(((big hugs! lots and lots and lots of hugs.)

Rae, I don't have much to add to anything else that everyone has said. I can only say that I think you are a fabulous, strong person. Actually, I do have something to say: get rid of your coat. You can buy a new one free of the memories. It may be an innocent coat, but that doesn't keep it from reminding you of something traumatic. There was a recent post on this very topic by Biscuit's Mom. Lots of us have walked away from items that were just too strongly associated with bad things. Symbolic actions are powerful and getting rid of something that has bad memories associated with it is a good thing to do. Ceremonies serve a purpose for us humans. "Smudge" the heck out of it with a sage stick and tell it you are sending it along where it can make someone else happy and get rid of it.

Rae, first and foremost, I am feeling like i should hug you (hug)
As you know, I was left with PTSD as a result of my medical trauma of a couple years ago, and heck, do I feel silly saying so. I think the common denominator is surviving a near death experience, and boy have we! I did struggle for a long time with trying to find my old self and as such, I share a lot of the feelings you have so well described here. You will find the old pieces of you coming back. For instance, yesterday, for the first time in three years, I thought of looking into camping sites for the summer. That used to be my favorite activity in summer. You will see the old pieces of you surface and mesh with that new person.
I still cannot tolerate the show Dr. Who, which was playing in the background during one of my worst panic attacks and I did get rid of all of the casual stay home clothes I wore when I was home sick. This is all part of the process of finding out who you will be, and that is OK.
Please know that I'm here if you ever need to talk.

Just popping in quickly, so I didn't read all the responses, but I just had to chime in to say you are not being selfish now at all. Or if you are, it's totally justified. You need to take care of you first and foremost. You went through something very difficult, and change in the wake of that is inevitable. Thank you for sharing all of this with us, because expressing vulnerability like this is not easy. You will be fine, and we will be there for you!

I say let go of the coat. I hung onto items from the night my mother died for way too long. I finally got rid of them and felt an enormous weight lift from my closet.

Once again, you have all floored me with the genuine feelings and support here. I really need to respond to some thongs individually when I get home, but for now: thank you for all shared and said. If I ever do make this into a magazine article I have to add our wonderful fashion community as part of the healing forces.

Oh my, I just want to give you a big hug! You've been through so much and your feelings are very insightful. Thanks for sharing, that was very moving, and no need to apologize for anything. You do sound like you're headed in a healing direction though, so keep up the good work and I hope you feel like yourself again soon.

You have some amazingly wonderful responses already for sharing bits of your soul with us. I will only add: I totally relate. Style, fashion can be very healing. You might hate certain 'items'-clothing, hair etc. at the current time but they are just parts not the whole. Crawling out for the 'hole' to becoming 'whole' will be long..... but each day can make it better even a teeny tiny bit. Spoken from the heart and soul. fly with whatever your heart chooses for now.... the dust will eventually settle and a more semblance of normalcy will prevail.

You are wise beyond your years, dear Rae. Big hugs.

Your post has really touched me rae. Taking care of yourself is not the same as being selfish - right now it is what you need to do most.

I say get rid of the coat & anything else that has negative associations for you. They are replaceable:)

Rae- So sorry to hear about your trauma. Given how much I learned from just reading your post, I can imagine how far you are coming in your own process. Best to you and thank you for the capacity to share.

Such wise insights, rae! Your inner strength and instincts are serving you well on this tough healing road.

By all means, let go of the coat, if that seems to be the best choice. Or find a way to conquer the coat, if that would be a symbolic victory . . . whatever works best for you, now, where you are at in this process.

No one will think you selfish for fewer posts, or other changes you need to make. YLF is here to support and encourage you, not make judgments about participation!

We're all rooting for you and hugs too!

It is not the events that define us but our reaction to them. You went through a terrible experience and are emerging a stronger, wiser, more insightful person. Our style, clothes and so on are something we can control in a world we so often cannot - it makes sense that you are taking control of that now and changing. Post when you want. And get rid of the coat!

Rae, you are so articulate! You have helped me start to think about some things that I need to address.

Look at you, how hard you've worked to come this far. I applaud you; you are showing the world how strong and amazing you are!

Rae, I am awed by your insightfulness and your ability to articulate everything you are going through. You are one strong, resilient woman. And most definitely you are not being selfish by taking the time/space you need to work through what you need to work through.

I have been thinking about this all day and don't even know where to start. I wish we could talk in person! Let me just say, I think you are very wise to deal with things now, rather than 20 years later. When undealt with issues evolve into all sorts of new problems. Maybe this is also a time to deal with other issues in your past (now that you're doing the work). And by all means, purge that closet if it feels right. Even if you end back at the same style point.

Rae I am not sure what to say but I will say that it is incredibly special that you are able to articulate as you have and feel comfortable sharing so opening with us. I personally feel very privileged that you have let me in your world in this way. I also think that your process is brilliant and healthy. Much better to work through these things now than later. And I completely relate to how you feel about your outward appearance reflecting what's inside... it's brings about an authenticity. Sending you a hug. You are an awesome woman.

Ceit, I like thinking of clothes as armour. And now I am having a new suit of armor made to repel a threat I hadn’t imagined before.

Suz, you are right – it seems like I’ve had two years of nonstop stress. Just when you think you’ve adapted…

Mo, I’m so sorry that you had to go through something similar. But seeing you so strong and happy is very heartening. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Angie, yes… I have a milestone coming up, too. I am sure that is weighing on my mind as well and influencing my style.

Julie, thank you for the Rogue comparison. Not only is she strong, but she has that whole thing going with Gambit.

Elle, I am sorry to hear you have PTSD, too. It sure isn’t fun… but like Mo, you are an inspiration to pull myself up by the bootstraps and endeavor to be a cool chic despite it all.

Gaylene, I like the term “re-invent” a lot. Like I am the product of my own design – and not a Vonnegut-esque victim of a series of accidents.

Rebekah, my heart goes out to your family. I hope that you are all healing and finding yourselves again. Hugs

Perl, I read that article in the links! Thank you for submitting it! Even though I was not to the point where I didn’t care about my looks, the part about self care really resonated.

Mary, you have been in my thoughts as well! It does take time… preferably time spent at happy hour with good friends and mini sliders, right? <3

Stacey, not you, too! I hope you are doing better and that your strong colors are lifting you up. Beautiful quote – I hope the cracks do let the light in.

Una, you hit the nail on the head… there is something extra icky about a brush with evil. But yes, I am trying to wrest the power back. It is easier with the YLF army at my back. J

Vicki, you are a treasure trove of inspiring quotes (I collect quotes, too, but mine were usually funny or obtuse). But the best thing is just that you said, “it’s okay.” You know, sometimes that’s all you want to hear.

Shannon, thank you for your kind words. I know I don’t feel too strong most days. I appreciate the hand holding immensely.

Shedev, thank you for sharing your experience – it is good to know someone else felt the same way.

Rachy, I wonder the same! Don’t let me become boring, ok?

BJ, very well-said. Aspirational dressing as part of the navigation process sounds exactly right.

Rambling Ann, I am very flattered by your suggestion. Seriously. It used to be my dream to write. I wonder how I would even go about pitching something like that…

Inge, you are so articulate, it is hard to think of you as lost for words. I am glad you saw meaning in the post – I am always afraid it might be seen as whining or begging for attention. Thank you for the support.

K, you are so right. I definitely hear you about the power of symbolism – especially since I tend to think symbolically naturally. And I do have sage in the freezer. J

Zap, I am hugging you back. You are another fine example of Someone Who Survived – not only an initial incident, but you survived the PTSD as well. Thank you for sharing your triggers, as it makes me feel much better about my own.

Janet, thank you for sharing about your clothes. There is a little voice that nags me to keep the coat, but what you say about it keeping a weight on the shoulders rings true.

Sona, you are yet another woman who I especially look up to during this time. I know you had your own trials this year, and you somehow emerged even more beautiful inside and out. I love your use of “hole” and “whole” – they are just one letter apart… that isn’t much difference at all, right? I can do that, like you, one step at a time.

Denise, I wish we could talk in person, too! From our past talks, I know you have a lot of wisdom. Very good idea to deal with other issues at the same time – the new issues definitely have aggravated some old ones. I get scared that the doctor will say he is only supposed to help with the PTSD, but you never know…

I know I have missed some of you, and I hope you aren't offended if I did! I very much appreciate all your wisdom, insights, and suggestions. Reading the comments here is a great boost that keeps me going.

Rae, thank you for sharing a little of what's going on with you. I had no idea, and I hope you continue to feel stronger and more like yourself each day. Your post is so well thought-out and articulate. I admire your style so much, but also your contributions to the forum discussions. Don't feel at all selfish about time away; we miss you but I can't imagine that any of us would feel you are neglecting us. I'm grateful you're here--a survivor!--and here, on the forum, too, when you are able to be.

Oh, Rae. I've been wondering how you're doing. Thank you for trusting us enough to share. Sending heaps of love your way!

You are an amazingly strong and powerful woman, Your insights are incredible, which is a necessary thing for healing. Loving yourself through this is key, so retail therapy is helpful. Even your awareness of not going to far into hoarding is amazing. I say anything to extremes can be bad. My advice is that music can be very healing and so is dancing... Sending you great big hugs and prayers for continued healing....

Rae, so many great thoughts here - so glad you are able to talk about it. I don't have much to add, except to offer virtual ((hugs)). I can't help but think of that song "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger..." And you know, I think I just realized how much use music to heal. So many songs I will sing in my mind to help distract me from stress.

Rae, I feel honored that you would share such personal information with us here. That is a sign of strength. Like the others, I want you to get past this feeling of guilt about being diagnosed with PTSD. It isn't just for soldiers. I had a counselor tell me once that despite my issues and struggles, I was essentially mentally healthy. I was just going through a period where my resources were overrun by the bad stuff I was going through. And she told me that it can happen to *anyone*. So don't feel bad about needing help, and don't feel bad because you have this idea that you shouldn't need help. We all need help from time to time.

As for the changes you are going through concerning your style, I believe that will work itself out in time. You may end up coming out the other end of this with a style very much like what you started with. Or you may have a variation of that style. Or you may find yourself with a completely different style persona. It will just take time, and some experimentation.

How long has that coat been in storage? I'm going to be contrary here and suggest that you keep it for now. There is sometimes power in "reclaiming" something that may have gone from being loved to having a negative association. Even if you wear it once, then give it away or destroy it afterward. Or, after you have worked through some of what you are dealing with, you may decide to keep the coat in another form. Maybe you could alter it, or cut it up and use the fabric for something else. You may find that therapeutic. In any event, you will know in your gut when it is time to deal with the coat, and with anything else you may have been wearing that day that now feels tainted to you. If you rush it before you are ready, you may be missing out on a therapeutic tool you can use later on.

Rae - I am really glad that you wrote and shared this. That, in and of itself, is a really healthy thing that you did to help you work through the process of your horrific experience - and the resulting PTSD. The fact that you are opening yourself up this way, indicates that you are making progress - and are in the process of healing.

The thing about PTSD is that people sometimes forget that you are suffering from it - because for all outward appearances, you can seem fine - most of the time! But, you're not - even when you appear to be. Something has happened that has changed you in a deep and significant way. I just want to encourage you to keep talking/writing/sharing about it however you can - it will not only help you but it will keep those around you aware and sensitive to your internal world and your needs right now.

I'm here if you'd like to get together and talk sometime, OK? Love you much!

Hi Rae,

I'm sending you big hugs. I was diagnosed with PTSD after a very bad car accident when I was 17. It can feel silly talking about it and thinking about others diagnosed with it, but you can't think about it like that. Your main focus needs to be on healing.

Oh, and get rid of the coat. Give it away, sell it, whatever you want to do with it, just get it out of your life. I had to do that with everything, including my glasses, that I wore that day.

Hugs, Rae! You really have been through a life-changing experience and have to give yourself time for healing. I agree with Marley - just writing about your feelings like this must be a healing process in itself. When you can logically think and analyze the feelings like this it means you are taking control.
Please don't feel and guilt or shame, you are really a little soldier going through the battlefield but there is peace ahead for sure!
<<< More hugs!!>>>

Rae, so sorry I missed this the first time around. And so sorry for what happened. A close friend experienced a gunman coming in to the ER where she was working, and I've seen how tough that is to recover from.

I love the idea that you are honoring yourself and the changes inside by expressing them on the outside.

I also love what you said at the end of your post: "But I don't think I will always be that way." I think that is so true in so many ways, most importantly in that you will not always feel like this.

Thank you for letting us know.

Rae, I am always up for happy hour and mini sliders! In fact I am off work next Wed through Memorial Day and would love to get together if you are free!!

Rae, I don't have much to add to what was already well said above. I will keep you in my prayers and hope for healing. I do believe this, though difficult, will make you grow in great ways. You are already very insightful and wise beyond your years. Thank you for sharing something so poignant and personal.

Big, big hugs to you! Thank you for opening up here and sharing your insightful thoughts. This traumatic event has clearly affected you in more than one way. You have suffered extreme stress. PTSD is very serious! But you are showing so much resilience here. I think your reactions (coat, eggs...) can only be normal. And so is your new awareness about yourself, which you describe so sensitively and with such intelligence. Yes, it will bring about style changes. As you will experience up and downs towards this change, don't forget, during the down times, that your perception might be temporarily veiled, and that you might not see it the same on another day. And that is normal too. It is very scary to walk in a new, unknown direction. And it shakes one to the chore to discover all at once that 1) human beings are vulnerable 2) your own perception of reality is not always final. (That there could be other ones).

You are doing so well. And you are so beautiful with your new hair and style! My only recommendation through it all is to still watch out for your finances... because sometimes we do things when we are in a certain state of mind that can make the recovery harder later on. You know, like someone who suffers depression and gains 100 pounds, and then when they are better are still stuck with the extra weight... It is good that you buy new clothes but help yourself by setting limits or maybe opening up another bank account in which you put money aside, or by having an account just for clothes, or another strategy of the sort...

Lots of love to you

Krishnidoux

One more thing...

Keep in mind that your recovery will not be linear. You will move forward a few steps, then one day you may move back a bit to an earlier stage in the process. Be patient with yourself. It's going to be all back and forth when observing it in the short term, which will be frustrating, but you are going forward overall when you look at it from a distance.

Please feel free to write about any of this here again if you want to. I am willing to listen even though I'm relatively new compared to most of you. And I can see many of these people care about you very much.

Thank you for encouraging me to write about this here; I do find it therapeutic!

Marley, you are 100% on the money. Even DH sometimes doesn't understand that I am not "well" yet and still feeling the effects of PTSD.

Kristen, I'm sorry to hear about your accident, that does sound really upsetting. It is comforting, though, to hear that you did the same thing and had to purge items from the incident.

Mary, I am off work that Thurs and Fri (23-24). Would love to work something out if you are free!

Krishnidoux, thank you for your wisdom. Yes, I do have finances on the brain even while I'm replacing and purging and shopping. I am reselling a lot, and that helps, but I also am mindful of my savings and income. Luckily, my expenses are very low.

T-Rex, you are so right! It is definitely not linear. My doctor says the exact same. There are good days and bad right next to one another. It's good to know to expect that so I'm not horrified when it happens.