https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Thu, 23 Apr 2026 12:19:35 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1615222 Fri, 12 Feb 2016 23:22:03 +0000 Anonymous 1615222@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I've always wondered why some people think it's superficial to want to dress nicely. I don't get it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1615221 Fri, 12 Feb 2016 23:11:51 +0000 Barbara Diane 1615221@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>There are a lot of different aspects to the initial post. I am explaining, not defending, in response to texstyle's post. I am not saying this is what I believe/how I think things should be.</p> <p>1. Why do some people 40-60 give up?<br />For some people, like me, dressing well is not something they grew up with. It might not have been done, it might not have been valued, or they weren't taught how to do it. Adapting to a post childbearing body can be challenging. And if you are staying home with kids and not bringing in income, it can be hard to spend the money and the time. And if you don't go anywhere, why bother?&nbsp;Also, if it feels hopeless, why bother. And if you have a weight problem it can be daunting to find clothes that fit. So, while I made sure my clothes and I were clean, there really wasn't any style for many years.&nbsp;Depression can certainly be a factor. &nbsp;</p> <p>2. Why be proud of it?<br />It can be an expression of values. Some people think it is shallow to spend time and money shopping. It can also be defiance-since I can't make the standard, fit in, look good, why try? And I'll make sure you know I don't care so you can't hurt my feelings.</p> <p>3. Should you say something? <br />It is hard in situations where if you don't say anything it seems like you are agreeing.&nbsp;With the woman who seemed proud of rolling out of bed and going, the most I would have said would be similar to ClaraT's first sentence. Something like, oh, it may not seem fair, but I am treated &nbsp;better when I dress nicely. Or maybe just, oh, that's an interesting choice.</p> <p>&nbsp;As far as a close friend, if I saw a change I might have a private conversation and say I noticed you don't look like yourself. I'm worried about you. How are you doing? But when you are in it, it is hard to realize that you have a problem.</p> <p>4. For people who grew up without a certain standard of self care, validation of looks, knowledge, etc. it can be hard to understand how challenging, how much energy it can take, to look nice. And how hard it can be to spend the money.</p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1615214 Fri, 12 Feb 2016 22:40:21 +0000 Anonymous 1615214@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I certainly do care because I know a lot of people and never know who I'm going to run into when I'm out and about. I also want to look good for my DH, and above all to feel good about myself. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1615201 Fri, 12 Feb 2016 22:24:25 +0000 Sally 1615201@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>A lot of my dressing is motivated by meeting other people. I think if I was in a cabin and on my own, I'd probably let my standards drop. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1615196 Fri, 12 Feb 2016 22:13:00 +0000 texstyle 1615196@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Una - I think if I were in a cabin about to chop wood I'd still fret over which flannel plaid and which jeans to wear lol :-). </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1615138 Fri, 12 Feb 2016 19:01:39 +0000 Sally 1615138@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I was pondering this the other day. I don't know anyone who has given up on personal grooming to the extent where they don't wash. I know people that don't worry about their style and look like they've given up. I've had moments like this when it all seemed too hard..after having my baby I had put on a lot of weight and hadn't done my hair. When I went back to work I felt I had to make an effort and I came on this site looking for ideas. I also think there is a lot of disdain for thinking about fashion and clothes. There is a woman i know who makes no effort to dress what so ever. She obviously struggles with her weight and works so hard she doesn't take care of herself. I feel abit sad about the whole thing. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1615133 Fri, 12 Feb 2016 18:50:13 +0000 catgirl 1615133@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Viva, very true. I am completely unable to comprehend people who eat out of necessity alone, but I do know a few folks like that.&nbsp; I imagine this could be similar with clothes.&nbsp; It's definitely true when you live in a cabin - you put on what allows you to stay warm while chopping wood.&nbsp; </p> <p>We had a discussion a while back about intentionality when I posted about a woman wearing baggy jeans in front of me in line, and I was wearing boyfriend jeans, trying to figure out whether to an objective eye the two of us looked the same.&nbsp; </p> <p>Another interesting conversation among my friends is whether we'd behave differently alone on a deserted island.&nbsp; Some of us would still&nbsp;be organizing seashells and weaving tailored blazers out of palm leaves, while others (like me) would simply lie around drinking coconuts.&nbsp; I bring this up because I love to think about how our behavior is influenced by how much we care about the perceptions of others, as opposed to our own internal compass.</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1615003 Fri, 12 Feb 2016 14:37:25 +0000 viva 1615003@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Could this possibly be related to Angie's post about becoming simply used to comfort? On this board, and in this community, I think she was right to challenge that way of thinking -- because we do all care about how we look or we wouldn't be here. </p> <p>But surely not everyone feels that way. Couldn't some people just simply be choosing an extreme life of comfort over everything else? Now, that may be out of depression, as a way of isolating. Or it may be because they just want comfort more than they want anything else, and they don't care enough about aesthetics to look for visually appealing comfort. I don't know, for some people, I really think clothes is clothes. Like for some people, food is fuel. Nothing to get excited about.&nbsp;</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1614719 Thu, 11 Feb 2016 21:20:17 +0000 rachylou 1614719@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I wonder if part of it is people sort of start out dressing for others. Like, you dress to fit in at school, dress to get a date, dress to get a job. Then people feel they've made it to a certain point and are 'done.' I just remember the old days when people got married and got fat, lol, but true. If a husband was too skinny, the wife wasn't feeding him enough. If the wife was too slim herself, all the worse: Definitely not paying attention to her wifely duties... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1614572 Thu, 11 Feb 2016 16:42:28 +0000 Anonymous 1614572@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>My mother and sisters never gave up, and neither am I. It's a mindset, you know? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1614159 Wed, 10 Feb 2016 18:34:28 +0000 catgirl 1614159@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I went to a meeting yesterday (at a middle school we're considering for DS) and was noticing just how casual and "carelessly" people were dressed.&nbsp; Unironic normcore is the order of the day for my environment, and it really makes sense for functional reasons - it's a cold, harsh, messy, snowy, muddy, slushy wet world out there!&nbsp; </p> <p>April, astute and insightful thoughts.</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1614106 Wed, 10 Feb 2016 17:04:03 +0000 texstyle 1614106@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>April - yes, I think this is pretty spot on with women and also with men, though&nbsp; maybe not to quite the same degree as societal pressures are less on men. The women in my example does seem stressed, though she still finds more time than me to take vacations. She has one teenage daughter in high school. She is married and her husband works but also does not seem to take care of his appearance at all. So I guess they both just gave up on that part of life. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1614088 Wed, 10 Feb 2016 16:11:14 +0000 Tina 1614088@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Very well written, April. Very sad, but I believe you are right. Plus, many women are overworked, exhausted and stretched thin with responsibility.<br /> This may not be the case in Texstyle's example but it is in many others. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1613908 Wed, 10 Feb 2016 05:12:19 +0000 BrieN 1613908@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>April - I think your post is spot-on, and is giving me a lot to think about. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1613807 Wed, 10 Feb 2016 00:28:05 +0000 April 1613807@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm thinking of two quotes by fashion men whom I adore. &nbsp;One is Clinton Kelly's oft-quoted (by me) line: "The way you dress tells the world how you expect to be treated." &nbsp;</p> <p>The other is Tim Gunn's:&nbsp;"If you want to&nbsp;dress to feel as though you never got out of bed, then don't get out of&nbsp;bed."</p> <p>I have watched enough fashion makeover shows to know that sometimes people (and yes, those people are almost always women) go into "I give up" mode as a way of saying, "I understand that I am [old, overweight, plagued by a skin condition, whatever] and I no longer have any delusions about how attractive I am. &nbsp;I dress -- and groom -- myself this way so that you understand that I get it."</p> <p>It's a little like what my grandmother used to call, "Having ideas above your station." &nbsp;Don't dress like you think you're attractive, in case someone else points out that you're not. &nbsp;Don't think well enough of yourself to present a polished appearance, because your raw material is nothing special. &nbsp;</p> <p>Terrible, isn't it? &nbsp;And yet, so common. &nbsp;I have been watching Clinton Kelly's new makeover show, "Love at First Swipe" and it's the same story. &nbsp;The women are all saying that they dress the way they dress because they "know" (think) they don't look as good as they once did, and they don't want anyone to think they don't realize that.</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1613767 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 22:09:13 +0000 Gaylene 1613767@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Well, I think basic personal grooming--washing your face and hands, brushing your hair and teeth, and keeping nails cleaned--is a civilized minimum, and I'd extend that even to backcountry hiking and camping. Personal grooming standards might differ in the backcountry, but even there they don't disappear entirely if you are in contact with other people. </p> <p>Una's question about professional settings is interesting. I've always felt maintaining a distinction between my professional role and my personal life was a good thing. The two can overlap to some degree, but I saw my obligations, responsibilities, and interactions as a teacher quite differently than those of a wife and mother. Professional dress helped put me in the right mindset and made it easier for colleagues and students to concentrate on the matters at hand, particularly if the issue was sensitive or private. My professional "mask" kept the required distance so both parties could do and say whatever was necessary. </p> <p>And that, to me, is what Texstyle's acquaintance seems to not understand. Her personal grooming standards are putting her at odds with the expectations of her clients. If Angie showed up up to the first meeting with a potential client in a disheveled state, her client would likely have a hard time discerning the value of Angie's advice. If I need to discuss a sensitive matter, I'm uncomfortable when my lawyer is dressed like a member of the cleaning staff. And buying jewelry from a sales rep who looks like she needs soap and a hairbrush raises alarm bells. Professional dress, to me, isn't about dressing up as much as it is about helping people see you in your role as someone who is able to understand and meet their needs. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming/page/2#post-1613727 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 21:00:07 +0000 texstyle 1613727@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Good thoughts here - and I'm not sure if a judge or clerk with shocking purple hair or visible tattoos or piercings would instill a sense of calm for me in a court situation, but I know I'd just have to accept it and get on with things.</p> <p>And for clarity, the woman works in retail (not grocery) - she sells jewelry. A very up close and personal kind of sale typically. And it's not that I don't think she is fashionable - most people I know are not - it's that I don't think she is keeping herself clean or neat in any way, and I think she used to. People can keep their fingernails clean, their teeth brushed (even if they are discolored) and their hair at least somewhat groomed with very little effort - IF they desire. My question was what happens to so many people that they lose the desire? Giving up on what? Their old life? Their old vision of attractiveness? I'm just hoping I never feel that way and if I do, I certainly hope a good friend will tell me. In this case, she is not a close friend so I will just wonder from a distance. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming#post-1613690 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 19:27:31 +0000 catgirl 1613690@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>This is a fascinating discussion.&nbsp; Where I live, you cannot tell anything about someone by how they are dressed.&nbsp; Just yesterday I saw an extremely successful friend and he was dressed like he was going snow-machining in coveralls and flannel, although he was actually going to his workplace.&nbsp; I've become&nbsp;far less&nbsp;focused on how people look than I was growing up on the East coast.</p> <p>At the same time, I've got a 12 year old and am trying to impress on him the idea that how you present yourself matters and conveys respect for others as well as commanding respect in certain contexts.&nbsp; It's never black and white with these topics, is it?</p> <p>I've also&nbsp;been&nbsp;involved in many conversations&nbsp;about whether public institutions like the court system should allow dress codes for employees that reflect the a more diverse public or should adhere to a more formal, objective standard.&nbsp; For example, will someone coming to court feel better represented if they see a clerk with a tattoo or a piercing (or are appointed a lawyer with purple hair)?&nbsp; Tell me what you think!</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming#post-1613657 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 17:36:36 +0000 Helena 1613657@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I agree with Rabbit - for some people, this is just not an interest or a priority, or they truly don't see it (not this woman's case obviously, since she mentioned it). I wonder if she was exaggerating a bit too - like, maybe she showers before bed, and was more referring to doing her hair or makeup, rather than basic hygiene? I could say the same of myself many days in the morning - but I do shower later lol! Anyways, I'm not advocating it, but I do think there are people who genuinely don't give a rats; live and let live &nbsp;I suppose!! Although if she works in grocery, I do hope she at least washes her hands!! :D</p> <p> </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming#post-1613549 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 13:57:08 +0000 Anonymous 1613549@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You are so right, <b>Jules</b>. The one thing my mother taught me is that if I dress up, I will get treated better. I think that's true. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming#post-1613545 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 13:52:05 +0000 Style Fan 1613545@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I am at a loss to know whether this woman has made a personal choice based on her beliefs or if she is intimidated by well groomed women as Suz suggested or if she is depressed.&nbsp; Or something else.<br />I find that if I wear make up and dress fashionably I get treated better when I go shopping.&nbsp; Is this "right"?&nbsp;&nbsp;It is a fact.&nbsp; I also like to make that effort.&nbsp; I don't expect it of others but I want them to bathe and brush their teeth.<br />I have friends in my age group (60s) who are proud of the fact that they hate shopping and don't wear fashionable clothes.&nbsp; They pursue academic interests.&nbsp; That's nice.&nbsp; I love shopping,&nbsp; I try to wear fashionable clothes, I wear make up and I am an academic.&nbsp; In that order.&nbsp; :)&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming#post-1613513 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 12:14:03 +0000 Jules 1613513@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Welllll, I'd argue that society treats women better when they look better. Interactions with the world are more pleasant. So even if your personal self-esteem is not that reliant on appearance, the world can get you down (speaking from experience here...).<br /> Someone who aggressively tells you they aren't interested in clothing and appearance is in effect saying "accept me as I am, this is a choice I'm making". Is it that dissimilar from the person who tells the gourmet home chef "oh I don't bother with all that, I haven't turned on my oven in years?"<br /> There are many women here who love style but reject the very notion of "pretty", and then other women who can't understand why being conventionally attractive wouldn't be your primary goal in dressing yourself. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming#post-1613469 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 06:03:26 +0000 Gigi 1613469@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>It's hard to know; it could be anything. I grew up in a house where grooming was not very highly prized, and I found that after high school and college were over, I became less concerned about my personal appearance. I still did the basics, but I didn't care to really go beyond that (cheap haircuts, no makeup, very small closet of functional, boring clothing, etc.). </p> <p>A few years ago, I felt drawn to dress more interestingly, and that led me to makeup and skincare and haircare and all that stuff, as kind of a personal makeover. What I found was that my self-esteem and overall happiness level increased dramatically. And someone I know who is a psychologist told me that when you get down to it, the biggest helps for women who are depressed are (1) exercise, (2) social activities, and (3) a makeover. It's not the most politically correct thing to say, but I think he is right. Women's self-esteem is often highly connected to their physical appearance.</p> <p>Anyway, it's certainly possible that depression or a lowering of self-esteem could be the culprit in your acquaintance's attitude. Maybe she is struggling with feeling older and is depressed about it and has just thrown in the towel? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming#post-1613453 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 04:18:58 +0000 anne 1613453@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I have to admit I struggle with one daughter to get her to even wear clean clothes!! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming#post-1613449 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 03:55:24 +0000 Carla 1613449@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I remember seeing something in Psychology today, or some such magazine, that showed the progression (or regression?) of dressing and grooming over the work week - Monday through Friday. It seemed everyone started out with good intentions, but deteriorated a little as the week went along. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming#post-1613419 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 02:40:34 +0000 SandyG 1613419@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>ALL healthy mammals groom themselves, and we're social animals so attention to grooming (ourselves and others) is intrinsic to all of us. No one lives in a hermit cave. Someone who is employed but doesn't groom doesn't make sense, does it? I'd look at brain shrinkage, or diabetes, which should be called a brain disease and makes for disordered thinking and very low metabolic energy. Perhaps she is impaired and slipping in ways she's doesn't realize. </p> <p>(just my initial thoughts, not to sound too preachy) </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming#post-1613394 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 01:50:32 +0000 Gaylene 1613394@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Well, just to share another perspective, an 80+ friend of mine was just as disgusted about the dress and personal grooming of a group of 30-40 year olds she saw at a restaurant recently. She was even more aghast when I tried to explain the distressed jeans, cold-shoulder tops, smoking slippers, purple lips, and choppy, messy hair were actually fashionable. She sat there in her impeccable, fitted suit and upswept hair shaking her head. Maybe it's all relative? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming#post-1613376 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 00:57:37 +0000 Echo 1613376@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Did she SAY she did not brush her teeth or did nothing to (like washing) her face? Or was that assumed by taking the "roll out of bed and go" comment literally? I see scores of people who clearly don't care about their clothing beyond it being functional, but without body odor, yellow on the edges of their teeth (often indicative of plaque or tartar build-up), dirt on their face or body that isn't gone by the next day or them personally confirming it, I won't assume their hygiene is missing. I am positive that some of the people I see regularly wash, but that's about it.&nbsp;</p> <p>Lack of hygiene can indicate secondary issues like depression, but if that were the case, then a social outing seems unlikely. Additionally, depressed people are usually painfully aware of how many things in their lives are slipping and they usually do not proclaim them for everyone to see.&nbsp;</p> <p>I, too, have to wonder if she is finding some sort of newfound freedom in this sort of rebellion, or whether she is making a round-about political or gender statement.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming#post-1613371 Tue, 09 Feb 2016 00:46:01 +0000 Laura (rhubarbgirl) 1613371@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Upon reflection, claiming "I don't even bother with getting ready for work<br /> anymore, I just jump out of bed and go" seems more like a boast about how irreplaceable she is at her job or how busy and important she is than a comment about grooming per se. I've known some guys like this, geekboy or programmer bro types, who think it's impressive to brag that they can work for 24 hours straight on energy drinks and microwavable ramen, and that of course they spend no time thinking about or taking care of their clothes, because really intelligent people have *more important* things to do and paying too much attention to how you look is shallow and for lesser folk whose only advantage is their looks. (As per rabbit's comments above, and I definitely grew up in a household that was mostly like that too.)</p> <p>Nebraskim, my grandmother was like that as she got older, not necessarily primarily about clothes, but about politeness and social niceties. She'd spent her whole life being a polite southern church lady, and I think at some point she got tired of it all (maybe it's easier once most of your cohort has died). There's probably some post-menopausal aspect to it too; not seeing yourself as a sexual being in the same way as you did when you were younger, your body unavoidably changing, and a lot of women just get tired of doing a lot of personal appearance stuff that they always felt ambivalent about anyway.</p> <p>I mean, there's grooming and then there's grooming. We all probably agree that everyone should shower/bathe every few days, brush their teeth, and occasionally comb their hair. But there's plenty more that's open to interpretation or requires a higher level of maintenance for some people than others. If it's humid, my hair's going to look 'unkempt' no matter how often I brush it. And some people (myself included) have naturally bad teeth, no matter how we take care of them. Some people have naturally clearer skin than others. And let's not even get started with the quagmire of who should remove body hair from which parts of the body and why... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/why-do-so-many-people-give-up-on-personal-grooming#post-1613315 Mon, 08 Feb 2016 22:56:09 +0000 texstyle 1613315@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>rachylou - you crack me up! </p>