I’m in a bind. I’ve been faffing about trying to decide what to wear for far too long and I’m late. Now my fairy godmother’s arrived and she’s the kind of bad witch they burned at the stake back in the day. She dresses Grace Jones, Bjork and Roisin Murphy. She thinks Tilda Swinton is a bit tame and Solange should get out of her comfort zone. She doesn’t exactly do Red Carpet.

I really wanted some Comme de Garçons but she nixed that, said it was daywear and gave me this Alexander McQueen corset instead. I put it on and no kidding, it was like being trussed up like a turkey. I couldn’t sit down.

Then she pulled out this vintage Margiela cape made from human hair. No, it’ll freak people out I told her, this is YLF not some Japanese horror movie, and anyway what if it catches on the furniture?

Next she showed me something by an up and coming Korean designer but it wasn’t even a dress. I said it wasn’t that kind of party and if I wore that everyone would be too embarrassed to speak to me.

Then she found this one dress from Iris van Herpen. It might work, but I think it looks like a poofy snowflake and I told her so. Fine, she said, then it’s perfect. That’s exactly what you are.