What to wear when visiting a cancer patient? - YouLookFab Forum

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What to wear when visiting a cancer patient?

Julia

I got a very bad news, one of my friends got lung cancer and may only have a few months left. She is one year younger than me and got two boys 5 and 9 years old. I've been feeling very sad lately. She lives in Dallas, TX. I'm going to visit her on the second weekend of October for three days.

My question, what should I wear? I don't feel like dressing in colorful clothes but I don't want to wear black and white either. I think that I'll go with casual or smart casual style and will wear minimal accessories. Does that make sense?

Dressing

23 replies

Latest reply was from Laura

Nicole

Veteran

Oh Julia, I am so sorry to hear this terrible news. How tragic.

I honestly would not worry about how she will perceive your clothes. I'm sure it's the furthest thing on her mind right now. She'll just be happy to see you. You should wear what you would normally wear if you were visiting her under different circumstances.

Anonymous

That is the worst news. I feel so bad for you, and her, and her family.
I think you are right to keep the colors muted to earthy, rich tones.

Anonymous

That makes sense, although several cancer patients I've known really want to be around cheerful people who will make them laugh and brighten their day. Of course you need to be comfortable.
I'd suggest being sensitive to her mood. She may really need to talk about it and vent to someone who isn't family or want to laugh and remember better times with you...or both. She is fortunate to have you as a friend. May you be blessed with all the wisdom and empathy you need.

Tanya

Veteran

I am so sorry to hear this Julia, my hearth goes out to you and her and her family.

I would personally choose something simple and comfy, not necessarily black, but not neon either. I do not think it matters that much anyway, she will probably be very happy just to see you.

Sihaya

Veteran

Julia, I'm really sorry to hear this having just lost my 37 year old friend in TX too to cancer. I would be yourself and dress as you normally would as much as possible. Everything I"ve seen you wear has been tasteful and to me would seem appropriate. Maybe you want to bring along a couple of backup outfits to match her mood just in case. All the best.

Dani

Veteran

Oh Julia, how terrible to receive such devastating news. I agree with the others that it would be best for you to dress in your usual manner. I've never seen any of your outfits that wouldn't work for this trip. I wish you strength for your visit.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Oh Julia. I’m so, so sorry. I wish the family strength as they battle through this tragic time. No doubt you will be of utmost support to your friend and her family.

I’m speaking from experience. My mother died of liver cancer 8 years ago. Dress how you would normally and be yourself. Keep it neutral if that makes you feel more appropriate for the situation. Where there is life there is hope and your friend will enjoy seeing you as she knows you. Good luck.

ImogenL

(website)

So sorry to hear about your friend, truly devastating news. I do work with the Look Good Feel Better program and one of the things they tell us is not to wear perfume, as some cancer treatments make them very sensitive to smells.

Other than this, just be yourself, that is what your friend wants, not to be someone that you're not. So wear your regular clothes, lighter colours and less contrast are more friendly and approachable, earth tones help people open up to you.

Warmest

Julia

Thank you so much for your support everyone! I knew that I could depend on you.

I was not worried about how I would look but how it would affect her mood. Neutral colors sound good to me. ImogenL, thanks for the tip on not wearing perfume.

Thank you again for your kind words, they mean a lot to me.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

I trust you'll make the best wardrobe choices, Julia.

I also wanted to add that a certain sense of familiarity is more important than you might expect. Familiarity breeds peace and solace. These are comforting emotions to surround your friend with at this point of her illness.

Take care.

Ana

(website)

Veteran

Julia, this is terrible news. I'm so sorry.

I don't really have anything to add on the fashion side of things, but know that I'm definitely keeping you and your friend in my thoughts.

shiny

Veteran

What everyone else said, just two comments:

1) If she's going through chemo, bring her some really fabulous hats and head scarves. She may be losing her hair - which, for many people, can be way more distressing than the cancer. There's a site somewhere that sells the perfect non-slippable head scarves for just this purpose. Fun and colorful. Let me know if this is her situation, and I'll try to dig up the site URL for you.

2) Not to fill you with any false hopes, but my DH's uncle was dx with lung cancer 6 years ago, given only a few months to live, and is still going strong... despite being dx during those past 6 years with a very rare form of completely *unrelated* skin cancer, and *unrelated* brain cancer... on top of the lung cancer!! A triple whammy. He's amazing. The doctors can't figure it out - he's doing the research circuits and has been poked and prodded and examined and documented. He shouldn't be functioning at all - the brain cancer is that pervasive. And yet, he is. You'd never know he had cancer. He says his secret is pretty simple: he keeps a positive attitude and simply lives for the here and now.

Angie

(website)

Fashion Stylist

Hats are a good interim idea. My mother never wore hats during chemo, BUT, she wore the best wig when she felt up to it.

I’ve done wig research and the best wigs come from Canada and Belgium. If you get to this point with your friend Julia, have the wig styled at a hairdresser. It can look amazing. They’re able to highlight them and style them like regular hair.

Ana

(website)

Veteran

My grandmother had several wigs when she was going through chemo, and I think you're right Shiny, losing her hair seemed harder on her than the cancer. She started wearing the wig pre-emptively, and I came over one day, and I hadn't realized she'd gotten a wig--I just thought she had gotten a fab new haircut. I could not even tell it was a wig. I went on and on about how I loved her new haircut, and I think that made her feel a little better.

Shiny, that's a great story about your uncle! Julia, you said your friend is in Dallas. There is a cancer treatment center at MD Anderson Hospital in Houston. I've heard it's one of the best. I'm sure wherever your friend is going here in Texas, she's getting great treatment.

Julia

Thanks a lot shiny! A hat, scarf or wig is a great idea. Your story is so encouraging, I'll definitely share it with her. I'm not sure how much she cares about how she looks now, she never mentioned it when we talked on the phone, all she wanted was to be able to live longer for her young sons. This is the last chemo she is going to do, she has done several already and if this one fails it'll be a month or two left according to the doctor.

I haven't seen her in almost 7 years and I didn't care much about my cloth/look 7 years ago, so Angie you brought up a very important point about the familiarity. I was unconsciously worried about it when I asked this question since I have changed a lot, even though it's a good thing I'm not sure how she would react to it. Maybe I'm thinking too much and I should just be myself and dress in simple neutral colors and outfits.

Ana I'm not sure which hospital she goes to but it's in Dallas. She said the treatment was great so I really hope that she can go through this chemo and get better.

Thanks again for your comments!

shiny

Veteran

Julia, you are obsessing about what to wear because it helps you focus on something other than your anxiety about your friend. This is completely normal, and I would have (and have had) the exact same reaction.

My brother was dx'ed with a very aggressive prostate cancer last year, at only age 45, which is very young to have this cancer. It's the kind of cancer that will very likely come back - someday. He is doing well - just completed a 100-mile bike ride in the LiveStrong challenge and was one of the Top 15 fundraisers.

Meanwhile, my mother is a 16 year breast cancer survivor. And I have several friends successfully battling various other cancers.

One suggestion is to see if she has any interest in internet support groups. There are a lot of them, and my brother and friends have found them to be immensely helpful. They can vent to people who know exactly what they are going through.

Of course your friend needs to be a realist, and get her house in order to prepare for the worst; but ... doctors can be wrong. You can take her emotional pulse once you get there, and if it seems appropriate, there is no harm in hoping.

Becky

Veteran

I don't have anything to add, Julia, except that my thoughts and prayers will be with you and your friend. Your presence will be a blessing to her.

judy

Veteran

That is such challenging news. What a good friend you are to go and be with her. Your presence and your faith will mean everything to your friend, Julia! Keeping your clothing items simple and low maintenance will allow you to focus on what is really important.

About healing and Shiny's story of living with cancers....first of all, while people take care of themselves and do treatments, one thing that is very important is not to believe in the "death sentence" that a doctor gives you. They are just doing their job based on their best experience, however, there is not much documented evidence to give you for spontaneous remissions or as Shiny discussed, people who just keep going, despite all the evidence that they shouldn't!

There was a woman on Oprah a year or so ago who made a documentary called Crazy Sexy Cancer about her battles and triumphs of living with a diagnosis.
http://www.crazysexycancer.com/

She made the choice to live...and got married, despite doctors telling her she just had a few months or limited time and despite statistics that did not look promising for her type of cancer and the treatment options. I'm just sharing this information, not so you will overwhelm your friend with it, but so you'll have some knowledge that might give you some faith to be with her on a new basis.

I have a friend who was in the hospital for a brain tumor once, and she asked people in our faith community to send her love and prayers. She said she could tell that some were sending her "pity energy" as she called it. And she had to ask them instead to send her "the strong stuff"....no feeling sorry for her, no fear...she said she could literally feel the difference. I personally have not experienced being on the receiving end of this, but I just pass that on for whatever it's worth. Her sharing that made an impact on me and how I am able to be there for and with others in need.

I don't mean to get on too much of a soap box here, but it's scientifically proven that nothing we think is solid matter, including the body, is solid at all. This is why there can be spontaneous healings and regenerations. It's not something we have to preach to another, but knowing it can affect how you are with her...and your simple hand holding and listening and love will mean everything to your friend. You could probably wear a paper bag and all she will see is your beautiful face beaming at her. I wish you a meaningful time with your friend.

oops...sorry this is SO long!

shiny

Veteran

Judy, you put into words much better what I was trying to say.

Just want to add that I have learned (the hard way -after numerous gaffes trying to do the right thing) that it is best to ask your friend "what do you need from me right now?" You don't know what emotional state she is going to be in, and it may change from moment to moment. I have learned it is best to simply ask.

For example, my brother went through a dark and gloomy stage where he hated to hear anything all rah-rah, you can beat this.... which is my nature and I find it hard to turn off. So I kept pissing him off with my mistimed but well-intentioned comments.

When I figured this all out, I learned to ask him what he needed. And during that stage, he really did need someone to listen to him obsess and worry and be dark and gloomy. He didn't want to vent those fears on his wife and kids. It was very hard for me to be the sounding board for that, because of my own anxiety over his health... but you do what you have to do.

And then - with little warning - he switched into the "don't pity me" stage - just as Judy's friend did. He is much more open to the whole positive energy and prayer stuff now.

judy

Veteran

That's a good point Shiny...about what they need. It makes me wonder too, what does faith look like? I have found that being present with someone without fear and pity can be a wordless (on my part) experience...and that I can listen to them vent and share in a new way, a way where I don't get scared! People usually tell us what they need...and it does require paying attention to them in a new way. Faith doesn't necessarily mean being a cheerleader, does it...it can be a quiet, stable, presence for them when everything feels like it's falling apart.

Julia

Shiny I think that you hit something: I was obsessed about what to wear to avoid my real anxiety. I didn't know what to think after hearing this news. I was scared and was not sure what I could do to help when I'm there. It's a good point to ask what she needs and I'll see what I can do. The trip is really about her and how I can help her to be strong and to fight the cancer.

Judy thanks for the link and the story of your friend. I have a feeling that my friend would need positive energy and support from me to help her fight it. I'll ask her if she wants to join any online support group or would like to read books, blogs or other people's stories so I can send those information to her.

All of your stories and experiences helped me to understand more about what people are like in those tough situations. I'm more prepared now.

By the way, this forum has become more than just a place for talking about style and clothing now. I feel that I'm in a big, warm family and I can share any feelings with you and gain strength and knowledge from you. I'm very grateful for that!

shiny

Veteran

Julia, I think it's because for many of us here, clothes are just so much more than something you wear! Some of us shop to deal with anxiety or to destress or distract. Some of us love the self-expression part of fashion. Some of us are in the midst of transforming our outward appearance to better match who we are inside. Some of us are in the midst of major lifestyle changes (having babies, moving into mid-life, moving into retirement). Etc, etc.... i.e., it's not JUST about fashion or clothes.

I related because when my grandmother passed away - even though it was expected - I went into a major tailspin about what to wear to her funeral. I had no black skirts or black jackets. I really had nothing appropriate to wear for a funeral!! I went out and bought 4 black skirts in various lengths and styles! My mother (who was dealing with her own grief) was the one that gently and lovingly pointed out to me that this was simply how I dealt with my own grief. Plus, I've long been the "everything will be okay as long as I have the right thing to wear" person.

Laura

(website)

Veteran

Julia, everyone has had such meaningful and wonderful advice and I can only add my sympathies as well, and I'm glad this forum has become about so much more than clothes. I've always heard that brown is the color of empathy and listening, and that people feel comfortable talking and opening up when you wear brown. It makes some sense to me, so for what it's worth, thought I'd pass it along.