American culture

Julie

This question/topic is related to Tanya's thread on what to wear to her conference. Is it part of American culture to look down upon those who take pride and interest in their appearance? Our culture is so inappropriately casual in my opinion and I find that if you do take the time to dress up you are looked down upon. A lot of people have related to Tanya's experience. I know in the mommy world it is a badge of honor to not shower or brush your teeth. For me, I showered, did my hair and makeup 12 hours after my daughter was born. I think it so important for me to take care of myself so that I can then take care of my kids properly. That being said I often get snide comments about my appearance as if taking pride in my appearance means I don't have time for the kids or I don't want to play with them.
Is this part of American culture? Is this a similar problem in other cultures? I know there are people on this forum from all over the world - do you experience these dilemas? I remember Angie saying on another post that she really only sees the "mommy wardrobe" in America. If everyone took a little more pride in their appearance, as I know they do in Europe, would this be less of an issue or am I simplifying it too much.

17 years ago

General

11 replies

Latest reply was from katieck

Tanya

Veteran

Dear Julie, I am not quite sure of this. I am originally from an Eastern European country where people tend to almost always dress-up if they are going out of the house, so I am finding the USA thing pretty disturbing. I do not have any kids yet, so I can not comment on the mommy culture, but in my home country there is no such things. But I totally relate to how you must feel with all of the snide remarks.

Other then mommy and science situations, one other field where I find it particularly annoying is dressing for opera, ballet, theater and such. I am constantly amazed at people attending these in jeans/shorts/sneakers. At home these are regarded pretty formal ( cocktail-like attire in the least, a minimum would be a dressy black bottom with a nice blouse) and it is regarded as a sign of disrespect to the performers and the venue to dress sloppily.

But these are the only two cultures I have experienced so far so I can not make generalizations.

17 years ago

Anonymous

The word respect hit a chord with me Tanya. I have often said it is a sign of respect to have a clean, tidy house when you have guests coming over, as opposed to what some people say which is, "They don't come to see your house, they come to see you".
It is respectful of ourselves and others to have a nice appearance. Is it only in America that we have the laid back surfer, beach bum-beach bunny, hippie, half naked, attitude? I am a U. S. West Coaster through and through so have been very guilty of the above personal laid back no-style. I'm on a mission to change that and I'm glad you brought up 'respect'.

17 years ago

Rosie

Veteran

I, too, am a native Californian, currently living in San Diego which is probably the most casual city in the state! I think I am a pretty relaxed person and I enjoy being laid-back and casual; however, I think there is a time and a place for it. Like San, I have found it all too easy to fall into the trap of allowing myself to become too casual, particularly at work where we can wear shorts, sneakers, etc., and it's a law firm! I am encouraged by this site to reclaim my style and not be so lazy about it.

Tanya, I completely agree with you about the way people dress for the theater or the opera. I don't know that casualness in this area is a part of the American "culture," per se, because I certainly grew up with the idea that you get dressed up for these events. My parents are extremely laid-back people and are not fancy at all. To this day, I refuse to wear jeans to a show and I am pretty shocked at the number of people who do (ok, unless it is outdoors at night, then anything goes). Somewhere along the way we have forgotten tradition and how to be respectful through dress. You hit the nail on the head.

Julie, I found your comment about people looking down on you for taking the time to look good when you have children really interesting. I'm sure everyone on this forum would applaud you and agree with you that you must take care of yourself before you can take care of others! It does seem that moms of young children have lost their style (a generalization) or have begun dressing in a uniform, depending on the city.

17 years ago

Dani

Veteran

Julie, I see the same thing with moms in my area. No one has said anything to me personally, but I live in a pretty urban area and also one that is very conscious of appearances (overly so in some cases). I see inappropriate dress all the time at functions or at events and I feel so sad that this has become our culture. I would love it if everyone dressed for the theater or to go to dinner like Europeans. I feel that America has fallen into a very casual state of being and it has begun to have an effect on attitudes both in the workplace and in everyday life. I feel better when I take care of myself and look nice. I'm working to bring my wardrobe around to fab but functional.

17 years ago

Patience

Veteran

One day a few years ago, my husband who is in high tech, decided he was going to break the casual work attire mode and wear button down shirts and khakis at the least for work. He told me he did it as a sign of respect for his coworkers. I think he came up with this all by himself and needless to say I was very impressed. I will never forget it. One of his coworkers noticed the change and commented on it and my husband gave him the same reply. This coworker was also impressed. Maybe if we gave something like this response in a frank and friendly way whenever we are accosted with negative energy, we might be able to turn these attitudes around.

I think that when people make negative comments about your dress, they are reflecting on themselves, and not on you. Apparently they have an attitude to match their style or lack of. Most moms I know, both working and SAH are concerned with their attire. They may need a little guidance and they may be wearing lounge wear at home but when I see them, I can tell they have put effort into themselves even at a casual level. Once again (like Tanya's conference thread) the proof about your abilities as a mother is in the children. Are they generally well behaved, secure and happy? Attaining this does not exclude looking and feeling good. I would say it requires it.

When you dress well, people will look at you and take notice. The ones who have put less effort in are either going to start thinking of ways to spruce themselves up or they're going to feel helpless or inadequate and shed that energy on you.

17 years ago

Sarah

(website)

Veteran

I have experienced this not so much in the work place, but within my own family. My husband's family lives in a small TX town, and they are always dressed down. The house is messy, the hair is not brushed, the clothes are mismatched and cheap. Whenever we visit, my husband and I are always looked down on. Almost like we're trying to be better than everyone else. I'm not sure what it is, but it is certainly a challenge for me especially.

My husband works as an IT Analyst at the largest Health Care company here in Austin. Most of his co-workers dress very casually, but my husband dresses very nice. He frequently gets negative comments from his co-workers.

But I've found that I have more self respect when I try to put an effort into my appearance. So while it might be hard being around the negative energy of others, I feel good about myself. Let them think what they want.

17 years ago

Anonymous

I was a teacher for many years and still volunteer teach about 5 classes of preschool and elementary school children a week. I am appalled at what teachers are wearing to teach..faded jeans and shapeless T shirts. Yes, teaching can be hard on clothing. I have to wear clothing that allows me to sit on the floor, get possible paint and melted wax on it, etc. But I've learned that how you present yourself makes a big difference in how the children respond to you. You must show that you respect them and yourself if you want respect in return.
My life style doesn't really allow me to wear the clothing I'd like to wear on a daily basis (like skirts and more expensive investment pieces), but nice pants and tops don't have to be expensive. A dab of fragrance and some cute jewelry are appreciated by children too.

17 years ago

Anonymous

I think Angie's mission to encourage the smart casual dress code is definitely the way to go. With the general trend of casual-ization of fashions in America these days, it is a way to be casual and still respectful of the situation...and works in almost any situation! From the moms on the PTA, church/temple gatherings, most workplaces, evenings out with friends, dating...it just goes everywhere. And is still very respectful both to the environment AND yourself.

17 years ago

Julie

Active Member

I was always taught that how you dress is a sign of respect towards others and yourself. I am always appalled and what I see people wearing. I actually just got back from Sam's club - WOW! I think often when negative comments are made it is the person making the comments realization that they are underdressed. I don't ever want to make anyone feel badly about themselves or look down on anyone, but I think our very casual culture makes people think it is okay to go to the grocery store in pajamas or shop for a car in a sweatsuit that is too small. I think when people then encounter someone who is dressed in a casual, yet put together way it is like a jolt and a recognition that they too could have dressed up for the occassion and looked nice without a lot of money or effort.

17 years ago

Nicole

Veteran

The whole "mommy" thing is an excuse for some people. I see parents of 8, 9, 10, 11 year old kids dressing like they are going to get spit up on at any given moment. It's a bad and lazy habit and people are afraid of branching out, changing their look for fear of comments from the peanut gallery. I don't think a week goes by that the YLF forum doesn't have at least one new member talk about how they don't feel they fit in with their community because they dress up. Some of us are more willing to risk looking different than everyone around us.

I think it's human nature to critique people and base opinions on their appearance. I'm guilty of internally critiquing people who go out in public in sweat pants, pajama bottoms, and stained shirts. And I'm sure they look at me and think 'Why is SHE so dressed up?"

This is why it's important to dress for your own happiness first. Because there will always be people who just don't get it.

17 years ago

katieck

Active Member

Oh, ladies. I feel so at home with you, especially after reading this thread.

I can completely relate to what Sarah said about her in-laws looking down on her for the way she dresses. They think I'm a snob, citified and aloof. Many years ago, before I had kids, we were at a family cookout. I was wearing BR capris, a simple BR top, and heeled casual sandals. My MIL asked me why I was so dressed up. I was shocked. Pardon me for not wearing baggy denim overalls, but I prefer to look nice.

I have 2 kids: a 5-year-old daughter and a 15-month-old son. I have always, always tried my best to look nice, ESPECIALLY b/c I'm a mom. I refuse to be a mom who lets herself go simply b/c I'm constantly busy/overworked. I applied lip gloss and mascara after giving birth, and wore a headband in my hair. I didn't look fantastic, but at least I TRIED. I admit I'm appalled when I see moms out in public in pajama pants.

I'll write more later, but I wanted to address this thread.

17 years ago

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