https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Fri, 24 Apr 2026 05:37:54 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question/page/2#post-1543738 Sat, 22 Aug 2015 17:57:22 +0000 Suz 1543738@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think you made the right decision, Anna.&nbsp;</p> <p>And I must say, I do like the idea of contributing to a specific experience (and having a choice of which one to fund) so much more than just a pot you throw (seemingly endless) money into! It's clear you already spent a bundle. And it gets to feel a bit hard sometimes when you are wishing that someday YOU could be the bride. And no wonder.&nbsp;</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question/page/2#post-1543096 Fri, 21 Aug 2015 13:58:30 +0000 elpgal 1543096@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Sounds like a good solution. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question/page/2#post-1543029 Fri, 21 Aug 2015 09:41:52 +0000 Summer 1543029@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>That's a good outcome, Anna. &nbsp;I'm sure they will appreciate the gift. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question/page/2#post-1542801 Thu, 20 Aug 2015 21:33:41 +0000 annagybe 1542801@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So their Honeyfund had separate sections were you paid for a certain experience. I'm sure the actual funds are just put together lump sum, but it allows for the feeling of contributing something.<br />I put in for a dinner and drinks, odd total of $115. But at least I got it in before they leave on their honeymoon tomorrow. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question/page/2#post-1541071 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 15:58:33 +0000 Jules 1541071@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>The stuff you paid for is pretty standard, and many attendants also contribute towards hosting showers, bachelorette parties etc. Possible travel expenses such as hotel, meals, maybe even a destination wedding. And probably don't get to choose the dress and makeup they pay for. When pooling resources with other 'maids I think the general expectation<br /> is of a somewhat bigger gift, not 5 women pitching in for one $100<br /> gift. The expenses can get quite out of hand, and yet, the expectation of a gift is generally still there. Frankly, I think you got off relatively inexpensively in terms of cash and commitment - the bride sounds pretty low key and not at all Bridezilla. <br />All that said, we had an attendant in our wedding explain that he was not giving a gift due to his expenses, and another one who never got us a promised gift (procrastination issues), and both were totally fine by me. I'd either explain it to her or as others have wisely suggested, make the contribution you can afford or buy a gift of your choosing, and be done with it. If you are not giving any gift, I would explain it to her so there's no misunderstanding, because I do believe it is expected.</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question/page/2#post-1540976 Mon, 17 Aug 2015 12:58:44 +0000 Lucy 1540976@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I agree with Ornella. The whole thing seems to have been a little rough for you - I'd give $100 to the honeymoon fund, and get the entire thing out of my mind and system! It no longer warrants any fretting or worry on your part. &nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question/page/2#post-1540757 Sun, 16 Aug 2015 23:24:08 +0000 elpgal 1540757@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I am curious to know how the honeymoon registries work Do folk list individual items like airfare, dinners out, trips etc or is it just a 'please just give us cash'. ? </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question/page/2#post-1540598 Sun, 16 Aug 2015 16:38:39 +0000 Ornella 1540598@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Something about the tone of the initial post, and those threads running up to the wedding, tells me this has been a very laboured event for you and the current dilemma is the bad icing on the cake of the stream of events. With that in mind, I'm inclined to see that you're seeking some sort of what I call "emotional compensation" and by not stretching even further you'd feel better about having some control of some things. In any case, I'd say make a contribution and get it over and done with. If you don't, it may linger in your head much longer than you want (the fact you have a dilemma in the first lace suggests that) - if you do, it's the final financial stretch and you'll know you no longer owe nothing to anyone.</p> <p>The thread is a fascinating read and brings up just how complicated weddings and etiquette is; add to that all sorts of cultural issues and I begin to wonder all sorts of things. And FWIW, I do not consider contribution to the honeymoon odd at all. I've come across them in weddings from NA and European acquaintances, and being practical I actually like that there are no grey areas but straightforwardness. If everyone is aware there will be spending on the tokens that mark the occasion, why wouldn't it be for something the couple really wants? Hence the registries. Would you raise an eyebrow if they wanted contributions for some charitable cause? The only thing I'd have an issue is the type of the honeymoon the couple wants and whether it's way above their lifestyle - in such case, expecting the guests to know they should reach deeper in the pockets is plain arrogant. But, even in such case, they should have worried before about what would happen IF they don't raise enough to cover the trip.</p> <p>Either way, I'd close this chapter in the simplest possible way (whatever you feel now will wear off in one year time, I can guarantee you that) and remember the fact you had the opportunity to dress up. I saw that selfie, you looked amazing! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question/page/2#post-1540566 Sun, 16 Aug 2015 15:02:23 +0000 Beth 1540566@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>It's been interesting reading everyone else's thoughts about this!</p> <p>Anna's post stated <b>The couple is doing a honeymoon fund in lieu of gifts.</b></p> <p>I agree that a honeymoon fund isn't all that different from a gift registry. The thing is, guests aren't obligated to buy a gift off of any registry in the first place. There's always the option of a considerate, well-thought out gift that's not on a registry. It seems that the devil is in the details...if there's a honeymoon registry option (option being the operative word), I'd think guests could decide whether to contribute or to buy a gift of their choosing.</p> <p>But if guests have been told that the fund is in lieu of gifts, that implies that the only acceptable gift is money, and that's a different kettle of fish. :)</p> <p>IMO, wedding etiquette isn't any different from etiquette for any other similar party or gift-giving event.</p> <p></p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question/page/2#post-1540401 Sun, 16 Aug 2015 04:38:26 +0000 anne 1540401@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think you do need to give a gift too, however small. Doesn't have to be to the honeymoon fund, but that'd be easiest. It is a pity they didn't pay for some of your expenses (I am trying to remember what I did - I was a bridesmaid 3 times, and I think I paid for my dresses, not not my hair). </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question/page/2#post-1540368 Sun, 16 Aug 2015 03:14:01 +0000 Echo 1540368@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I agree that in order to preserve the friendship, there is really no way out of being obligated to give a gift of some sort. </p> <p>As for the bride and groom requesting gifts to the honeymoon fund, etiquette is a tricky thing. It is acceptable to list the tangible things one wants in a registry, but not acceptable to essentially register for a vacation? In the technical sense it is never proper to ask for a gift or tell people what to give, but it is traditionally okay to do via the registry and not via other means. The new traditions and rules are still being established and ironed out, IMO, although in many areas it has been well-known that cash was ALWAYS the preferred gift. It was the preferred gift (almost) 20 years ago when I was married, and that hasn't changed. The only difference now is that people are more active about specifying it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question/page/2#post-1540236 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 20:53:53 +0000 tulle 1540236@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>It seems to me that, as someone close enough to the bride &amp; groom to be the only attendant, you are in a slightly different category from the majority of guests.&nbsp; So a more personal, even sentimental, gift would be just right, I think.&nbsp; It needn't be expensive, just affectionate. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question/page/2#post-1540216 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 19:05:06 +0000 Marlene 1540216@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>With the current trend of not wanting endless piles of household items that never get used (case in point: my wedding china set that I have used ONCE in 24 years), people are moving to the idea of experiences rather than stuff...especially if the couple has been living together and already has all the items they need. &nbsp;There is also the current trend in down-sizing and living simply and thus no need for place-settings for 12 and sterling candlestick holders. &nbsp;Many people are wanting experiences rather than stuff now. &nbsp;I LOVE contributing to a newly married couple's experience of a lovely trip with memories to last a lifetime. &nbsp;If that is what the couple wants, it is respectful to honor that request. &nbsp;In my case, I was moving internationally right after my wedding. &nbsp;I did not have the capabilities to transport any stuff. &nbsp;I had all my basic requirements in the back of my new husband's truck. &nbsp;I requested CASH so that I could set up a new household in California. &nbsp;I was specific that I would not be bringing any items with me over the border. &nbsp;About half did give cash. &nbsp;And that was greatly appreciated. &nbsp;I was able to purchase items for my new home. &nbsp;Many of these items I still have to this day. &nbsp;The other half of my guests decided that they would not honor my request and gave gifts. &nbsp;I was unable to transport them and many were not to my taste and I left them behind. &nbsp;So actually, I think it is respectful to honor the wishes of the couple. &nbsp;And on another note: &nbsp;if there is is registry...purchase from the registry since they know what items they actually need. &nbsp;Or buy a gift card from the store where they have their registry so that they can fill in the blanks after all the dust has settled. &nbsp;OK...that is enough about my opinion about wedding gifts. &nbsp;That being said, I understand that being in the wedding party is a big expense but I believe you still should be giving a gift...in this case cash, as requested.I don't think it has to be a huge amount of cash...maybe $50 with a nice presentation of the poem you read or some other personal momento that will remind them of your part in their special day. &nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question/page/2#post-1540212 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 18:55:55 +0000 Debbie 1540212@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>A gift is the right think to do in my opinion. What you give is up to you. I have received several invitations lately with request that I find borderline.<br /> For example a bridal shower one that I received said Target Gift cards only. A Birthday party that said a certain character toy. My youngest daughter has a standard gift for her friends. Two champagne flutes and a bottle of nice champagne. As she says that is what they are getting because that is what she wants to give. She usually has their names engraved on the glasses. One of her friends who never drinks got the glasses and a bottle of sparkling cider. She was thrilled.<br /> Long rant to say give what you want. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question#post-1540198 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 18:28:02 +0000 viva 1540198@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>If it were me, I would do the easiest thing, even though it is the most expensive. So I would pay into the fund, probably $75 or so. I would want to avoid worrying about it now, and also in the future when I see this bride again. To me, that would be so worth $75. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question#post-1540169 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 17:25:16 +0000 Maneera 1540169@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I kind of agree with Angie here. If you do WANT to give a gift, the cash contribution towards the honeymoon is practical; not rude. As the couple are bound to get some gifts, this strategy saves the hassle of getting a gift the couple may not use.....it's a better use of money when the couple specify what they'd best like to spend it on. </p> <p>However, I don't think you're obligated to give a gift after all your contributions. You were a big part of their special day and spent money on doing that.....that should be enough for your friend. It was enough for me and my husband when our friends came from different cities (paid for their tickets; but we paid for all accommodations for 2 days) to be a part of our special day. </p> <p>FWIW, in Indian culture, there is no gift registry. Cash gifts are the norm.....though younger people do give household items as gifts to help out the couple who are going to set up a new home. However, cash is the norm. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question#post-1540115 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 16:18:09 +0000 Louise 1540115@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I find requests for money practical not rude, as a gift giver it takes the stress out of the process. If you state no gifts some people are still going to feel obliged to give a gift and the couple then end up with stuff they neither want, need or in some cases like. When one of my friends got married they were already living together so had no need of household gifts, included with the invitations was a lovely poem I can't remember the exact words but it was along the lines of "there was nothing they needed and our sharing their special day was gift enough, however if we insisted on giving a gift they'd appreciate money towards doing their garden" it sounded better than that, I wish I could remember the wording! </p> <p>With regards to Anna's situation most guests would probably have purchased a new outfit for the event but if you spent way more than you would have done as just a guest then I would take that into account when deciding on how much to give x </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question#post-1540081 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 15:11:47 +0000 Angie 1540081@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>FWIW, I don't find the "honeymoon funding" rude. It's modern and acceptable these days - just like having a non-traditional wedding. When you give - you give with all your heart, which means that the married couple can choose how to spend the money.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question#post-1540043 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 12:21:41 +0000 Thistle 1540043@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>So, I have little experience with weddings. I went to a college across the country before Facebook, and didn't keep in touch long enough with friends to have the spate of weddings. My sister got married in a courthouse to save money, and I was never close to my much younger cousins. When I got married and no one sent gifts, I never felt obligated to do much as the precedent had been set.</p> <p>I say this so you know where I'm coming from. I would get a small gift, or contribute a small amount to the vacation fund, but I would do something. Maybe a search on Blue Nile for a gift in the $50-$100 range.</p> <p>I am not sure how so many weddings have spiraled out of control. I read what the average couple spends on a wedding and shake my head. They could use that for a down payment on a house. I get the celebration of starting a life together, but I have never understood how spending $20k for the average family is a good way to start that life . . . Yeah,mother accountant in me is showing. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question#post-1540029 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 11:34:49 +0000 retailgirl 1540029@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Cash is fine for a gift but I never give cash. I would give them something tangible. If you are close enough to be the MOH, you should be able to think of some thing, or tickets to an event, or a gift card for an amazing restaurant, or something personal. i love the wedding GIFTS I received and remember who gave them to me and I have fond memories. But the cash I received is long gone and spent! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question#post-1540026 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 11:21:08 +0000 Summer 1540026@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>The "Honeymoon Fund" seems to be a growing trend now that most couples have already set up home together. &nbsp;I'm rather uneasy about it, especially when the request comes unbidden along with the invitation, but I suppose traditions and attitudes change.</p> <p>A gift is not obligatory, but, if you wish to contribute, just give whatever you are comfortable with and can afford. &nbsp; &nbsp;</p> <p>&nbsp;&nbsp;</p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question#post-1540016 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 10:17:05 +0000 Style Fan 1540016@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Lots of advice here Anna.&nbsp; After many years of being a wedding guest, getting married twice (once with gifts and once asking for no gifts)&nbsp;, having step children getting married and being an attendant I would do what the couple wanted.&nbsp;&nbsp;I would give a cash gift.&nbsp; That is what they want.&nbsp; The amoount is up to you.</p> <p>Weddings are expensive.&nbsp; For everyone.&nbsp; The&nbsp;couple, attendants and wedding guest.&nbsp; If gifts are given I want to know the couple is going to use it.&nbsp; I actually like a registry.&nbsp; Then I know they will like what I gave them.&nbsp; I can be creative some other time.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question#post-1539981 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 06:32:21 +0000 Eliza 1539981@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Anna-so many things can come up around weddings! What are you comfortable doing? Do you dislike honeymoon registries? Feel that the way the participation in the wedding unfolded was not what you were expecting? I may be out in left field here, but I'm thinking that if you have what may be tweaking you sorted out, as well as what the relationship with the bride means to you, you'll land at a place that will make sense with the gift. This seemed to be a complicated wedding to be solo as the bridal attendant, IIRC. In any situation, I think that the gift has to work for the person offering it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question#post-1539973 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 05:28:18 +0000 Laura (rhubarbgirl) 1539973@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't see the real difference between a honeymoon fund and a registry. Either way you can choose how much you want to spend and you can get a different gift that's not on the list if you want to.</p> <p>What I really wish is that you could say "please no gifts, your presence is our gift" and have people take you seriously. We had our wedding here on the west coast and then a reception at my parents' in the Midwest and for either there were people who made the effort to be there, and it was a real sacrifice for them as far as time and money went. I really wish they hadn't felt obligated to also get us a gift. It seems like that gets better as far as birthdays for adults (if you're talking about friends) but gifts are still obligatory for kids birthdays, even if you're not that close, and Christmas, ditto. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question#post-1539972 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 05:05:53 +0000 Robin 1539972@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I don't have any advice, but this discussion makes me think of the one time it really did feel lovely to contribute to what was essentially a honeymoon fund.</p> <p>The lovely couple in question set their trip up on a site (don't remember which one) that allowed them to enter the costs of different activities they wanted to do or needed support with.</p> <p>So, you could contribute to a night of pet care while they were away, or help them go see a museum they really wanted to go to, or make sure they didn't have to worry about paying for breakfasts on their trip, or pay for their whole plane ticket - whatever tickled your fancy and fit your pocketbook.</p> <p>I thought it was a fun way of including their friends and family in their trip-planning and allowing people to make a gift of things they really wanted, which were, in this case, experiences rather than things. Basically, a registry of experiences.</p> <p>Your reply </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question#post-1539962 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 04:20:58 +0000 elpgal 1539962@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I recently went to a kiddie party where the invitation indicated a preference for gift cards. I fretted and fumed and didn't want to go. I finally used the same rationale Isabel and MaryK are advocating, ponied up cash for a gift certificate (more than an actual gift would have cost me because gift cards from this store are available only in set denominations) went, had fun, ate my cake and came home. Not happy about it but it is the cost I have to pay to foster friendships for my kid. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question#post-1539934 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 03:18:46 +0000 Peri 1539934@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm with Gaylene...I can't get behind the rudeness of "fund our expensive vacation please. We deserve to go and you all should help pay for it". I don't care if it is old fashioned...I think many wedding traditions have become twisted in modern times. Things that made sense once upon a time don't necessarily make sense now, but the "updates" seem just plain greedy in many cases. Take the bridal shower tradition. Once a really nice way to help a young couple set up house from scratch, now it is quite often a way to help a mid-20s or older couple who have been living together and working for several years just get a nice kitchen upgrade and better stuff. All of a sudden all their house ware they've been using isn't good enough because now they are married? I think I should hold a "I've been married for 32 years and most of my dishes are chipped and I want new ones" shower. It means about the same thing. This is my rant...these events are on my mind.</p> <p>That said, how would your friend react if you didn't give a gift? I don't think you should have to <u>at all</u>, but it might not be worth rocking the boat over, if you think the boat is rockable.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question#post-1539928 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 03:06:47 +0000 Beth 1539928@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm with Angie and Gaylene. A gift if you attended the wedding (which you obviously did) is in order, but contributing to the fund is not necessary if you don't wish. Choose a nice remembrance and a card, and you're good.</p> <p>As an etiquette traditionalist, I feel that giving cash is fine, but it's never OK for a couple to specify what kind of gifts they receive.&nbsp; </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question#post-1539901 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 02:10:50 +0000 Anonymous 1539901@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Have them over for a drinks party or a nice dinner after they get back from their honeymoon.&nbsp; If they're good friends, I don't think they'd want you to feel obligated or stressed out over giving them a gift. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/wedding-etiquette-question#post-1539886 Sat, 15 Aug 2015 01:49:50 +0000 Diana 1539886@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think you kind of are obligated to give a gift, whether it be cash or something else, but the amount should be up to you. </p> <p>To those who might think it's tacky or strange to ask for money, Chinese people traditionally give red envelopes of cash as a wedding gift, so it seems normal from my cultural perspective. (I actually feel like the honeyfund thing is a (perhaps misguided) roundabout way to say, "we just want cash" to people who are twitchy about such things.) </p>