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Getting depressed about weight loss

Fruitful

Veteran

Hi lovelies. I know others have been there before and I know it's flogging a dead horse. But I still want to talk about this.

I've been losing weight lately, mostly due to being on a no-sugar naturopath thing. i'm really happy about getting healthier; not eating sugar and supplementing my nutritional deficiencies is also allowing me to exercise a portion control I didn't know I had.

In just a few weeks I've lost about 4 kilos. I feel like I'm finally starting to get my pre-kids body back (my youngest is 5 lol). It wasn't pregnancy that made me gain weight, it's the stress and fatigue of having children.

The problem now is feeling I have to constantly reassess the fit of my clothes. Yesterday I went to meet some girlfriends for afternoon tea. One of my friends is very buxom, she is heavier than me but I don't see that, I just see her jawdropping curves. She wore a vintage 50s dress with cardigan and sweaterguard type brooches, it was all so pretty, and I don't mean to be rude but you could see her cleavage and it filled out the dress beautifully.

I wore a dress I'd worn a few weeks earlier and had felt very confident in. But next to my friend I felt so small and spindly! I had to struggle to tighten the drawstring of my neckline enough to (sort of) fit my bust (which was encased in a padded bra). I don't know if my dress stretched in the wash but it felt swimming and sacklike on me. I didn't feel very pretty at all!

I know the answer is to keep trying things on, keep reassessing and getting things tailored. I just feel sort of discouraged. I am back down to not being able to fully fill an A-cup; yet I still have huge saddlebags, thigh and derriere fat. This is how my body is. I'm loving the feeling of not being bloated and having a flatter stomach, but nobody can see that!

Anyway, just getting that off my (invisible) chest. I just feel a bit lost with clothes not fitting right and not making me feel pretty, and feeling that no matter how old I am, other women seem much more like women than me. Sulk over!

Dressing

38 replies

Latest reply was from Alassë

Adelfa

Veteran

Fruitful, I can so relate to your feelings (although I focus on different aspects than you). It is SO hard to ever feel okay about our bodies. I'm right there with you.

Tina

Veteran

I had to laugh at the (invisible) chest comment. I think having a sense of humor is so often the key to coping and seeing the lighter side if things. Perhaps one of the things you saw in your friend was confidence. You may need to find one or two outfits that you feel your best in and then wear them whenever you think you'll be in a situation where you find yourself comparing. In the end, you can hold your head high knowing that you are taking good care of your body so that it can do the million and one things it needs to do!

Neel

Veteran

There will always be prettier women. Period. Who knows she might have been envying your flat tummy :). we women are like this!

I become flat chested and flat bottomed when I lose weight. But my love handles always shine in full glory even if I am a mere 45 kgs. So I have decided to camouflage them and enjoy the rest of me

Dee

Veteran

Well, I've never been anything BUT an A-cup, so I totally understand your current neckline issues. Deep V-necks without a cami and anything designed to show cleavage rarely work, but I have found a number of dresses/tops with necklines that fit and flatter. It does take a bit of assessment and trying things on though. Good luck!

Anonymous

I try to remember that health is more important! So kudos on the healthy diet! Also I have never been buxom! I have finally come to peace about that -

T

It can be frustrating when weight change happens, because you don't get new clothes in your new size overnight! You are still wearing the older (now loose or tight) clothes at least until you find time to get to a store and yet at the store you feel lost about buying more or trying different styles (what if I lose/gain more weight?)

Plus all the adjusting to a newer body, it takes time, esp when you consider how hard we can be on ourselves.

I can only suggest that this too shall pass - this feeling of discomfort. And in the mean time, weather permitting, get yourself a wicked crop top to show off that tummy! You will be getting envious looks in no time!

Caro in Oz

Veteran

Big hugs to you. I know how awful it is when those comparison voices start up in my head.

I'm not denying the practical aspects of ill-fitting clothing & I understand why you feel discouraged but when we compare ourselves to others & come up short, or flat, or large in our own eyes, I believe, we need to show ourselves the compassion that we would give our friends or our daughters if they told us they felt that way.

Irene

Veteran

I think it's a huge mistake for society to expect every grown up woman to be at least a B/C cup. Where did we get this idea totally escapes me, since there have ALWAYS been mothers with rather small breasts. I feel like USA is particularly obsessed with that part of the anatomy, both men and women.

Being flat chested, doesn't make you any less anything (except busty).

I get the part where your clothes don't fit like they used to, but as long as you can afford some new pieces you'll be fine.

E

Veteran

*hugs*

I spent years stressed out over my small bust (there isn't a push up bra on earth that can give me 'real' cleavage): my mother and her mother and sisters are all that 50s hourglass shape, so I suppose I expected when I hit puberty to become like them. But I didn't! And it made me feel like I was still prepubescent or a boy. :/ So then I tried to gain weight so that I would be "buxom and curvy," as you put it, but that didn't work either. So finally I just began looking for small busted role models (the ballet is fabulous for this: those women have strong thighs too!), and I realised that a lot of my favourite clothing styles work more easily with a smaller bust anyway. And somewhere along the way, I not only made peace with my shape, I began to actively enjoy it. I actually prefer how I look braless now, even though wearing a t-shirt bra (not padded but molded cup) defines my bustline and makes it look a bit larger; I only wear a bra under knits because society would frown on me otherwise.

I still admire buxom women and find those curves beautiful: if I gained 20 or 40 pounds and found myself in their company I wouldn't complain (although I'd have to rethink all of my style preferences!). But I also find beauty in my own version of curves; I think of my bustline as delicate rather than flat, which somehow makes a difference.

Anyway, figuring out how different clothes played differently with my bust made a huge impact on my self esteem: now if I try on a top or dress that gapes in the chest, I know it was just cut for a different body type, and not that I'm somehow inadequate or too small. And I almost never even try those types of clothes on anymore, because I can see on the hanger whether they'll work! But you said you already know that's the solution.

So I'll just commiserate with you: it does suck when bodies change and our brain hasn't adjusted and our clothes suddenly make us feel not-pretty.

For me, what makes me look my absolute curviest, is a fitted long sleeve crewneck tee shirt or thin sweater. Not vacuum sealed but definitely a body con fit. Shows off my waist and fairly flat stomach too. You could always try that, although it's probably too warm for an Aussie summer.

Fruitful

Veteran

Great suggestion regarding the bodycon, E. I think I've absorbed so many messages about modesty and looser fits here that I'd forgotten that probably suits me best.

Listening to all the other messages you've all posted too

Ornella

(website)

Veteran

Fruitful, I once read something that really made me retihink how I look at things:

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

You have so many reasons to feel happy about your progress, success and new-found energy. And there will always be someone out there who, simply by their own being, will seemingly point to what's not as perfect about you.

It sounds to me like your voluptuous friend simply knows how to dress her curves and enjoys dressing... V-neck, pin, vintage vibe. I bet she would look totally different in a bulky crew neck and nonPPL pair of flared jeans, but she knows what suits her. As simple as that. You did not describe her as trendy, but pretty. To me that's timeless. Because, she knows what to do with what she's been given.

Do your own thing. Enjoy in your own successes. And your healthy body. And in the fact it changes the way you want to change it now. The dress you wore may be a sign of a) bad fit or b) good eating habits you're adopting. It's how you look at things that matters. You have one body which is as it is - it will never be as someone else's. Learn to love it and how to dress it so you express what you love about it - and yourself. The rest will come.

Jewell

Veteran

*HUGS*

I can relate both to the feelings of inadequacy over a small bust and the frustration over fit when gaining or losing weight. It would be great if we had the option to choose where on our bodies we gained or lost weight. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way and often times we are surprised by the silhouette that emerges as a result of weight loss or gain. So, find a body part you love as is and dress to flatter that part, find a few outfits or clothing items that make you feel great during this transition, celebrate the healthier you, and praise your body for all the wonderful things it can do/has done (like bearing children). I have plenty of curvy friends who can't have children and would gladly trade their cup size to experience that joy.

viva

Veteran

I think it must be difficult to start with some curves you love and lose them in order to address other weight issues. I don't ever have much of a chest -- 34A at my heaviest weight, and it's just downhill from there. So I am very used to looking boyish. I think E is right that there are materials and looks that are particularly flattering for small chests that are more difficult for large-breasted women to wear, so perhaps as you address your other weight issues you can have fun playing with new materials on your upper half. Look at images of Cameron Diaz or Kate Hudson for inspiration or ideas of tops that can be flattering and sexy even with minimal or no cleavage; they are both very, very small chested.
PS You are so beautiful -- I hope this feeling will pass.

Liz

Veteran

Just a little commiseration. When I lost weight, I was really surprised to find I was now dealing negative body-image issues.
Nobody had ever mentioned such a thing could happen! I loved being at my lower weight but didn't like the new proportions. I felt little, and not in a good way. And I had the sinking feeling of "this is as good as this body will ever get" (flat chest but legs and hips still quite large). I had to work through and come to acceptance about some body stuff that hadn't been an issue at all when I was overweight.
So I just want to affirm what you're experiencing, and that you'll come out the other side.

Suz

(website)

Veteran

Nodding along. I've always been small chested, but when I am at a higher weight I am definitely bigger in the bust. And losing weight altered that for sure, meaning I couldn't successfully wear the styles that had been standards for me in the past, like wraps and surplice. I made some shopping mistakes until I figured that out.

If you're still in the process of losing, you're still in the process of change, and it can be hard sometimes even to recognize yourself, I'm sure. But over time, your body will "settle" into its new shape, and so will your eyes adjust. And then you'll have the objectivity you need to shop for your new shape.

It's funny -- our society puts so much emphasis on weight that many of us imagine that once we're at our ideal weight, dressing will be easy. Well, it typically is easier -- once we get used to the new shape -- and particularly if we were at the higher end of size ranges at our higher weight.

But really, size isn't the whole issue. More important in dressing ourselves well is understanding shape and proportion. And losing weight can definitely mess with that, meaning we need a whole new fashion education.

We tend to think, "Ah, if only I were thin..." But attaining that goal then shows us that our body dysmorphia goes deeper. It sounds as if you are getting closer to the root of that -- which can be painful -- yet when you come out on the other side, you'll have incredible confidence and self-assurance. Hugs!

PS I am not one really to offer advice about what to do in the interim. In the six months that I was actively losing weight, I wore a uniform of yoga pants and a tee for almost everything. Fortunately I was working at home and didn't have to go out a lot! I bought one interim shirt and one interim jeans midway through my loss, and otherwise wore said yoga pants and/ or one of two or three elastic waisted jersey items in my closet!

ironkurtin

Veteran

This thread really resonated with me. Thanks.

Although I never wanted larger bosoms. I don't see the point. I have a B cup and they're fine, just a bit of a pain to strap down when I go running.

ETA to add:

When I first discovered that my favorite jeans were too big, I had a nervous fit. I DEPENDED on those jeans! In my head, I had already devised dozens of outfits for those jeans! It was terrible. Then I discovered that none of my workhorse summer dresses fit anymore. They hung off me like sacks. It was painful. So I empathize.

At least our shoes will always fit.

Janet

(website)

Veteran

I'm so sorry this is getting you down. I understand. Even though I don't have that issue with the bust (conversely, I struggle with finding running bras that have a small band size but go beyond a DD), I know the frustration of hips and thighs that refuse to get significantly smaller while the rest of me shrinks!

It takes time to adapt to body change. You are beautiful!

Peri

Veteran

No one has written from the other point of view so I will chime in. As a D cup myself, I can guarantee you your friend has envied you at some point. She has wished:

She could go bra less at home in comfort
She could wear a sundress with little skinny straps
She could wear turtle necks
She could wear chunky cable knits
She could wear halters
She could wear some stunning gown with one of those silly stick on bras that claim to work and are a big joke unless you don't actually need a bra at all

We all think what we don't have is better. That list made me do it right now! I love what Ornelia said...comparison is the thief of joy.

Catnip

Veteran

Congratulations on the weight loss and taking steps to be healthy!

I understand how frustrating a changing body can be, Some years ago I lost about 25 pounds. You might think that would have made me happy, but it didn't. None of my old clothes fit and when I went shopping I couldn't find anything new that fit. It took at least two years to adjust to and get comfortable with my new shape. I eventually realized that, while my body had changed, my mental perception of my shape also needed to change.

It's so difficult to lose weight and keep it off, but so worth it. Keep up the good work!

Anonymous

If there is any consolation, I would probably qualify as one of those voluptous women... Heck, I so wish things would just drape.
I think the key here is to realize that changing your weight or your physique is not going to change your perception of yourself. Not happening. Also, weight loss often gives you a bit of a hollowed facial look that improves with time as your body settles with the new weight, perhaps that has you feeling not too fab?

qfbrenda

Veteran

I can't identify with a tiny bust--a solid C here--but I totally understand losing weight and having to figure out a new body. I used to have curves! Not so much any more. I lost weight, lost my hips, and found SHOULDERS. Sheesh. It's not a bad thing, but it was so different than what I was used to. It took a while to get used to my new body and learn how to dress it.

I love that line: Comparison is the thief of joy. So true.

claire

Congratulations on getting healthier, cutting out sugar has so many health benefits aside from the weight loss. So here's the flip side to you... I have gained over 30 lbs in the last two years and I have a belly and lumps and bumps and boobs. I've gone up two or more cup sizes and at least one band size, and I hate them. I'm so self conscious, I see nothing but boobage (hence my new love for ponchos!), my tops don't drape right and nothing fits how it should, even sizing up. I don't feel pretty or womanly, just big. So perhaps it's not just about the boobs and hips and whatnot but how we feel in our skin?

ETA: I don't mean to sound like I don't sympathize with you. I do, just from the flip side. And I echo what Gigi said, a professional bra fitting helped me feel a bit better. Do you have a good lingerie store that does professional fittings? It can make a big difference!

Gigi

Veteran

Ah...cleavage envy. I have it too! I'm always thinking, "If I could have just one more cup size...then I'd be happy!"

I myself am somewhat skeletal in structure in my upper half, so I know what you mean about the "spindly" comment. It's hard when everyone else seems so supple and curvy!

One thing I will mention in conjunction with your bust is that it's possible you're wearing the wrong bra size or not the best bra type. If your breasts are shallow at the top, you're not going to be able to fill out even a regular A cup very well. I would try a demi bra, which has low-cut cups. When I switched to demis, I thought, "Wow!" when I looked in the mirror. It was the first time I was happy with a bra. (And it wasn't even a push-up!) Another thing I found (thanks to some threads at YLF) was that I was wearing too big of a bra band, and the larger the bra band, the larger the cups (even an A cup). Your bra band number should be close to your underbust measurement. I have been wearing a 32A, but I really should be wearing a 28C. For every size you go down in the band, you can go up a size in cup--so if you're wearing 32A, you could try 30B, then 28C. Getting the correct band number allows your breasts to fill the cups better and positions your breasts more on the center of your chest instead of further to the sides.

I will also echo what Peri said. I have been going braless quite a lot lately, and I do wear a lot of spaghetti-strap stuff in the summer (also without a bra). I do think that smaller busts really look good braless! IMO, it looks very feminine.

Hang in there! I'm glad you got off the sugar. I haven't eaten white sugar in years, and I felt so much better once I gave it up. I haven't had a cavity since then either. The rewards are amazing.

Linda

I have a colleague who is tall and willowy, and very slim. She told me that she has lost a good deal of weight as she has aged; I have conversely added girth. I would SO love to have her build -- it's what I think of as model-like. She, on the other hand, has always envied me my hair. Not sure why, I think her hair looks fab. She often doesn't dress -- it's not something very important to her, although she dresses when she needs to for professional reasons. If I could rock a pajama bottom, tee shirt and utility jacket the way my friend does, I'd be thrilled.

It seems we all envy some aspects or qualities of others, at least some of the time. I've been thinking lately a lot about my paternal grandmother, who, since doing a bit of genealogy, I've realized was rather a fashionable member of our family. I DO remember her as having these amazing dresses, when i was little, but didn't realize how much more aware she probably was than any of the rest of our clan. She was the only person in the family to have a fine bottle of perfume on her dresser (Lanvin). I think she had a few night creams too -- she was taking care of her looks. She too tended to the ample figure as she aged, so I've been looking to keep her as a bit of an inspiration whenever I think oh, to be slim and angular! (It doesn't hurt that she was absolutely my favorite grandparent!).

Please, please, wear and enjoy a close fit and those bodycon looks. I adore them, and I USED to be able to wear them, and looking back now on those times, I wish I had appreciated my good fortune in having a trim, fit figure!

Echo

Veteran

Congratulations on your new healthy lifestyle and your weight loss! That takes work and perseverance, and is something you should admire in yourself. I think others are right that many of us have body envy all the time, regardless of our weight or fitness level. The American "ideal" of a Barbie thin waist and hips WITH great cleavage rarely happens naturally. At a healthy weight, we almost all revert to our true body shapes.

I am hourglassy when I carry more weight, and I honestly feel a little more va-va-voom. When I am at a healthier weight for me, I am more rectangle-ish. My waist doesn't seem to budge much, so I can either grow or shrink my bust and hips around it.

I think it is wonderful that you can still appreciate a curvier figure when you have lost weight, as many people seem to get judgey and phobic about fitness and weight. Now you just need to fully inhabit your new frame and find the proper ways to love and appreciate it. It's new right now, and change is always hard, but it will come with time.

Beth Ann

Veteran

Such good thoughts on this thread! No need to add to what has been so beautifully stated already, but I wanted to suggest that you consider "capsule" dressing. Perhaps you could look at the weather and your calendar, and then prepare a small capsule, with mix and match outfits for 2-3 weeks. I do this even though my weight loss has been glacial (around 2-3 pounds per month). Right now, due to weather and being between teaching semesters, my new slouchy turtlenecks, black jackets and relaxed skinnies have been the backbone of my "apres holiday" capsule.

I think it might take a little time and planning -- probably a couple of hours, if you try on and snap photos like I do, but you'll feel fabber each day.

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

Oh, the tediousness of having to try on your pants each week to see if they fit! How I remember that - that was most of 2013 for me. And as everyone has said, changing proportions are frustrating too; all of a sudden your FFBOs aren't FFBOs anymore.

Zapotee mentioned how your face looks after quick weight loss too - my face as well as my body are still changing and shifting around, even though I've been at 'maintenance' since October ish. My husband, who lost 55 pounds at the same time as me, still has a bit of the drawn face look even though he's still overweight according to the charts.

I think that for those of us who have been overweight and wished we weren't, when we do lose weight we think it will solve all of our figure and dressing issues, and of course it won't, and it's uncomfortable to realize that. But real bodies are imperfect and flawed, and of course all the more admirable if you think about it in that way. The grass is always greener as posters on this thread have indicated.

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

Congratulations on your weight loss and improved health. Sorry you're having some body image issues, I think we all do. I like what Peri said. Also, swing tops are trending and they look miserable on even a medium bust. But they look amazing on a small bust. Also, tent type sleeveless tops are trending and again, look frumpy on all but a small bust.

Lyn D.

Veteran

Thanks for posting!
On a selfish level I am taking all this great info in as I have thin daughters who can really only get their size in teenage stores - fine whilst they are teenagers but what then?
Personally I too have lost weight recently, but have a B cup, thankfully.
I have read that the clothing standard is made for my chest size, but both my girls are barely A and generally clothing in Australia does not cater well for sizing below 8 (US 4)
I agree that a well fitted bra for when required is key, and more body-con items with higher necklines might celebrate your new figure too.
And whilst the weather is hot you can wear pretty dresses with pattern or frills with great pizazz

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