https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Wed, 29 Apr 2026 16:06:32 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-328137 Fri, 08 Apr 2011 02:46:12 +0000 Sveta 328137@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Andrea, I am so sorry you had that unpleasant encounter.<br /> In my experience if you feel you were not completely right and offended someone an apology is more important for you than for another party. By apologizing and admitting that you were not completely right you will take the burden out of your soul and make your life easier. Negative thoughts are so destructive that you should not keep them inside you. I would suggest to give it a couple of days and if you still feel some guilt make peace with X: you owe it to yourself, not to her. I am not a religious person at all but this is one of the principles of Christianity I find very wise and useful.<br /> Just get it out of your system if it bothers you, forget about it and move on! Everybody makes mistakes and what matters is how you handle your mistakes and how you learn from them. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-328120 Fri, 08 Apr 2011 02:23:11 +0000 Heather 328120@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Poor Andrea. I really hate this situation for you. You have received some really great advice from the wonderful forum. </p> <p>We are all human; and all make mistakes and take missteps--you are NOT awful. I wish I could banish that painful feeling of guilt from you, dear Andrea.</p> <p>I wish you courage, strength and wisdom as you plan you next move in this situation. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-328083 Fri, 08 Apr 2011 01:37:35 +0000 Angie 328083@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I'm sorry that this has become so complicated, Andrea. :(</p> <p>FWIW (high five Marley), I don't think that email is the right mode of communication at all. For these types of correspondences its *the worst*. You absolutely have to pick up the phone, or speak to X in person. Apologize and come clean. Taking the high road is always best in the end. </p> <p>Good for you for thinking about this. Good luck! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-328029 Fri, 08 Apr 2011 00:09:31 +0000 Marley 328029@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Andrea - I'm so sorry that you went through all of that, but as you probably know, its more common than not in most small professional circles! If you do decide that you want to apologize for your part in the mess, my advice is to do it over the phone or in person. I wouldn't communicate with her via e-mail anymore - e-mail is just another version of passing notes back in forth (like 7th graders!) and IMO not a good way to resolve conflict! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-328017 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 23:39:40 +0000 RandomThoughts (Andrea) 328017@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thank you again! You have all been so kind and thoughtful. You gals really are fab!</p> <p>Kari, I have Basenjis. I am definitely not "someone" in dogs. I have them as companions first, and competition partners (conformation, field events and my new babe will be in obd/agility, etc) second. As I'm fond of saying they're only show dogs on the weekends, and only for a few years at that. In my 18 or so years of involvement, I have only produced 2 litters making a grand total of 5 puppies. I am proud of the success we've had (limited though it is) with such a small group of dogs. They are the best! </p> <p>I do some volunteer work for rescue also, though I am not able to foster dogs. Mostly I offer advice and have done home checks and such. We've also offered to hold free husbandry classes for foster families and are waiting to see if that takes off. (I'm a trainer by profession.)</p> <p>MaryK you made me laugh - I have said that about X many times before! Maybe it's time take a deep breath, say it again and just let it go. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-327988 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 22:58:27 +0000 MsMary 327988@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Oh, my. I'm so sorry you are having these troubles. Why is it that it's the kind and responsible people in the world who end up feeling awful in these situations, and the rude and nasty people seem to walk away unscathed?</p> <p>I think elpgal has a great point. Once X had planted these ideas about the third party in your head, it was prudent of you to check them out and since you never promised to honor X's unsolicited request for confidentiality, I don't think you have done anything wrong on that score. </p> <p>As for your intemperate response to X, these things happen and you were provoked. And it sounds as though you have already apologized for that.</p> <p>If it were me, I would feel similarly awful and I would be desperate to make it all better. But if it were me and I had my wits about me, I'd say "Wow, X is a piece of work," and I'd get on with my life.</p> <p>So I'd advise doing that! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-327969 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 22:32:40 +0000 Kari 327969@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I agree that sitting on the matter for a few days and not responding right away is a good approach - especially when the situation came about through email. (In general, a lot of times people tend to write things in a tone that they don't intend or mis-read each other's words through email, and we also tend to be quicker to react and respond through email than we would through written mail.)<br /> Because I process my thoughts more easily when I write them out, it helps me to draft a letter of what I would say to that person if I had the opportunity. Usually the first draft is pretty emotional as I'm working through my reactions, but after a revised draft or two, I finally hit on what I actually need to say (whether that is "I'm sorry that I did X and hurt your feelings", or "I was very hurt when X happened.") I don't always actually send those letters - sometimes they become the basis for a conversation or an email, or sometimes (for example, in a few cases where the friendship was basically dead in the water and I did not ever want to speak to that person again), I just used the letter as a way for me to get some closure even though I wasn't going to send it.<br /> I'm very sorry that you ended up in such an explosive, dramatic situation. I think we've all said or done things that we regretted at some point, and I hope you're able to figure out what you need to do to put it behind you.</p> <p>On another topic - somehow I missed or forgot that you show dogs. What breed do you specialize in?<br /> I have never shown dogs myself, but I did obedience training &amp; fitting &amp; showing competitions through 4-H when I was a kid with my sweet Sheltie, and I am very much a dog person! </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-327874 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 20:32:08 +0000 RandomThoughts (Andrea) 327874@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Thank you ladies, for indulging me and taking the time to read this.</p> <p>I think I will sit on things for another couple of days and reevaluate. If at that time I still feel I need to acknowledge my part in what happened (I did initially apologize for hurting X's feelings, and in m 2nd email agree to my actions being wrong albeit snarkily) I will drop her a note.</p> <p>Steph, Elpgal, Girl X, your advice particularly helped me so an extra thanks there. And for the affirmations.</p> <p>@Afterism/Heleen - I would be willing to put money down in Vegas there is no explanation or apology in my Deleted Items box. Trust me on this. As for calling her, not going to happen. Last time we had a falling out (the co-ownership issue) it was not nearly so caustic and she refused to take my calls for a week. And we'd been friends then.</p> <p>Again, thank each and every one of you for taking the time to respond. I deeply appreciate it. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-327574 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 06:55:57 +0000 HeleenH 327574@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>afterism is right, you might just have junkmailed her apologies... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-327572 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 06:38:45 +0000 afterism 327572@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think you really do need to know what her email said. Perhaps he has offered a full explanation of her comments re: Breeder.</p> <p>Unlikely I know but I feel like you would be shooting blind without knowing all the data before you begin your apology. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-327571 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 06:36:00 +0000 HeleenH 327571@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>I think if you want to communicate with X about this issue you should grab the phone or send a postcard or letter by snailmail. e-mail is not a very safe way to resolve disputes. It gets out of hand so easily. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-327569 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 06:28:55 +0000 Girl X 327569@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Apologising sucks, especially when the other person has also behaved badly - and is unlikely to own up to their wrongdoing. Your gut tells you what the right thing to do is, but the idea that this woman might feel vindicated is such a tug at the ego. This woman's opinion of you is unlikely to change with or without an apology, neither will whatever she says or doesn't say about you to others. You're not trying to fix your relationship with her, you're trying to feel better with your own actions. If apologising is what you feel you need to do, then do it, and if she can't just accept it, well that's her - er - is this site curse friendly? Well, you get the idea.</p> <p>You are not an awful person - but sleeping dogs eventually wake, so you probably do need to take care of this. At the very least, if someone else ever hears about what happened and mentions it to you, you'll be able to say that you apologised. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-327562 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 06:11:29 +0000 elpgal 327562@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Andrea, Be kind to yourself. I think you did the right thing by talking to Breeder about it. X tried to stir up some trouble and share some unsubstantiated info about Breeder. You asked her for an explanation which she failed to provide. Now, since you are likely to deal with Breeder again in a professional capacity, it is prudent on your part to share this info with Breeder and ask for an explanation. Even if X had explained her accusations, you would have liked to cross-check with Breeder and let Breeder provide their side of the story.</p> <p>Were I you, I'd be inclined to ignore it for a few days and let my emotions settle. Re-evaluate and if you still feel remorseful about it, send a short apology without explaining yourself too much. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-327555 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 05:44:37 +0000 Steph 327555@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>My advice would be the same regardless of whether this were dog breeding, animal rescue (my world--kind of the opposite of breeding, in some ways), or tiddlywinks. If you feel that you were wrong to speak about what X said, and it is obviously bothering you, I think that the right thing to do is own up to it. I would basically do what Una suggested: send her an e-mail saying that you want to apologize for speaking with the breeder about the e-mail X sent to you, that you know that it was a mistake on your part to do so, and you regret it. Then leave it at that. If she is rude or confrontational in a reply e-mail, just ignore it. But since you feel you were wrong, you should say something. </p> <p>You might also want to consider whether you need to take a day or two to get past what happened before sending the apology. It sounds like you are really upset about the entire situation, as evidenced by the fact that you just deleted her most recent e-mail without even reading it. So if you need to take a few days for yourself, in order to get in the right frame of mind, do that. But do (eventually) send the apology. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-327554 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 05:43:52 +0000 RandomThoughts (Andrea) 327554@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>You can call me Andrea. I'm sure the email is in there. I can't read it. I am certain it will not be pleasant. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-327553 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 05:40:24 +0000 afterism 327553@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Random Thought - The email she sent you may still be in your deleted items/trash folder. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-327550 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 05:29:55 +0000 RandomThoughts (Andrea) 327550@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>It was yesterday. :-/ I am not sure what the right thing to do is. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-327547 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 05:21:42 +0000 catgirl 327547@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>How much time has passed since the last exchange? If it is still fairly recent, I would send a short e-mail to the effect of "I am truly sorry about how things went down regarding Breeder. I don't think we need to get into any in-depth discussion; I just wanted to let you know I realize I acted poorly" (or whatever it is you want to say). And then do not engage further. She may respond, she may delete it without reading - who knows? You will be able to clear your conscience if you feel you did do something wrong (not saying you did).</p> <p>Although I'm not in the world of dog breeding, I think similar difficulties crop up in any small professional circles and misunderstandings can come back to bite you (so to speak)... </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-327543 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 05:14:47 +0000 RandomThoughts (Andrea) 327543@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Lyn, yes co-ownerships are tricky. They either work out great or terribly with little in between. </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-327542 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 05:06:24 +0000 lyn* 327542@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Yikes! That sounds like a messy situation! I'm sorry, I do not have a lot of experience with showing dogs (the closest I know about show dogs is that my ex is a vet and he used to have a dog that he wasn't allowed to show because it wasn't to standard or something, and he was mad at his dog); but is it common practice to share an animal? It seems like something that doesn't really work to share (like pants - lol). </p> <p>From what I know about dog breeding though, it's a community that relies pretty heavily on reputation. My dad was rejected by a few dog breeders for puppies because he did not plan to show them; but I guess it also makes sense - their puppies are their kids and they want the best for them.</p> <p>I don't think you have to admit that you are wrong; I think just leaving it for now is good. If X brings it up, then discuss it, but I think you are both are okay for now. Keep it professional for any future conversations and hopefully you can put it behind you one day </p> https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/very-ot-long-hennish-story-within#post-327539 Thu, 07 Apr 2011 05:00:56 +0000 RandomThoughts (Andrea) 327539@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ <p>Angie/Greg - if this post is completely inappropriate please delete it.</p> <p>Let me first apologize at how ridiculous this post may seem to most of you. Not being "dog people" you might not really get it, or might think, "Oh, those dog show people are all weird" or whatever. You wouldn't be wrong! If you do read on I thank you, as the dog part of it really only serves as a backdrop of the relationships of the humans involved.</p> <p>I'm thinking the best thing I can do is just to forget it and move on with my life but I feel badly about something I did. Here's the background:</p> <p>There is a woman whom I do not like very much. Let's call her X. In roughly 2001, we co-owned a dog for roughly 8mo. I had planned to import this dog from Australia to the US knowing that I did not want another dog of my own - I already had 5. But she was lovely and I was looking for another dog to show. I also felt she would be a great asset to any breeding I might do. So I asked X, whom I'd known causally and felt I had a good relationship with, if she would like to co-own the dog and have it as her pet and let me show her. We did. Blah blah blah, the relationship ended badly - different ideas of how things should be handled, money, etc. I had spent a lot of money and just gave her my "half" of the dog. I was very sad to let go but it was the right thing to do.</p> <p>I tried to be as gracious as possible. I did my best to be the bigger person and let it go and just end things as amicably as possible. I was able to do so on the surface but deep down, even after 10 years, I still hold some bad feelings about the whole mess. It's pretty much been a non-issue because we have minimal contact, mostly only via email lists and such. As long as she left me alone, we were fine. I had no trouble being nice to her provided things stayed superficial.</p> <p>I recently got an email marked "Private for your eyes only" from X. It it she said some unkind things about the woman from whom I just bought a puppy (which tends to be a somewhat unique relationship "in dogs") which she refused to substantiate. I thanked her for looking out for me but told her that her email was sort of useless if she wouldn't explain. I tried to be firm - let her know that she wasn't accomplishing anything constructive - but kind. I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, but again deep down I felt like she was stirring up trouble. It wouldn't be the first time she'd done it, though never involving me before.</p> <p>I did something bad. </p> <p>The next time I saw my breeder we went to lunch and chatted. During the course of the conversation I told her about this email. It had bothered me a lot and I was wondering what was going on. I wanted an explanation and X hadn't given me one. It hadn't been my intention to speak of it, it just came out. Oops.</p> <p>Of course there was no explanation. What I effectively did was perpetuate gossip and rumor mongering. X found out and sent me a nasty email about what a terrible person I am, and that I am a betrayer of confidences and friends. It was very condescending. I got angry and pretty much told her exactly what I thought: that she was being purposefully hurtful and just trying to draw me into her drama because that is the sort of person she is.</p> <p>I feel awful about it. Not because I think I'm wrong about X, but because I -was- wrong to open my mouth. X and I have not been, and will never be friends again. I might see her at dog shows sometime this summer and am not looking forward to the tension. My problem is I feel a karmic duty to admit I was wrong. However emailing X seems like asking for more trouble, especially after my last email to her that was pretty rough. She responded but I deleted it without reading. I really just don't want to deal with her and wish the whole thing never happened. </p> <p>Bleh. Not sure what I'm looking for here. Validation that I'm not awful? I should let sleeping dogs lie, not to make a pun, right? </p>