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Fashion vs Style

Anonymous

I went to a party yesterday that included a large number of older men and women. I attended believing that I was fashionably dressed (thanks to YLF) and discovered that I was only moderately well dressed.

I studied the older women around me and they LOOKED GREAT. What I noticed is that they were all wearing ensembles that flattered them in terms of color and fit, especially fit. I can't exactly explain it, but it seemed to me that they transcended fashion and were instead stylish. The younger women at the party looked "off" whereas the older women looked amazing. I was wondering if the younger women (myself included) were following fashion too closely and gave the appearance of having just thrown on clothes they picked up off the floor.

I did not pick my clothes off up off the floor. I was wearing a black silk blouse from Lord & Taylor that I normally feel wonderful in and red jeans that I absolutely love. This outfit should have made me feel happy and empowered. Yet, I felt poorly dressed. I don't understand this at all.

Dressing

28 replies

Latest reply was from rachylou

Helena

Veteran

Hi Gabrielle, first of all, I'm sure you looked beautiful - comparison is the thief of joy, I'm pretty sure Suz quoted that somewhere

However, I do relate to what you are saying - if I try to wear something trendy and see a stylish woman (as you define above), I feel silly - but if I wear something I feel stylish in, and see a trendy woman, I still feel refined and great. So I think fashion should be at the service of personal style - always. If fit and flattery are there, then the trendy pieces can make things look fresh and modern, but without there, there is always that risk of looking or feeling like a fashion victim.

In any case, do enjoy your trendy pieces!!!!!! It's entirely possible the older women were looking at you with envy!

Suz

(website)

Veteran

What an interesting (if painful) experience!

I would love to hear more. Who were these women? (I think we all need to meet them!)

Also, when you say "older" -- what age range do you have in mind?

Just off the top of my head, one of the key advantages of age is that we come to know ourselves better. Women who are older and who bother with fashion/ style at all are likely, by that point in their lives, to know what works for them. And not to play around too much with stuff that does not.

Another advantage of age is that we sometimes have more disposable income. (Not always, of course.) But where there is more money, the clothes are likely to be more expensive. In most cases (not all) a higher price point contributes to a better cut, better draping, etc. Also, they may have had the clothes altered for a better fit.

gryffin

Veteran

Gabrielle - your outfit sounds lovely. I agree with everything torontogirl said so articulately. Can you tell us a bit more about the older womens outfits. What was it that made your own feel inadequate? You sound like you wore something elegant and minimal -(my personal favorite). What it accessories, cut, level or formality? I am not sure exactly what element you are responding to so I don't think I can be of much help. Did you feel authentic in what you wore or was this trendy for you? Try to tease out exactly what was making you feel uncomfortable.

Isabel

Veteran

Yes, a little more detail please. ; )

I immediately thought that if Kate Moss attended the same party as Elizabeth Taylor, Kate might feel the same .

Suz

(website)

Veteran

ETA: Wanted to add a few other thoughts --

To everything, there is a season.....meaning that what constitutes great style might change with age.

Or, your feelings may be a sign that you are wanting to shift your own style direction.

neonginger

Comparison is the thief of joy... thank you Torontogirl. That said, I am sure you looked amazing and there was someone in that room who was admiring your style.

Anonymous

First off, you women are amazing. Thank you of the boosts.

The women I am thinking of were all ~70 and older. What made them stand out in my mind was how impeccable they were dressed, yet incorporating very modern and current fashion elements (example, one woman was wearing dark turquoise sweater with a bright red cardigan). The color combination nearly took my breath away. She gracefully floated around the room.

I think I felt inadequate because I "felt plain" and unimaginative. My silk blouse floated away from my body giving off an untailored, messy vibe. I think if I had worn something a bit more fitted and refined with my red jeans, I would have felt a lot better.

I don't know these women's financial circumstances, but their clothes were very modern and fitted …. fit them like a glove (without being tight). It was as though everything had been custom made for them.

Meanwhile, the other younger women at the party also seemed to be dressed only so-so. They were wearing jeans with just plain old dark colored sweaters. The fit wasn't a standout and they, along with me, faded into the background.

I think I am going to go with that quote about comparison. I was meeting these people for the first time and I was nervous. I wanted so much to make a good impression and I may have tried way too hard.

Minnie

I'm sure you looked fine, your outfit sounds very nice.

I believe that most older women realize that well-fitting, or tailored clothes look best on them and will forgo fashion for fit. They also by now have figured out which colors flatter them and dress accordingly.
They use fashion as a tool to look their best instead of following trends that don't flatter them. A 20 year old in ripped jeans may look trendy, a 70 year old in the same jeans not so much.

gryffin

Veteran

Gabrielle - don't forget that as the body gets older the lines of the body soften. It is vitally important to reinforce this loss with tailored clothing. They are at a different stage of life. Drape does not have to be messy it can be soft, arty, edgy, eclectic and graceful. But the question is what is your underlying aesthetic? If you are wearing a fluid fit but are really a tailored person then seeing these women would have put you into a tailspin. If you find tailored clothing conservative and aging then you might not have seen them as very modern. It's all perspective. It does sound like these ladies were very elegant. Do you know, I bet they would have been enchanted with a complement and profuse in their discussion. I know you were nervous but even the most awe inspiring person will melt for a sincere compliment!!

viva

Veteran

When I see older women whose style is amazing yet modern, they tend to be modern in terms of color choice and material but they stick with more tailored cuts. This is the real difference, I think, and what makes them always look more pulled-together, sharp, and sophisticated than younger women. Fashionable older women seem to hold to classic fit and play in other areas, and the result can be really breathtaking and elegant. IMO, it can be very difficult for a young woman, even a very fashionable one, to be elegant if she is sporting trends related to fit -- oversized, overly fluid, etc.

Peri

Veteran

I'm wondering if it is a feeling about the looseness that is current now? I'm definitely embracing it and loving it, but maybe you were admiring their timelessness, that they looked more classic? Because perfectly tailored would describe classic style.

Also, the casualness of everything...another trend that is great for me. But women in their 70s weren't brought up in the casual era.

The women I know that age often look "rich". For one, better jewelry...many moe years to inherit and be given diamonds and pearls.

But here is something else it may come down to....your kindness. Many younger women would look at a room full of women in their 70s and see age, bad hair, datedness, and assume they were too old to be aware of what was current. You looked at them more closely and liked what you saw. Good for you.

mrseccentric

(website)

Veteran

oh, Gabrielle, i've had similar experiences and it was very hard - a lot of negative feelings about yourelf, especially after you've tried and thought you had 'got there', so not fun.

But - they are feelings, and strong feelings tell you that you're dealing with something important to you. Of course you'll need to tease that meaning out for yourself, but in my experience this kind of situation can really be the catalyst for a lot of positive and FUN changes! So take heart

First, what a smarty you are to post about this here. Second, gryffin said, "Do you know, I bet they would have been enchanted with a complement and
profuse in their discussion. I know you were nervous but even the most
awe inspiring person will melt for a sincere compliment!!"

A few months ago i was hanging around a shoe shop onTelegraph (Bills') while hubby shopped. The young woman helping him (mid-twenties at most) asked me my age. I said, "50". Then she said, "You are exactly how i want to look when i am 50 years old!" Oh my goodness, i blush merely in the recollection. At that point she had me in the palm of her hand and i was more than happy to answer all her questions.

I'd encourage you to give it a go. You don't have to tumble to the bad feelings if you don't feel comfortable, it's easy to just say, "Wow i love style and 'insert specifics here - color, cut, jewelry, etc.', i am wondering how you got interested in style and what it's been like for you to get to where you are today?" I've noticed with that generation that some ladies feel it can be boring to talk about themselves too much so you may have to ask some follow-up questions to encourage them.

I also agree that you could be looking at a style shift coming up. At any rate, good luck and try to look at the useful things this could be telling you about your style. steph

Vicki

(website)

Veteran

Gabrielle, thank you for posting this, and as soon as I read the description of your outfit, it seemed lovely (you can't go wrong with silk!).

Yes, please share more details, as to the event and the specific things that jumped out at you as you observed these women. Colors, materials, styles, silhouettes, shoes, handbags, these must have given you some impression.

I'm in the older ranks and it can truly happen at any age; sometimes we can end up at an event that really doesn't reflect the "real us" and it's not that we're unfashionable, it may be that our style is just different from those assembled.

Gaylene

Veteran

Well, Gabrielle, if it's any consolation, as a member of the 65+ group, I'll tell you that looking stylish in one's sixties and seventies isn't as easy as it might have looked on the surface.

Two things, though, I think might be at work here--and they have nothing to do with fluid fit vs. tailored fit or the amount of money in a person's clothing budget. First, by the time you reach your sixties and seventies, you realize you can no longer rely on the transformative powers of diet, exercise regimes, or other self-improvement programs to re-invent yourself, so you tend to put your focus on being the best version of your current self. That means paying attention to details like hair, skin, eyewear, under garments, accessories, footwear--all the supporting elements that turn dowdy into stylish. Second, by this age, most of us have a tendency to want to "own" our look instead of following every trend that comes along. That means we are willing to invest in fewer items of higher quality because we know that we'll be quite happy to wear these things for a long time; we dip our toes into current trends judiciously and carefully to update our "tried and true" style favourites.

My advice would be to enjoy your current stage and embrace the fun of playing around with different fashion personas, styles, and trends. I love the idea of a mutual admiration vibe between older and younger women; you get to show us the inventive and exciting side of fashion while we older women get to play with the more sophisticated and elegant side. In my books, that makes us both winners.

Marmee

Veteran

Gabrielle, I'm sure you looked great, but I can sympathize. I have been in that same situation…my most recent experience was wearing a silk shirt and a moto jacket. If I had been with my peers, my outfit would have been perfect, but the combination of leather and zippers was too much for the crowd! have learned to think about what others will be wearing when I plan my outfit. I don't necessarily wear the "standard uniform", but dressing in the genre helps!

always trying

Veteran

speeking for older women, I can say one thing-best to only try for elegance. That is what I do, thus I am always trying! When I don't try for elegance I try for comfort and appropriatness-these are also the basics that come before elegance. If even one element of your outfit is uncomfortable it will show itself. Your mind will be, in part at least, trying not to look even a bit uncomfortable--as my big issue with getting rid of the uncomfortable shoes..

And yes, you are right about "trends"-knowing what doesn't suit you. Not to be boastful here, but I am so pleased when I get compliments especially from younger people- I will always remember two recently form younger men. For some reason I seem to not get it wrong any more-Ican remember going to functions 20 or so years ago and feeling just wrong, but not knowing why! al lot has to do with being old enough to just be yourself, because no one really cares but you!

Any advise I could give-and I certainly am no Angie, or even close, as to say what anyone else should wear,,But the key is knowing want suits you-knowing your best and worst features and doing your best to dress accordingly. by the time one reaches a certain age, one has a better sense of this.

Mary Beth (formerly LBD)

(website)

Veteran

Is it possible that you felt out of your element, or perhaps stifled, being with a group of people that seem affluent and cultured, but that you don't know well?

It may not be merely a matter of style, but that you feel you are having to watch what you say, mind your P's and Q's, etc., make a good impression. You had an outfit that you always have felt great in - so perhaps the dissatisfaction was part of a larger feeling of being judged overall, or worry about not measuring up. I think everybody has those feelings at one time or another.

Quite probably, those very polished women were silently admiring your look and wishing they were more daring in their choices.

And it may also be that you are bored with your go-to outfit or look. I experience that periodically, which is why I own waaaay too many shoes.

CocoLion

(website)

Veteran

Even though I spend more money and time on fashion, when we go out my mother might look better (she's 80). She has real jewelry. Diamonds, pearls, emeralds etc. Then, her clothes. Even though she practically hates clothes due to her plus size, when she goes out she wears expensive classic things. She really likes the upscale knits of Misook. They drape impeccably and are classic-minimal in style, a perfect foil for her jewelry collection. It's simply another generation where you had good clothes for good occasions. I, on the other hand, will spend $300 for a pair of ripped up jeans, but will spend $60 on a cocktail dress, and wear all fake costume jewelry. I think this generation, coming of age in the 1950s and early 60s, really knew how to dress for a party. My generation, wore jeans (I'm 55). So even though I'm very close to being in that older woman group, or by some estimations already am, I am still a different generation. My Mom is the Mad Men generation, and it sounds like the women at your party were too.

Gigi

Veteran

Yes, I know that deflated feeling. No fun! But hopefully it will turn into an experience where you can learn more about yourself and your style.

Even if you liked the way these women dressed and were blown away by it, that doesn't mean that that's how *you* need to dress or that you weren't dressed well. We're all different people inside. Is this possibly about self-acceptance? Can you accept that you like to dress the way you do and that you get emotional satisfaction out of it?

I think that the posters who mentioned that these women are just at a different point in their lives are right on. As we get older, I think we are drawn more to tailored, classic styles because that's what looks "right." But when you are younger, other styles look right in addition to the tailored classic style. I think that being able to experiment with trends is part of our emotional development and part of learning about who we are. When you are older, you are supposed to have most of that under your belt already, so you can just stick with the tried-and-true.

gryffin

Veteran

Gabrielle - I started a thread in response to your query. Thought you might get some ideas from it!! http://youlookfab.com/welookfa.....e-trying-t

ironkurtin

Veteran

I'm wondering how much posture and poise had to do with it. It is true that truly ladylike, classy older women can make us chippies feel gaudy and like we're trying too hard. Maybe it's all about growing old gracefully.

Anonymous

Gabrielle, I'm sorry you had that feeling at your function. I have had it many time. BUT, as I look back now, the outfits of the other women I admired have served to inspire my style as it is today.

I had the same gut reaction to reading your story as (I think) Steph (mrseccentric) did. This could be a huge defining moment in your style. Especially if you think you'd like to aim more for "stylish" than "fashionable". They are two different things, although they can certainly overlap. Think about it and see how you feel.

Laura (rhubarbgirl)

(website)

Veteran

I read this thread earlier and have been thinking about it since. My mom used to say something to me when I was a kid along the lines of "don't wish away your life." Of course, as a teenager all I wanted was to be an adult and be the sophisticated people I saw all around me. But now that I'm a bit older I see what she meant. Every stage of life has its benefits and its challenges and the women I know that are 60+ have figured out what they like and what suits their personality, and usually have the time and/or money to pull it off.

We always talk about age-appropriate dressing in the 'mutton dressed as lamb' sense but I think it can work the other way too. Obviously you want to be respectful in a formal situation but it's weird to pretend you're something that you're not. (Using the you in a general sense here, not aiming it at Gabrielle personally!)

Beth Ann

Veteran

I love being in the company of vital and engaging older women! It gives me such energy for the future! I'd encourage you to be inspired, rather than intimidated. Perhaps try out the color combo you mentioned: deep turquoise and red, in your own way. Also, I think Suz may have a point. Perhaps you've got a style shift coming?

Jaime

(website)

Veteran

Gabrielle I do not mean this at the expense of your feelings, but it is sort of wonderful that being an older women is being recognized in this thread as something to aspire to rather than avoid at all costs.

In terms of how you felt, I agree this discomfort might be a symptom of a need for a style shift rather than a true reflection of how you looked, which, from the sound of it, was quite good! I also agree that it is important to enjoy each stage for what it is and not wish any of it away. All that experience eventually gives birth to wisdom (I hope!).

Deborah

Veteran

Such an interesting thread. Most of my thoughts have been covered by I there's here so not a lot to add. It does sound like a style shift may be on the horizon. I would suggest that when we have a strong sense of our style self it doesn't matter what or how others dress around us. And just as a point if reference I find very little style inspiration in young women these days but I find myself very inspired by woman my age and older, women who defy convention and wear what they like and what looks good on them regardless of what's trending.

unfrumped

Veteran

Really enjoying this post.
After doing more wardrobe review and editing- with spring finally here for real-- I know I'm looking for a kind of sustainable style that feels right but still modern. The comments on fit are timely. I keep coming back to fluid tailored fits as having more versatility and longevity.

rachylou

Veteran

You know what, I actually can't imagine that. I am wondering if the older women had more dignity rather than more style, if you know what I mean...