for some reason. I certainly don't want to look cute, even though there is a fun element in what I wear because I work with children, and because my colors are in a pastel palette. I want clothes that make me look genuine and approachable at work, but not so much that it takes away my authority. It's a fine line. I would never wear all black for example, because it is too severe a color, and bold contrast would wash me out completely.

Maybe a good word to describe your situation is "authority". You want a look that carries authority. For each of us, the look that creates authority may be very different, as Angie points out very well with her comment above. Authority is more than how we look, it's also about our internal state.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

AHA, minimalist. You interpreted the question quite differently, (and responded fably). Greenjeans, you are getting perspectives from ALL angles!

Staysfit, high five, and I enjoyed your analysis here. I think you've totally reached your dressing goals.

Greenjeans

Veteran

Thanks for the encouragement to explain more, everyone. I haven't read all your comments yet because I'm crunched for time. But look forward to savoring later. In the meantime . . . a little more about where I'm coming from.

I started building my wardrobe up from scratch about a year ago. Have needed everything from socks to hats and am slowly acquiring new things though not at the rate I'd like. There have been hits and misses. I'm allowing myself to make mistakes and am enjoying the process.

One thing I've noticed when I wear the new things together is that I don't feel as altogether great as I'd like. When I was in my teens, twenties and thirties I wore a lot of vintage, Now in my forties actual vintage doesn't appeal as much. (Sometimes you want new things, right?) While the new clothes are certainly nice, I don't feel as powerful in my clothes as I did in when I was younger. (I think powerful or present is what I meant to convey with "not non-threatening.") Some of this is probably due to aging, but also having a less clear vision of where I'm at style-wise now that I'm veering away from vintage. Also, I still have some mammoth wardrobe holes to fill. Like I might get a new pair of pants and not have the shoes to feel like the outfit is right, so I know I'm not exactly nailing it most of the time.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I think I get what you're saying. It sounds like you're still finding your "new" style -- the style you're comfortable in at the age you are now. I know that I can feel a bit too conspicuous if I dress in one too many trendy pieces, and also I feel frumpy if I dress in too many classic pieces at once.

True vintage pieces have limited appeal to me now, even though I loved them when I was younger. Somehow it works better for me (now that I'm in my 50s) to wear slightly retro-inspired new styles rather than vintage pieces, which run the risk of looking like I kept my old stuff from the 80s.

jill58

Veteran

I am very much in the Janet/Gaylene camp. I have always worn a lot of black and neutral colors although my "best" colors are probably jewel tones which I wear a sparingly. The only time I wear bright colors is when I'm running or exercising. I am occasionally drawn to pretty or romantic tops but whenever I buy them they never get worn. It's just not me. I think Staysfit's term -- "authority" -- is a good one. I like clothes that give me a sense of that. I think I always wear some type of heel for that reason too.

I love the way Angie dresses and I love seeing bright colors on other people, but for me it never feels right.

rachylou

Veteran

Authority is a good word. And that is so sagacious, Angie, about different styles channeling power for different people. For example, QEII draws the line with Big Bird yellow and acid pink...whereas I'm pretty sure I'd simply look like Big Bird ON acid in the same getup. Or that's how I'd feel... It's so true about emotion: the emotion has to be right.

Runcarla

Veteran

This is an interesting thread! A month ago I posted about a style change coming on and that I was feeling the need for more 'pretty' or 'feminine' (now deemed a politically incorrect term) and as such I was growing my hair a little longer, and changing up what I would be adding to my closet for S/S.
(I'm zeroing in on blush coloured items, and lace.).

However, to avoid coming off too sweet, I am tempering the blush with black, and wearing the lace with frayed jeans and leather. This is like wearing a jean jacket with a ball skirt.

Maybe you just need a few signiture pieces to love, and to mix in with your newer items?

Greenjeans

Veteran

Great ideas, Liz and Bijou. You know, I don't follow a lot of fashion blogs but do love your idea about collecting images and will start seeking some out.

FWIW, I've attached a couple of catalog images below. To my eye, the one of the right, which skews a little more boho, comes across as stylish and pretty, whereas the one on the left looks nice. Not sure if this helps.

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Greenjeans

Veteran

Love this, Janet. Thank you.

"Especially lately. I am in no mood to convey "pretty, delicate, romantic, cute" or anything that evokes a feeling of relative powerlessness. I suspect this is because of the current political climate here in the states, but I am not at all feeling the urge to dress in a fetching way."

Greenjeans

Veteran

Interesting, Marina, thank you. I think what I mean is that I'm feeling ready to move beyond presentable/approachable and into more stylish territory.

Greenjeans

Veteran

Thanks, Angie. I adore that you brought the word "powerful" into the conversation and think you've really nailed something for me. I want to use clothing more deliberately but am aware I've got a long way to go before I can do consistently. Might a new bag and boots be a good place to start & build from there?

unfrumped

Veteran

Wow, interesting. I was thinking " nice " in a different way. As in, too nice.

You might be thinking of nice as the proverbial faint praise-- boring, bland , ; not as well- fitted. Classic without being modern or updated. The kind of thing that SOMETIMES runs in the Lands End, Talbots, J Jill catalogs- I can say that because I have items from all of those brands ! But have to pick and combine carefully.

The one on the R is much more fitted to the model and interestingly accessorized.

Greenjeans

Veteran

Yes! Authority, staysfit. Thank you.

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