YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend

YouLookFab Forum » Topic: Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend Style Advice for Fashion Lovers en-US Tue, 28 Apr 2026 21:17:00 +0000 http://bbpress.org/?v=1.0.2 <![CDATA[Search]]> q https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/search.php elpgal on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1018939 Sun, 01 Sep 2013 05:11:42 +0000 elpgal 1018939@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Mochi, Sorry you are feeling poorly about all of this. I was going to say exactly what IK has said. The unfortunate side effect is that because I have to censor myself so much, I cannot engage with the medium. I use it mostly as an address book at this point. ironkurtin on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1018815 Sun, 01 Sep 2013 00:23:14 +0000 ironkurtin 1018815@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Mochi, you can delete that post even now. THat may help you feel better. Mochi on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1018455 Sat, 31 Aug 2013 13:23:53 +0000 Mochi 1018455@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Well, I have written her the apology, no response but not unfriended officially. However, I'm sure the friendship is damaged, maybe permanently, and even if it's really an online friendship at this point I feel bad mostly that I could have handled it in an entirely different way. I should have been much more diligent in figuring out the (ultimately not that complicated) tech issues that had prevented me from just filtering out most of the messages. I am more aghast that I was complaining at her in an inappropriate context. I am pretty careful in general so I am wondering what struck me at that moment to be openly critical. I wonder if I am going crazy or something.  Well, I can try to rationalize that this must have happened for a reason. (I did want to get through to her about the impact of these messages. But why is this my problem to try and educate and "reform" people? Sigh.) Anyway, the takeaway message for me is one I've known for a long time: this noise is really garbage to me, just like junk food. I need to be more careful to keep it out.  On the other hand, it's like Iron Kurtin was saying: am I just becoming less tolerant to differing viewpoints? I don't want to end up with 2.3 friends by the time I'm sixty.  Anyway, I'm accepting it for the most part. Admittedly I like not having to log on in the morning and slog through ten or more fitness memes (because I've filtered them out).  Elly on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1018034 Fri, 30 Aug 2013 20:02:27 +0000 Elly 1018034@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I think part of the issue with Facebook is that there are so many different ways to use it. Some people use it for marketing or to promote themselves or a product or project. Other people are using it to share pictures or bits of their life or things about their children with far flung friends and family. I use it as an address book/to keep up in general with where friends and family are and all the big life events! I mostly use it just as a way to contact people in the era of constantly changing cell phone numbers and email addresses. Even that can be fraught with problems, as people with different expectations often cull their friend list to just the people who they want to see wall post's from instead of just changing settings. I try to avoid reading anything that wasn't written directly by people I'm "Friends" with. I don't need to see any of the "forward" type junk or what their other friends are saying about it. Anonymous on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017939 Fri, 30 Aug 2013 17:56:13 +0000 Anonymous 1017939@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You poor thing! That's why I don't do Facebook. ironkurtin on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017859 Fri, 30 Aug 2013 15:50:41 +0000 ironkurtin 1017859@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ If I unfriended every single person who posted something offensive on my feed I would have few friends left in Texas.  I have seen scary rants (all of them counter to my own beliefs) about Republicans, guns, abortion, prayer, women's right to equal pay, government mind control, Obama, and Fox news conspiracy stories.  To name just a few.  I ignore them, but I also feel that a debate on FB goes with the territory, and I've seen a few flame wars for sure.  People who take this seriously need to not be on FB. If I were you, I would tell your friend that she is lovely and looks great but some of her friends leave you cold because you want to support her.  And leave it at that. Mochi on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017692 Fri, 30 Aug 2013 13:10:02 +0000 Mochi 1017692@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thanks, Suz. She has not unfriended me. I just PM-ed her. I finally managed to figure out how to limit the types of posts you receive from someone. (If anyone wants me to explain or forward a link, I will.) I let her know this and apologized for the remarks I made out of context, at an inappropriate time, but explained to her that it's healthier for me to just limit exposure to certain of her Life Event posts.  She is a really nice person, and has given me some good advice, fitness-wise (she was the one who introduced me to kettlebells, which is huge). But to be honest, she's in Japan anyway for at least another decade or so, and the friendship is limited because of this.  I thought of trying to explain on a deeper level what is troubling (AND triggering) me with all her posts, but as Suz said, this is a very peculiar culture and I'm not sure she would get it. It's too bad. I think I'm also mourning her as the person I used to know. The fitness/bodyfat obsession didn't come along till the last few years.  Thanks for all your excellent advice.  Suz on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017648 Fri, 30 Aug 2013 11:29:32 +0000 Suz 1017648@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ So sorry this has happened, Nancy. It's a tricky situation, for sure.  FB always makes me feel unhappy, so I avoid it as much as possible. I have an account because I was strongly encouraged to, for my work, but I go there only about once a week at most. And I definitely block feeds from people whose posts make me the most unhappy or bored. I've had the same problem as you though -- try to block some people but their posts still show up. I'm not sure what that is about.  The fitspo people are a species unto themselves. It's not really about the fitness or about health. It's about them. There are folks like that in every subculture, I suspect. But fitness in particular attracts obsessive types.  My solution (besides trying to write some stuff to challenge it) is simply to be who I am. Do my thing. Not hang out with those people. Of course I understand you value an old connection -- that is important. But if it is not a close friendship any more, maybe you don't need to read her FB posts at all. Just do what Sylvie suggests and every now and again visit her page to stay in touch?  Mochi on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017416 Fri, 30 Aug 2013 01:23:20 +0000 Mochi 1017416@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Thanks all and Marley, YES. I feel like I'm betraying myself if I don't speak out on something that offends me, especially if it's one too many times. I tried in the past to reduce what comes from her on my feed. Not sure why it didn't work. I'll try again. I really want to stay in touch with her, just not get buried under bodybuilding propaganda. Marley on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017339 Fri, 30 Aug 2013 00:02:42 +0000 Marley 1017339@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Mochi - I have an old friend that does this with politics and political related issues.  Even though she is a very kind and compassionate person, some of the things that she passes on or "likes" on Facebook go against the very core of my being, and I  cannot and will not keep my mouth shut.  There have been a few times that I have worried that perhaps I've pushed it too far and am going to lose the friendship (which I truly do cherish) - but so far, our friendship has held strong.  I really don't know what to tell you to do - but just wanted you to know that I'm pretty sure that I know what you're going through! Laurinda on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017221 Thu, 29 Aug 2013 20:36:28 +0000 Laurinda 1017221@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Best wishes sorting this out. For future ref, you can unclick "show in news feed" for people that are especially chatty. I do this with my dear relations who have political views 180 degrees from mine -- I still love hearing about their kids! Sylvie on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017212 Thu, 29 Aug 2013 20:26:29 +0000 Sylvie 1017212@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ My solution for handling old friends on fb who post things that really bother me is to hide their posts.  If I want to, I can go to their page, scan for the relevant and interesting material and ignore the rest of the crap.  It is annoying to have your friend feed flooded by "insert cause here that you strongly disagree with" I prefer to discuss my disagreements with people in person.  It's just too hard to communicate sensitively online unless both people are really really already on the same wavelength. Dawn on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017211 Thu, 29 Aug 2013 20:25:30 +0000 Dawn 1017211@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I agree with rachylou. I would leave it for now unless she either leaves another comment or unfriends you. You have told her your issues with what she is posting, and I think repeating it will put her on the defensive. I think even PM-ing her originally would have made it more of an issue. Put on her wall, it does seem more like a general criticism of the fitness world than a criticism of her. On a final note, you can filter what your friend posts. You can either hide her from your newsfeed or when she posts a link from a Facebook page, you can click 'hide this from my newsfeed' and then click to block that particular page from your newsfeed. The second option will be much slower to take effect but you still will get your friend's general updates. Mochi on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017181 Thu, 29 Aug 2013 19:58:51 +0000 Mochi 1017181@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Interesting thoughts, rachylou.  What I realize (well, have for a while now) is that the line isn't always clear, but I am willing to lose the friendship if I feel strongly enough. Or at least place it at risk. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.  rachylou on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017103 Thu, 29 Aug 2013 18:24:26 +0000 rachylou 1017103@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ You'll know when you've been "unfriended." I think the important thing is to not be defensive, if she does get mad or unfriends you. Don't try to justify your actions. I think if you can get through that feeling and let it pass, you will have a clearer head about what to do. Maybe the friendship is not as important as your moral objections. Maybe friendship should have come first at that moment. Mochi on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017077 Thu, 29 Aug 2013 17:53:01 +0000 Mochi 1017077@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Oh, but that's what I do, Kim! Overthink everything and often bring it here to ponder over publicly You're right, of course. Later today I will go onto FB and see if she said anything else and take it from there. I am getting ready to do a bunch of things and also don't feel like dealing with it.  You might be surprised from all this to know that the great majority of friend losses I've had have been of the drift-away variety, and only one in recent memory with whom I had an actual falling out. I'm not even sure why I am second-guessing this, since I do indeed think hard about things I say in writing.  Kim on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017072 Thu, 29 Aug 2013 17:46:36 +0000 Kim 1017072@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Mochi, why don't you send her a message and tell her just what you told us?  (You could even just copy and paste it.)  She's your friend, but we all know how easy it is to read into the electronic media post.  You have a right to what you think and so does she.  She KNOWS about your penchant for honesty, it won't surprise her! LOL  But let her know you think you may have made a mistake and should have just gone to her.  I think that might do a lot to mend the fences. If she's hurt it will give her a bit of balm and perhaps you guys will work it out.  If she's not bothered by it she'll let you know that too I'll bet. Quit guessing and make the first move. xox Mochi on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017058 Thu, 29 Aug 2013 17:09:18 +0000 Mochi 1017058@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ whoops double post Mochi on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017056 Thu, 29 Aug 2013 17:06:57 +0000 Mochi 1017056@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Message just flashed across my iPHone: "Thanks for your input Nancy B**." She is probably hurt but as I expected, at least not dropping me (for now, anyway). Kind of a meaningless response, though. I wonder if anything I said resonated with her.  I believe I'm a textbook INFP here.  MsMary on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017041 Thu, 29 Aug 2013 16:40:24 +0000 MsMary 1017041@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Oh, my. Hugs, Mochi. I have no tolerance for that sort of thing, but because my job is fairly high-profile in the community I don't feel like I can ever post anything the remotest bit controversial or confrontational on Facebook, which I think is a blessing because I'd be mightily tempted to do what you did. Just keep breathing and try not to burn your bridges ahead of you (by which I mean wait and see what happens -- it may not be as bad as you expect!). milehighstyle (Linda) on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1017000 Thu, 29 Aug 2013 16:01:50 +0000 milehighstyle (Linda) 1017000@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I feel your pain, M. I need an extremely thick skin to even go on Facebook. Half the time I just feel like responding very snarkily to what people are posting. Not everyone shares the same passions, beliefs, whatever and I just think that when posting for a large audience, some descretion is needed. Making fun of people who are not keeping up with someone else's standards is just unacceptable. I don't blame you for wanting to speak out about it. Liz A. on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1016983 Thu, 29 Aug 2013 15:51:47 +0000 Liz A. 1016983@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ Mochi, I am also a highly sensitive person, such as yourself.  And I also immediately jump to the worst case scenario conclusion, so I feel your pain.  But recently I have noticed that sometimes other people may just need time to simmer down.  Even if she did take offense to your comment, which we don't know for sure, she will also be weighing your history of friendship before completely cutting you off, not just this one instance.  I think things will turn out just fine.  Fingers crossed. Mochi on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1016980 Thu, 29 Aug 2013 15:45:50 +0000 Mochi 1016980@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I forgot to mention another reason why I feel my judgment was so out of whack. She was posting a pic of herself in a bikini right after a bodybuilding contest. She had placed third and was holding a statuette. Her comment with the pic mentioned haters and all the negative comments they were making, which is what got me started (she posted the same pic of her to a bodybuilding site on FB). So it was probably inappropriate for me to add on my rant about the bodybuilding community when I should have simply stopped at congratulating her, which I did upfront, of course.  Mochi on "Ugh, poor judgment may have lost me an old friend" https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/topic/ugh-poor-judgment-may-have-lost-me-an-old-friend#post-1016970 Thu, 29 Aug 2013 15:37:32 +0000 Mochi 1016970@https://youlookfab.com/welookfab/ I don't know, I may be jumping the gun, but I'm already suspecting.  She is a good friend from college days and I don't have many who go that far back. In the past few years she has gotten really over-the-top into fitness. Anyway she's overseas and I really do like her and so I keep up the Facebook relationship despite her littering my newsfeed with easily twenty posts a day, most of which are links to fitness sites, pics of extremely muscle-y women, inspiration quotes, recipes, etc etc. Her take (because other acquaintances have responded negatively) is that you don't have to look if you don't want to. But it's in my face--I'm not even clicking on these links most of the time.  She is a nice person and very non-judgmental, but what I complained about to her was the sort of thing she passes along. In the fitness community, based on what she's posted, I see a huge amount of arrogance and superiority. One pic was of a guy working out in the gym (he clearly had no idea the pic was being taken of him). The caption for the post was mocking him for working on his upper body but neglecting his "chicken legs." There were tons of FB comments substantiating this. I protested it and got a response from one guy: "Too bad. NO MERCY." Ugh. One other thing my friend posted was a pic of a pretty young woman and the critique of her was that she shouldn't be holding those shopping bags, instead of shopping she should be working out to fix her non-existent butt. (Yeah, YLF-ers would be down with this So yes, incredible arrogance, no? So friend has drunk the fitness kool-aid and is often posting pics of women bodybuilders. Anyone who makes any sort of comment (such as "I liked how she looked before better") is deemed a "hater." I said that the term "hater" was being used indiscriminately and in an over-the-top way. Not to mention it demonstrating a victim-y attitude considering the examples of snarkiness I had seen from that community.  What I regret and worry about is not the criticisms I broached to my friend, but the fact that I didn't PM her on Facebook, and said these things openly on her page. I also made sure to state that L. herself does not engage in these attitudes, but that by passing them along she is at least showing that she is unaware of aspects that are offensive to me and many others. I suppose I wanted people to know how I felt, and because I was (maybe not clearly enough) disassociating her good qualities from the arrogance of these other people, I thought I was aiming my complaints at them and not at her, but rather pointing out to her what she is surrounding herself with. But she is likely to take it personally. I fear.  Friendships, however strong, are so easily broken up these days, especially when the connection is electronic. I know L. is a good-hearted and generous person but I fear I should have been like everyone else and "just not say anything if you have nothing nice to say."  So I will be avoiding Facebook for a bunch of hours today, which is just as well. But man, my penchant for honesty sometimes....It is past the point where I could delete the post and resend it to her as a message in hopes that she didn't see it on her wall, because she is on FB all the time.