Angie, my reaction was the same as Claudia's. Why are you OK with women embracing the supposedly "less perfect" aspects of their body, but you don't seem to have that feeling about their greying hair?

To me, coloring one's hair makes sense if a person wants to experiment with another look, much like a style change or trying out a trend. Saying that, unless your grey hair looks "distinquished and graceful", that grey hair can look "unkempt" and "make you look older" disappoints me. Poor grooming, unkempt, scraggly hair, and ill-fitting clothes look awful on anyone, not just a particular group of women. For what it's worth, I think that colored hair often ages a woman unless it is done expertly. To imply that a woman ought to commit to that regime of time and expense just to avoid being judged as "unkempt" seems rather harsh.

As you say, our appearance is a package deal, and, for me, the look of an older woman who chooses the path of accepting the outward signs of wrinkles and grey hair can look just as lovely as someone who chooses surgery and dye. I must say, Angie, that I was quite taken aback by your views here.

Gaylene, you might like to read the next few comments that I posted before you. It's disappointing to me that you are misquoting me. Your words:

"the look of an older woman who chooses the path of accepting the outward signs of wrinkles and grey hair can look just as lovely as someone who chooses surgery and dye".

Even you used the word *can*, which is how I feel about it too.

What Elisabeth and kkards say about texture resonates with me. I agree that cut, style and maintenance are much more important for a pulled-together look than whether a person has grey or not, but some hair texture seems to grey more gracefully than others.

I will continue dyeing mine for the foreseeable future because I really dislike the effect of frizzy, wiry greys amongst my finer dark hair. On me ( and I emphasize ON ME) I find the effect aging, even though I agree that others here (Claire comes to mind as well as Joy, Caro, Shannon...) rock the look without looking older than their years. But they also have smoother straighter hair than I do naturally. Hair texture and color are important components of going grey gracefully. I'll go there someday, but not for a long while yet if I can help it.

Another 2 cents worth: I think it depends on the woman's coloring, including hair color, her job or profession, and the percentage of gray hair. Hair type is also a consideration.

When I started coloring my hair I thought it would be for just a few years until it turned mostly gray. I thought by my current age I would have stopped coloring. Well, my hairdresser tells me it is still less than 20% gray. My original hair color had a lot of red in it, and it is my observation that women with similar hair color don't look good with gray streaks or part gray hair.

One of these days I will try on a few gray wigs, because I don't know how I would look overall gray. Luckily keeping it colored isn't that difficult or expensive--roots every 4-5 weeks, lowlights every 4-5 months, and an extra half hour sitting at the salon catching up on People magazine.

Every so often I see a woman with long (below shoulder length hair) that is part gray and doesn't seem to be in good condition. That is unattractive, and IMO it looks like she doesn't care.

And yep, a professional or business executive male is usually enhanced by graying hair, where a woman in the same position may need to look younger and sharper. The world just isn't fair that way yet.

One more thing, my DH, who just turned 70 and has relatively few gray hairs, is far more creeped out by it than any woman I have ever known. He still asks me if he should dye it. I always tell him he'd look strange--most older men with all one-color hair look weird to me. It's easier for women to do it, probably because we are used to it.

My mother's hair turned a beautiful molten silver. She wears it long and it is so, so pretty. I wish mine would do that. Alas, I have my dad's hair.

Angie, Karen is a great example for me. Thanks for adding her perspective to this discussion. It seems she and I have very similar coloring and hair type, and I definitely see her philosophy in my attitude as I get older.

Wow, now that I've gone back and read your follow-up comments, I'm totally flabbergasted, Angie. Am I misinterpreting your comment when if I'm hearing that your judgement about greying hair is an aesthetic issue on some women? I'm having a hard time reconciling your supportive stance on how we all should learn to love our bodies, and the mental image of your telling an older client to dye her hair in order to look stylish.

To use your example of MaryK: I think she looks lovely with her hair colored blonde, but I see that as her personal choice, not an aesthetic requirement for her to look stylish. If she chose to let her hair go grey, I think she would still be the fabulous MaryK, as long as it was what she wanted for herself. It would be the entire package.

Gaylene, I would never tell a client to dye her hair if she were going grey. I would never go against the personal choice of someone who wanted to go grey, or try to convince her to do otherwise. It's unfair to assume that. Aesthetics play a huge role here, as they always do with fashion and style, so that should not come as a surprise. My original comment back to Claudia was one of *complete* respect for her feelings about the way she views the subject - which is why I said that if you feel that way about it, there is closure and nothing further to be said about leaving your hair grey. It was not meant as a criticism because I respect the personal choice.

Well, getting back to IKs original question, for me it's ALL about personal choice. Everything we do makes some kind of statement to the world whether it's our clothes, hair cut, hair colour, accessories, posture or manner towards others. I'd like to think that my hair colour ( which is close to my natural colour ) is flattering to my skin tone. I love to wear autumn colours and detest black and gray on me, so,the thought of gray hair is not appealing at all. But who knows, in a few years when my hair is all gray I might change my mind.

Hmm, maybe another way to look at this is whether hair color is just another option on the style spectrum, or a signifier of much more. In our culture, aging tends to be vilified shamefully and going grey can be seen as an act of courageous defiance or alternately, "giving up", rather than a natural life process..

On the other hand, were I to dye my hair blonde, I'd look ridiculous - but I do have the option. So what's the difference between that option and the option of choosing not to be grey? Is it in the same category as shaving your legs?

Love discussions like this one.

I stopped coloring my hair about six months ago. I also started growing it out a short time thereafter, and yeah, I probably should have waited. My last two colorings were semi-permanent dye, so now the dye is pretty much out. I was seeing roots after 2.5 - 3 weeks, and roots bug me as well as a dye job every three weeks. Well, now I've discovered that I'm not as gray as I thought I was and that the gray is mostly in the front by my temples! And I'm getting to the point where mono-color probably doesn't look the best on me, and salon low-lights or whatever just isn't in the budget while kiddo is in college.

I think young people equate color with age, no matter the rest of the package, so perhaps you should color your hair should you find yourself in the job market again, esp. since you are in the youth heavy IT field. But otherwise, (esp. since I am somewhat gray!) I don't equate gray with lack of care. That being said, twenty-somethings dressed slovenly still look better than the rest of us who ought to know better.

This is an interesting discussion! I stand by my original statement that grey hair per se does not equate old or frumpy or giving up. However, I wanted to add something.

I do think that grey hair is similar to the body shape modifiers (like long legs or short neck, etc) in that you have to consider it when you dress. Like someone mentioned above, certain colors don't work if you have grey hair. However, that is true of all hair colors. I make the decision to dye my hair reddish (from my natural black) because it looks better with my preferred color palette. Anyway, I think the problem arises when one goes grey and doesn't yet know how to dress to flatter the grey hair. (Just like if your body shape changes, you have to learn how to dress the new shape.)

I don't think of undyed gray hair as indicating that someone doesn't care about their appearance. It's a choice, just like wearing short shorts or maxi dresses. I might think certain people could look better without gray hair (or wearing longer shorts, less-tight clothing, etc.), but if that's what makes them feel good, more power to them!

I think I'm over 30% gray but am enjoying having red hair, so I won't be going gray in the foreseeable future

To me a full head of completely natural hair looks better than outgrown roots or hair that isn't dyed well. And I do think that everybody can look good with grey hair, as long as they have the right cut. I also think that colors and make-up are very important here and might need to be adjusted. Of course it can look just as good if the hair is dyed in a professional manner!

I don't think I want to color my hair when it goes grey, but I might need to rethink my hairstyle. My curls look a bit 'unkempt' anyway, even more so when they are long and that's alright for now. But it might not work so well when I will go grey. My mum never colored her hair since she started to go grey, but she has straight hair that she keeps in a very accurate bob, so that works for her. My godmother went grey in her early twenties and white not that long after. She never colored her hair either. She always wears it in a very short (more or less spiky) pixie cut and it looks fantastic!

Good point, Cathy.

Just because I choose to let my cellulite-ridden thighs see the light of day in the summer, does that mean I don't care about my appearance? No, it's just that I'm not willing to sacrifice my bodily comfort in the heat for the sake of covering a part of me that is not the most youthful. But I choose to cover my grey because it makes me feel more attractive. Someone else might have just the opposite inclination and that's all OK!

I stopped coloring when I noticed a tiny gray at my hair line that had "just" come in not three days after I colored it. Also coloring is pretty harsh on my hair and drys it out terribly. I admit it's hard to see in my pictures but they are there and I see no reason to fight them anymore.

I agree, I do not automatically assume that someone "doesn't care" just because she doesn't color. I certainly take into account what else she happens to be wearing. I would have to see a general unkempt appearance to assume she doesn't care.

But I work with a woman who has very short curly cropped hair ( you all would love her she'd a total UWQ). Her hair is totally white. She obviously doesn't care -- but in a completely different way. Her white hair (definitely not gray) is such a lovely contrast to her skin tone and the vibrant colors she chooses to wear. She's a total rock star.

So "doesn't care" could go both ways. Now I'll enjoy everyone else's response.

Angie, I cannot get over how amazing your client looks! No WAY is she 72. Holy moly, she is so super stylish. Great job!

Just wanted to add my husband's perspective. I just turned 40 and my husband has finally noticed the gray hairs coming in, way more noticeable now because I have black Asian hair.

I asked him if he thought I should start coloring it, although I swore I never would. He said he thinks the gray adds a level of seriousness and "weight" to my look -- I've earned seniority at work and in life and I should enjoy it! Loved his answer.

I've had my 'whites' (what many call grays in India, due to a direct translation from the vernacular in many tongues) since I was 20-few, and I'm rather fond of the stripe it is concentrated in over my right temple. Since then, I've had a couple of great haircuts, a few indifferent or okay ones, and a lot of straggle in-between. My hair's messy at the best of times, and I haven't any inclination or patience to 'boss' it.

Indeed, I used to use henna for depth and shine in my early twenties, but I stopped at the first sign of grey --- with my black to dark brown natural colour, grey turned 'ginger' looks a little furious to my mind!

Does it mean I don't care about about my appearance? Well, what am I doing here on YLF then?? :-/

Would other people assume that? Maybe --- depends on them, not on me, and doesn't affect me greatly either. But then, I *would* say that, seeing where I stand on beauty and style coexisting with such taboos as unshaven legs or pits, 'unkempt' brows, peach fuzz and 'taches left to their own devices, and makeup-free faces. I figure you choose --- or *should* choose, while we're handing out judgements :-/ --- based on how you feel about it on yourself! The End.

I think there are two separate questions being discussed here:

(a) whether someone would look better with dyed hair (by conventional standards or by her own standards)

(b) whether she SHOULD dye her hair (whether it's some sort of quasi-moral obligation, whether people have a right to judge her for it, etc)

I think that most people - not all, or even almost all - look better with dyed hair. That doesn't mean I think they SHOULD dye their hair. There's no obligation to look maximally pretty at all times.

I agree with Diana's and cinnamon fern's takes on it.

Grey hair is a natural part of our bodies, just like wrinkly arms or varicose veins. If we want to love/embrace our bodies, then we have to accept these deviations from the youthful supermodel ideal.

My requirements for taking care of one's appearance are hygiene and a modicum of grooming. One's hair should be clean and reasonably groomed - ran a comb or brush though it, fluffed it, etc. Likewise one's clothes should be clean, fit the person's body and be functional for that person's lifestyle.

I don't think we have any sort of obligation to be pretty or stylish. Style and beauty standards are a function of the culture and society we live in. Since US culture in particular values youth, if we want to conform to the norm, grey hair needs to be dyed or well cut or worked with/around. But if someone doesn't care about style/beauty and they want to walk around with unmodified grey hair, I respect that choice 100%.

As with so many style components, it's a matter of context. Gray hair in and of itself doesn't connote that the person "does't care". If the rest of the person's appearance is sloppy or ill fitting or dirty, that might add up to not caring. And it might not. I'd hate to be someone who judges another solely on the presence of some well tended gray hairs. As others have said, badly dyed hair looks worse, and I can tell you from personal experience that gray roots are hideous. After coloring her hair for years, my sister got tired of the upkeep and let her short curly hair go gray. Mine still looks better when I color it ( every 3 weeks) and I truly think that I'll be red till I'm dead.

For me, it's the haircut that's *the* defining thing re. kempt/unkempt.

I think I've decided that a person can get away with *younger* styles if they let their hair be natural. Because the advertising from the back is clear and honest.

But I also kinda think it's not a bad idea to dye your hair until you retire. People really treat you differently in a way that matters a lot at work.

I have to admit I was pretty naive about this whole "going gray" issue until now.

I decided to let my hair go gray because I was curious about how much gray I actually had. I had been dyeing it since college, and after twenty years of having my natural color covered up, I wanted to get reaquainted with the color that was actually growing out of my head. Now that I've finally grown out the black dye I used last (the in-between stage was interesting), I've decided I like it just fine. As a bonus, it's easier to maintain. Or rather, I look OK even when it's not maintained. Seriously, I wash it and let it air dry. That's it. I haven't cut it in forever, and I've only recently decided that it needs a trim. I've been blessed with texture and wave, so ignoring it doesn't have the negative effect on my appearance that it could have if I were not so lucky.

My hair has been every color from platinum blonde to bright red to black...and everywhere in between. I used to get such a thrill the first few days after a drastic change when I would look in the mirror and be surprised at what I saw. That was fun.

With each color change, I change up my makeup and wardrobe choices just a bit to play up the color. In every case, I found a way to make the color work for me. If and when I decide to dye my hair again, it won't be because I feel that I look old, or tired, or apathetic about my appearance, or because I've been pressured into it. I'll dye it because I'm bored with the color, and I want a change.

I have no issues whatsover with those posters who insist on dyeing their hair, or those who refuse to. I'm just surprised at the intensity of the reactions. In any case, I want to thank all of you for letting your feelings be known about this. It's been very interesting.

One of my colleagues doesn't dye her hair. To be honest, I thought she was older than what she actually is (she just turned 40 and I thought she was around 45). BUT I thought she looked *really* young for her age, if that makes any sense. She has a bohemian style and the grey hair totally suits her artsy personality. She has a longish bob with wavy hair, which is not the easier thing to manage, but she does just fine. She doesn't wear any make-up (I think) but wears colorful red frames and a bright smile that make her look youthful

If you are going from colored to grey though, I would maybe have it short or dye it grey or something. I do hate the look of two-toned hair, even if done intentionally (it seems it's all the rage right now).

Would I personally judge a person with random gray hairs as unkempt? I ****ing hope not, this would mean I had finally become everything that I despise.

Oh the one hand, god, I hope I don't look like I'm letting myself go. Because I am getting more and more gray hairs. At this point I haven't dyed for at least 2-3 years, and before that it was just to try lighter colors. I wasn't as gray then. It's gradually been increasing, to the point where I want to go back to dyeing it. I'm not thrilled about it for various reasons...cost, time and hassle, toxic chemicals, what it does to my already dry and damaged hair...but I'm starting to feel like any more gray will age me, and the type of gray I have is not flattering to me.

I also see that Karen left a white stripe in the front undyed. I have one naturally. It's cute on her, but I really dislike it on me.

Anyone have some color suggestions for me anytime, go for it. I probably would try and recreate my natural auburn hair color this time, rather than try and go lighter. It always ends up brassy and reddish (not in a good way) within a month or two.

So anyway, I agree with Angie that it all depends on the person, the shape their face and skin are in, what kinds of clothes and makeup they wear and general attention to upkeep.

I think that grey looks 100% better than holding on to a dyed color that no longer jives with changing skin coloration. It seems that skin often fades in keeping with hair, and jet black (or other bold colors) often stops working. Ladies that dye, do you find that you have to gradually change the dye you use?

I'll probably choose to grey naturally, but I think you can be fab either way.

Thanks Una:)
I (obviously) don't dye my hair so you know where I stand.

Can a person have uncontrollable grey hair that would somehow look better brown? So that it's uncontrollable brown hair?

caro, you have beautiful white hair and a simple, elegant cut. Not dishwater (yellowish) gray for sure, and it looks great on you. If that happened to me, I'd definitely try going gray.

I didn't read most of the other comments, but did we discuss whether grey also looks better with straight hair as opposed to wavy or curly? Probably just depends, again.