The good thing about being 50 is that *my* peers definitely don't look like that!

LOL Carter!! Love it!!

The best thing I ever saw on this was a meme that my hubby got in his email one day. I was a beautiful, bikini clad fitness model (your friend maybe, Mo? LOL) in a sexy pose with a sultry gaze, and with all the implied thoughts behind it...She's thin, she's beautiful, she's young. She has it all...

And underneath the caption read

"Remember...Somebody, somewhere is tired of her sh*t...."

Mo, you yourself pretty much bring out those feelings in me. And I know that is not your intention, you just look good, girl.

Even if I did exercise and diet my ass off, I could never attain certain things. I also know lots of people who are very fit and yet don't have that look. Everyone's context, starting point and priorities are different. Honestly, when I see some of these photos and their captions (think Maria Kang) I think, where do you get off assuming I *want to* be like you, with all it entails - generally, quite a bit of obsessing? Do you want a partner who would post that shot of you on the internet?

Mo, just do what we did and move to a retirement location where you are nearly *always* the youngest ones there - even when your 50+.

Seriously though, living in Austin was making me feel a bit of what you are saying. It's a very young town. I had younger friends, young employees, young neighbors, etc. They seemed often as they would rather starve themselves than to gain a half a pound. And some would sort of "parade" around or try to show off in (to me) inappropriate ways. Like sitting without closed legs in their mini skirt, or wearing very tight fitting, low cut camisoles to go to work or out for dinner, then complain how cold they are the entire time. Often seemed to be really needing attention.

I'm fit, I workout, I eat really well. But I'm not going to do the 1200 calorie a day so I can be ripped thing. It's just not my personal style. I LOVE food and love cooking and wine, etc. And I would never do the "enhancement" thing, again it's just not my style. Not saying these women have, but you know what I mean.

I wonder how much you have in common with them though - I mean are they good friends, or just coworkers you are friendly with? Do you *feel* competition when you see them? I ask because if I felt competitive with a friend in a way that made me feel sort of like I wasn't looking forward to seeing them, or if I felt they were too "needy" with praise, it would probably be a sign that I need to expand my friendships to some other people for better balance. Nothing against them, but people who tout their beauty and hard work "too" much can really suck the fun out of their friends.

Oh, and by the way Mo, not that you are asking to be told, but you are beautiful, you look very young, you have a fantastic figure and from all I know of you, you are a very fit and healthy person.

LOL, Jules -- I was about to add, if my husband posted a picture of my butt on the internet, that would be grounds for divorce. But then I remembered all those jeans back-view shots I had asked him to take for YLF purposes!!!

Get outta town! First of all - I thought this post was going to be about hot flashes!!

Second of all - you are WAY hotter.

Third - some people think they are still in high school. Forget about it. That's why I never attend reunions. Never. Don't want to put myself through that ever again.

Blech.

Your friends are gorgeous. And so are you, Mo.

I love what Crutcher said. Comparisons take the joy out of life. Everybody rock on at every age and size. Where you are in your head over 40 trumps it all. THAT, no one can take away from you, and you're completely in control of how you think. It doesn't get more empowering than that.

I have to come back and read the comments, but yeah. Also, I hate the urge to cattiness (are those her real boobs?) that looking at these pictures instantly bring to my mind. She's gorgeous! I don't need to drag her down! But man, I work out HARD and don't look like that. She's genetically gifted, plus having the time/inclination/energy... I do the best I can. And as a trainer at my gym said the other day "You look good for a woman your age!" I didn't even punch him! Now THAT is to be applauded.

I went to a public high school full of very wealthy students, and almost all of the girls always had magazine-quality make up/hair/designer clothes/etc. I had an ugly duckling adolescence, a wonderful mother who had no knowledge of hair/makeup/clothes, and hadn't developed a sense of style yet. I felt terrible every day being surrounded by those girls, so I completely understand where you're coming from. For me the solution was graduating & going to a granola Midwest liberal arts college (lol) & growing into my looks, but now that I live in south Texas again, I still feel off when I go to certain areas of town, which seem full of beautifully groomed women. However, I just don't have the energy/money/interest to meet those kinds of standards, so I try to notice those thoughts and then let them go, instead of letting them circle around in my head. I don't know if that would work in your situation though, since it's your work environment!

I took a psych class in college & one of the studies found that people of similar attractiveness level are often friends/peers with one another. So if you're surrounded by very attractive peers, statistically you're at the same level of attractiveness yourself! I'm a nerd, so learning that actually helped me rejoice in my friends' beauty without it triggering my own insecurities. Perhaps it'll work for you too.

Mo, I find that when I am resorting to comparisons it is either because a) something is amiss in my life and I don't have the agency to change it or b) random funky moods attributable either to low sleep, hormones or just malaise.

Echo everything others said about your enviable physique and level of fitness. Good luck with your race!

http://lifehacker.com/comparis.....-499152017

Soo... you know what's interesting, my peeps don't comment on looks. They have a thing about keeping your head from getting swelled and pounding down the peg that sticks up. My neighbor's peeps, on the maternal side at least, are all about looks. They wouldn't let her have dinner when she was little if she was *looking heavy.* The mother and grandmother are the sort of people who say *don't call me mother* in public.

Of course everybody is affected by looks, but I think it interesting the difference in what people consciously emphasise. The value they consciously place on looks. What exactly do the looks do? I've not gone out with a *hot* guy whose looks got me treated the way I wanted to be treated. I have vague recollections of tacky clubs, lots of men in v-neck sweaters and no shirt underneath, speedboats, and fake boobs. Like a movie setting where Tom Cruise is gonna come online as the bartender. Also, that worst date ever of mine was with a *hot* guy. That was the one where I fell asleep from boredom while he was talking about his *5-year plan* and being an *international marketing manager* or whatever. Fell sideways, almost out of my chair.

Although, of course, I trust your friends and peers are not that boring, Mo. Haha. But I'm just saying... I don't understand what the looks are supposed to do for me?

I posted this mostly because the phrase "this is what 40 looks like" was the caption for my hair stylist friend's DH's post and within the same 24 hours it was the title of Toronto Girls thread. One reminded me of the other. And I got to thinking on it. For the record, I don't stay up nights wishing I looked more like ____. I have a pretty healthy sense of self and am content (for the most part - we all have little things we'd change if we could). But I was more struck that many of the 40ish gals I know are quite fit and or look younger than what I used to think 40 would be when I was a little kid.
The first pic is a good friend of mine, and a wonderful gal. She's the one who drove me to the airport to move here last fall, actually.
The second gal was a high school friend I'd lost contact with and re-found online many years later. We are not close. But that's what I'd get if I went to a high school reunion LOL!

You know, though, just because when we work out and diet we DON'T look like this is no reason not to TRY to look like this. I know people who are like, well, I'll never look like that, think I'll eat a bag of Oreos. It IS possible to come closer to a fit, healthy average, even if we never inspire our husbands or anyone else to post our butts online. (Not that this is my goal. The moment my unairbrushed ass is on social, someone is dying painful.)

Oh, well, I have to say 40 definitely does NOT look like what you'd expect it to, looking at 40 year olds 40 years ago. If y'all can parse that. I mean, as that one comedian says, used to be you dropped dead at 45 from a heart attack and were *grateful for it.* My uncle is a retired cardiologist. 40 years ago cardiologists didn't have much they could do for you - prescribing rest was pretty much it. I am always struck looking at pictures of Jean Harlow - she was what, 22?, when she died. She looked like 40 looks now. The lotions, potions, HVAC, and labour saving devices work...

I second everything Angie says about comparison being the thief of joy.

And Jean Harlow was 26 when she died.

@ E - I think that's the Social Matching Theory? It also applies for your partners and it doesn't really jive if you kind of have a mate who is better/worse looking than you, unless there is something else to compensate for it (usually money).

I'd kill my husband if he posted a picture of my butt on Facebook - regardless of how "hot" it looked.
That being said - Mo, who really cares about how these other women look????? There are so many other things that are much more important than hotness, aren't there? Right now, one of my dearest and oldest girlfriends is going through her 3rd round of chemo treatment - now that makes any obsessions or angst I might have about my appearance seem so silly and insignificant and shallow. So - just stop it, OK? (Don't mean to shame or scold you - sorry if I come across that way!)

I love what Janet and Crutcher said.

Okay, I feel the need to clarify for everyone - I'm not feeling angst or 'less than' these ladies. I think many of us find at times we do compare ourselves with that which we are surrounded, even casually or subconsciously. Maybe working in a bar in a tourist town lends me to a different baseline. But it's MY reality and day to day that I'm standing next to. It was more an observation of mine, but I feel it's touching on some nerves, as it was not intended to.

Mo, if I stood next to that every day, I would definitely start comparing. We can't help it. It may be the thief of joy, but it's also normal.

Timely post Mo. I don't think anything that you have said is offensive or even off base. I think that in the world we live in looks are a very important issues. Especially the shape of our bodies. I was just reading lyn*s post and she addresses a lot of what I'm talking about. I personally have been thinking a lot lately about body image, age, size, exercise, health, and nutrition--pretty much the whole ball of wax. Health is my biggest concern but I admit I am overly concerned with appearance, especially with certain figure flaws. I even play this ridiculous game with myself--what would I swap my perceived flaws for--and surprisingly (!) I haven't found anything I would trade.

It would be awesome to look like these ladies do! and I would be lying if I said otherwise but that's me. And I'm also not prepared to spend every minute of every day working toward looking like that. So...I made the choice that I am happy with. But I take nothing away from them--they do look awesome but (pun intended!) if my husband posted my Butt on the internet no matter how great--there would definitely be trouble!

Ditto to every single thing AngelaK said in her second paragraph (including the threat of violence to my husband if he ever posted such a photo of me :-).

I'm getting a big dose of perspective right now. We have two friends dying of cancer. One has six months, one has six weeks. I look at my life and the choices of how I fill my days, and I don't regret not making the gym my full-time job. Not one little bit. I'm as "hot" as my active and healthy lifestyle and my love of good food and drink will allow me to be. So be it.

Oh good to know Lyn! I have only the haziest memories of it, as I took the class when I was a freshman 10 years ago (!). I have no clue if it's generally accepted amongst psych people or a fringe thing or what I'd think of the research bolstering it now though.

Mo, your friends aren't alone: http://globalnews.ca/news/1455.....ing-squad/

So... then there of those of us who look at YOU and and feel the same way as when you look at them. And I'm younger - by LA societal standards, I should be obligated to be at least as fit, if not heroin skinny. :T

Echoing Angie's sentiment with firm conviction!

I saw an article in the Telegraph (maybe?) that showed "hot" women in their 50s--they all looked alarmingly, alarmingly young. To look that way would require a full staff of nutritionists, cooks/chefs, trainers, facialists, beauticians and plastic surgeons. While there is a genetic component to looking "young" and fit, there's also the cost/benefit analysis. Bracketing genes, one could choose to spend X hours and X money disciplining one's body and recruiting others to help oneself, religiously following prescribed workouts and keeping food diaries, etc., in order to look a certain way; but we choose not to because of other priorities that bring us more meaning/fulfillment. The body you have is, to some extent, ultimately one you choose, and you should feel empowered by that choice. Hopefully you do!
NB: I started lifting weights less than a year ago. While my body hasn't changed much, being able to lift 1.7x my bodyweight has certainly altered perceptions of what I consider attractive.

Mo, you are amazingly gorgeous. I don't like the way your friend looks at 40! She looks desperate to me, which is aging. (Sorry) You can be moderately fit, not have washboard abs (NOT feminine!) and STILL be a beauty at 40 believe me.

Janet I love what you said! Brilliant! The last sentence is my mantra.