https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Tue, 28 Apr 2026 09:05:12 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370935 Wed, 22 Jun 2011 03:39:06 +0000 journey 370935@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>i'm pro gear too. born and raised a north woods redneck so it just comes natural to me. that's also probably why my beloved and i can bluntly talk to each other about our preferences-- no delicately dancing around the issue. and while i convinced hubster to not wear short cutoffs to work, he still wears them around home, and that's great-- i have my own cutoffs i live in around the house. all in all i love the way he dresses. so while i probably sounded like one of those nagging shrews in my previous comment, jim and i love each other enough and give each other so much positive feedback, that we're comfortable with occasionally harassing each other. we actually enjoy harassing each other sometimes. weird senses of humor have we! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370933 Wed, 22 Jun 2011 03:33:44 +0000 Michelle 370933@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Fascinating thread!<br /> One other possible approach is to frame the conversation in the context of professional challenges. Lots of women here have lamented at length about the dilemmas they face as science professionals who also have a certain style bar. Safety concerns in the lab, plus unspoken political pressures, make this a tricky situation for many of them. Perhaps he could start into a conversation about office politics and the way someone's attire plays into such situations. If he can't find a relevant example from his own life, perhaps he could draw on yours, Modglr. "I was talking to my friend soandso the other day, and the craziest thing is going on at her work." Insert anecdote here. "Do you ever come across this type of thing in your lab/university/hospital/whatever?" This would give him some preliminary insight into how she feels about clothing, which could inform whatever other discussions he decides to undertake. I'm with the others in believing it's a tricky but necessary conversation, and that positive reinforcement can work wonders. Marianna had a hilarious example akin to Angie's friend. She mentioned it once on the forum, so I'm not telling tales out of school when I say that she took her present-day fiance shoe shopping on their first date because his footwear was just that bad! Such examples are likely rare, but the conversation can take place and can end well. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370892 Wed, 22 Jun 2011 01:43:25 +0000 mrseccentric 370892@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>whoa modgrl, looks like you've touched a live wire with this one! lots of VERY thoughtful replies. i didn't think i had much to add, really - until i remembered a couple of ladies i've been very close to. they both wore very unflattering, 'gear' type clothes because of very painful issues having to do with disordered eating, low self esteem, traumatic past romantic relationships, and so on. i have NO IDEA if any of this applies to the lady in your question. but if your friend has only been dating her a short-ish while, he may have no idea either. if it happens to be the case, bringing up this issue could get pretty emotionally fraught fairly quickly. you refer to how painful this type of 'conversation' can be if it's not handled well; and if this is wrapped up in hard emotional issues for a person it will only make it harder. so he may want to consider this angle before deciding if he wants to proceed.</p> <p>my gut feeling on this one is that your friend would most likely be best served by really looking into himself about WHY this bothers HIM. i feel that the more straightforward and honest he is with himself about why this is important to him, the better he will be able to figure out what he wants out of the whole thing and how to go about it in a positive way. it's hard, i can't imagine caring about this type of thing myself so i have no experience to go by. but i can say that trying to change a romantic partner ......... can be successful if you have a very compliant partner and you make running their life your complete focus.</p> <p>good luck to you and your friend! you are very thoughtful to try to help him with this problem - he's lucky to have you for a friend. steph </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370689 Tue, 21 Jun 2011 18:45:21 +0000 Di 370689@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Truthfully, I've never had a problem with gear. I see the women in catalogs like Title Nine and Athleta, and I love how sporty and fresh they look. I have a couple of friends who probably shop exclusively at Patagonia, and because it fits their lifestyle and personality, I love the way it looks. I've known men who lived in flannel and jeans, and because they were in great shape and were athletic, it was damn cute. I'm pro-gear.</p> <p>(Being totally uncoordinated and squeamish about the outdoors, I would look like an idiotic poser in the same things.) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370675 Tue, 21 Jun 2011 18:06:20 +0000 Aziraphale 370675@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>RandomThought: everything you said. I totally agree. This thread has got me thinking about how much input we get to have in terms of what our partners, and even our children, wear. I'm going to start a new thread. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370669 Tue, 21 Jun 2011 17:52:40 +0000 RandomThoughts (Andrea) 370669@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I've read most of the comments and I have a few thoughts:</p> <p>1) If her style is a significant problem for Modgrl's friend, perhaps she is not the lady for him. </p> <p>2) If he is fine with her as she is but would love improvement there is hope</p> <p>3) Use positive reinforcement (compliment her when she wears things he likes)</p> <p>4) Set her up to win: Dress up date night! </p> <p>Back to #3. :)</p> <p>I love the idea of window shopping, looking at magazines, etc. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, "Wow, I would love to see you in a dress" or "This would look great on you!"</p> <p>IMO, it's one thing to lament your partner's style and quite another to expect them to change it. My DH has terrible style. We have been together long enough and our relationship is rock solid such that I *can* tell him when he wears something I truly dislike without hurting his feelings. I have accepted him as-is and though I would love to see him dress better clearly I will love him no less if he never does. He does enjoy nice clothes but often just doesn't want to bother thinking about it. It's more effort than he wants to make.</p> <p>In a new relationship especially I would DEFINITELY stay away from any punishers - I don't like, why don't you, I wish you would... It will only create distance and hard feelings. Modgrl's friend should consider, what if she never changes her style? Can he live with that? If the answer is yes, then I'd say gentle encouragement and lots of compliments are the way to go. If the answer is no, then I guess dating her for as long as it's fun is great but ultimately they will probably part ways.</p> <p>FWIW, I didn't give a fig about DH's style when we first started seeing each other. It was worse then than it is now (marginally anyway), and in fact when we first met we were both in military uniforms (BDUs). If DH didn't -need- grubby work clothes, we'd be in great shape these days. My only problem is when he wears his grubbers on days off. Why oh why? Well, cos they were within reach. That's about the long and short of it with him. </p> <p>Love that guy. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370631 Tue, 21 Jun 2011 15:58:05 +0000 Anonymous 370631@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Rita, I hope you will report back on how the conversation goes! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370605 Tue, 21 Jun 2011 14:55:07 +0000 Vix 370605@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Mostly echoing others, as I hope he really does get some of how challenging it can be for a woman in her profession to dress in another way. He has to decide if this is an "it would be nice" situation or a major irritation/source of embarrassment. </p> <p>If the latter he should move on, because I agree with all the comments that say he shouldn't go in expecting change. </p> <p>For every person of either gender who's willing to be the dress up doll, there's another one who has very firm preferences about how they dress -- and all the compliments in the world won't change that on a regular/permanent basis.</p> <p>He/anyone also needs to keep in mind that people's styles DO change over time. For every YLFer with a partner who loves her new looks, how many have partners who (silently or vocally) don't *like* their new XYZ, hair, or style?</p> <p>I mean I feel in love with a man who ironed his pants, and am building a life with one who feel into the PNW "oversized fleece + Ts + jeans you could stuff a few cats into" rabbit hole. </p> <p>He knows I much prefer him in more fitted clothes, he has me consult on the rare occasions he requires less rugged items, I compliment him incessantly when he is out of the baggy, he dresses appropriately for fancy/important occasions but...it is what it is.</p> <p>[I don't waste money buying him "real" clothes in the hopes he'll wear them -- but every so often, I buy him fleece in colors that look gorgeous on him.]</p> <p>If I really and truly needed someone to match my average level of non-super-casual I'd have to trade him in. If Modgirl's friend is already this stuck but thinks everything else about the woman has long-term potential, it's definitely time to talk. Especially as she may consider him a short-term fling! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370595 Tue, 21 Jun 2011 14:27:32 +0000 Suz 370595@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sure, compliments work brilliantly! But first he has to find her wearing something he actually likes. That is where "create the occasion" comes in. If he creates an occasion and she doesn't like the occasion because she doesn't like the thought of dressing up, then that is good information for him; they can begin a discussion about it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370504 Tue, 21 Jun 2011 03:51:03 +0000 Aziraphale 370504@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Maya: "I never told him I had a problem with how he dressed, or I didn't like the tshirts. I just gave him a compliment, and hearing something nice, positive, and affirming encouraged him."</p> <p>Yes, exactly, that's what I've been saying all along. You *can* compliment someone on something nice that they're wearing -- in fact, that's the only way to do it. It sends the message you want without you actually having to say it. They'll get it.</p> <p>Mind you, Angie's example of the purple North Face jacket is pretty funny, and I'll grant that it's an exception. :-)</p> <p>ETA back to that unstylish math major I dated....he had a cobalt blue button-down shirt that looked great on him, and I told him so whenever he wore it -- and over the next while, he acquired several more button-downs on his own. Clearly he got the hint! I still couldn't get him to pull the darn shirts out of his pants, though -- even though I kept yanking them out for him. I finally resorted to telling him that he looked idiotic with his shirt tucked in (yes, I did not win any awards for tact....give me a break, I was 19) and then I think he did it MORE just to bug me. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370482 Tue, 21 Jun 2011 02:57:42 +0000 Angie 370482@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I know, Mary! And every word of it is true - this is a close friend of mine. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370481 Tue, 21 Jun 2011 02:55:45 +0000 MsMary 370481@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Angie, that's just awesome! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370478 Tue, 21 Jun 2011 02:53:41 +0000 Angie 370478@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>True, Mary! It's all in HOW it's said, right? That version would be rude and the "but" in the sentence is enough to put anyone off for sure. But when broaching the subject is a fun and intimate way - I think it could strengthen the bond! </p> <p>This is a true story: </p> <p>Friends of mine were dating (now they are happily married for 10 years), and he wore gear on their first few dates. My friend likes to wear trendy casual clothes. She was really put off his gear. So at the moment when they were going to exchange their first kiss, my friend hesitated and said to her date (now husband): "I really want to kiss you! I'm not going to be able to kiss you unless you take off that purple North Face jacket!". They laughed and laughed - he took off his jacket, they kissed, he never wore it again and the rest as they say is history </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370467 Tue, 21 Jun 2011 02:36:17 +0000 MsMary 370467@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't disagree with anything you've written, Maya. I think Rae, in particular, has a great plan for encouraging somebody to step up his or her style.</p> <p>But I continue to think that any conversation that includes one dating partner saying to another dating partner, regardless of sex, "I really like you but you need to improve your wardrobe," is likely to end badly. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370461 Tue, 21 Jun 2011 02:27:37 +0000 Maya 370461@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm surprised at the double standard being displayed here. There is so much hostility towards gear and inappropriate dressing, so much borderline-condescending lamenting over how clueless husbands and male significant others dress...but now the tables are turned and there is a concrete example regarding a woman, and it seriously seems to rub everyone the wrong way. After all the talk about how we dress conveys respect, and how it is a way of showing people that you care about and value what they think, why find fault with this guy?</p> <p>I think it's right for your friend to be bothered. I'd be bothered too.</p> <p>I'm with Angie, and also with Steph. This isn't as complicated as it seems. One of my male friends wears a lot of tshirts, but has a few really nice woven shirts as well. One day I complimented one of those shirts, and decided to tell him that he looked really good in woven shirts. He explained to me that it was mostly a budget thing--tshirts were only $10 but he was spending up to $80 for nicer tops. I told him he could easily find a lot of nice shirts at H&amp;M on the cheap. </p> <p>Then today he told me he was going to try and get a little closet makeover going because of my comments.</p> <p>I never told him I had a problem with how he dressed, or I didn't like the tshirts. I just gave him a compliment, and hearing something nice, positive, and affirming encouraged him. </p> <p>If I were your friend I'd create a situation for her to dress up, and take the opportunity to compliment her and make her feel good. Getting someone to up their style quotient is about being positive and encouraging, not critical and nagging. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370430 Tue, 21 Jun 2011 01:41:44 +0000 KristineK 370430@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I love MaryK's comment about preferences versus expectations. I think one of the reasons this topic could be so tricky to address is because it's often so easy to mistake the one for the other. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370421 Tue, 21 Jun 2011 01:15:24 +0000 Aziraphale 370421@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Modgrl: Aaaaaaagh! No! I didn't mean to imply that your friend is a douche! (Gee, that word has been repeated a lot). That came out wrong. All I meant was that I think it would be very tricky, if not impossible, to try to tell your girlfriend that you think she lacks style without *sounding* like a douchebag. Even if she does.</p> <p>ETA (to Angie): I thought this *was* a fun, lighthearted discussion! That was the tone I was attempting to convey, anyway. And yes, I think you can tell your girlfriend (or boyfriend) that you like her/him wearing certain clothes ("Wow, you look great in that _________, honey"), but I don't think you can suggest that you would like them to up their style quotient. I just don't think there's any truly tactful way of doing it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370419 Tue, 21 Jun 2011 01:14:21 +0000 rae 370419@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>My fiance and I always tell one another what we like or don't like about the other's style. For me, I appreciate the openness, because it removes the necessity of me reading his mind to find out if he likes how my style is evolving. I personally enjoy dressing to attract my mate... actually, I find that to be a very science-anthropology friendly position on the subject. </p> <p>Also, many of my girlfriends have a tough enough time finding a man who would be courteous enough to "phone a friend" in this situation. I think they'd be horrified if a great catch broke up with them... only to find out later that it was because he couldn't figure out how to discuss style. It'd be like he gave up on her without even trying to negotiate. </p> <p>That said, my advice would be to do things in stages: dress up request, positive reinforcement. Repeat. Then a serious talk if needed. </p> <p>Request: "I can't wait to see you - wear something fancy, 'cuz tonight we're making up for all the time we were apart!"</p> <p>Reinforcement 1: "Holy cats, you clean up good. That ____ makes your ____ look sexy/cute/amazing. You should wear it every day."</p> <p>Subsequent reinforcement: "Ooh. Why don't you wear that cute little _____ again? I really like that one!"</p> <p>The Talk: "Babe, I can't stop thinking about how cute you looked when we went out to ______. Is there a reason you don't dress up like that more often? " Even if this doesn't get a result right away, it'll get her thinking about the topic and hopefully start a meaningful conversation centered on her feelings rather than a "fault" in her dressing. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370377 Mon, 20 Jun 2011 23:54:02 +0000 CocoLion 370377@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I haven't read all of the responses yet, but I wonder if this guy is having attraction issues with her. In my experiences, men are either physically attracted to a woman or not. They may like the woman a lot, but they may be struggling with feeling attracted towards her, even if they know they should be. To me, not liking the way a woman dresses *could* be code for not feeling that special spark. Or, maybe he thinks he might feel more attracted to her in other clothing, so wants to see what that would look like. But the problem with thinking a woman might look better in certain clothing, is that it may not work. She may change her clothes, and he may still not feel that special feeling. Does that make any sense? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370365 Mon, 20 Jun 2011 23:28:12 +0000 Angie 370365@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Perhaps I'm from another planet, but I don't think that this is a tricky situation at all. If it was a gal who disliked what her BF wore, there would be no question here whatsoever. We'd be encouraging her to tell him in a respectful and tongue and cheek way to up his style quotient! Not so? </p> <p>I think that all BF's share with their GF's what they like them to wear - and vice versa for sure! Keep the conversation lighthearted, intimate and fun. Be charming. Nothing too serious </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend/page/2#post-370361 Mon, 20 Jun 2011 23:18:23 +0000 Queen Mum 370361@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I've thought about this all day.... playing different scenarios over, and the only scenario I can imagine with a happy ending is "Hey, I'm going to take you somewhere really nice this Friday night.. so be sure to dress up!" and then when said date is happening "Wow! You look fabulous! That dress (or outfit) is great on you!" </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend#post-370354 Mon, 20 Jun 2011 22:50:33 +0000 journey 370354@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>i've really enjoyed reading everyones' opinions on this, it's been fascinating and i completely understand and applaud everyones' viewpoints. i'd just like to add that serious relationships are about flux. when you're not talking deal breakers, but serious relationships where the people concerned really care about each other, there has to be flexibility sometimes. my husband was still wearing extremely short cutoffs-- to work. he's a carpenter. i lobbied for longer looser shorts, pointing out that short shorts on guys went out with the 90s. now he's happier dressing a bit less disco era. on my part, i try to keep my hair semi-tamed and half-ways out of my eyes to make him happy. </p> <p>so if this man is seriously serious about this woman then i don't see anything wrong with his sounding her out and finding out just how heartfelt she is about her gear lifestyle. is it something that she'd be happy to occasionally ditch for a night out, or is it a deeply held philosophical belief that wraps around her very core. who knows, she may actually be a sleeper fashionista who just hasn't dared come out of the clothes closet yet. maybe she would love dating a man who is excited about her putting on a dress and a classy pair of heels. but he won't know whether she's a hard core gear head or a sleeper fashionista unless they talk. talk is good. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend#post-370340 Mon, 20 Jun 2011 22:09:43 +0000 MsMary 370340@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't think he's a bad guy for feeling however he feels about his lady friend's style. I just think it's well nigh impossible to have the conversation without coming across kind of douchey.</p> <p>He's totally entitled to whatever preferences he may have. He just isn't entitled to expect her to conform to them. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend#post-370328 Mon, 20 Jun 2011 21:43:50 +0000 modgrl 370328@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Lots of great advice here. I think my friend is not a douche, as some people here have implied. I think he does care, which is why he was asking for advice. But there's no magic wand and he needs to figure out if this is a deal breaker for him. If not, then he can try MaryK's tactic of "hey wouldn't it be fun to dress up for a date," but not expect any major long term changes. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend#post-370305 Mon, 20 Jun 2011 21:19:09 +0000 MsMary 370305@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I heard a well-known radio talk show "therapist" tell somebody not long ago that dating is the time you should be finding out whether the other person is a good match for you -- NOT the time you should be trying to turn them into a good match for you. Although generally I think this particular radio personality is pretty repugnant, I thought that advice was pretty spot on.</p> <p>Trying to do an improvement project on anybody is just plain presumptous and out of line, in my view, unless the person has asked for help or at the very least jumped at the opportunity the very first time it's mentioned.</p> <p>If this guy needs a stylish mate, he probably needs to look elsewhere. For both their sakes. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend#post-370298 Mon, 20 Jun 2011 21:11:09 +0000 Aziraphale 370298@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Steph, we'll have to agree to disagree. I still think it's different. But I do appreciate you taking the time to write a carefully-thought-out rebuttal. That's part of what keeps me coming back to this forum: the chance to discuss various topics with other intelligent women. </p> <p>I should add that I don't love it when a woman tries to direct their husband/boyfriend to dress in a certain way, either, although there is absolutely nothing wrong with heartfelt compliments when he does wear something she likes. I just think it's not as bad for women to buy for their men because of (a) the physical appearance double-standard for women, and (b) the fact that I know MANY men who really, truly don't give a monkey's left elbow about style, whereas I've met relatively few women for whom I can say the same. There are lots of women who don't have fab style, but they would like to, and they admire other women who do!</p> <p>I dated a man once who consistently wore clothes I hated. He always tucked his shirts into his too-tight jeans, but he insisted it was more comfortable that way. He also had a horrific mullet. But he was dead sexy in other ways (and he was a math major. I'm a giant sucker for smart men. I have a Spock complex), so I let it go. I don't think I would have married him, though. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend#post-370281 Mon, 20 Jun 2011 20:36:25 +0000 Heather 370281@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Rita, I think you should ask your friend if this is a deal breaker. Better now than much later. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend#post-370280 Mon, 20 Jun 2011 20:36:03 +0000 Steph 370280@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>MaryK brings up a good point as well. I have known many women who do exactly what I said in my previous post--complain that their boyfriend is a horrible dresser, and then assume they can dress him. I feel like the men end up falling into two camps: 1.) the ones who really don't care (sometimes, their mothers still buy their clothes for them, which I find very disturbing), and 2.) men who dress the way they do because they like it, and are very resistant to the change. I guess there is a third category as well--men who would like to dress more fashionably, but just never thought about it before. It could very well that this woman falls into the second camp, in which case she will not be happy if her boyfriend tries to change the way she dresses, and he'll have to determine whether he can live with going out with someone who is always in gear. But if she falls into categories 1 or 3, his intervention might be helpful. </p> <p>A very brief example from my personal life. My boyfriend actually does care about clothing and his appearance, and always has. When we met he was a good dresser and clearly wanted to make a good impression on others with his clothing. Very early in the relationship, I told him that it would be more fashionable if he tossed his pleated front khakis (literally his only fashion mis-step). He listened to me, tried flat-front, realized I was right, and never wore the pleats again. It is possible that sometimes people would want to improve their appearance, if they had an idea they could do so. He honestly had no idea that pleated khakis weren't the best look. It's possible this woman doesn't know that gear isn't that fashionable, particularly considering her workplace. That's why I say tread lightly, but try to figure out what her preferences are and go from there. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend#post-370276 Mon, 20 Jun 2011 20:29:27 +0000 Steph 370276@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't agree, elisabeth. It isn't like this guy has criticized his girlfriend's choices to her face or been rude to her in any way about her clothing. He has told a trusted friend that he wishes his girlfriend was a better dresser. How many women here haven't done the same thing about their significant others? He is also trying to determine if there are ways that he can improve her style, presumably without hurting her feelings. I don't see anything wrong with that either. </p> <p>We don't know whether or not she gives a flip about her clothing--perhaps she is like many of the husbands and male significant others on this site who do not. We have no idea if she would be open to her boyfriend shopping for her. They have never talked about fashion or style, so we really don't have a clue. I do agree with you that appearance is important to women in ways that are different than its importance to men, but I doesn't think that means that this man can't do anything to try to get his girlfriend to dress a little more appropriately when they are together. (Nor does it mean that it carries that kind of importance for this woman.) Yes, he does have to tread lightly, but I don't think that means he can't do anything. </p> <p>I also think it would be very sad to be in a relationship in which there are topics you simply can't broach with your significant other. I am assuming they are in a new relationship, and obviously you don't want to say "why do you dress like a slob?" to someone who you just started dating. But down the road, I certainly think that it would be fair and appropriate for him to talk to her about her clothing choices so that he can understand her preferences and why she has them, and I don't see anything wrong with subtly trying to have that conversation now, in a casual way. The assumption seems to be that if the genders were reversed the woman would just smile indulgently, thinking "once we get closer, I'll start dressing him," assuming because he's a man he doesn't care about his appearance and that's why he looks like a slob. And somehow that would be okay. But because it's the woman who dresses in gear, the man is somehow in the wrong for wanting to see an improvement in the way she dresses. Is it really so horrible to want someone you go out to dinner with to wear a pair of shoes that aren't Tevas? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ylf-intervention-for-a-friend#post-370274 Mon, 20 Jun 2011 20:25:49 +0000 MsMary 370274@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Modgrl, one more thing I thought of to suggest to your friend: Ask him to do a thought experiment about how he would feel if the roles were reversed. Yes, women often take it upon themselves to improve their men's style, and from my observations men generally do. not. like. it. much. at. all. Often they end up feeling criticized and controlled. As, I suspect, this young lady might. </p>