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Therapy and advice thread

Anonymous

I thought it could be helpful if we had a place to vent about issues we are having or needing advice on something bothering us, where other members can try to help or just be here for support. We can all post here and ask for advice but be respectful of others please!

EDIT: Thank You for the advice for my question, you can ask your own questions here too!

I’ll start.

The topic I need help is advice for my brother. My brother is 34 years old and lives with our Parents, who have been verbally and emotionally abusive at times. As a result my brother has severe anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. He is unable to work or drive and receives social security disability, but it’s not enough to move out and live on. He goes to therapy and in the past attempted suicide feeling hopeless about life, the therapist asked to talk my parents and they refused to show up to the meeting about how my brother needs help and my parents aren't treating him right. My brother has no friends and also has Asperger’s so fitting in with others is a challenge, he did have one girlfriend but she broke up with him and said him not being able to work gave them no future and it wouldn’t work, it devastated him to hear this.

I live far away from my brother now, we talk sometimes on the phone but I will not visit because I don’t get along with my parents and cut them out of my life, I too struggle with anxiety and so I sympathize for my brother in what he must be going through. I don’t know any legal action that can help him, and government assistance has proved unhelpful. My brother has lost his independence and happiness in life and constantly tells me he hates life, and my parents control him and refuse to help him get better.

I don’t know what I can do to help him or advice to offer, I feel he tried all options but nothing has helped him and I can’t change my parents, nor can he and it’s frustrating him.

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28 replies

Latest reply was from

rachylou

Veteran

That is really rough, Jess. I imagine how exhausting it must be for your brother to do even the smallest things and know first hand how giving, to a person who is down, a list of things to do is the opposite of helping. When a person is down, what they really need is someone to carry the weight for them and for that someone to keep their mouth shut about it. Make the phone calls, count out the pills, and so on.

Let me ask, can your brother leave the house alone? How difficult is that?

Anonymous

My Brother does leave the house and will bike or walk being he doesn’t drive to some nearby stores or the park if it’s nice out. Sometimes my Parents will drive him but get annoyed at him asking for a ride they have no patience or understanding of his life struggles.
He tells me that at the park he meets some people to play a phone game with, but outside that they aren’t friends just game buddies and he doesn’t feel like he can open up about his personal problems to them nor has anyone offered to drive him around.

He’s been trying to look into resources but it’s very limited with his driving restrictions and his government assistance does not include disability transportation or low cost housing it’s so overloaded already. He’s not on medicine, in the past he tried it but found it made him more depressed so chose to stop it.
His therapist told him the best thing is to move out and get away from our Parents, but he has nowhere to go to and none of our other family offered to help him. Our parents know the control they have over him and the whole situation is disgraceful how they can be allowed to treat him this way

Marilyn

Veteran

It sounds like he won't be able to move forward until he gets away from his/your parents. Since you seem to want to help him why not help him to relocate and move in with you. A loving, caring environment with someone who understands him and wants him to succeed would be a good start. I'm not suggesting this would be easy but he's family and he needs help.

Anonymous

Marilyn my Husband and I aren’t able to have him live with us, we both work and live too far for him to visit, we wouldn’t be able to take him around to where he needs to go when we are working. It’s a lot for anyone to take on and as much as I want to help him I know we could not take on that much responsibility at this time.

Gail

Veteran

If he relocated to your area would you be able to help him financially until he was perhaps more stable and then able to have some kind of employment?
I feel for you as I have a 30 year old son who has Aspergers. He is high functioning but has no friends, has had lots of girlfriends but they all break up with him. He has a job but gets overwhelmed easily.

Anonymous

Gail, right now financially we are barely managing, and have other expenses still waiting such as student loans. We still want to start a Family and that has been put on hold as well. We don’t have enough to support him to live with us or rent an apartment, and there’s no telling how long he needs to get better enough to be independent.

My brother sounds a lot like your Son except never being able to work, which is the hardest part for him not being able to have money to move. I don’t understand how our Government seems to punish people with disability’s when clearly someone like my Brother deserves a place to go to where he can be happy and work towards independence with whatever resources he needs given to him.

rachylou

Veteran

I am wondering now if you could do some googling on adult autism support groups in his area, online and in person. Not therapy groups, but peer support groups...

Suz

(website)

Veteran

This sounds really painful and difficult. I am nodding along with Rachy's suggestion of perhaps helping him connect to a peer support group in his area for starters. That can be so empowering.

Anonymous

Can't his therapist or a social worker get him into a group home situation where he could interact with his peers and use public transportation to a job?

rachylou

Veteran

*Does* your brother have a social worker? He probably should, although it’s tremendous work to work with a social worker. One needs an advocate to work with an advocate. I’ve accompanied some neighbors on occasion in the past because of this and it’s nightmarish. Truly nightmarish. But perhaps this is something a peer support group could help with a little bit.

Anonymous

The closest peer support for adults with autism is at least an hour away from where he lives so he has not gone to one for this reason.

His therapist cannot help him get into housing he asked, he’s not eligible for his case.

He has no social worker, and @rachylou what is so nightmarish about social workers? He wanted one but it’s expensive and hard to find one that accepts his insurance.

Sal

Veteran

I can’t offer advice as I don’t know the Health system. But I do empathise and agree that people with disabilities are discriminated against. Tough situation for all.

rachylou

Veteran

Oh gosh. There are so many problems with our social system. Like our healthcare system, it’s piecemeal - nothing is integrated. Even physically, the places you have to go are inevitably difficult to get to, even with a car. This person doesn’t know what that person is doing or even what they can do. It’s all maybes and you are left hanging for weeks. So many people to talk to, yet no one to talk to. You are lucky getting to talk to the same person twice. I had a neighbor - kidneys blown out because the psychiatrist and gp prescribed her, separately, contraindicated medications. I took another neighbor with severe debilitating migraine (could not work) and panic disorder to a free crisis clinic - she’d been crying for a week basically - and we got some other third rate doctor who started accusing her of making things up, etc etc. ‘If you really needed help you wouldn’t have been able to get to this clinic.’ And frankly, all these programs are designed to rule out as many people as possible from receiving assistance. Should you qualify, then you’ll get audited by the IRS. You need referrals, IDs, tax returns, attorneys... it goes on like this. And exactly what your brother encountered - you need money to get assistance with having no money.

rachylou

Veteran

I wonder if an online peer group could do anything? Has your brother tried that and found anything? Probably, but just brainstorming.

rachylou

Veteran

Let me say tho, it can be done. It’s just exhausting. A person needs time, several times a day, to give themselves a break. Make a date with yourself - 30 minutes a day to think about these things and make a decision - and the rest of the day think about other things. Pray the rosary all day if you haven’t anything else to think about. Walk. Seriously.

Marilyn

Veteran

I don't want to turn an important topic into a political thing but reading Rachy's comments I can't help but think so many Americans reject Universal Health Care....or "Socialized Medicine" as the US calls it. (Yes, I'm Canadian.) People with money get care and people without money don't. It's such a sad situation that it's hard for a Canadian to wrap their head around.

Anonymous

@rachylou Yes, I do see how corrupt help is to those that need it. I will suggest to my brother about an Online peer group, he has Facebook so maybe there is a local group he can find or people locally to connect with for advice or to talk to.

@Marilyn Oh my gosh I completely agree with you, why so many Americans want to go to Canada. I’m not into politics but I see big issues with how our people are used for profit and we don’t get proper care from the government. So sad

Gigi

Veteran

Perhaps you could contact some local churches (by your brother). Many churches have volunteers who do things like visit the elderly and take people to get groceries, etc. Maybe one of the volunteers could come out to at least take your brother out to run errands or something.

I'm a little confused about the government assistance not including low-cost housing. Does he not qualify for section 8 housing?

ETA: I would really try to find a social worker. I know that you said his therapist tried to help with the housing, but therapists don't know all the ins and outs of what's available. A social worker is your best bet.

Jane

Veteran

This sounds a really tough situation and one that will take time and energy to move on. The suggestions above seem very helpful. I hope that you manage to find a way forward and one that gives lasting improvements. Hugs.

rachylou

Veteran

I just thought I’d mention that it’s not only hard to qualify for section 8, once you do, the waiting list is years long. Many landlords won’t do section 8. Our city mandated new construction devote a percentage of units to be affordable housing - and it’s a scandal, all those units are simply kept empty.

Anonymous

What @rachylou said is exactly what happened to my Brother. At first he was told he qualifies and applied, then was told there is a waiting list 10 years. It’s been over 10 years and the “wait” just keeps getting longer. Now they tell him he doesn’t even qualify. :I

I’ll ask for the Church, but I agree a social worker sounds like the best bet at the point.

Thank You for all the advice! If anyone would like to ask for their own help or advice please do!

Anonymous

I used to work in human services, including with people with Aspbergers. It was amazing how my clients opened up to me over time, from barely talking at all to meaningful conversations about Anything.

My clients were referred to my agency from DDA and the state rehabilitation services agency. There are different funding types, but the idea is that the client is in the decision making process of what he/she wants to work on: employment goals, social or life skills, etc. The staff in the agencies, like I was, work with them individually or in small groups weekly or more often on those goals. Having an adult mentor, that's not a parent/relative/authority figure, can be life changing.

One example is a young man that I helped get into an internship (after months of being turned down as his experience wasn't specialized enough). A few months later they offered him a full time position. We found out right before his IP meeting-not a dry eye in the house! He was able to move into his own apartment shortly therafter.

rachylou

Veteran

That was Washington State, Suntiger?

That’s a good acronym to know: Developmental Disabilities Adminstration.

In CA, it’s Department of Developmental Services.

Anonymous

@suntiger What you did sounds like what my Brother needs, guidance and a positive role model to figure out a life plan/goal and how to accomplish it. What would I search for to find a place like where you worked, what was it called? Would he need a referral?

Gigi

Veteran

Just some additional info if anyone should need it: People with disabilities, if they qualify for section 8 based on income, can sometimes get housing quicker by applying to complexes that are *entirely* devoted to section 8 and are specifically earmarked for people with disabilities. This is called project-based section 8. Qualifications are based on income and having a doctor's note saying you are disabled (or having Social Security disability income would work in lieu of a doctor's note).

The other type of section 8 is voucher-based section 8, and that is where the wait list can get really long. They keep putting people in dire circumstances at the top of the wait list (e.g., single mom with young kids leaving an abusive relationship), so people in less dire circumstances never get to the top. That is why going to a housing complex entirely devoted to a particular population (in this case, people with disabilities) can yield housing faster: the number of applicants is much smaller.

I know someone who was on a wait list for section 8 in a large metro area. She was disabled and applied both for the voucher program and for a spot in an apartment complex devoted to seniors and disabled. In less than 6 months, the project-based section 8 unit opened up, and she moved in. It was three years later before her name came up to be eligible for the voucher program.

Anonymous

A good place to start is with the health department in the county where he lives, because every area will have its own agencies and services. And Google "human services agencies" and "disability services" for his area too. The Arc and Easter Seals I think are national, but most of the agencies aren't. Some do housing and have employment through the agency-so work crews doing cleaning, gardening, etc. Some are community based supports, so the clients live in regular homes (with family or independently) and the staff takes them out for job placement in regular jobs and/or help with other life skills (budgeting, cooking, etc) and fun outings. We took our clients to the zoo, movies, the gym, boating, the beach, concerts, museums, horseback riding, painting, and whatever else they enjoyed.
I'd also strongly encourage you and him to look into an Able account. They're managed by the state, and nearly all states have them. They're tax advantaged savings accounts for people with disabilities that help people get around the asset limit for SS, Medicaid, and other programs. Unlike a Trust, the person with the disability owns and manages the $.

Anonymous

Please keep us posted on how this goes. I think the key words are probably "persistence" and "patience," because you'll no doubt encounter a blizzard of forms to fill out, and bureaucratic hurdles of all kinds to jump over. If you don't get the answers you need, keep asking, and don't be afraid to make a pest of yourself. We went through this with my disabled sister, and she is now safely looked after and also happily working. So it's worth it in the end.

Anonymous

The Off Topic section is often used for this purpose , Jess .

I wish you luck in getting your situation resolved .